I woke up panting and sweating. I had a dream. More like nightmare. About what, I do not know. I never know. I can never remember them. I glance at my clock. It read twelve o'clock in the morning.
I sighed. I'd ask myself why this happens to me but I already know. I know because it had happened many times before. I know because this has been happening since I was a kid. The reason why I had nightmares when I was a kid was because of a woman.
My mother.
A kid should never know what death is. Not until they've grown old enough. Old enough to understand. Old enough to grieve properly. But in this world, that does not happen. Some kids are lucky enough so it doesn't happen at such a young age. And sadly enough some don't. I was not. The nightmares, that lasted for a few years. It did not stop, no. God no. if only I were lucky enough for that. No, it just digressed to a few times a month. Then slowly it digressed to once a month then to a stop.
Now however. The reason is another woman, a girl, a teenager. Bella. Just thinking about her makes my heart to beat fast. To hurt.
Knowing that if I sleep again. I'll have another nightmare. No, I'll just walk to First Beach.
The night is cold, wet and quiet. Just the way I like it. Not that I could feel the cold but seeing as this is La Push. It's always cold and wet. I don't want to phase and listen to who's ever on patrol. No, that would defeat the purpose of wanting to be alone.
As I reach First Beach the sky clear up. Letting the stars and moon fill the night sky. It's nice. So I sit own on the cool sand and just breathe in and out. In and out. In and out. After a while I hears some one walking towards the beach. I don't care. No one messes with me.
Then the wind blows in and I catch the scent of the person walking towards the beach. Leah. I groan at this hoping she doesn't sit near me. But knowing Leah and how she loves to annoy me. She'll probably do it.
Surprise surprise. She does. So I wait for her to say something annoying. I wait and I wait and I wait. She doesn't. Now that is surprising. I turn my head to look at her.
She's sitting down laying on hear forearms gazing at the stars. I took a good look at Leah. I know she's a bitch but she's also very beautiful. And if it weren't for being a bitch she would no doubt have been a fiend right now. Probably. Since I've known her, she's always been beautiful, strong and smart. If it weren't for hating everybody, we'd be friends.
Seeing as we grew up together and being the elders kids and all, we had a lot of time playing as kids. Though she always did say I was annoying as a kid but only played with me cause my sisters played with Barbie's.
I snapped out at my thoughts as she turned to me, looking indifferent. We stared at each others eyes for a long time. Then we both turned our heads to look at the sky. Her thinking about some thing, me thinking about her eyes. For some I broke the silence with a poem I had written in school.
"Eyes." I said.
"They never lie. Whether they are black, blue, brown, green or gray. They will always tell the truth."
"What are you babbling about idiot?" She said.
"Eyes. Specifically your eyes." I tell her softly.
"What your eyes say when you look at Sam and Emily." I continued not giving her time to respond. "I see disgust and hate."
"That's what I see in your eyes when he looks at her. When he hugs her. When he kisses her. Her forehead. Her eyes. Her lips. Her scars." She growls as I speak. "I also see want and need in your eyes when he does that. I see the wanting ness of those intimate actions. The intimate actions that you want him to do to you not her. The need of his love for you not her."
"Love. Love for him." I say.
"I don't just see this. Leah." I continue more urgently now.
"I felt what you feel. I still do, remember Bella. And your Sam."
She snorts and says sarcastically, "Sure you do. Keep talking asshole and I'll make your life as worse as mine."
"We can argue about who has it worse but the fact of the matter is that they will never be ours. They broke us. I'm not a pessimist. I tell the cold, hard truth. I'm realistic. I know me and you don't exactly see eye to eye at many things. But no one else understands how I feel but you. Not Quil. Not Embry, no one but you. And vice versa." I say softly. "I have nothing to live for but what is left of my family and protecting the rez. And I know the same goes for you, so don't try to deny it. So I'm gonna ask you for something that might help heal us both. I'm gonna ask for a shoulder to lean on. I'm not saying lets be nice to each other or being friends. I'm just asking for someone to stand beside me when I need help. I don't want an answer right now. No, I want you to think about it."
I stand up and look down at her one last time. Then walk away towards my house.