"Jesy, turn your phone off. The shows you've done have been great but there's still a few things we need to sort out and I need your full attention" I sighed placing my phone down on the table and turning back to my choreographer, he turned his attention from me to address everyone in the room "That goes for all of you, we need to get this right. Places please" Ducking my head I quickly moved back into position next to Leigh-Anne, I listened as out choreographer counted us in and I began dancing in time with the music, moving my body in the steps that had been drilled into me. I could do it, they weren't too difficult and my dance background helped me to pick up the steps quickly, it was just today though. No, that was a lie; it had been like this since we'd started the tour. I was so excited for it before hand, counting the days down, perfecting the harmonies and choreography.
"Jesy" I cringed hearing my name yet again, I was fed up of it. "You know these steps, you have more dance experience than most people and yet you just don't seem to be getting it"
"I know, I'm sorry" I turned to my choreographer, he really was a lovely guy, he had all the time in the world for us but I knew it was frustrating for him watching me and knowing that I have the ability I just can't seem to get into the head space.
"Ok everyone take a break, have some water, Jesy go get some air yeah?" I nodded picking up my phone of the side and making my way outside. I didn't wait for any of the girls; I needed a moment alone to think. I leant against the railing outside as I unlocked my phone; I was immediately greeted by a message.
'I don't get it Jesy, I thought you cared. When I'm on tour I make time for you" There was more to the message and another two that accompanied it, I needed to unlock my phone in order to read them but I didn't. I locked my phone again and placing it back in my pocket. He's right, I don't try hard enough, when I'm not on tour I do but I don't find the time when I am and don't ever seem to make time.
"You ok Jes?" I turned my gaze to Jade, she stood holding a bottle of water out toward me a small sympathetic smile on her face. I took the bottle from her returning my view to the car park in front of me.
"I don't know what to do Jade" I took a sip, thankful for the cooling element the water brought "I should've made more time for him, I should've tried harder to see him and speak to him. I've fucked it all up and now I'm worried that it's gone too far" I felt a stray tear leave my eye, I didn't try to wipe it, just let it fall.
"He loves you Jes, more than anything, we all know that, hell everyone knows that. You need to tell him that your sorry and that you will make more time for him, he'll understand" I sighed smiling slightly,
"I know" she took my hand giving it a quick squeeze before heading back inside. I took my phone back out of my pocket and sent Jordan a text,
'I want to make this right, please come round tonight xx' I pressed send closing my eyes tightly, maybe it will be as simple as Jade makes it seem.
I heard a knock at the door and I could feel my heart rate increase, my hands felt slightly slick as I realised just how nervous I was. I made my way to the door taking a deep breath before I opened it. I looked up meeting Jordan's eyes; I wasn't sure what I was expecting, for him to wrap me up in his arms, to press me close to his hard chest, to make me feel safe. He smiled slightly, only for a second before his face turned hard again, the warmth in his eyes was gone and I felt my fear increase, I didn't recognise this person.
"Hi" I moved to the side letting him in before shutting the door slowly, I stood for a moment staring at my hand around the handle, I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to give him the opportunity to end things, I felt the fear shoot through me again, I need him.
I made my way to the couch sitting beside him, I had to mentally refrain from reaching toward him and pulling him close. There wasn't much space between us but it felt like miles. He turned his gaze to mine meeting my eyes and for a second I saw a glimpse of the Jordan I loved, the man he was before I hurt him. I tried to find the words, to form a sentence in my head, one that would make him understand.
"I'm so sorry Jordan, I meant to make time for you I did but I just got lost" he sat silent for a moment, I searched for something to say, something that would fill the void between us but I was at a loss.
"I'm sorry too Jes. I know what you're going through, I know how crazy touring can be, how you have to fight for a moment to yourself, the constant exhaustion" he sighed clasping his hands together, he focused solely on his fingers for a moment. I felt myself relax slightly, he understood, maybe this would be ok. "The difference between us Jesy is that I fight through that exhaustion, I fight to make time for myself and I spend that time speaking to you, texting you. No matter how small my gesture may be I would always try to speak to you."
