Why I'm in Love with Daniel, by Jack

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Yah - Why I love Danny - Me - no full names - no USAF title - just Me - Jack.........

So first off I gotta say WHY I'm writing this right?
Me being Me, I was nosing around in DannyBoy's office and noticed he left his Journal open on his desk.

Ok it wasn't opened........

Or on his desk........

He would never do that. Leaving his personal Journal out where anyone could happen upon it is a big no no in his book. Personal, incriminating stuff in there ya know

.
So it was tucked away where it should be, under double lock and key.

I picked both locks because I knew he'd been writing about me last night.

I was snooping - it's what I do.

He's off on some archaeological Mission with SG-9 and I'm stuck here doing paperwork - and I'm bored. And lonely..... and I miss him okay?
When I miss him - I come in here and root around - it helps - being surrounded by things he loves, ya know?

Anywho.....when I saw his last entry entitled "Why I'm in love with Jack"
and decided to pen my own little entry here so that Danny Dearest has something to entertain himself with when he gets home.

But that's not the only reason - I think it also has to do with the fact that - I'm not exactly what you would call a talkative guy, and I don't share my feelings a lot with Daniel, or anyone else.
The reality we live in, is that either one of us could be killed any day, hell HAVE been, and he should know how I feel. Writing is a lot easier than talking, for me.

So to the meat of the thing .....why.......why am I in love with Daniel?
That's a loaded question, with no one particular answer, because there are so many, many reasons.

So let's back up to the beginning and look at why I began to love him in the first place.

In my book Love in any form is synonymous with trust, and Trust is a Big issue with me.
When I met Daniel, my life was in the toilet, literally.

I went on that mission to Abydos because I knew it was a suicide mission. I had nothing left, nothing to live for. My marriage had been struggling for years before Charlie............well Charlie was the glue holding us together, Sara and me. We went to counseling and we were trying, really trying, for his sake, but when he died, there was no reason to keep trying.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my wife, I did, I still care for her, a lot, but there were a lot of issues. One of which being we had nothing in common and I had no idea how to communicate with her.

She didn't understand me, or why I couldn't talk to her. It wasn't just because I was special ops and most of my missions were classified - so therefore the nightmares were classified too. It was because she had no frame of reference for understanding. She wasn't there....so how could she understand? And I'm not good at explaining things - I needed her to understand without my having to go into detail and explain.
Even with explanations - some things - you really do have to experience yourself to understand, so what good would explaining have done?

So I did the wrong thing, and shut her out completely. But that's ancient history, and this isn't about Sara, or Charlie, it's about Daniel.

He saved me.
I wanted to die.
I had nothing to live for, and he saved me.

Yes literally, but also figuratively.

When I looked into those intense blue eyes on Abydos, those eyes full of passion, and compassion, and intelligence, and understanding, I wasn't just seeing his face and his eyes. I was seeing straight into his heart and his soul, and something about what he was saying to me and how he was saying it, made me want to care about somebody other than myself and my own grief.

He made me want to save those people, Skaara, Sha're, Kasuf, all of them. He made me want to disobey direct orders and lie to my commanding officers about it. He gave me the will to live. He made me see that there was more to life than just me and my grief.

We also had common ground he and I. He lost his parents, watched them die right in front of him, and he went on. He at eight, was stronger than I was as a full bird Special Ops Colonel in the United States Air Force. I lost my son and was about to lose my marriage, but I still had a job to do and a life to live. If an eight year old boy could do it, so could I.

We united, we bonded, we took on Ra together, and when Ra killed him, I got PISSED. REALLY PISSED...... so I killed the fucker right back even though Danny got resurrected by the sarcophagus.

It killed me to leave him behind, he'd become a friend, a teammate, a confidante, and a brother to me on that mission. But I could see his love for Sha're in his eyes, and for me it was enough to know that he was happy.

So I left.

I came home, and I woke up every day and I went to work, for a while, and when I got tired of that, I retired.

Then I kept on getting up every day and doing whatever it was I did. I bought a telescope and taught myself about astronomy, and figured out where up there in that vast night sky Abydos was.
After that I spent my evenings stargazing, wondering if Danny was happy, what he was doing, if I'd ever see him again. Wondering what to do with my life.

Then they came for me.

The good 'ole USAF.....with their questions and their interrogations, and their talk of Ra like beings.
I may have fudged the report. So did Kawalsky and Ferretti, but RA WAS DEAD - I knew that.

So I answered the good 'ole USAF - with a box of Kleenex, for my friend.

And then the Dominoes fell and Daniel was back in my life. I was no longer retired and SG-1 was born.

From there our friendship only deepened and strengthened. I don't have to explain things to Daniel, because whatever it is I'm going through, he was there, he went through it with me, we went through it together. So communicating is easy. Words aren't necessary. A look or a pat on the shoulder, even an occasional hug are all that's needed.

Of course I have that with Sam and Teal'c too. We are a team and I love all of them like family. I truly do care for each of them "far more than I am supposed to", but we've been through HELL and back together far more times than I'd like to count.

So what's so different about Daniel?

It's not just that he understands me. Or that I trust him with my life. It's more than that.

