Rating: K+ for swearing.
Summary: Six fanfiction conventions that all of us use (myself included!), and two canon facts that make them irrelevant.
A/N: Just me playing around; this took all of five minutes to write. Jim's cursing makes me think this is ST:XI, so that's where this itty bitty ficlet goes. Only slash if viewed with slash goggles on.
(start with zero)
"What drastic emergency must be taking place in order for me to initiate a mind-meld with the Captain without his permission? Such a violation is considered tantamount to rape by Vulcans."
(add one)
"He already does, not often, but he does—mostly when we're not on duty, and sometimes even when we are. And even if he didn't use my name, why would it bother me? D'you think I'm going to cry myself to sleep just because my First Officer calls me 'Captain'?"
(add two)
" 'Removing his emotional inhibitions' just makes him sad and chatty. He won't stop talking about his mother, I barely escaped."
(add three)
"Why the hell would I beam down to fucking Hoth without taking basic precautions such as...I don't know...bringing a thermal blanket?"
(add four)
"Why would I expend valuable time acting as the Captain's nurse-maid when he is clearly still ill and would be much better cared for in the Sickbay? As the first officer of this starship, I can think of at least twenty-two other activities which would be a better use of my time."
(add five)
"Well, yeah, we play chess occasionally, but it's not my sole recreational activity. Just something we do two or three times a month. You know me, I'm a poker guy."
(and now for something completely different)
—
(divide by zero)
"If it became apparent that the Captain could not be rescued without unjustifiable risk to the crew or ship, naturally I would not attempt to rescue him. However, I cannot imagine any possible scenario in which such risk could be considered "unjustifiable".
(add the last digit of pi)
"Sacrifice the ship for Spock? That's ridiculous. I'd never...er...well, it's just a ship, right?"
(and start over again)
—