Title: Musings at Midnight
Author: Seren
Disclaimer: After months of extensive therapy, I can now proudly admit that I do not own any aspect of Gundam Wing. I'm just gonna borrow the characters, and I promise to return them in… well, somewhat adequate condition. There is no infringement intended
Warnings: Not much, barely any shounen-ai, slightly depressing, a touch of language (well, it's Duo, what do you expect?), angst, and sap. Oh, and lots and lots of cliches.
Note: This fic is for the friend who got me obsessed with GW in the first place. This is all her fault!! ^___^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/Smiles
A pair of hazel eyes half obscured by dirty blond bangs. (1)
A friendly hand reaching down to ruffle a mop of shaggy, sun-kissed chestnut hair.
"Name's Solo, kid. I call myself that cuz I don't need no one. Just me against the world, ya know?"
/Smiles
Soft, feminine hands gently run themselves through unruly chestnut hair, weaving the chaotic mess into a somewhat presentable braid.
"I don't think you smell dirty at all."
A weathered face, the kind blue eyes so high up atop a massive robe of black wool. (2)
"You don't believe in God but you believe in death?"
"Sure, cuz I've never seen a miracle but I've seen lots and lots of dead people!"
/Blood
A desperate, sobbing plea.
A half-hearted quirk of the lips, a cruel mockery of the mischievous grin that used to reside there.
"Boys don't cry." (3)
/Blood
The unmistakable stench of death.
A gentle hand trembling along its path to caress a tear-stained cheek.
"May God…bless you and…keep you."
/Smiles
/Gentle hands
/Blood
/A final rattling breath
/Blood
/A glowing green scythe, cutting a deadly arc as its owner laughed maniacally
/Screaming
/Blood
/So much blood…
Duo Maxwell shot up with a gasp, panting for breath, violet eyes wide with fear and pain. He was covered in sweat, his long braid matted in it, the bed-sheets soaked. Untangling the golden crucifix that threatened to strangle him, he held it tightly against his bare chest, as if trying to draw strength from the shining emblem of God. He sucked in air to catch his breath and slow down his racing pulse. The window was open. Shivering from the chill caused by the sweating, he curled into a fetal position, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes tightly to stop the prickling of tears behind his eyelids. He wouldn't cry. Boys don't cry. Finally getting a hold of himself, he looked over toward the still figure on the opposite bed. No movement. He didn't wake him up. He sighed with relief. Good. The violet-eyed boy reached up to the offending window beside his bed and closed it with a soft click. The moon was especially bright tonight, and the tormented dreamer was more than willing to bask in her silvery glow.
The baka was dreaming again. Heero Yuy could tell; being a trained terrorist who very rarely slept. Even when he did sleep, he was always alert, always watching, his partner being the object of most of his observation. He had been awake since the thrashing on the other bed had started, silently watching as the victim shook himself out of the nightmare, gasping and shaking. Through half-closed eyes, their Prussian blue irises hidden by dark lashes, he contemplated the double-sided puzzle that was his partner: the fool and death wrapped in one attractive package, Duo Maxwell. It didn't seem likely that this happy-go-lucky boy with the ridiculously long braid could be the pilot of the Gundam 02, the silent God of Death that reaped souls like a farmer reaped wheat. But Duo's nightmares contradicted his doubts, nightmares that made Heero wonder just how little of the Duo Maxwell that he and the other pilots knew was real… Besides, how many times would he ever get to see a silent Duo Maxwell?
Heero watched as Duo sat on the bed, mesmerized, as the moon's luminescence poured into the room, flickers of light catching in the golden highlights of Duo's hair, making the silk strands seem to glow. In fact, the long-haired boy seemed to be absorbing the cool rays, the perfect milk of his exposed skin glowing as if lit by an internal flame. Duo looked angelic, almost holy, an image perfected by the pensive look on his face that was not unlike those of the stone angels that adorned the church doorways. A familiar feeling of longing, one that seemed to occur only when Duo was around, arose inside him. He sighed.
"Neh, Heero? You still awake?"
Oh, shit. Duo had heard him. Damn! "Of course I'm still awake, baka, who wouldn't be with you around?" he snapped, instantly regretting his words as the other side fell silent.
A subdued whisper. "Suminasen, sorry."
Heero sighed. "Just go to sleep."
Silence.
"Heero."
An impatient sigh. "What is it now?"
"What are we fighting for?" Duo asked.
Prussian blue eyes widened slightly in confusion. "What?"
Duo turned to look at him. "What are we fighting for?" he repeated. "And don't tell me we're fighting for peace. Everyone knows that peace is only temporary, so why should we fight so hard for something that we know we will lose soon?"
Heero glared coldly at him, eyes perfectly blank. "Such questions are useless. We must follow orders. That is our sole task."
