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A/N+: episode tag 3.14 – Damaged – references to my fic "Honey"
Hotch couldn't understand why after all the time in the car Reid still wanted to spend time with him. It occurred that to him that the young man might be seeking his company because he simply didn't want to go home alone. Most likely the stress of the day's events would settle on him once he had a chance to process it outside of the office. The older man felt a weight on his chest as he briefly contemplated Reid's drug use. Yes, it was definitely better if the young man stayed with him if there was any stressor that might cause him to want to escape. Whether Reid was doing it unconsciously or not Hotch was relieved that he was making an effort to stay clean. It also made him strangely happy that the young profiler wanted his company.
However, despite all these thoughts it never occurred to him that Reid might have decided to spend some time with him for his comfort. Reid knew he had signed the papers before they had left the office for the day. Spencer wondered if Hotch had just told him about the divorce papers because he need to tell someone and Reid just happened to be there or if the unit chief was finally becoming comfortable enough with him after all the time they spent together to finally share deeply personal things with him. If it was the latter reason then Spencer was in serious trouble. He didn't know how he could handle his feelings if he became more personally attached to the older man as it was.
Sitting on his superior's couch he had an epiphany, and he felt sort of silly for not seeing it before hand. "Some profiler I am, but then again, we aren't supposed to profile one another." Spencer leaned forward on the couch and said quietly, "You were spoiling for a fight." Hotch froze where he was putting his papers away on the table. He turned to look at Reid and the young man was surprised to see the play of emotion in his normally stoic expression. "But it just came to me, you were angry from the moment JJ called this morning." The young agent tilted his head and regarded the older man for a moment. Hotch had moved from his place at the table and now he stood by the couch looking down at Reid. The young doctor studied him intently, fascinated by the normally unseen amount of emotions that passed across his face. Anger that Reid would insinuate he had been anything less than professional. Shock, in the next moment, as he realised the young agent was right, he had been angry, aggressive and confrontational. Self loathing at the fact he had crossed a line, he had let his personal life cross into his work and Reid had suffered for it. As if the kid didn't have enough things to worry about without his superior putting him into dangerous situations.
Reid instantly saw the train of though and reassured him. "I'm not blaming you for anything. Hardwick had planned for it. If it had been Rossi or Morgan or even Prentiss, his intent was the same." He sighed heavily, "After what you told me in the car, I wonder if it would have been better if I had let you go at it."
"Reid! Why would you even think that? If Hardwick managed to kill me you would have been next."
Reid spoke the next words almost reluctantly, weighing each one as they came out. "You were angry ... and you had no outlet for that anger."
Hotch read between the lines, read Reid's behaviour and concluded that the young man wasn't trying to imply something. If anything he was trying to help Aaron in some convoluted sort of way. He had been angry; angry at Haley for forcing the issue and that he couldn't do anything about it. The older man sighed, "Reid, putting aside the fact that that you think I may need to physically work off some of my stress, there is no acceptable situation for me to ever put you in harm's way if it is unnecessary."
The senior agent had placed his hands on Reid's shoulders and gently gave him a squeeze as he said this. Spencer shivered at the contact, briefly closing his eyes to hide the amount of emotion that was surely reflected in his eyes. He tried to push back the innuendo his mind had translated from Hotch's words 'physically work off some of his stress.' Spencer's overactive imagination supplied an innumerate amount of lewd scenarios where he helped the older man work it off. This was bad. Ever since he had kissed his superior it was becoming harder and harder to for him to repress the growing want inside of him. He needed to comfort this miserable man in front of him, yearned to return all the patience and kindness that he had shown him while he was struggling.
"I understand, but I can't help the way I feel." He said vaguely, not sure if he was agreeing with Hotch's earlier statement or trying to validate the feelings inside of him. Hotch frowned at him and for a moment Reid wondered if it was because the older man had caught a flicker of his emotions or if he simply disagreed with the sentiment. "I should have been there for you that night. You're always there for me. I should have pushed a bit harder."
The older man sighed. He knew exactly what Reid was referring to, the night they had came back from Fredericksburg and he had been served papers. The team had just been about to leave to go out for drinks when it happened. He had walked away from them afterwards, an unspoken sign that his plans to go with them had abruptly changed. He had seen Spencer's face as he turned away. The young man had been stunned, and moments later he had caught up to him in the hall.
"Hotch ... is there anything I can do?" The young agent wrung his hands nervously.
The older man could tell Reid felt like he was overstepping his bounds. If they hadn't spent so much time with each other lately Aaron might have been annoyed with the offer. Instead, his heart felt heavy as he shook his head, "It's okay Reid. I'll be okay. Go out with them for once. I have to take care of this."
The crestfallen look on the young profiler's face was almost enough to make him change his mind but he just shook his head as Reid opened his mouth to protest. He watched as the young man turned and walked away, briefly looking over his shoulder at the senior agent once more to make sure it was alright.
"Spencer, there was nothing you could have done for me that night. I needed time by myself to think. I appreciate that you wanted to be there for me but you don't owe me anything. I was there for you because you wanted my help."
Spencer blushed at the use of his first name. Hotch only used it when they were alone and he needed to make a point. He smiled ruefully, "I know that Hotch. It's just ... I feel like I'm in the way. I care for you ..." he hoped the older man didn't notice how quickly he spoke just then, "and as a friend, I want to be there to ease your load not add to your troubles. Maybe if you spent less time with me or worrying about me you could be at home. Happy. Maybe be able to spend more time with Jack."
Reid knew it was a low blow using the man's son as an excuse and he internally cursed himself for trying to push the man away. However, it was how he felt. These fruitless feelings he was developing for the older man had to be nipped in the bud. He was clean, he could stay clean with a little willpower. But having Hotch around was another type of drug that he was afraid of getting addicted to. The man was strong, attractive, kind, and supportive and Reid didn't know if it was hero worship, the need for a father figure or something more. And that was what was scaring him, the something more. The need for the man's presence sometimes terrified him with its intensity. He had never felt these sort of feelings for Gideon.
It was uncanny how well the older man could read him. It wasn't a profiler's instinct it was just him. "None of this is your fault. This started long before that night you called me." Hotch finally sat next to him on the couch. Spencer had to stifle a squeak when their thighs brushed together briefly as he settled down onto the cushion next to him. The younger man vowed to himself that this was best, he could channel all his excess feelings into making this thing a comfortable camaraderie. Hotch looked at him inquiringly and Spencer just smiled back. the older man handed him a case file and they and settled in for a quiet evening together.