The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly demented mind, with the assistance of EeBee-kohai. The characters within are owned by Kishimoto Masashi.
Warning: This story contains homosexuality and foul language. And it talks about sex. We were on coffee when we wrote this, and it is MOST DEFINITELY a crackfic. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!
Kakashi at Karaoke Night
Kakashi walked slowly through Konoha and paused when he saw a large neon sign harboring the words, "Karaoke Night: Tonight! Come sing your ass off."
He licked his Popsicle thoughtfully. Hmm, Karaoke Night? I should go in and see if they have any Popsicles.
Itachi ran up and stole Kakashi's Popsicle.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Kakashi screamed.
Itachi turned and looked back at him with a manic glint in his eyes. "Mwahahaha! Come and get me if you think you can!"
Kakashi was startled, but decided it was not worth the effort. Shrugging, he turned and walked into the bar, ignoring the disappointed look on Itachi's face.
"Ah, man," Itachi said outside, "I was hoping he would follow me."
Kisame-Fish-Man popped up and said, "But Itachi, I thought we were partners!"
"Goddammit, Kisame, it's not like that!" he declared, playing hard-to-get.
Kisame frowned. "But—but Itachi, I love you!"
Just then, Kakashi walked back out of the bar with a microphone that he was licking as if it was a replacement Popsicle.
Itachi and Kisame stared. "Uh, Kakashi-san, what are you doing?" Itachi asked.
"Spaghetti!" Kakashi said.
Kisame sweatdropped. "I'm sorry?" he asked the man.
Kakashi cleared his throat. "I said spaghetti. And meatballs!" he added for good measure.
Itachi and Kisame exchanged a confused glance.
The owner to the bar rushed out the door, and ran up to Kakashi. Stopping right in front of his face, he said, "Listen here, you! Either give me back that microphone or get inside and sing! This is Karaoke night!"
Kakashi considered his options. He didn't want to give up his pseudo-Popsicle, but he didn't really want to go in and sing either. He sat down on the ground and mused over his quandary for a moment.
Itachi got bored. "Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see if there are any hot men—I mean women!—to make out with." He stalked off into the bar, leaving Kisame staring after him hopefully.
Kakashi stood from the ground with sudden resolve and walked bravely into the Karaoke bar. "I'm ready!" he shouted to the uninterested crowd, who all turned and blinked, then went back to their booze.
"Go Kakashi!" Anko shouted before throwing a Kunai at him.
Kisame was out in the street trying to perform a Henge so that he could go make out with Itachi without Itachi realizing what he was up to. "Henge!" Kisame cried, then scowled at his appearance. "No, he might like strong women, but I definitely don't think he likes them this big!" He called "Henge" a few more times, but, in the meantime, Itachi had already found a brunette girl who was drunk enough for Itachi to convince her to kiss him.
"I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I believe I can touch the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Spread my wings and fly awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Nanananana nanananana anana!" Kakashi sang passionately.
The whole bar blocked their ears, and Anko risked her hearing to throw another Kunai at Kakashi.
Itachi was forced to break off his kiss, and the Henge-ed Kisame, who had entered the bar, took advantage of this lapse in contact to push the brunette away and take her place with a smile. Itachi pulled out some cotton that he handily kept with him for whenever he encountered Sasuke, and stuffed some in his ears before offering the remainder to Kisame.
The brunette, who is now revealed to be Tenten—a very, very drunk Tenten—stood angrily and pulled her scrolls out of their holsters. "Prepare to die, Pretty Boy," she drawled.
Itachi's eyes widened as she flung her scroll open and called forth the weapons. Sending them flying towards Itachi, Tenten used this opportunity to order another glass of sake.
Kisame was terrified. His poor Itachi was going to get wounded. Quickly forming a water clone, he sent the clone into the path of the pointy objects, and pushed Itachi to the ground. Not one to let an opportunity like this slip by unnoticed, Kisame kissed Itachi for all he was worth.
Tenten sent more weapons in their direction.
Kakashi continued to sing.
Anko decided the Kunai were not effect enough, so she summoned a big snake and threw it at Kakashi instead.
"Eep!" Kakashi screeched, before jumping off the stage, hands in the air.
The passion of their kiss forced Kisame-Fish-Man to drop his Henge, and Itachi noticed right away that something was different because the weight on top of him increased 200%. Plus, the teeth of the mouth he was kissing were pointy.
