I don't own NCIS Los Angeles! My native language is Dutch and I'm dyslectic so sorry for any mistakes.
This is the sequel to Trying to Remember. According to my sister this chapter can be read without having read the First story. But it might be wish to read Trying to Remember to fully understand this story.

Chapter 1

'I'll see you tonight at dinner,' Deeks said and he grabbed his stuff. Callen and Sam looked up from their work.

'Deeks, you know it's no use,' Sam said carefully. 'She isn't coming. No matter what you say.' Deeks shook his head.

'I'll get her to come,' he said. 'You will see her tonight eating dinner with us, like she is supposed to. Hetty invited her. I'm making sure she doesn't decline one of Hetty's invites.'

'Deeks, just give it up,' Callen sighed.

'Good luck, mister Deeks,' Hetty told him.

'Thank you,' Deeks said and he walked out of the bullpen. Actually he knew that Callen was right: he should give up. She wasn't coming. But for some reason he couldn't give up. Not on her. He was getting there and when he got there he would be with her. He only didn't know where there was. He got slowly in his car. He needed to think about a strategy. How was he getting her to Hetty's Christmas dinner? She hadn't come to Sam's thanksgiving dinner and she had avoided Halloween. She was shutting herself of from the world. She wanted to be alone on these days. But Deeks was sure she needed to be with someone.

Deeks noticed he was driving in a routine to the apartment and he took a quick left. Change your routes, like Sam had told him several times. He should concentrate on routes instead of…anything else.

At Kensi's new apartment he knocked on the door but there wasn't an answer. Deeks knocked again. He wasn't giving up that easily.

'Come on Kensi,' Deeks said through the closed door, knowing that she was inside. 'We need to leave.'

'Come on, Kensi, we need to leave,' Kensi heard Deeks saying through the door but she kept sitting on the couch. Hetty had invited the entire team for Christmas, as usually. And as usually, Kensi didn't want to go. Each year Deeks would try to convince her to come with him and each year he failed.

'I'm not going!' Kensi said. 'You should go, though!' Deeks knocked again on the door.

'Can you at least open the stupid door?' he asked. 'I believe that your neighbors want to call the cops.' Kensi sighed and she opened the door. Deeks smiled and he looked at her. She was wearing comfy clothes and her hair was in a messy ponytail. But the first thing he noticed was that she looked like she had been crying. Deeks stepped inside without seeing anything and he looked around. He still had to get used to her clean apartment. That wasn't like her…well the old her.

'Deeks you know that I won't go,' Kensi said. 'No matter what you say.' She picked up an empty coffee mug from the coffee table and placed it in the sink.

'You can't spend every Christmas alone, Kensi,' Deeks sighed.

'Well, right now I'm not alone,' Kensi replied. 'You're here. So you can be happy.: I won't spend Christmas alone.'

'Should I get ice cream and beer?' he asked. 'I know that that's your Christmas tradition…we can just sit here and drink.' Kensi looked passed him and Deeks turned around. She was looking at a picture on the wall, a picture of her and Damian. Deeks could remember when he had took the picture. They had spend the whole day on the beach. It had been an amazing day.

'We can just stay here,' he said. 'Just here with the two of us.' Kensi sighed and she turned away from the picture.

'Four Christmases without him,' she said. 'It isn't fair.' And before Deeks knew it she was crying. He could feel tears forming in his own eyes and he pulled her in a hug. After four years it looked like she was giving up hope to find her son. How much chance was there to find him after four long years?

Deeks didn't know how he did it or what he had said but Kensi changed her mind and they were currently sitting on a long table at Ops, eating the delicious Christmas dinner that Hetty had made them, talking and laughing. Deeks was pleased to see a faint smile on Kensi's face. It had been such a long time since Kensi had smiled. Since Damian had gone missing she had become even more serious. She just came to Ops to work and nothing more. When the day was over she left as soon as possible. It was worse than the time they had that fight. This time there was nothing he could do about it.

'Deeks!' Callen shouted and Deeks looked up confused. 'Could you give the damn potatoes to Eric?' Deeks just then noticed that Eric was trying to get his attention. He quickly gave the bowl to Eric.

'Deeks, are you thinking about the girl you love?' Sarina asked giggling. Aimee punched her younger sister on her arm.

'You don't ask a boy that,' she told her sister. 'You wouldn't like them to ask you that, right?' Sarina glared at her big sister.

'Hitting me isn't nice!' she said.

'Stop acting like a baby!' Aimee said. 'You're nine!'

'And you stop acting like my mother!' Sarina shouted. 'You're only eleven! That's three years older than me!'

