I'm back! So this is Xander, one of my favorite characters...I'm ordering one for sure!
Xander: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual
Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated XANDER unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your heartfelt funny man, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Basic Information:
Name: Alexander LaVelle Harris
Date Of Manufacture: 1981
Place Of Manufacture: Hellmouth Creations Sunnydale Division
Height: 5'11"
Weight: Unknown
Your XANDER unit will come with the following accessories:
Four t-shirts
Three pairs of jeans
A hard-hat
A flattened nickel
Steel Toed boots
When you first open your XANDER unit, he may be very scruffy-looking. This is perfectly normal, and sending him to 'tidy up' won't help.
Programming:
Your XANDER unit is funny, determined, and a damn good friend, and can carry out the following functions:
Comic: Lost your funny bone? XANDER can help you find it again. He comes fully equipped with over several thousand funny lines. He'll say them under any conditions, including during an Apocalypse.
Carpenter: Pesky Uber-Vamps destroy your house? XANDER can re build it. You'll have to pay him in Twinkies or something, though.
Shoulder to Cry On: Well, if you're a hot girl, it may work a little better, but XANDER is definitely willing to listen to your problems. He's got a lot of real world experience.
Meals On Wheels: Need some study donuts? Want a pizza? As long as you're sharing, XANDER seems perfectly happy to pick it up for you.
Your XANDER unit comes with six different modes:
Friendly
Nervous
Sad
Angry
Love/Attraction
Hero
The Friendly mode is default, but do remember- XANDER is a people, too. He'd like to be treated with respect. Otherwise, you could put him into angry mode.
Nervous mode is activated when the XANDER unit is around someone he's crushing on, or when he's doubtful about saving the world. Sweat is possible, and his jokes will be inappropriately timed, and possibly un-funny.
The sad mode is activated when the XANDER unit has done something wrong, has been wronged or ignored. Just talk to him, and let him know he's totally appreciated and stuff.
Angry mode is pretty rare, unless you're a friend-hurting type of person. He's not dangerous, per se, but don't make him angry.
The love/attraction mode is activated when the XANDER unit is around units such as BUFFY, CORDELIA, WILLOW, and ANYA. It can also be activated around random female strangers, or Inca Mummies. It'll blow over, sooner or later, just…don't let him near the love spell supplies.
Hero mode is the one where when your WILLLOW is really angry, XANDER will step up to save the day. It's not as rare as you think, though. XANDER is also a hero of carpentry.
Relations with other units:
BUFFY SUMMERS: This unit is XANDER'S best friend. There may be a bit of attraction, but it will dissolve, and they can be best friends again.
WILLOW ROSENBERG: This unit is a bestest friend, which is to say, closer than BUFFY. There may be, again, some attraction, but as long as you keep them out of formal wear, it's pretty much all good, all the time.
CORDELIA CHASE: These units dated a while, but spent most of their time in the janitor's closet. Watch out, though. Cordy will break your unit's heart, and then YOU might feel a bit of an attraction towards him…just saying…
RUPERT GILES: This unit is 'friends' with yours, so we cannot foresee any problems in relations.
OZ (DANIEL OSBOURNE): The units get along, even though your XANDER may wonder how OZ keeps his trademark calmness at all times.
ANGEL: These two units don't interact very often, but when they do, you may want to keep a close eye on them. XANDER has a particular dislike towards ANGEL.
ANYA JENKINS: These units were dating, then engaged. Then your unit (being a jerk) left the ANYA unit at the alter. And then they had sex again anyways. It's all good.
RILEY FINN: These units don't spend too much quality time together, so disputes are minimal.
DAWN SUMMERS: XANDER and DAWN get along, like siblings, except for when DAWN's crushing on XANDER. That'd be bad for siblings.
SPIKE: Let's say they don't see eye to eye. Try to keep them separate from each other.
POTENTIAL SLAYES set: Well, the whole 'having lots of girls around' thing isn't bad, but remember: everyone needs space.
Cleaning: The XANDER unit is fully capable of cleaning himself. You might want to make sure he's not leaving behind a mess in the morning, though.
Energy: The XANDER unit is especially fond of candy and chocolate, but will appreciate two or three square meals a day.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My XANDER unit has been acting really weird around my CORDELIA unit. He won't tell me what's going on, and he spazzed when I asked him to wear a tuxedo to my grandpa's funeral.
A: You unit kissed WILLOW and blamed it on a formal wear fluke. He'll be back to normal after CORDELIA breaks up with him.
Q: My unit is lying about the house being all annoying about having Syphilis. I don't think that's possible, but my doctor says it's true. Can you send me a cheque reimbursing my medical fees?
A: Yes, just send us your personal information and your unit code (found in the bottom of all shoes), and we can deposit up to $500 into your bank account.
Q: OMG XANDER IS SO HOTT WHERE CAN I GET ANOTHER UNIT SO I CAN HAVE DOUBLE THE FUN AND SHARE HIM WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS!
A: Your unit didn't happen to break up with CORDELIA this Valentine's day? We aren't authorized to send two of the same units to one household, as it'd cause mass confusion, however, if your friend wants one, give her our website information. I'm sure we'll be making a fortune off XANDER units for the next day or so anyways.
Q: XANDER'S acting all cool, and I swear he was drinking my ANGEL unit's blood. What's up with that?
A: you're lucky he hasn't eaten YOU. Find an ANYANKA unit and smash its necklace. Otherwise, stake him. We can refund, but only if you have proof he was dusted.
Q: It's Christmas Eve, and XANDER won't come inside after he saw my mom open the wine. Can I force him back in?
A: No, it's a time honoured tradition. He'll sleep outside to avoid his drunken family. Make sure he has a sleeping bag, some eggnog, and that it isn't dropping below freezing in the night. He'll be okay.
Q: My unit is, among other things, laughing real weird-like and eating raw bacon from my refrigerator. Why?
A: Well, he's been possessed by a hyena. You'll have to tranquilize him and reset him. Sorry.
Q: XANDER'S talking like he just had another military movie marathon, but he won't stop…is he broken?
A: No, he wore a cursed Halloween costume. He'll go back to normal eventually, or you can reset him.
Q: My unit came home from visiting a a BUFFY unit, and he's missing his left eye! What happened!
A: Caleb poked it out. He'll be okay, as long as he's been to a hospital to see some professionals.
Warranty: With proper care, the XANDER unit should live until the end of its days, or until he sustains a work related injury and falls off a roof in pain. Which is more likely to happen than you think. *plays commercial* One in ten Californians will die from workplace injuries this year…
And the "see" joke at the end puts all my puns to shame.