Maybe because he saved me - and then I saved him, and that was before SG-1. Or maybe it was because he was able to get me to bare my soul to him when no one else could. Whatever it was, I have a comfort level with Danny that I don't have with anyone else. Never had with anyone else, not even Sara. Charlie came closest. Because I loved him unconditionally

That's how I love Daniel.......... Unconditionally.

Don't get me wrong, he Pisses me off, BIG TIME. He's a stubborn, obstinate. pig-headed, rush in without thinking, take risks he shouldn't for people he doesn't know, caring, compassionate, quixotic, son of a bitch.

But I love him for it, and I wouldn't change him for the world.

Sometimes, I argue with him when I know he's right, just because I can. Because I know we CAN argue like that and still love each other and be okay.

So I loved him, ya know.

I was closer to him than any other human being on this or any other planet, but I fell IN love with him gradually. I didn't even realize it at first.

We did our Friday night, hang out with the team thing, but at first Teal'c wasn't allowed off base, and Carter was working on her, thingamajigs and doohickeys more often than not, so most of the time it was just me and Danny.

I made him do it even when he wanted to translate. He needed the break. So did Carter, but for some reason, I would let her keep working even when I wouldn't let Daniel.

That told me something. Something I wasn't yet willing to admit to myself.

I couldn't admit it. Not 'till I thought he was dead.

The mission to P3X-866, Oannes, Nem's Planet. He altered our memories, and we thought Daniel was dead.

I didn't feel it, I knew he was alive......something wasn't right

I was hurt.

I was ANGRY.

I was lost, confused, raw, aching, but most of all ANGRY. I just got him Back and Now he's GONE??!!

The unfairness of it all hit me like a ton of bricks, and I didn't know how I was going to live without him? It was tearing me apart. Making me crazy with grief and conflict of not believing it was true.
I was pretending to play hockey in my driveway when the anger hit the hardest, then suddenly my hockey stick was connecting with General Hammond's driver side window, shattering it into a million pieces......... and I knew.

I knew in that moment that I didn't just love him like the brother I never had, I was in love with him, and there was nothing I could do about it.

No amount of questioning my own masculinity, or why or how I could possibly be in love with another man was going to change how I felt.

Lucky for me He wasn't really dead.

He makes a habit of that.

I really did think he was dead when we left him on Apophis's ship. He'd been hit by a staff blast, directly in the chest. I didn't want to leave him, but I had to, no choice. It ripped my guts out.
When I saw him in the gate room, I couldn't hold back. I found myself hugging him and calling him SpaceMonkey in front of God and everybody, literally, including the General, and I didn't care.

But even then I didn't tell him.

I didn't tell him for a long time.

Even though he'd look at me with those amazing blue eyes and I would immediately feel as if I'd been wrapped in a warm blue blanket of contentment, and yes later, desire. I kept it to myself. He had a wife.

It wasn't until after I'd tried to put it behind me, move on, get past it that I ever said anything. I tried, I really tried. I tried to move on with Lara, on Eudora. I even pushed him away. I said things I didn't mean.

Although that one time, when I was working undercover with the Tolans, trying to bring the NID down, that tore me up, saying those things to him......... that he'd never been my friend. I had to go outside where the "bugs" couldn't hear me afterwards and puke. But I did say it, and it hurt him, and even after he knew why I said it, he stayed away.

So I kept trying to move on, this time with Sam, but that was, ........that was desperation and denial, needing to fill a void.

I told him after P4X-347 - that damn Light thing.

He almost died twice that the near swan dive off the balcony, then when he flat lined.
It was then that I realized how much time I had wasted and how I could lose him for REAL any moment, and would never have had a chance to be with him, or tell him how I felt.

I knew it was a gamble, a risk, that I might be rejected, but I also knew that Daniel would never let my confession come between our friendship, even if he didn't return my feelings.

So I Gambled.........

and I won........big time!

I won Daniel.
Seems he'd also been harboring some unrequited feelings of his own, for quite some time.

So why do I love Daniel? Why am I in love with him?

Simple,.... he is part of me.

He is the first thing I think about when I wake up - and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.
Knowing him has made me become a better person, a more compassionate and understanding person. I've changed a lot since I met him.

I used to be a hard ass ALL the time - now I'm only that way a lot of time, - which is less. He is ingrained in the person that I've become. He's part of my very soul. To not love him, would be to not love the part of myself that IS him.

So what about the good 'ole USAF?

Sam and Teal'c posed that question after they found out about us, they had to know eventually, ya know?

This is how it is....... I love my job - but I love Daniel more.

Under the current command I'm reasonably sure that I would be offered a quiet retirement, rather than a court martial on charges of conduct unbecoming an officer.....or whatever. Because I keep saving the planet and all that.

So if forced to choose between Retiring from my job, or losing Daniel….Daniel would win,
hands down, EVERY time. No doubt about it.
(Hope that clears some things up for you Danny)

And if he does die and I lose him tomorrow, I can take comfort in the fact that not all of him will leave me. I will still have the memories of him in my mind, my love for him, in my heart, and His love for me, and everything else he has given me, in my soul.
For that I will be eternally grateful.

I love you Daniel Jackson, with everything I've got.