Butterbeer
By Lauren G.

Author's Note: If any of you avid fan fic readers have read my Pokemon story, 'Ah! My Lumbago!' and its sequel, you will know that strange story ideas can come to you, or me, at the strangest times. 'Butterbeer' for example, is a perfect example of driving home way too much on the weekends. Enjoy this savvy one shot!

Chapter 1

It was Halloween at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Harry Potter, oh yes, wonderful, heroic Harry Potter, was enjoying the festivities in the Gryffindor common room with his good friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

"Mmmm! Mmmmrfffh mmmrfff mrf?" Ron said, his mouth stuffed with crisps.

"Geez Ron. You sound like a Mummy with tonsillitis." Hermione said, sipping a cup of apple cider. Ron swallowed some of the massive amount of food in his mouth.

"I said, fun party, huh?" Ron said, spraying Hermione with bits of food. Hermione gave him a disgusted look and brushed at her hair.

"'Oy! The party just got betta'!" Called Seamus Finnegan as he and Dean Thomas tromped into the common room, their arms packed with several boxes of Butterbeer.

"We've got plenty, already." Harry said, pointing to a case lying under the snack table.

"Not this kind Potter!" Dean said with a grin. With a closer look at the cases, he could see it said: 'Hard Butterbeer'. Hermione immediately tutted.

"Bringing alcoholic drinks into a common room full of mostly minors!" she scoffed.

"Aw come on, you can hardly taste a difference!" Seamus said, cracking open the top of one of the hard Butterbeer bottles. He began to glug it down. Dean did the same. Dean belched and Seamus wiped a dripping mouth with the sleeve of his robe.

"Disgusting." Hermione said. She turned around and started to converse with Lavender and Pavarti. Meanwhile, behind her back, Dean and Seamus grabbed 2 of the bottles of the Butterbeer and poured them into the cup Hermione had set on the snack table. They snickered and grabbed more bottles for themselves and ran off. Hermione turned back to the snack table and grabbed her cup. She took a gulp and her face twisted in a grimace. She looked in her cup. And took another drink... And another... And another... AND another. Hermione began to feel funny. She absentmindedly grabbed 2 of the hard Butterbeer bottles and staggered out of the common room.

"Hey..." Harry said. "Where'd Hermione go?" Harry said, crushing his cider cup and tossing it aside. Shame on you Harry, littering!

"I dunno. Hey, have you seen Hermione?" Ron asked Pavarti as she and Lavender walked past.

"I saw her last at the snack table." Lavender said. Harry and Ron looked towards the snack table. No Hermione. The only people at the snack table were Neville, Dean, and Seamus. Harry tapped Neville on the shoulder.

"Neville, have you seen Hermione?" he asked. Neville shook his head.

"No. Have you seen Trevor?" He asked in return. There was a scream.

"EW! THERE'S A TOAD IN MY DRINK!" yelled a girl. Neville ran off. Dean and Seamus were cracking jokes by the cups.

"Hey, have you guys seen Hermione?" Ron asked. Seamus hiccupped.

"Who?" He asked.

"They're drunk." Ron whispered to Harry. Harry nodded.

"Hermione?" Dean said, his voice beginning to slur. "She left."

"Left?" Harry and Ron said together.

"Must have given her too much to drink." Seamus said, and hiccupped again.

"You gave Hermione HARD BUTTERBEER?" Harry said. The drunk boys chuckled. Harry grabbed Ron and dragged him out of the common room.

"We've got to find Hermione! We can't let her wander around Hogwarts drunk! What if a teacher finds her?"

"Who knows what Hermione could do. For all we know, she could be doing a pole dance in the Slytherin common room, or giving Professor Snape a lap dance, or-"

"RON!" Harry yelled. "Does everything that comes out your mouth have to be sexual?" Ron held a hand up to his chin and paused to ponder.

"When it involves drunk women, yes." He replied. Harry rolled his eyes.

"You take the lower floors. I'll check up. We'll meet by the Great Hall in 20 if we can't find her." Harry said. He ran to the nearest stairwell. Ron sighed and headed off.

"Hermione!" Ron called. "Hermione!" He peered into the nearest girls bathroom. "Hermione?" He wandered in slightly. A girl screamed and a shoe was soon flying at his head. He ran out, dodging the shoe, and headed off down another hallway.

"Hermione?" Harry called. "HERMIONE!" He stopped and squinted. There was puddle in the hallway. He went over to it and sniffed it. Butterbeer with a hint of alcohol.

"Bingo." Harry said, and ran off.

Hermione, meanwhile, was wandering drunkenly through the halls singing:

"My Butterbeer brings all the boys to the yard,

and they're like, its better than yours,

damn right-its better than yours,

i can teach you, but i have to charge..."

Hermione stumbled towards the stairs leading to the grounds doors. She clumsily grasped the handrail with one hand, her Butterbeer in the other.

"I know you want it, the thing that makes me, what the guys go crazy for.

They lose their minds, the way I wind, I think its time-

la la-la la la,

warm it up.

lala-lalala—"

She hiccupped and took a swig of her Butterbeer. She then collided with a hard object. She fell back, the empty bottle of Butterbeer rolling away. Hermione squinted at the figure she bumped into.

"Pro... Professor Dumbbbbblllllldorrrrrr?" Hermione slurred. She staggered to her feet and a hand gripped her upper arm hard and led her away.

"Harry! Have you found her?" Ron asked Harry, as they met each other en route to the Great Hall. Harry shook his head.

"I found an empty Butterbeer bottle, but she wasn't around." Harry said, holding up a bottle.

"Ahem." Said a voice.

"Harry!" slurred Hermione. She fell into Harry's arms.

"Where did you find her?" Ron asked the figure.

"Heading down to the dungeons."

"I knew it!" Ron said, shoving his fist in the air in a glorious, triumphant sort of way.

"Whatever Weasley. I suggest you keep your drunk friends a little closer to home." Draco Malfoy said, wiping his hand on his robe.

"Harry!" Hermione said again, snuggling up to him. "Proffessor Dumbledore found me!" She slurred.

"Whatever, Mudblood." Malfoy said.

"Mudblood?" said Hermione. "My Hermione is Name!" She whined. Malfoy scoffed and walked off.

"Come on Hermione, let's get you back to the common room." Harry said to her. He lifted her onto his back and carried her back to the common room.

Harry brought Hermione to the Girls Dormitory and laid her down on her bed. He dragged a basin over to the side of her bed for when she vomited.

"Harry?" Hermione said again. She reached out and grabbed a handful of robe. "Don't leave." She said.

"You're drunk. Get some sleep." He told her. Hermione nodded and her head slumped back on her pillow.

"Hermione?" Harry said.

"Mmm?" Hermione said, her eyes squinting up at him.

"Would you mind letting go of my ass?" Hermione let go of her fistful of 'robes'. Harry smiled.

Author's Note: How was it? Kind of cute, I thought. While driving to and from home this weekend, I was listening to Kelis's 'Milkshake' and I suddenly imagined Hermione drunk singing to the tune of this song. Go figure. Hope ya'll enjoyed it. Please review! No trash, recycle.