'No, two years, you dumbass!' Aimee corrected.

'Alright!' Sam stopped them. 'No one is a dumbass and it's Christmas. Time of peace, remember?' Aimee crossed her arms angrily and Sarina stuck her tongue out to her sister before doing the same.

'That is it,' Nina said annoyed. 'No dessert for you two!' Aimee screamed and she left the table.

'I hate that my little girl is slowly turning into an emotional monster,' Sam sighed.

'It will pass some day,' Hetty told him. 'Every girl is going through such a phase, isn't that right Miss Blye?' Kensi looked up at hearing her name and she looked questioning at everyone.

'Excuse me,' she then said and she left the table.

Outside Kensi took several deep breaths. Why had she let Deeks convince her to come? She knew that Sam would be there with his kids. She knew that that was going to remind her of Damian. And that was what she didn't want. She heard footsteps and when she turned around she was surprised to see Callen. She had expected Deeks to follow her. At least that was what he seemed to do the whole time.

'It's hard to see Sam's happy family in there, isn't it?' Callen asked. 'It makes you realize you're missing something.'

'Yeah, it does,' Kensi answered. 'It's not only Sam's happy family. It's every family I see. I won't be able to have that and worst of all: Damian would never have that.'

'It's hard,' Callen nodded. 'But that longing feeling to want a family will ease someday. Only the feeling of missing him will never ease. We all miss the little guy. We're here to help with whatever you need.'

'There is only one thing you could do and that didn't work,' Kensi said.

'We're still looking for them,' Callen said. 'And we'll never stop doing that.'

'In case you didn't know: four years is too long,' Kensi said. 'Damian will be five soon and I missed all those years. That is even worse than missing his first six months. He might not even recognize me!' Kensi sighed when she felt once again tears welling up. She was tired of crying. Callen said nothing but just wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer. And that was just what she needed. No words but just an arm around her.

Today it's the fourth Christmas without you. This year Deeks convinced me to come to the dinner at Ops. It was a disaster. I missed you so much today. More than ever. I never thought that that was possible.

How are you spending your Christmas, if you even spend it at all? I bought you a present. It will be in your room if you ever come back, just like the presents of the years before.

I never got to spend a Christmas with you. I regret that. Maybe I should have looked harder for you. I'm sorry, baby. Sorry I failed you.

Lots of love and kisses,

Your mom

Kensi closed the notebook and she laid it back on the dresser. Writing to Damian had been an idea from her therapist. Kensi thought it was silly but now it seemed to help her to stay in contact with her son.

Her eyes wandered to Damian's crib. This was the only room in the apartment that wasn't as clean as the rest. Everything that belonged to Damian was in this room. Kensi sat down on the chair. She saw Damian's stuffed rabbit laying on the ground and she picked it up, holding it close to her. The stuffed animal still smelt a little bit like her son.

'Moom,' Damian said and he walked to Kensi, holding a rabbit in his little hand. Kensi lifted him onto her lap.

'Who is that?' she asked and she pointed at the rabbit.

'Rab,' Damian answered.

'That is right,' Kensi smiled. 'That is your rabbit.'

It had been luck that the stuffed animal wasn't lost in the fire. She had forgotten to take it with her when Damian stayed with Deeks one night. Such a small action but now it meant so much to Kensi. She still had something that could remind her of Damian. All the things in the room came from Deeks' apartment. He had a lot of stuff and had no trouble giving it to Kensi when she found this apartment. He did seem a bit reluctant when he saw the room for the first time. She knew it was because he thought that it won't help her coop but that was exactly what the room did. It helped her coop with the lost of Damian. It made sure he was still here.

'Hello, old boy,' Deeks said and he stroked Monty over its head. He gave the dog a dog biscuit and he lay down on the couch. He waited for Monty to come and lay next to him. The dog had gotten a bit slower over the last four years. He wouldn't be able to play with Damian anymore. Those fun days were over. Deeks suspected that part of Monty's getting slower was because Damian was missing. It couldn't be all old age. The dog missed his buddy. Deeks missed his little buddy as well. Well, the only one who didn't have to miss Damian was the asshole Mark.

What was that man thinking? Taking away a little boy from his family? Mark never deserved to be Damian's father or Kensi husband and boyfriend. Deeks would love to find the guy. Not only because he wanted Damian back but also he would love to show Mark how he felt about his betrayal. Mark really messed Kensi up. The first time it was baf but the second time was the worst. She has been the same for four years now. Almost nothing of the old Kensi was inside the new Kensi. Only the love for her little boy.

TBC
The start of the sequel. Like before: please review