"Kisame!" he gasped. "Wait, I didn't want to do this yet! It's too early! I am still an emotional rollercoaster!"
Kisame blinked. "It's okay, Itachi. I can help you get through your problems. But you have to be willing to trust me." He paused. A thought occurred to him. "But don't you mean that you're 'on' an emotional rollercoaster?" he asked.
"No, I am one," Itachi said.
Sasuke barged in the door.
"What the hell are you doing?" Tenten asked him, opening another scroll and firing its weapons at everyone in the bar without discerning exactly who it was she was trying to kill.
"I am here to kill Itachi. I must get my VENGEANCE!" Eyeing his brother on the floor, Sasuke stopped his Vengeance Rant, and said, "Itachi, what are you doing?" He frowned, wishing terribly that he had a camera.
"Sasuke, this is not how it looks!" Itachi said from underneath Kisame-Fish-Man.
" Eheheheeheeeee," someone giggled in a very high-pitched tone.
"Shut up!" Sasuke told them.
Kakashi ran around the bar with his hands above his head, trying to get the snake away from his neck. Anko laughed maliciously in the corner of the bar.
Sasuke began his Vengeance Rant again, just as Tenten decided to use her biggest scroll to get rid of the current annoyances around her.
"Oh shit!" Sasuke yelled, ducking to avoid one of the large shuriken headed his way. It flew over his head and lodged itself in the wall above the door.
Tenten frowned when her weapons all somehow missed their targets but decided she didn't really care, as long as someone bought her a drink. "Someone buy me a drink!" she yelled.
Ten people jumped forward to comply with her request, and she smirked happily—drunkenly—at them all.
Zetsu walked in and ate Sasuke. "Ew, your brother tastes bad," he told Itachi.
Itachi shrugged and silently thanked Kami that now he didn't have to worry about giving the Sex Talk to Sasuke, or explain that sometimes men like men and that's okay. With all his worries gone, he kissed Kisame.
Kakashi stopped running around the bar. "All you were worried about was giving the Sex Talk to Sasuke?" he asked Itachi.
Itachi turned slightly to look at up at him from an awkward angle on the floor. "Can you read minds?" he asked.
"No," Kakashi shook his head, "that's some shiny guy from another story."
Itachi nodded. "Oh. Okay. But yeah, that was the biggest worry on my mind."
Kakashi nodded, accepting this, then continued to run around the bar.
Anko was growing bored. The snake had not yet succeeded in choking her boyfriend, so she concluded that a larger one was needed. She dispelled the first snake, much to the relief of the silver-haired man, then yelled, "Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
Orochimaru popped up under her hand and she frowned. "You're not who I summoned," she told him.
Orochimaru looked around. "Ooh, Karaoke night!" He jumped up, then regarded his former pupil. "Oh, yeah, I signed the wrong side of the Summoning Contract, so now, anyone with a snake pact who uses a lot of chakra and performs a summon will get me," he explained.
Tenten dropped her glass of sake and said, "Aah! That man is dangerous!" Then she ordered another glass of sake to replace the first.
"Hey, Itachi, let's go find a more comfortable place," Kisame said.
Itachi's eyes widened. "I'm not ready to take it to the next level!" he said.
Kisame resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "I actually just meant we should get off the floor."
"Oh."
Zetsu was still hungry, and he looked around carefully to find someone yummy looking to get rid of the awful taste of emoness.
Orochimaru grabbed the microphone from Kakashi's hand and jumped on stage. "Okay folks!" he yelled happily. "Prepare yourself for snakiness!"
The occupants of the bar exchanged incredulous looks. Tenten reached over and stole her new friends' wallets while they were distracted, laughing evilly on the inside. Zetsu noticed this and decided he would either eat her or the friends. He wasn't sure which.
Kakashi was affronted. "Hey," he said, "give me back my Popsicle!" He paused. "Now!" he added.
Orochimaru merely stuck his tongue out at him and Kakashi did his best not to cringe.
Itachi found a nice table with an excellent view of the stage and he dragged Kisame over to it.
"Ow, you're giving me a wedgie!" Kisame said.
"Oops, sorry," Itachi said, giggling slightly as he let go of the blue man's knickers.
Orochimaru began singing "Little Bunny Fufu" at the top of his voice. Then someone in the back managed to connect the microphone up to the sound system, so his voice was amplified until even the cotton in Itachi and Kisame's ears was not enough.
"Little Bunny Fufu riding through the forest, picking up the field mice and whacking them on the head!" the man sang.
