Hello all, so this fic was something I had written and was supposed to post on Ground Hogs Day... clearly that never happened. It didn't happen because I started to think it was not the best. But I am my own worst critic. Anyway, hopefully you all enjoy this one. it gets a little dark and I hope it makes sense! (it isn't beta'd so... mistakes my happen... also I clearly don't own TBBT.)
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Sheldon sat on the edge of his bed. His face cradled in his hands, he was breathing in deeply, and using those breathing exercises Penny had taught him a while ago to calm down so he wouldn't have a panic attack.
Penny.
He sighed and fell back on his bed, eyes closed, she'd been the only one who actually cared, came in his room to try and comfort him. Told the three stooges to go after him when he fled to Texas. She probably was the one who convinced them to apologize.
An apology he had only accepted because flashes of being under his mother's roof, under her rules scared him more than facing Caltech and any of his colleagues' ridicule.
And now she was with Leonard.
Not that he actually cared about that. It just felt like Leonard was being rewarded or all that had happened, while all he got was a pat on the back and a Star Trek movie spoiler.
His career was more than likely ruined… and if not completely, he would be a laughing stock at CalTech… more so now than ever.
He thought about revenge… he thought about just leaving. But he wouldn't. This was all he had. He couldn't leave it.
He felt embarrassed, hurt, betrayed and used.
Sheldon shut his eyes, hoping sleep would find him, lull his mind to rest for at least a few hours… maybe he'd wake up and this would be a horrible dream. Maybe he'd feel better in the morning.
He was never that lucky though…
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His eyes opened quickly, he felt a little cold, he recalled falling asleep on top of his covers, although this room didn't smell like his rom, didn't feel like his room.. Furrowing his brow, Sheldon looked around and realized he wasn't in his bed in Pasadena. He was on his cot, in his sleeping bag… still in the Arctic.
He sat up quickly, startled and confused. Leonard was still sleeping on his own cot, Raj and Howard's cots were close to the others, they were sleeping as well.
Sheldon felt this panic well up. That dream had been the most realistic dream he'd had in a long time. Well it was more of a nightmare. He shrugged it off; maybe he was just extra stressed. He glanced at the stack of his research on the desk by his bunk; he glanced at the email he had been typing up the night before, it was ready to send to the academic world.
He crawled from the bed and looked over the email, he glanced at his research. He glanced at his three friends asleep. He looked back at the laptop screen, eyes coasting over the words once more, a happy feeling filled his chest again and he hit send.
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Sheldon never actually believed in Deja Vu. He never saw any scientific evidence of it. But right now, as he sat in the back of Leonard's car, after getting off the plane from Texas. He was starting to wonder. His mind was playing words and actions moments before they happened. But he kept his mouth shut. Wasn't sure what he was going through.
The other three in the car, Raj to his left in the back, were silent; a tension was in the air. Leonard seemed to be in a hurry. The others seemed to think they were all forgiven. They were not. But he'd let them live with it for a bit. He had more important things to contend with.
For instance: why this day had played out five times already for him.
When Penny hugged him briefly when they finally got back home, he was in too much of a daze, didn't register her sad eyes on him. He did watch as Penny entered her apartment with Leonard close behind. A sick feeling filled his stomach before he retreated to his own apartment.
He was scared about falling asleep.
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He'd finally lost it. It was the only way to explain it. He had watched as Raj, Leonard and Howard finished packing up the truck, the one that would take them to the air strip and eventually home. He'd woken up and didn't send that email. He'd just sat there and silently panicked. And then he was feeling anger, while he didn't buy into the hocus pocus of dreams predicting the future; he was starting to wonder about it.
So he didn't send that email. He didn't talk to the other three on the long flight home. He did accept the hug from Penny when he saw her after almost four months away. He didn't run off to Texas after they confessed their actions.
He sat there and watched them now, all groveling and in a panic as they stated their reasons behind deceiving him, he wanted to explode and ask them why, but he already knew why they did it, knew what dribble was going to spill from their mouths before they even thought it.
He didn't forgive them, he walked to his bedroom and collapsed against the door, his heart was racing and he was wondering what alternate universe he woke up in… why was his life in this continuous loop of the worst day he'd ever experienced?
