A/N: So this series was started about four years ago while I was running for parts at work and was daydreaming while driving and listening to the radio. After picking up my notebook for the first time in years and finding the scribbled post-it notes and the first few paragraphs, I went…good God that's awful. So, I fixed it up some. I hope you enjoy. There will be four parts to this story, and will be updated when I get to it (I work two jobs, so free time is a precious commodity.)
Legal stuff: I don't own Gundam Wing, or Zechs, or Noin. I once owned a crappy excuse for a couch like the one mentioned in the story. The Salvation Army or Goodwill wouldn't even take it.
This first part was inspired by the song "Why" by Jason Aldean.
This is Zechs' POV
3 a.m.
In three hours, I have to be up for my shift. In three hours, I will have been up for twenty-four hours straight. Far from my record, but an unpleasant thought nonetheless. I'm exhausted and sore and I desperately want to get some sleep, but my mind won't let me. Or maybe it's this sad excuse for a couch.
Sighing, I shift to lie on my back, draping an arm over eyes stinging from exhaustion. It's sad, really, how the famed Lighting Count has been reduced to sleeping on the couch (if one could call two-by-fours draped with rough fabric a couch) when I have a perfectly good bed just a few paces away. Removing my arm, I turn my head to look at the closed door to my bedroom and sigh again, this time in frustration followed by a rush of anger. Jumping from the couch I stride towards the door, determination replacing my earlier exhaustion.
It's my damn bed, too. I have every right to be there, I think, Why shouldn't I be comfortable?
Because you're a damned fool, the more rational side of my mind says.
I pause with my hand hovering just over the knob for a moment, and then let my hand drop listlessly to my side. Letting out a defeated breath, I turn on my heel and trudge back to couch and sit, burying my head in my hands. The voice is right. I'm a fool who deserves worse than being kicked to the couch for the night. The sad part is I exiled myself. Noin hadn't specifically kicked me out, but stubborn pride had refused to give in and I figured that a night apart would cool tempers. I hindsight, it wasn't by best idea, and to be perfectly honest, the whole thing was stupid.
It's also all my fault. If I was half as smart as people give me credit for, I would have said that in the first place and then maybe I would be curled up in bed, comfy and cozy with Noin lying next to me. But no, I have to be stubborn and stupid and trying to sleep on this God damned excuse for a couch…again. After a quick calculation, I realize this is the third time in two months this happened. It's not something I'm proud of. In fact, the thought startles me.
When Noin and I first arrived on Mars almost two years ago, it was rough both professionally and personally. The beginning stages of terraformation are hard and intense. It was not the ideal time to start a relationship based on something more than friendship, but since when have we done things the easy way? We fought a lot then as we tried to find our place in this new world and tried to sort out the demons of our past while attempting to move forward. We took on any task assigned to us, if only because we craved a challenge and because it worked out whatever personal frustration we were experiencing. After a while, the kinks in the project began to smooth out, and so did the kinks in our relationship. A year ago, things were great. We worked, and talked, and discovered new things about ourselves and each other. And yet, there was always a nagging doubt in the back of my mind, and it wasn't about her, it was about me.
I hadn't been overly surprised when Noin chose to accompany me to Mars, but I wondered if she had made the right choice. She had a lot going for her on Earth, and she deserved more than a near primitive existence with a dead man. I wanted more for her. I still want more for her…better. And while she constantly reassured me that she was here because it was what she wanted, I often questioned her motives at first. Sometimes I still do. As much as I like the idea, I don't want to be her reason. Let's face it, I'm a damn poor choice when you step back and look at things. What concerns me is that I think she's beginning to realize this, as her assurances are more and more hesitant. Yet, despite that knowledge, I covet her presence. She keeps me sane and balanced. She keeps me human. I try not to think about what I'd be like if she weren't here with me.
Have I confided any of this to her? No, not really. Despite my best efforts, talking about my feelings is still foreign. I have periods where I'm pretty good about it, but then I feel too raw, too exposed and vulnerable. So, up go the walls again, putting distance between me and the only person in this universe who gives a damn about me. I know it hurts her, and to be honest, it hurts me too.
So why do I do this? Why do I lash out like I do and try to destroy what we've worked so hard for? Why is it that every time I start to feel content, I backslide and push it all away?
Simple, my mind whispers, because you're scared.
The truth in that realization hurts and I squeeze my aching eyes shut. I'm scared. That's why I push her away when she gets too close. That's why I get frustrated at small things and raise my voice in anger instead of trying to understand and reassure. For instance, tonight's argument shouldn't have happened, but I pushed the issue. Noin had hurt her hand during her shift. It wasn't a bad injury, just a cut across her palm due to a lapse in concentration while assembling irrigation equipment. Anyone else would have shown concern for their lover, asking if it hurt and if there was anything they could do to make her feel better. I'm not that smart. Instead of concerned, I was angry. Instead of giving reassurances, I reprimanded her for being careless, and the argument escalated from there.
