He's not sure if it's denial or the lingering haze of unconsciousness, but the world is as it should be when he first wakes from sleep. She's not dead and he's not in danger of losing the best friend he's ever had until he's fully awake. He drifts in and out of sleep often, seeking the comfort of those moments. He'll take false comfort if it's the only kind available.
There are occasional visitors asking him questions, saying things they think he wants to hear, but awkward uncomfortable phrases and silences fill their visits. None of them know him. None of them know the right things to say.
There is only one with whom he might have found some solace, even in silence, perhaps most in silence. But they both have too much hurt of their own right now, too much hurt that they've caused each other.
He rages at the insipid talk show hosts chattering on about some crap. Don't they know his life has just fallen apart? Shards of the life that was sinking lower than ever. The normalcy of the world around him is infuriating. He throws the remote at the television and it lands with a satisfying clunk.
And perhaps the damn remote didn't deserve it after all because suddenly there's an all-too familiar stinging in his nostrils and hot wetness on his face and there is no end to the sadness of this damn fucked up situation. There's nothing fair or logical about it. All there is is sadness, and fear that he won't be able to go on, and emptiness where there should be a friend. All there is, is irrevocable damage.
He tries to bargain with a God he wasn't sure he believed in, promising to try harder, do better, give more, if only the pain could be a little less, if only time could rewind. He pictures Superman spinning the Earth backwards on its axis and wonders if perhaps that's who he should be negotiating with instead.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross crosses his mind as he waits for sleep. He thinks it a myth that the stages of grief follow any order. He knows what he is feeling, the constant shift among denial, anger, bargaining and depression, is closer to the reality of this process. Only the last stage has a fixed sequential position.
Acceptance always comes last. He wonders how long it will take. How long it will take for both of them.