Author Fangirling: I opened Word Processor to work on essays, not on fan fiction! It looks like some of my anti-academic attitude was channeled through Chiriko. Though I'm sure he doesn't run into the same problem I do with listening to music while I work and giving myself a private concert singing along to everything and loosing track of where I was… where was I? Oh yeah. Chiriko's hard to write in 3rd person!
Ou Doukun sighed. That evening he had no will to study, and the feeling was becoming more frequent. Even those his character was present so he was able to think, he had no inspiration.
"Why don't you go take a look at the stars? That normally helps you," his mother suggested, never having been much of a scholar herself. She was immensely proud of her son, but couldn't offer much help when he was struggling. To be polite, he excused himself to the roof.
Figures. A cloudy night. They weren't even interesting clouds.
The boy slumped over the railing and sighed again. Seeing the stars always reminded him of his wonderful role as a celestial warrior, but on other occasions, it would just remind him of what he was besides that. Without Suzaku's help giving him such superior intelligence, he was weak and couldn't even think for himself. Perhaps using me as a vessel for the Chiriko persona is Suzaku's way of being charitable, he thought.
It did provide him with a good future. As a court official, he would be able to make more than enough money for his family to live comfortably, and would be able to use his power for Konan's best interest. Over the years, he had convinced himself of his goals, but this was one of those nights when the future seemed clouded as well.
Provided I pass the next exam, he thought, what's going to happen on those days when my character doesn't appear? Will I just have to say, 'Sorry, I can't do any work today! Maybe tomorrow!' over and over? That would be humiliating. It's so inconvenient to have to rely on my powers so much.
They aren't even mine. I'm just borrowing this intelligence from Suzaku.
Calling myself 'Chiriko' makes me feel so fake.
"Are you tired of me using your name, Chiriko?" he asked aloud. The air was still silent, so there was no answer to his rhetorical question. From the pit of his stomach, however, he felt a desire to answer himself back. Doukun ignored it, but that voice inside everyone that answers their own prayers, whether they like it or not, continued to speak up.
I'm tired of lying to myself about who I am. I'm Ou Doukun, a crybaby who can't do anything without help.
Not that voice, Doukun, the other one.
If I'm tired of lying to myself, then I should just stop it.
He paused, not entirely willing to listen to himself a spoil a perfectly good pity party. It was completely logical to set his doubts aside and just accept himself as being a Suzaku warrior, but not easy.
Studying isn't easy, either, he reminded himself, and headed back inside. Doukun opened up one of the books and began reading, and before long, was completely immersed.