Disclaimers: I do not own NGE, Gainex does. I only own this fic, but not the characters or the props. This Fanfic was created for entertainment purposes only.
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The Cruel Penguin's Thesis
' So, it seems that the humans are asleep..…...Time for some mid-night snack.' he thought,
-It was a usual day in the Misato residence, or rather, it was in the middle of the night. To be precise, everyone was asleep except for one....
-A dark figure had wandered into the kitchen.......Unfortunately, the figure tripped on a certain drunk beauty who just happened to pass out on the kitchen floor an hour ago. As the figure fell, it quickly grabbed on to the table cloth by accident and down came all the dishes on the table....Right above Misato.
* CLINKITY CLINK CLINK!!!!!!!!!* The horrible sound of the smashing dishes made the figure cringe.
' Oh no, oh no, oh no………..Ok, what should I do now? ……Errrrrr...........' the penguin thought,
" WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!!!!!!!!". Out came the only thing that our troublemaker could think of at the moment, but nobody woke up.
-After that awkward moment had passed, Pen-Pen started to think logically.
' OK, since nobody saw what happened, I can still cover all this up!'
-With that thought in mind, the little warm water bird started to pick up the little glass pieces off his guardian's face.
' Damn this would be a little easier if I had thumbs!!!!! Stupid Nerv....'
-The obviously angry bird wasn't paying attention to what he was doing and instead of picking off the glasses, he was actually poking Misato's face with the pieces out of anger. As soon as he realized what he was doing, he was in a panic. But he shook his head in order to get a hold of himself.
' OK, once she gets up, she won't know I did it. Yeah, there is still time. But it still amazes me that she didn't wake up from the pain.'
-He quickly discarded any negative thoughts and looked for a trash bag. After couple of minutes, he decided to empty one of the trash bags, full of beer cans and use it to get rid of his mess.
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' Oh, man. I gotta go take a wiz.'
-As the event continued throughout the night, the one Shinji Ikari, decided that he had to go take a wiz, drop the anchor, unleash the dragon, release his anger, empty his bladder..…….Well you get the picture. It's always fun to see how many ways you can rephrase I gotta go pee.
-Once the door was opened, Pen-Pen heard the noise and he quickly hid under the table. He was beginning to imagine his future.
======In Pen-Pen's Mind:======
" Oh my God!!!!!!!!!! You stupid penguin!!!!!! You killed Misato!!!!!!" The fiery red head hollered at the penguin.
" Well actually, Asuka I think Misato is sleeping.…...." Shinji checked her pulse for a couple of seconds, " Uh, never mind...She's dead." The boy chuckled at the situation,
" Hey, isn't it funny and slightly ironic? I mean she was passed out from drinking too much and look what it got her into...I always told her to take it easy. Now look what happens when you don't listen to me. A beer a day keeps the doctor away, my ass"
-The penguin just stood there, glued to the floor.
"…..Hmmm……....I wouldn't be surprised if it was alcohol that killed her."
Asuka gave Shinji a nod, " Yeah, I agree with you on that one, baka."
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" She is dead!!! Her cause of death? Alcohol poisoning!!!!!!" Came the stern doctor's reply as he mashed his fist against the coffin.
-The place was eerily quiet since there was not that much crying going on. It was mainly because she owed a lot of money to her friends before she died. Then Shinji came up to talk before the people, he was practically crying like a girl.
" Sh-She was.…...like a mother to me. I……..I cared for her like a mother. But then she just dies on the kitchen floor like that....…"
Then the boy started to snicker, " Heh…...But it was funny because it was so ironic. I mean, she always loved beer so much. Especially that Boa beer or Yebisu beer or something.….....I knew her obsession with alcohol would be the end of her. Why are the pretty ones always so crazy?"
-The crowd was in a laughing craze. Then Shinji took up the microphone and started to do a stand up comedy from impressions of Misato to the crazy things she did.
" HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!"
" And then she's like, Oh Kaji I love you because you remind me of my father." Shinji was on a roll and someone asked him to do a comedy act at their party.
======End of the Penguin's Crazy Imagination.======
' Hey, maybe it won't be all that bad.' The penguin pondered about the sudden possibility.
"UH...................yeah!! That feels so good........Ah........." the Japanese boy said,
-Shinji finished using the bathroom and stepped out. The penguin stopped pondering and did not move or breathe at all for fear of attracting the boy's attention.
' Then again, I don't want to take any chances.'
-The penguin was relieved once Shinji went back to his own room. He quickly discards the trash bag outside the window and thought what to do next. Then something snapped in his mind.
' Now all I need to do is wash off the blood on the floor and off her face.' The penguin wobbled into the bathroom to get some toilet paper.
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Meanwhile.............
" So it seems that they're all asleep...........Time for some mid- night snack."
-The one, Asuka Langley Sorhyu, got hungry during the night. She quickly got up and peeked through her door. Seeing that there was nobody around, she tiptoed to the kitchen.
-Inside the bathroom, Pen-Pen was busy trying to unroll the toilet papers.
' Damn toilet papers, why can't they be penguin friendly!!!'
As he was busy with the toilet papers, he heard a crash and a," DAMN FU-......!!"all coming from the kitchen.
-At first the penguin was just horrified. But then a sly smile crept up to his face.... He ran out the door and went into the kitchen just in time to see Asuka trying to drag Misato's body into her room. But before she could, the evil penguin did the only thing that he could think of at the moment.
" WARRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!"
-Pen-Pen screamed so hard that it actually shook the whole neighborhood. As soon as he finished screaming, Shinji ran out, still trying to put his clothes on.
" What's our situation Misato?!!!!!"
-Thinking that there was another Angel attack going on, Shinji hastily walked into the kitchen, where the loud noise emanated from....…....Almost stepping over Misato but not quite. As soon as Shinji took in the scene that appeared right in front of him, his jaws hit the floor.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER ASUKA!!!!!!!!!!!."
Asuka was just so horrified that she barely whispered," It....it-its not what it looks like….. "
-There was so much screaming going on that it would even wake the dead.........in this case a drunk.
" M....m..............what.........what's going on?"
-Everyone was shocked as Misato stirred from her sleep, but as soon as she got up, Misato noticed that Asuka had her hands around her legs as if to drag her. Noticing this, Asuka dropped Misato's legs on the floor and stepped back like a terrified infant on an attempt to walk for the first time. As if on cue, the warm water bird brought a mirror to his mistress.
-Puzzled, Misato took the mirror and positioned it in front of her face. Couple of seconds had passed and she slowly lifted her face away from the mirror to gaze at the second child. And again Asuka was only able to whisper,
" It......It.....its not what it looks like...."
-Misato just smiled at her and reached inside her jacket. She now wore a smile that resembles Evangelion Unit 1 gone berserk.
" I'll give you ten seconds to run……. NOW."
"EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!"
-With that, the once fiery red head, ran out the apartment door. Without counting even a second, Misato walked right out the door after the second child. Shinji ran out the door to get Misato to calm down before she did anything she would regret.
-After everyone was gone, the penguin simply went inside the kitchen, took some food and walked inside his room/ fridge whistling, "Fly me to the moon."
THE END.....well for Pen-Pen anyways…..
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Author's Notes: Random weirdness from yours truly. I don't know where it came from, but one things for sure...It wreaks the smell of pure insanity, like me. Well, anyways, there you have it folks. The first one shot fanfic. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
Now to end it with a quote…
" Never use while sleeping"
- Instructions on a Conair hair dryer