Disclaimer: I do not own the HP Universe. It can't get much plainer than that people so don't sue me.
A/N: Holy crud it's not humor. Sorry folks, just a little bit of introspective that ran away with me until it turned into some pretty little Remus angst. There may or may not be more of these introspective drabble things with the other Marauders. Who knows.
Sometimes, as Remus sits in the far corner of the room watching Sirius goof around with Peter and James trying to win a date with Lily, he thinks that he doesn't belong here. There's the constant fear that they aren't really his friends, that they're just humoring him for their own amusement. When Sirius smiles and slings an arm around his shoulders Remus thinks that Sirius' smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, that his arm hesitates before making contact with him as if he is afraid of touching him. Or that the words James speaks to him are just empty, mere formalities that he goes through upon occasion because it's expected of him during a friendship. It's unlike the shared smile between conversation and companionable looks between Sirius and James when they talk.
Remus knows Peter's afraid of him, it's hidden carefully behind his sweet smile and wide eyes but it's still there if they know where to look and Remus does. He has seen that carefully guarded smile from almost everyone because they instinctively know something's not right about him. Even the Muggles edge a little bit away from him when he walks down the street, but he doesn't fault them. Not really, for who would want to be in the presence with a beast?
He knows what he is. The scars that crisscross across his body are a daily reminder. The teeth marks from where he was bitten are like a glaring sign that Remus almost swears people can see right through his clothes, a mark so deep it's like a stain upon his soul.
He's careful, he's always careful because he's so afraid. He's afraid what people would think of him if they found out what he was. He's afraid what they would do if they knew what he turned into every full moon. He hides it well behind his shy and easygoing manner because he doesn't want to make anyone suspicious. He doesn't want anyone to find out, he doesn't think he could stand it. So he hides. He hides behind a mask so people will not know. And if people take advantage of that passive personality then that's okay because it's not his, not really, so what does it matter? They can't tell the difference between that Remus and the real one, although he fears the mask is slowly taking over. But beggars can't be choosers and he'd rather take this kind of naïve abuse than others they could do to him. And if he loses himself in his lie, this charade than all the better. He can't get hurt that way if there's nothing of him to hurt.
But sometimes he wonders if he weren't bitten, would he have been different? Would he have been confident like Sirius or sure of himself like James? Would they be his friends, would he be theirs? Would he finally be free of the lies he's constructed around himself to protect them and to protect him.
Remus looks up from his pensive gaze in the fire as he tries to dispel his worries that plague his thoughts. Of course they are his friends, they like him for who he is no matter what. They haven't said it yet but he knows this is true, they have to be.
Sirius looks up from his latest girlfriend and beckons him over towards the group with a warm smile; a smile Remus thinks never quite reaches his eyes and sometimes he wonders.