To be honest, I wasn't actually angry at her for getting hurt, I was angry at myself for putting her in that situation. She'd been hurt enough in the past because of me. And now, in this haze of exhaustion, I can also say that I was scared…scared that she would get frustrated with the injuries, and therefore with the work, and thus, the lifestyle. I'm scared that someday she'll get angry enough to realize that she made a mistake following me to Mars, that she made a mistake in choosing me. The thought of her leaving terrifies me.
Perhaps that's why I push, why I drive her to the edge before pulling back. In my sick and twisted way of reasoning, when she decides to leave (and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm certain that with each passing argument it's 'when' not 'if') it will be easier if the distance is already there.
And yet, the mere thought of her leaving sends a cold shiver down my spine. I need her. I don't think I can live without her. I'm sure I'd continue to live in that I would breathe and eat and work, but that's not a life. I've done that, and I don't care to go through it again. Maybe that's why whenever we reach that crucial edge, and goodbye is just a breath away, I recant. I apologize, pull her close, try (and fail) to explain why I act the way I do, and tell her I love her.
It's the only time I tell her I love her.
That realization hits me like a swift kick to the gut, and for the first time in a long while, I feel ashamed. With the exception of the first time I told her, I can't remember a single time I said 'I love you' without a fight and an apology preceding it. And yet, despite this fact, which I'm sure she realized long before my late night (early morning?) epiphany, after every apology, Noin would tell me everything was okay, she understood, and that she wasn't going anywhere. Then things would go back to normal and we'd live comfortably in our routine until the next incident, and then the cycle would start again.
It's not like I want it this way. I hate fighting with Noin. I hate it when I see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes. And I hate this damned couch.
I want this to stop. I want this cycle to end. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to talk to Noin and tell her my doubts…my fears.
Facing an army of mobile dolls naked and blindfolded would be easier.
Sighing again, I punch the couch, regretting my decision when my fist connects with the sharp corner of a board beneath the gray fabric. Hand now throbbing, I gather what's left of my strength and resolve and stand, walking towards the door to the bedroom, knowing what I have to do. For better or worse, this is something that will be resolved tonight.
Slipping into the room, I quietly make my way to Noin's side of the bed and gaze down at her sleeping face. My determination falters in that moment, knowing that she's just as exhausted as me, and I feel guilty for thinking of disturbing her sleep. Maybe I don't need to wake her. Maybe I can do this while she sleeps and get it all out. The first time is always the hardest, and, I rationalize, if I manage to say it once while she's sleeping it will be easier to do a second time when she's awake. Kneeling down, I gently brush her bangs aside…and see the tear stains on her cheeks.
Damn.
In all of our years together, Noin never broke down in front of me. I never really knew why. I guess she figured I had enough guilt and baggage as it was that her tears didn't need to be added to the list. Noin's a strong person, she doesn't like to show weakness, never has. That makes two of us. But isn't part of loving someone showing your weaknesses? Your faults, fears, and vulnerabilities? Yeah, sure. We've done a wonderful job of that so far. Perhaps now's the time to change all that.
"Zechs?" a sleepy voice asks.
Lifting my tired blue eyes, I find myself looking into equally tired violet ones.
"Noin," I murmur, caught off-guard and suddenly reluctant to speak.
"What time is it?" she asks through a yawn.
"Late. I was…thinking," I answer lamely.
"About?" she prods, propping herself up on an elbow.
Now or never, I think, taking a deep breath. "I was thinking about our argument."
Nodding, she waits for me to continue, her eyes alert and attentive.
"I just wanted to say…" I'm scared. I need you. I love you. "That I'm…" A fool. That I'll try harder. I'll fix this. I'll fix us. I'll die without you. All my earlier thought ran through my head like a frenzied stampede, and I tried desperately to corral them into a coherent train of thought. "I'm…"
"Yes?" she prompted, seeing me struggle for words.
"I'm sorry." Fuck!
Noin blinked, seeming to expect me to say more, which I desperately wanted to, but, as was our pattern, I don't. I opened my mouth in a frantic attempt to continue, but no sound emerged, the words stuck in my throat like thorns. One step forward, two steps back.
Finally, she lies back down and says, "It's okay. Let's just get some sleep."
Nodding, I walk to the other side of the bed and slide between the covers. The soft mattress feels good, and exhaustion washes over me in a soft, slow wave. I want to sleep, but the nagging voice in the back of my head prompts me to finish what I started. Rolling to my side, I put a hand on Noin's toned, yet soft shoulder, and whisper in her ear.
"I'm sorry, Noin. I'm sorry for acting the way I do." I pause, hoping for a response, but instead, all I hear is her soft, even breathing. Despite my earlier reasoning that talking to her while she was asleep would be easier, I feel defeated. Sinking into the pillow, I mumble, "I wish I could tell you why."
Maybe some sleep will help my resolve. Maybe the light of day will make things clearer and I can break this cycle of non-resolution. Maybe…I can fix this.
While my last conscious thought is optimistic as I drift into the sweet void of sleep, a deeper, darker part of my mind breaks through and tells me that I'm a coward; that this cycle will continue until one of us breaks.
To be continued…
A/N: While not the masterpiece I had hoped for, this turned out better than I thought, especially when I switched it to first person. Please let me know what you think, and yes, this cycle will have a happy ending…eventually (evil grin).