Kakashi stared. "Wow."
Anko smiled with fond memories of Orochimaru tucking her in each night when she was his apprentice. "He used to sing this song all the time," she said to no one in particular.
Zetsu made his decision. He was going to eat the girl.
Tenten chose that moment to turn around and shout "Hey all! I want booze!"
Everyone was scared of her still, so they immediately dived forward to purchase her all the alcohol she wanted.
Zetsu was trampled in the process, but thanks to his plant abilities, he was fine.
Tobi dropped onto his head from the hole Deidara had just made with his clay bombs. "Hi Zetsu-san," Tobi said. "Tobi is here to party!"
Zetsu groaned unintelligibly.
Tobi stood on his head and said, "Tobi wants booze too! Tobi is going to get drunk!"
Deidara jumped down and landed lightly beside his stupid partner. "I'll take one glass of sake, please, un," he told the barman.
"Tobi too! Tobi too!"
"Hey," Orochimaru yelled from on stage, "you're interrupting my song! Shut up!"
"Bleh!" Deidara said.
"Yeah! Bleh bleh!" Tobi agreed.
Kakashi really missed his Popsicle and sat down on the floor with a huff.
Itachi and Kisame began making out again, but thankfully any noises they were making were blocked out by the cacophony that is Orochimaru and Tobi.
Zetsu stood from the floor, determined to eat Tenten.
Deidara slapped him hard on the back and said, "Hey, un, you found any chickies you like?"
Zetsu glared at him. "Yes. One that I want to eat."
"Oooh!" Deidara said, waggling his eyebrows, "I hope you brought protection."
"Don't worry, Tobi has some!" Tobi said.
Deidara and Zetsu both stared at him. "Why the hell do you have protection?" Deidara asked.
Tobi merely shrugged.
Anko stood and walked over to find out what was wrong with Kakashi. "Kakashi, what's wrong?" she asked predictably.
"My…my….my…" he couldn't say it.
"Your what?" she asked.
"My POPSICLE!" he wailed. "IT'S GONE!"
She smacked him.
Orochimaru finished his song and started in on another. "Animal crackers in my soup, lions and tigers loop the loop…"
Tenten threw her glass at him.
"Here," Tobi said, pulling something out of his pocket, "take this."
"AAAAAH!" Deidara and Zetsu both screamed at the thought of Tobi carrying protection with him and sharing it with other people. They ran away still screaming like little girls.
"Oh," Tobi said. "Tobi guesses they don't want it." Tobi shrugged. "Then…Tobi will have to use it!"
Kakashi sat on the floor, crying silent tears of despair at the thought of his Popsicle being taken by someone else.
Anko came back from the other side of the bar and said in a rough voice, "Here." She jerked something under Kakashi's nose and he sniffily wiped his tears away to look at the object.
"Oh!" he said in a surprised voice. "Is it…a Popsicle?" he asked hopefully.
"Yeah," she replied. "I made you one."
He smiled up at her and stuck the handmade Popsicle in his mouth. The wood felt weird against his tongue and it was obvious that she had used a special jutsu to speed the drying of the paint. "What paint did you use?" he asked.
"I dunno. The closest one."
Kakashi felt a little sick. "You mean you made a wooden Popsicle and painted it with random goo nearby and gave it to me and I stuck it in my mouth thinking it was safe and oh my god my girl friend's trying to kill me!" he yelled, having suddenly had an epiphany.
"Duh," Deidara said, having stopped running when he saw the odd sight before him.
"No one asked you, Blondie," Kakashi said rudely.
Deidara scrunched his fists up and got ready to hit Kakashi.
"Yay! Bar fight! Bar fight! Bar fight!" Tobi yelled.
Orochimaru switched to a new song more suitable for the mood. "I will kick your ass! I will kick your ass!"
Itachi and Kisame slid under the table, hoping for more privacy.
Zetsu puked up Sasuke, revolted at the sight of two fellow Akatsuki members kissing that fondly.
"Finally!" Sasuke said. "It was gross in there!" He glanced around the bar, his eyes widening as he saw the various things going on within.
Kakashi was yelling at Anko and holding a very crude model of a Popsicle in his hand.
Anko had her hands on her hips, and looked as though she was barely restraining herself from yelling back at him.
Tenten was at the bar, making various people buy her sake. Her pockets were bulging in a way that usually only happened to men, and Sasuke wasn't really sure what to think of that.
