Xander,

Yup, I'm dead. Again.

Sorry, Xand, I had to make that joke. But at least I know that you're smiling right now. Even if the Powers That Be hadn't have given me a front seat to the aftermath of my death (the absolute, final death-there's no more coming back for Buffy), I'd know that you'd be the one who'd have the hardest time dealing. So, when the PTB (that seems to be the official nickname for the Powers-although you should hear some of the nicknames Cordelia has given them) said I had the chance to leave someone behind a message, I knew it had to be you. So, here's the letter from me to you.

For the record, I lived four times. Life one is the one where I met you and Will. Life number two is the one you gave to me. (I should have thanked you for that one, Xander. So, um, thanks. And yes, that sounded stupid. So much for death giving you great intelligence and all that.) Life number three was the post-Glory revival you guys did, and life four started in the hospital, right after Warren shot me. Everyone up here is still fighting over that one, though. Obviously, they don't have TV here (which means I'm going to miss the series finale of Dawson's Creek......grrr).

God, I just wasted a paragraph talking about all the times I've died. Of course, it's because I'm an idiot, and I'm scared to death (or is it life since I'm already dead?) of what I need to tell you. What I should have told you a long time ago.

I love you.

Don't look at me (OK, don't look at my *letter*) like that, Xander. I know what you just said. "Of course you do, Buff." It's not like that; it's not friend love. I'm not even sure it was ever *just* friend love. I'm in love with you, Xander. Yeah, that way.

God, this is so unfair! Why am I so stupid, Xander? Why? It's just....God, it's not *right*. I hurt you all those years ago, and now I'm just barely realizing it, and it's too late. God, Xander, I just....

Sorry about that. Kind of lost it for a sec. I'm done crying now.

You must hate me right now, Xander. I don't blame you. I just hope you can forgive me someday for leaving you, and then sending you the cosmic equivalent of, "Oh, by the way, I love you, but I was too stupid to tell you and now it's too late." I'm sorry, Xander. Please believe me.

Now comes the really hard part. I need you to do some stuff for me. Nothing life threatening, but still important to me. First off, I need you to take care of Dawn. Yes, she's pretty close to being an adult now, but she needs a Dad. I'd ask Giles, but I only get one letter (and believe me, I asked for one letter for each of my lives-didn't exactly go over well with the Powers, that's for sure). Besides, he's more like her grandfather, really. Which makes me the Mom. (Don't laugh-it makes you and Willow the Aunt and Uncle, so nyah.) She's going to be confused, alone, depressed, and a whole lot of other things, so I need you to really watch out for her. Thanks, Xand.

Next, I need you to talk to Angel. Please, Xander, make your peace with him. I still love him, just like you still love Willow. He's going to be just as confused and hurt as you are, Xand, so please try to talk to him. Tell him to keep fighting, for me, and that I love him. Please.

After that, talk to Cordelia, and thank her for me. She's amazing, Xander, she really is. I'm sorry I didn't notice it until now.

Visit Faith. Tell her that I'm sorry, and that I love her.

Give Spike hell. I know he's going to get even nuttier now that I'm gone, so I need you to keep on his ass. I don't expect you to forgive him (I'm not even sure I can, not entirely), but he needs to keep fighting. He's more important than you can possibly know.

Give Giles a hug. He's the best Watcher, and the best father, that I could ever have hoped for. I'm going to miss him so much. Also, tell him that I love him. Then do it yourself.

Keep visiting Jesse's and Tara's and my Mom's graves. You can't see them, but they're there. And they miss you, too.

Finally, I need you to promise to do something especially important for me. I need you to love Willow. Yeah, I know, it's like breathing for you, but you need to make an extra effort now, Xander. She's devastated and confused, and she needs you. I need you to tell her that you love her as much as possible, and to hold on to her when she cries, and make her smile just like I know you can. You two are meant for each other, Xander. Please, stay with her. She needs you more than ever, Xander, and I need you to be with her. If you do only one thing I've asked you to do, please make it this last request.

I wish I had some elaborate and touching closing, but I don't. I'm going to miss you, Xander. You've been the best friend that anyone could ever have hoped for. You're funny, smart, loyal, diligent (don't you *dare* tell Giles I used that word), and resilient, and I love you with all of my heart. Goodbye, Xander. I love you.

Buffy Anne Summers