He wondered if maybe the plan had passed through some sort of vortex that sent him into an alternate universe. Or maybe he had died and this was hell, purgatory?
What he did know was that it had been two weeks now, two weeks of waking up on the cot at the research facility and going to seep in his own bed.
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He knew it was coming but it hit him hard. It was the 20th day of this, he wondered if people could get jet lag from flying 16 hours each and every single day.
For kicks and giggles, he had sent the email today, he didn't even care, he waited for them to tell him what they had done, and he only nodded and walked back to his room.
Penny had come in after that, he realized he'd been ignoring Penny the last three times, she was smiling at him, she looked sad. He wasn't sure of it was towards him or not.
When he dismissed her, she left quickly, he his chest hurt, he realized he had probably hurt her feelings. She was only trying to help… but it was getting old.
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He only grew angrier and bitter as the days and soon weeks passed, he was getting tired of hearing the same conversations, he was tired of seeing the same cars drive by, hearing the same music over and over… seeing the same damn faces over and over again.
One day as they walked up the steps, he just turned and punched Leonard in the face; Penny had seen it and was shocked. His excuse was them fucking with his research, he stormed off and slammed his way back into his room.
Another day he punched Leonard after they told him the truth.
He punched Howard once when he said that they had wanted to kill him.
For fun he stood over their cots one morning with the crossbow and waited until they woke up. He didn't do anything, but he enjoyed their panicked faces all the same.
It was probably 120 days into it, he had lost count, when he crawled out of his cot, and just started walking. He left their shelter and walked through the dark below freezing morning.
He was cold but he didn't care, he dropped to his knees, he felt tired, he wasn't even cold anymore. His eyes shut, his mind finally stopped thinking.
When his eyes opened and he sat up on his cot, he glanced the three sleeping, he bowed his head and sighed.
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200 days in, and he leaves right after they confess to him, and he goes to corner store and buys some hard clear liquor, he downs two bottles worth before he smashes a car window out and climbs in, hot-wires it and drives down the road as fast as he can, he only feels pain for a moment after he smashes head on into a light pole.
He wakes up and rolls his eyes.
He tries it again three times before he just gives up on that and walks in front of a bus one day, instead.
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He was sitting on the couch now, it was past 2 in the morning, and the apartment was dark and quiet.
They had told him the truth, he had only shrugged and turned on the tv, he was sure his reaction had scared them a little. But he truly didn't give a crap. Soon Raj and Howard left, worried and weary. Penny left as he kept ignoring her. And then Leonard went after her.
He felt tired and drained, he had died maybe 14 times in the past three weeks now, and it was getting old. He was coming up with interesting ways though, because no matter what, he'd wake up again.
He was alone with his dangerous thoughts for hours. Thinking of so much to do to himself… he didn't matter anymore.
He contemplated getting up and buying a gun, but his thoughts were dashed when the front door opened, Penny was sneaking in.
He watched her gently close the front door and tip toe towards the fridge.
He wanted to say such hateful, hurtful, cruel things to her, he didn't even know why, but he wanted to. He knew he could hurt her with words, maybe make someone else feel the way he feels.
That's how awful his mind was getting.
He wondered if it meant anything that he hadn't lashed out at her yet.
And then Penny was trying to reach a glass on a high shelf and Sheldon stood up and walked up behind her. His body pressed against hers as he reached and got the glass. He froze then, suddenly feeling more than he had in the last few weeks.
Penny had yelped, but she seemed to realize who it was. She relaxed and he gave her the glass.
He stepped back and she smiled up at him, she whispered a thank you. He was going to give snarky reply, and then he smelled it, Penny only smelled like Penny… she hadn't spent the night with Leonard. His disgusting cologne wasn't covering her delicate scent.
He wasn't sure what the feeling was that overcame him. But it was the most good he'd felt in over 253 days.
He nodded and gave a tiny smile himself, he stepped back and kept watching her as she got some juice from the fridge, his mind racing with thoughts.
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It had been two days since he encountered Penny in the kitchen, all the while he was thinking and plotting and planning.