Zetsu was puking on the floor next to him, and Itachi and Kisame were…
"Kisame-Fish-Man, what are you doing to my brother? I get to kill him, dammit!" Sasuke yelled angrily.
The two separated from their activities, and their faces were bright red. Itachi's normally pristine hair was disheveled and sticking out at odd angles, and both his and Kisame's mouths looked kind of red.
Realization dawned on Sasuke. "Were you….were you eating my brother?" he spluttered at Kisame.
Kisame looked away guiltily.
Itachi looked between his brother and his partner and said, "Yeah, yeah, that's what we were doing! Eating each other!"
Sasuke was confused. He didn't even notice Tobi handing out protection to the men in the bar.
Nor did he see Deidara taking pictures of all this with his weird scope thing.
He was just focusing on the fact that he was just puked up by a plant, and now a fish was eating his brother. He ran toward the fish and exclaimed, "No! I have to kill him!"
Kisame's eyes widened as Sasuke came at Itachi with a Kunai. He poked Sasuke when he was close enough.
"NOOOO! NOTTTT THE POOOOKKKKEE!" Sasuke flailed his arms around wildly.
Kisame looked at Itachi with his eyebrows raised questioningly.
"I may have traumatized him with that when we were younger…" Itachi said slowly.
Naruto made a dramatic entrance. "Hey dudes! Dattebayo!" he yelled.
Sasuke turned slowly. "Did you just say 'dude'?" he asked. At Naruto's nod, he continued, "I think that may be worse than 'believe it'." He thought for a moment then shook his head. "No, 'believe it' wins."
Naruto smiled broadly. "Hi Kakashi-sensei," he called to his teacher, who was still yelling at Anko for trying to kill him all evening. She was now yelling back that it made their relationship more exciting.
Naruto turned to the bar and ordered some water, unnoticing of the stares he was receiving from all the Shinobi in the outlet.
"…Naruto?" Sasuke said, almost hesitatingly.
"Yes, Sasuke?"
"Aren't you even a little surprised to see me here?" Sasuke said. "After all, I have been gone for about three years…"
Naruto shrugged. "Yeah, well, I knew I'd run into you sooner or later. Although, I am a little surprised to see you without Orochimaru inside you. I would have expected that by now, he'd have got your body."
Kisame laughed evilly. Itachi glanced at him. "Now we have blackmail material if your brother ever tries to get at us!" he explained to his partner.
Sasuke paled. "It's not like that!" he yelled.
Orochimaru chose this moment to stop singing and glanced over at the three. "Sasuke-kun! I'm so happy to see you! You look beautiful!" he yelled into the microphone for the whole bar and much of the town to hear.
Kabuto popped up on the stage. "Orochimaru, no!"
"Shut up, Kabuto!" Orochimaru snapped. "Your body sucks. I don't like it. And you wear glasses."
Kabuto cried out in sadness, despair, and some other emotion that meant he got to make lots of noise. He fell to the floor in agony, but somehow managed to maneuver it so that he landed next to Kakashi. The two cried loudly but everyone ignored them.
Anko walked over to the bar and ordered herself a pint of the strongest alcohol in the house. The man behind the counter gave her a bottle of turpentine. "Thanks," she said, gulping it down.
Deidara was interested in that spunky woman so he followed her over to the drinks counter. "Hey," he said, "can I buy you a drink?"
"No," she said.
His face fell.
"My friend just stole your wallet," she finished.
Tenten grinned at him impishly, then quickly ran away.
"Hey!" Deidara yelled, following after her. "Come back here!"
Tenten foolishly decided Zetsu would offer her the best protection, and she stopped beside him.
"Hehe," he laughed, opening his mouth wide to stuff her in.
Her eyes widened and she sped away again.
"Humph," Zetsu said. Then he spied the two silver-haired men on the floor. "Fine, I'll eat one of them," he said.
"Tobi will save you!" Tobi told Tenten.
She rushed over to him.
"Here, take this!" he held out one the objects from his pocket and she glanced down at it.
"Oh, good idea," she said. Opening the packet, she quickly pulled out the item and stuffed all the stolen wallets inside.
Orochimaru dropped the microphone and ran over to Sasuke to hug him. "Oh, you're so handsome, I just want to pick you up and take you home and cuddle you!"
Sasuke was frozen in shock and fear. Itachi was slightly worried that his brother's face would be stuck that way, but he was more worried Kisame was going to realize he was drunk, and end their lovely evening out.