Heero jumped slightly as Duo's cynical laugh filled the room, a painfully hollow sound. "I thought you'd say that," he replied. "I used to envy you, you know. The way you seemed to be untouched by guilt, the way you never seemed to have any doubts about your destiny. But I know better now." He tilted his head to one side, looking at Heero as if he amused him somehow. "You mindlessly follow orders because you don't know any better. You don't know why you keep fighting, you never did. You're lost, Heero, as lost as I am, as we all are." He grinned, the grin never reaching his eyes. "You're just too much of a stubborn hard-ass to care."
/Niisan, are you lost? (4)
An unwanted vision of a little girl's smiling face filled his mind, her cheerful voice haunting him. The words were so familiar it hurt. "I fight because it's my duty."
"Bullshit, Yuy!" the angry force in Duo's normally cheerful voice caused the Japanese soldier's eyes to widen in shock as angry violet eyes met stunned blue.
"Always the Perfect Soldier aren't you?" Duo sneered derisively. He knew he was acting out of 'character,' but he didn't care. He had no more strength for masks tonight. "The perfect paradox: he who fights for peace and yet lives for battle. What do you fight for, Yuy? What is there in this whole fucked-up world that makes you keep going? What do you say to convince yourself that it's worth all your nightmares to fight?"
Heero's mouth opened, then closed. He grimaced, knowing how foolish he must look.
The mocking stopped and Duo looked away, but not before Heero could see his beautiful eyes fill with anguish. "I blew up a base yesterday," he began, eyes glazed over in a trance. "My mission was to eliminate an OZ training camp. Simple." He paused. "I, I thought it would have been abandoned by the time I got there. I didn't know it was the orientation day, and they were having a welcome party or something." Another pause. " I had to finish the mission," he spat out bitterly. "Shinigami doesn't make mistakes." He buried his face in his hands, as if trying to hide from the world. "They were so scared. They screamed when I cut them down, some of them crying. And then there was the blood…there was so much blood…just like…just like…" He cleared his head with a visible shake, swallowing hard. "I killed everyone. It was a massacre. They were people, Heero. Not soldiers, people. Someone's son, someone's father, someone's love." He locked gazes with the soundless pilot once more, a haunted, agonized expression on his face. "I can't lie, I can't tell myself that I did the right thing, because I know I didn't." Head back, he raised his face to the heavens, as if beseeching God for an answer. "So tell me, Heero Yuy, what am I fighting for?"
The soldier inside Heero was telling him to ignore the idiot's ramblings, but the agony that laced his words and the sheer hopelessness in his face struck Heero hard. Before his mind could register what he was doing and probably try to stop him, he had gotten out of bed, walked across the room, and planted both hands on Duo's shoulders, forcing the American to look at him.
"Then why are you still here?" he demanded, ignoring the way Duo's eyes widened to saucers. "Because you don't want anyone else to have to go through what you went through. If you kill then others will not. If you die," he swallowed, then continued, "if you die, then others will not. Fight for those you care about, and for those who care about you. Fight so that they won't have to." He loosened slightly the death-grip he had on Duo's shoulders. "Damn yourself so that others can have peace, even for a little while. It's all that we can do."
Duo blinked a few times, looking away. When he dragged his eyes back up at Heero's face, there was a sense of gentle calmness in their violet-blue depths. A hesitant smile, one that was more beautiful than any of his maniac grins, lit up his face. This time, the smile did reach his eyes. "I understand now, Heero. Arigato," he murmured gently.
The pilot stood up. "Hn, now go back to sleep." He gave his customary glare, but it was softened by an uncharacteristically gentle glimmer in his eyes. The boy returned to his bed without another word.
Duo chuckled and lay down, traces of the smile still lingering on his face. He waited for Heero's breathing to become rhythmic and even before whispering, "Then I will fight for you. Oyasuminasai, Heero." With that, he closed his eyes and was out like a light.
Duo never heard the other body arise from the bed and silently make its way over to where he slept. He never felt the callused hand that awkwardly but fondly brushed his hair from his face, nor did he see its owner's lips turning upwards in a somewhat rusty smile.
"Good night, Duo, and I will fight for you."
/Somewhere, not as far away as one would have thought, a young pilot gazed fondly at the scene before him. A familiar heart-shaped face looking up into kind blue eyes, while a pair of gentle hands once again wove a long braid out of unruly chestnut hair. He called to a figure nearby, and received a wicked answering grin in response. Violet eyes shone with the peaceful glow of happiness, and he smiled.
~*Owari*~
Notes:
(1) I took some liberties in Solo's description
(2) I dunno, it just seemed right for Father Maxwell to have blue eyes
(3) Liberties, once again, but someone had to have given Duo his infamous "Boys don't cry" line, right?
(4) Little girl with the dog from EW that Heero accidentally killed.
So, how was it? Did it suck too badly? Feeeeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaack!!!!!