It was easy because he just quickly blew through each day, brushing off the deceit and ignoring everyone, his mind on his task at hand.
The four of them were finally back, walking up the steps to 4A. Leonard was rambling on about some nonsense and Sheldon wanted to shove him back down the stairs. He'd done it once, the police were involved, and he spent the night in jail and woke up the next day on his cot in the arctic. He didn't really want to keep going to jail though… that wasn't fun.
When they did reach the top, Penny rushed from her apartment, she was happy.
Sheldon knew what she was going to do, his mind was racing, and he was panicked at as he thought of what to do. And then he looked over at the jerk standing next to him. Leonard was excited to see Penny, and Sheldon didn't think twice before his next actions.
When Penny hugged him, Sheldon placed his hand behind her head and he dipped his head down and pressed his lips to hers. She was frozen for a moment, and then she softened into his kiss, her hand found his chest.
Sheldon pulled away after that, he looked into her eyes, he arched an eyebrow at her and then he turned and walked to 4A.
He had to admit, upsetting the repetitive status quo this way had been fun. Leonard was squawking and pacing, Raj and Howard were utterly confused. And Penny, well she was standing in the kitchen, looking perplexed and confused.
Sheldon was also getting a little bored of Leonard's panic attack, so he decided to right the ship. He brought up his findings to Penny, told her he had sent the email.
That got the three men freaking out and groveling at him, trying to explain themselves, Sheldon had to suppress a smile, he didn't even care when Howard brought up wanting to kill him.
What surprised him the most was that Penny wasn't just disappointed, she was pissed. She smacked Leonard on the arm and threated to do worst to the others.
She had sat with him and made sure he was okay, told him that they should go and see Star Trek.
He apologized for kissing her like that, she had only shrugged.
Sheldon went to bed that night feeling a little better, he wondered if he would wake up in the arctic or if he'd wake up in his bed. He didn't really care much anymore.
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It was day 280, he was now keeping a journal, one that he had to refill every day, Sheldon would send the email before they left the arctic, he'd act normal and then when he saw Penny he would kiss her. It usually got the same result each time, he never had time to explain himself, the guys would freak out, reveal their deceit and he'd either go back to his room, go over to Penny's under the guise that he needed moral support, or he would take her to the movies.
He was enjoying spending time with Penny, each time he'd ask her something else, he started to learn a lot about her. That affected a lot of what he'd do each time he woke up.
He didn't even care about his research; he realized that this wasn't about that. All he cared about was Penny and keeping her away from the troll.
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He brought her a gift one day, shocking the whole group. It was her favorite flower, one she secretly loved, she never told anyone because she never thought it mattered. Potted African violets weren't the most romantic flowers, but she loved them.
That gained points for him and after the truth about the research was revealed he had Penny 100% on his side.
He kissed her later that night, after they'd gone to see Star Trek, telling her that he liked her and hadn't realized it until now.
And he meant it.
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They stayed up until 2am one night, playing video games and chatting away, it was easy to make it just be the two of them. Today he had boarded an earlier flight than usual, and if customs happened to find some illegal substances in his three "friends" luggage, well that wasn't his doing.
The day was fun and he knew that soon he'd fall asleep and he'd wake up to do it all over again, but he didn't care. He enjoyed being with Penny, he'd repeat this as many times as he had to.
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He realizes that a whole day just wasn't enough to do certain things, but it doesn't stop him. When it was just him and Penny and he confesses how he feels, he's a little shocked to see that she's happy about it, excited about, willing to try.
It's almost 10 months into this ordeal and they're on her couch, she's in his lap and they are kissing. Sheldon's gotten so much better at this whole kissing thing. When his plan of leaving the three in the arctic goes well, he's able to have more time to confess his feelings and then they get to this point; he has to be careful and not jump in too soon.
Penny is kissing him and her hips are moving around and he wants to do some other things to her but he knows he can't… not yet.
It's when they're snuggled on the couch after, watching late night tv, that he realizes he loves her… he realizes that he needs to tell her. He doesn't know why but it feels right.