"Let's go home!" Orochimaru chirped happily. He lifted Sasuke bridal-style and prepared to perform the Body Flicker Technique.
"Bye Sasuke!" Itachi said to his younger brother. "I'll see you at Thanksgiving for our family reunion!" He waved as Orochimaru finished the hand seals and left.
Deidara chased Tenten around the bar and tried hard to catch her. Tobi had handed her something, though, and she was almost impossible to keep up with.
Especially when Deidara kept tripping over Kabuto and Kakashi, who were still sobbing in the middle of the bar. Zetsu was trying to sneak up on them to eat them, but somehow, kept getting pushed away.
"So…" Anko said to Naruto, "how's it going?"
"Great!" Naruto said excitedly, oblivious to the general mood of chaos in the bar. "Ero-sennin taught me some great new techniques while we were away and now when I see Sasuke again, I can totally kick his ass!"
Anko sweat-dropped very minutely. "Uh, kid, you know Sasuke was just here, right?"
Naruto's eyes flew wide open. "WHAT!" he yelled, causing everyone in the bar to stop what they were doing. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'he was just here'? HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED HIM?"
Kabuto looked up in the moment of silence that followed this declaration, and noticed that Sasuke and Orochimaru were, indeed, gone. He poofed away back to the hideout, figuring he might as well not waste his tears if Orochimaru couldn't even see them.
"Hey, my crying partner left me!" Kakashi said, offended at the abandonment. He stood, deciding he would get vengeance. On both Anko and Kabuto. Walking over to the bar, he stole Anko's drink and swallowed it all himself. He put the bottle back on the bar, and wiped his mouth, grinning evilly at her.
"Uh, Kakashi?" Anko said.
"Yes, dear?" he answered.
"…You do know you just took my drink, right?"
"Yep."
Anko nodded slightly. "Yeah…that was turpentine," she said.
Kakashi stared at her for a second before his eye widened considerably. It was actually a miracle that defied all science and logic that his eye was able to remain in its socket at that width. "You mean…you mean? YOU MEAN I JUST DRANK TURPENTINE?" he yelled.
Anko nodded sadly.
"!" Kakashi ran off to the bathroom, to try to puke the liquid back up.
"Um, Anko-neechan," Naruto said slowly, sounding confused, "why were you drinking turpentine?"
"Oh, I built up immunity to it a long time ago. It was the only think Oro-sensei ever had around…"
"Ookaay," Naruto said slowly, deciding not to dwell on that one.
Zetsu was annoyed. Everyone he had tried to eat so far had managed to escape, even that nasty emo kid he had swallowed earlier. Dammit. Deciding to implement his last resort measures, Zetsu began to look for Tobi.
Deidara had finally backed Tenten into a corner. His hands began forming two clay bombs that he thought would be the perfect way to get rid of the evil girl.
Except Tenten had other plans. Jumping high into the air, she rolled herself into a ball, and somersaulted out the door. Once she landed on the other side, she took off running back to Konoha, the stolen wallets still hidden protectively in the…protection.
Itachi and Kisame shifted slightly so that they were fully hidden under the table.
Tobi watched their actions with interest. "Deidara-senpai, I really think they need protection!"
Deidara walked over, sulking slightly that he hadn't got to blow the brunette up. He stopped in shock when he saw what Itachi and Kisame were doing. "Tobi, don't look, it will ruin your innocence!" As he said this, he took multiple pictures with his scope, making a mental note to be sure to put them on the Internet as soon as possible.
Naruto walked over from the bar with Anko following him and they also stopped in front of the table. Naruto sat down on the ground to get a better view. "Wow," he said, "they're really going at it. They must have years of experience!" he said jealously.
Anko smirked at him. "You wait, kid, one day, you'll be like that too."
Naruto wrinkled his nose. "I kind of hope not…" he said.
Itachi and Kisame stopped trying to strangle each other with their hands and looked at the gathering crowd. "Hey," Kisame said, "go away! We would like some privacy here!"
"I'll bet you would!" Anko said.
"Um… Itachi?" Kisame paused. "Could you… turn off your Mangekyo when we're making out?"
"Sorry, love."
Anko turned on her heel. "We are so getting out of here." She shook her head. She walked over to Kakashi and dragged him out of the bar with Naruto, Deidara, and Tobi following swiftly after.
"Eep," Kakashi 'eep'-ed. "All I wanted was a Popsicle!"