Author: Seren
Disclaimer: After months of extensive therapy, I can now proudly admit that I do not own any aspect of Gundam Wing. I'm just gonna borrow the characters, and I promise to return them in… well, somewhat adequate condition. There is no infringement intended
Warnings: Not much, barely any shounen-ai, slightly depressing, a touch of language (well, it's Duo, what do you expect?), angst, and sap. Oh, and lots and lots of cliches.
Note: This fic is for the friend who got me obsessed with GW in the first place. This is all her fault!! ^___^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/Smiles
A pair of hazel eyes half obscured by dirty blond bangs. (1)
A friendly hand reaching down to ruffle a mop of shaggy, sun-kissed chestnut hair.
"Name's Solo, kid. I call myself that cuz I don't need no one. Just me against the world, ya know?"
/Smiles
Soft, feminine hands gently run themselves through unruly chestnut hair, weaving the chaotic mess into a somewhat presentable braid.
"I don't think you smell dirty at all."
A weathered face, the kind blue eyes so high up atop a massive robe of black wool. (2)
"You don't believe in God but you believe in death?"
"Sure, cuz I've never seen a miracle but I've seen lots and lots of dead people!"
/Blood
A desperate, sobbing plea.
A half-hearted quirk of the lips, a cruel mockery of the mischievous grin that used to reside there.
"Boys don't cry." (3)
/Blood
The unmistakable stench of death.
A gentle hand trembling along its path to caress a tear-stained cheek.
"May God…bless you and…keep you."
/Smiles
/Gentle hands
/Blood
/A final rattling breath
/Blood
/A glowing green scythe, cutting a deadly arc as its owner laughed maniacally
/Screaming
/Blood
/So much blood…
Duo Maxwell shot up with a gasp, panting for breath, violet eyes wide with fear and pain. He was covered in sweat, his long braid matted in it, the bed-sheets soaked. Untangling the golden crucifix that threatened to strangle him, he held it tightly against his bare chest, as if trying to draw strength from the shining emblem of God. He sucked in air to catch his breath and slow down his racing pulse. The window was open. Shivering from the chill caused by the sweating, he curled into a fetal position, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes tightly to stop the prickling of tears behind his eyelids. He wouldn't cry. Boys don't cry. Finally getting a hold of himself, he looked over toward the still figure on the opposite bed. No movement. He didn't wake him up. He sighed with relief. Good. The violet-eyed boy reached up to the offending window beside his bed and closed it with a soft click. The moon was especially bright tonight, and the tormented dreamer was more than willing to bask in her silvery glow.
The baka was dreaming again. Heero Yuy could tell; being a trained terrorist who very rarely slept. Even when he did sleep, he was always alert, always watching, his partner being the object of most of his observation. He had been awake since the thrashing on the other bed had started, silently watching as the victim shook himself out of the nightmare, gasping and shaking. Through half-closed eyes, their Prussian blue irises hidden by dark lashes, he contemplated the double-sided puzzle that was his partner: the fool and death wrapped in one attractive package, Duo Maxwell. It didn't seem likely that this happy-go-lucky boy with the ridiculously long braid could be the pilot of the Gundam 02, the silent God of Death that reaped souls like a farmer reaped wheat. But Duo's nightmares contradicted his doubts, nightmares that made Heero wonder just how little of the Duo Maxwell that he and the other pilots knew was real… Besides, how many times would he ever get to see a silent Duo Maxwell?
Heero watched as Duo sat on the bed, mesmerized, as the moon's luminescence poured into the room, flickers of light catching in the golden highlights of Duo's hair, making the silk strands seem to glow. In fact, the long-haired boy seemed to be absorbing the cool rays, the perfect milk of his exposed skin glowing as if lit by an internal flame. Duo looked angelic, almost holy, an image perfected by the pensive look on his face that was not unlike those of the stone angels that adorned the church doorways. A familiar feeling of longing, one that seemed to occur only when Duo was around, arose inside him. He sighed.
"Neh, Heero? You still awake?"
Oh, shit. Duo had heard him. Damn! "Of course I'm still awake, baka, who wouldn't be with you around?" he snapped, instantly regretting his words as the other side fell silent.
A subdued whisper. "Suminasen, sorry."
Heero sighed. "Just go to sleep."
Silence.
"Heero."
An impatient sigh. "What is it now?"
"What are we fighting for?" Duo asked.
Prussian blue eyes widened slightly in confusion. "What?"
Duo turned to look at him. "What are we fighting for?" he repeated. "And don't tell me we're fighting for peace. Everyone knows that peace is only temporary, so why should we fight so hard for something that we know we will lose soon?"
Heero glared coldly at him, eyes perfectly blank. "Such questions are useless. We must follow orders. That is our sole task."