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First time he tells her she goes to run her fingers along his scalp, checking for head injuries. He tries to explain it and realizes he can't really, he set himself up so that nothing will happen as it had been, he can't predict what will happen now while alone in her apartment.
So he says maybe he did hit his head and retires to his room.
He sends the email the next day, he allows the trio to panic, he lets Penny say what she has to, the guys tell him the truth, he rushes off to his room and he waits.
Penny does follow, she's sad for him and he asks her to sit next to him. He tells her everything, how they have been having a relationship, that he enjoys kissing her, that she likes kissing him, that they're so close and that he loves her.
She's stunned and before she can run away, he pleads with her to let him prove it, she nods and does as he asks. he tells her what Leonard will say when she leaves his room, what Howard will say… that she will hear a police siren go by when Raj starts nodding, agreeing with them all.
She's confused but she believes him.
He isn't sure why she does.
But she gives him a quick kiss on the lips before she leaves his room.
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Four nights later and they are sitting together on her living room floor, she believes him, and she's waiting up with him, even though she knows she won't remember it. He's glad she is on his side. Even if it's only for a few more hours.
What got her was when he predicted the most random, of events on their way back from the movies, everything down to someone stumbling slightly on the curb, a car backfiring… a dog barking.
She tells him to sleep and he rests his head on her lap as she runs her fingers through his hair, talking about his beautiful mind and telling him that it'll be okay.
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He asks her if they can do something, after a whole day spent convincing her of everything... after she finally believes him. It's been 11 months now and he's wondering if he'll ever get out of the loop.
She tells him that she loves him and both freaks him out and brings him joy.
So they make love, he whispers secrets to her, she confesses little things, some he knew and some that startle him.
He's wrapped around her, she's just finished kissing his lips, and he wants to stay buried in the covers with her, why can't he repeat this moment?
He falls asleep surrounded by Penny.
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Sheldon opens his eyes, he sighs, and he's already got a plan in place to set everything up, get back to Penny. He blinks when he doesn't see his laptop, the air isn't cold and….
Sheldon rolls onto his back fast; he looks over and sees Penny snuggled under the covers next to him.
He's in her bed, its morning; he's in Penny's bed. in Penny's bedroom.
He woke up in Pasadena.
Sheldon rubs his face, he recalls Penny helping him to shave his goatee last night, and he's clean shaven still.
Sheldon smiles, he can't even believe it. He looks at Penny who is still sleeping. If she wasn't he'd start hollering and jumping up and down. The euphoric feeling that washes over him is almost the best feeling he's had in a long time. Topped only by Penny telling him that she loves him and what they did last night.
He leans over her and gently taps her arm, tap tap tap "Penny" he waits. He repeats two more times, the second time he sees her smile a little.
Penny opens her eyes and looks up at him, she smiles, "what time is it?" Penny asks as she stretches and yawns before she snuggles close into his side, looking happy and sleepy.
"It doesn't matter... It's the day after!" Sheldon can't keep the excitement from his voice.
Penny makes a soft 'mmm' sound as she runs her hands up his arms and shoulders. "You said that maybe last night would be the last one." Penny reminds him.
Sheldon looks perplexed." You… you remember… of course you would… how much?" he asks as he moves in closer to her, waiting and hoping.
"It's all sort of jumbled, but I remember a lot of weird and crazy things… almost feels like a dream." Penny whispered as she smiled at the happy look on his face.
"God… I can't believe it!" Sheldon is laughing and wrapping his arms around Penny and rolling them a little bit. "I love you." He whispers in her neck.
Penny giggles and kisses his temple, "love you too, you whack-a-doodle."
He lifts his head and presses a kiss to her lips. She kisses him back tenderly and he rolls them so she's under him, he isn't shy around her anymore. She runs her fingers through his hair.
He starts to kiss her neck tenderly and Penny has a thought. She doesn't want to ruin the moment, but she has to ask.
Penny looks at him and furrows her brow, "what about the guys?"
Sheldon remembers that they had called last night about being held up in customs.
Sheldon lifts his head and looks at her; he has a little dopey grin on his face, "we'll deal with it tomorrow." He replies before he goes in to kiss her again, interrupting her small giggle.
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Fin.