"I know Jordan and I-"
"Hold on for a second, this is really hard for me to say so can you please just let me talk, just for a minute" I tried to meet his gaze but he'd turned back to focusing on his fingers. I watched him squeeze his eyes shut before continuing. "Before you went away I was worried that you wouldn't find the time for me but then I thought about it, I thought about how I felt when I had to leave you, how much it killed me. I thought about how much you loved me and I decided that you would make time for me because you loved me. I hate that I thought I knew you, that I thought I knew how you felt about me" I watched as his eyes began to water, I felt my heart break knowing that I was causing him pain "I hate that it broke my heart to leave you, but it seems so simple for you. The thing I hate most though is knowing that even though I thought you did you never loved me in the way I loved you" I'd never seen him cry, never. He was always so strong but he cried now, it was quiet and solitary. I wanted to reach for him and kiss away his tears but I couldn't because I was the cause of them.
"I'm so sorry Jordan. Please, I do love you, honestly I do. I love you more than anything and I'm sorry, I just got so overwhelmed by the whole tour, by everything" I watched in confusion as a laugh broke through his tears, he stood turning toward the door. Fuck. I stood following him, fumbling for words that would make him see.
"Jordan, please you have to understand, I never get a moment to myself. There's always someone there or something to do. I do love you more than anything" I was frantic, grasping at every excuse I could find. He turned back to me, there were no tears left in his eyes, no sadness, no love just anger.
"That's bullshit Jesy and you know it, Jade fucking managed it. Do you know how it feels to be sat there and look over at Sam and see him smiling at his phone as he reads a text from her? A text that she sent in one of her few moments of peace" He was walking toward me, his voice rising with each word "Do you know how it feels to see him talking to her on the phone? To see him laughing and smiling and telling her how much he misses her and know that she's telling him she misses him back?" he paused for a second in front of me before lowering his voice again "No, you don't know what any of that is like because I would never make you feel like that, ever."
I was crying now, the tears streaming down my face. I didn't know what to say I'd hurt him so much, I'd taken him for granted. I stared at him as he towered over me, his chest heaving.
"I'm sorry, just please listen to me just for a minute and then I'll let you leave" He stood still not moving a muscle, I sighed accepting that that was all I was going to get in this situation. "I was so excited for this tour, I worked so hard for it, for months and I got used to you being beside me and supporting me. I was excited to go on the tour because I knew I could make you proud" I felt a tiny smile creep onto my face, even as I tried to fight it "I couldn't wait for you to come and watch me and when I got off stage I could run into the back room and see you there smiling and you'd kiss me and tell me what you thought" my smile faltered "I got so lost in the good of what could happen that I forgot to fight for it. I forgot that this was harder on you than me and even though it might not seem like it I thought of you every single day, in every single rehearsal and through every song on stage. I thought about how it's going to feel when you would finally be here with me." Slowly I moved toward him. "I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone Jordan and I'm so sorry that I abused that. I know I did, I took you for granted, I took all of the good that you are for granted and I am so, so sorry for that. I hate that I could hurt you in this way and if you'll let me" I slowly reached taking a hold of his hand in mine, I raised my gaze to meet his willing my eyes to hold every emotion I feel "If you'll let me I want to fix this, I want to make this right. I want to show you how much you mean to me and I want you to be proud of me"
He turned his gaze to me, I could see him contemplating what I'd just said. I moved closer to him again until I was stood close enough to touch him. Slowly I reached my hand out placing it gently on his chest, I tilted my head up to his begging him to meet me.
"I love you Jordan, please let me make this right" I waited, my heart in my throat, waiting for him to kiss me, to show me in any way that he loves me and we can fix this. I waited. I felt a tear fall as I removed my hand from his chest and stepped back slightly, I could feel the tears falling fast now, I stared at the floor praying for it to swallow me up. I heard a whimper escape my mouth and I cursed myself for thinking that this would be simple, that he would accept my apology. I also cursed him, I wanted him to leave, to leave me with my guilt not stand in front of me, watching me silently.
"Jesy" I cringed at hearing him say my name so softly, I didn't deserve it, I didn't deserve anything he had to offer me. I heard him move toward me, slowly I lifted my head afraid of what would happen. I watched as he came closer standing in front of me, he curled his finger around my jaw, raising my head until I was looking into his eyes. I got lost, lost in everything that Jordan is to me, lost in the love that I feel for him. I felt his lips against mine as a moment of confusion wracked through my body. As quickly as it had come it was gone and I was instead left with a thirst, a thirst for him. I wanted to prove it to him, prove that I was worth his love. I pulled away slightly, keeping our bodies pressed together.
"I'm sorry Jordan, I promise it won't happen again" he kissed me lightly, quickly.
"Jesy, please stop it, I love you" I felt a tear leave my eyes at his words, I didn't think I deserved to hear them ever again.
"I love you too" I pulled him down toward me, pulling him close wanting to never let him go again.