Heero jumped slightly as Duo's cynical laugh filled the room, a painfully hollow sound. "I thought you'd say that," he replied. "I used to envy you, you know. The way you seemed to be untouched by guilt, the way you never seemed to have any doubts about your destiny. But I know better now." He tilted his head to one side, looking at Heero as if he amused him somehow. "You mindlessly follow orders because you don't know any better. You don't know why you keep fighting, you never did. You're lost, Heero, as lost as I am, as we all are." He grinned, the grin never reaching his eyes. "You're just too much of a stubborn hard-ass to care."
/Niisan, are you lost? (4)
An unwanted vision of a little girl's smiling face filled his mind, her cheerful voice haunting him. The words were so familiar it hurt. "I fight because it's my duty."
"Bullshit, Yuy!" the angry force in Duo's normally cheerful voice caused the Japanese soldier's eyes to widen in shock as angry violet eyes met stunned blue.
"Always the Perfect Soldier aren't you?" Duo sneered derisively. He knew he was acting out of 'character,' but he didn't care. He had no more strength for masks tonight. "The perfect paradox: he who fights for peace and yet lives for battle. What do you fight for, Yuy? What is there in this whole fucked-up world that makes you keep going? What do you say to convince yourself that it's worth all your nightmares to fight?"
Heero's mouth opened, then closed. He grimaced, knowing how foolish he must look.
The mocking stopped and Duo looked away, but not before Heero could see his beautiful eyes fill with anguish. "I blew up a base yesterday," he began, eyes glazed over in a trance. "My mission was to eliminate an OZ training camp. Simple." He paused. "I, I thought it would have been abandoned by the time I got there. I didn't know it was the orientation day, and they were having a welcome party or something." Another pause. " I had to finish the mission," he spat out bitterly. "Shinigami doesn't make mistakes." He buried his face in his hands, as if trying to hide from the world. "They were so scared. They screamed when I cut them down, some of them crying. And then there was the blood…there was so much blood…just like…just like…" He cleared his head with a visible shake, swallowing hard. "I killed everyone. It was a massacre. They were people, Heero. Not soldiers, people. Someone's son, someone's father, someone's love." He locked gazes with the soundless pilot once more, a haunted, agonized expression on his face. "I can't lie, I can't tell myself that I did the right thing, because I know I didn't." Head back, he raised his face to the heavens, as if beseeching God for an answer. "So tell me, Heero Yuy, what am I fighting for?"
The soldier inside Heero was telling him to ignore the idiot's ramblings, but the agony that laced his words and the sheer hopelessness in his face struck Heero hard. Before his mind could register what he was doing and probably try to stop him, he had gotten out of bed, walked across the room, and planted both hands on Duo's shoulders, forcing the American to look at him.
"Then why are you still here?" he demanded, ignoring the way Duo's eyes widened to saucers. "Because you don't want anyone else to have to go through what you went through. If you kill then others will not. If you die," he swallowed, then continued, "if you die, then others will not. Fight for those you care about, and for those who care about you. Fight so that they won't have to." He loosened slightly the death-grip he had on Duo's shoulders. "Damn yourself so that others can have peace, even for a little while. It's all that we can do."
Duo blinked a few times, looking away. When he dragged his eyes back up at Heero's face, there was a sense of gentle calmness in their violet-blue depths. A hesitant smile, one that was more beautiful than any of his maniac grins, lit up his face. This time, the smile did reach his eyes. "I understand now, Heero. Arigato," he murmured gently.
The pilot stood up. "Hn, now go back to sleep." He gave his customary glare, but it was softened by an uncharacteristically gentle glimmer in his eyes. The boy returned to his bed without another word.
Duo chuckled and lay down, traces of the smile still lingering on his face. He waited for Heero's breathing to become rhythmic and even before whispering, "Then I will fight for you. Oyasuminasai, Heero." With that, he closed his eyes and was out like a light.
Duo never heard the other body arise from the bed and silently make its way over to where he slept. He never felt the callused hand that awkwardly but fondly brushed his hair from his face, nor did he see its owner's lips turning upwards in a somewhat rusty smile.
"Good night, Duo, and I will fight for you."
/Somewhere, not as far away as one would have thought, a young pilot gazed fondly at the scene before him. A familiar heart-shaped face looking up into kind blue eyes, while a pair of gentle hands once again wove a long braid out of unruly chestnut hair. He called to a figure nearby, and received a wicked answering grin in response. Violet eyes shone with the peaceful glow of happiness, and he smiled.
~*Owari*~
Notes:
(1) I took some liberties in Solo's description
(2) I dunno, it just seemed right for Father Maxwell to have blue eyes
(3) Liberties, once again, but someone had to have given Duo his infamous "Boys don't cry" line, right?
(4) Little girl with the dog from EW that Heero accidentally killed.
So, how was it? Did it suck too badly? Feeeeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaack!!!!!