Title: How To: Cliché

Author: Akane Arihyoshi

Warnings: Spontaneous suicide may occur. Active ingredient: sarcasm, those with allergies or intolerance to such should not continue. (Women who are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant can do whatever the hell they want.)

Disclaimer: I own neither the process of cliché writing nor the characters used in this story, though it would be flipping hilarious if I did.

NOTE (KAYREADTHISTHANKS): This is satire. Say it with me--"sa-tire". Sarcasm. I'm being funny. Laugh a little. As for the story, the bolded terms are the rules themselves, the dialogue is in the form of a reporter covering an upcoming fanfiction. You'll figure it out...

Having trouble with the stress of writing? Need to take a break? Or maybe you just never got started on the path of creative writing, and want an easy start! Well then, yaoi cliché writing is for you! Just follow the rules I've laid out for you carefully, pick a main character and a main pairing, and get ready to write pages and pages of worthless dribble!

It's not hard! It's not time-consuming! And it requires very little original thought!

You too can be a menace to the writing society!

Are you ready? Read carefully, and pull up a blank document on your computer!

THE RULES OF YAOI CLICHÉ FANFICTION:

------------All male characters must be homosexual. As this is the most important rule, there can be absolutely no exceptions. Males may be single (not in a romantic relationship) but overall the characters as a group must fit into the single paired equation. (Note: Your main character should start out as single, as the beginning of his new relationship will be the main focus of the story.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey, Yuffie. So how do you feel about all this?"

"It's kind of disturbing that every single man on the face of the planet is completely irreversibly homosexual."

"Yeah. I mean, that kind of spells out the end of humanity, doesn't it?"

"Wow, yeah. I hadn't thought about it like that. You're right."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Huh. Well, I don't know. Maybe I'll round up the girls and we'll make a rocket-ship. Fly to Mars, or something. We can start a new life there, make an entirely new race."

"With the Martians?"

"Well, yeah. Who else do you know that lives on Mars?"

------------Every single person is in high school, regardless of canon age or occupation. When a character is either too old or too unpopular, a teaching position will be created and filled by said character.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hi, Larxene. Why are you here?"

"Oh, well, as it turns out, I'm still in high school, even though in age I'm somewhere from my late twenties into my early thirties, because I needed to be in the same place as you guys, and Roxas is only fifteen. But he's the more popular character, so, if you'll excuse the expression, the fight has been brought to his turf."

"And what about Aerith? I saw her around somewhere…"

"She's a less popular character in the Kingdom Hearts fandom, and so even though she's younger than I am and far more likeable personality-wise, she gets to be the school nurse because no one likes her very much. Her character in this game is much too princess-in-distress."

"But Vexen's a main character, and he's a teacher!"

"Well, obviously. It would take one hell of a fangirl to change his ugly ass into a high school student. So he gets to be the science teacher."

------------When the personality of a character is either canon-ly questionable or inappropriate for the setting of an Alternate Universe (AU) fiction, it may be changed to fit the needs of the setting, or, alternately, the setting may be changed to fit a personality similar to the original (though the latter is an emergency option, and should be used sparingly).

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So, Demyx. Anything going on for you in this fiction?"

"Oh, of course! You see, I've become suddenly bubbly and excitable, isn't it fantastic? Even though there's no proof in the game, and I'm a mass-murdering psychopath in a ruthless criminal organization, the writer still found the basis to make me a deliriously happy flaming homosexual! Isn't that just swell?"

"Wow. Amazing. And what about you, Xemnas?"

"My penchant for destroying civilizations to reap their hearts was deemed too violent for this fiction and my role in it as the principal of the local high school. So my personality has changed to a stern but kindly academic man with a life dream of helping teenagers to improve their futures."

"That's rather disturbing."

------------When a character's physical appearance and their personality do not match in any reasonable form, the writer must first change either the personality itself, or the appearance through hair dye, make-up, or genetics.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So what about you, Marluxia?"

"I personally spent an hour picking out my outfit and doing my hair this morning. It takes effort to get my sort of messy curls exactly where I want them. Do you know how hard it is to keep curly hair looking nice?"

"Er, no, not really. If you don't mind me saying, this is quite a drastic change from your canon personality."

"Well, you do what you have to. It was either this, or dying my hair brown every other day for the rest of my life."

------------In the event that Roxas (Number XIII) joins the story in any way other than as an addition to Sora (I.e., a voice in Sora's head, a mentioned-but-not-written member of Sora's immediate family), then sea salt ice cream must also become a part of the story in some form. No character in the story shall ever gain more than a few pounds, no matter how often or in what quantities the ice cream is ingested.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Wow, Roxas. That's the second ice cream I've seen you eat. Are you still hungry?"

"What? Oh, yes. Of course. I can always eat about four of these. They're often all I get to eat, you see. Writers don't like to add tidbits like meals into their stories. It saves time to skip over them. The only meals that are written are usually school lunches, and I don't like to eat those. In most schools, they're absolutely disgusting."

"But don't you gain weight? I mean, you have to eat like twelve of these a day. That's gotta be 5,000 calories at least."

"No, I don't ever gain weight. I wouldn't be as adorable if I gained weight. No one likes a fat bishounen. But every once in a while Olette gains a pound or two so that readers can enjoy her comedic shrieks."

------------Roxas cannot be present in a fiction alone and without friends. His friend groups include, but are not limited to:

1) Axel

2) Naminé

3) Hayner, Pence, and Olette

4) Sora

5) Any mixture or omission of the above

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So, Roxas. Anyone special in your life?"

"Well, yeah, I guess. Axel's my best friend, but in a few chapters he's probably going to be something more, which will open up the position to Hayner. Sora, Pence, and Olette are my casual group of friends, the ones that you hang out with at school, but that you can't open up to as much, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess I know what you mean. So what about Naminé?"

"Oh, that's a horror story. She was my first--and last--girlfriend, before I decided I was gay. She kind of took it hard, but we're still very good friends. It's just that she lives in the city, attending this special art school there, even though it makes no sense, because in the game, her artistic ability was limited to crayon-scribblings that vaguely resembled people." (Note: When a character is deemed either to difficult to write or inappropriate for the setting, they may be placed in a different town and simply referred to, if put in the story at all.)

"Wow, I'm sorry. That must be hard."

"No, it's okay. I'm expecting a phone call from her in the third chapter where I discuss my sudden feelings for Axel with her in great depth. It's going to be some heavy bonding time."

------------In the event that no country/world is specified (I.e., Destiny Islands, France) as the setting, assume either Japan or North America--specifically the United States. Clues may be given to indicate a particular preference, but none are required.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey there, Sora."

"Konnichiwa."

"Huh? Oh, hajimemashite, Sora-kun. Are we in Japan? I hadn't noticed."

"Oh, no, I don't think so. But I keep slipping in these kawaii words, so we just might be. That or the east coast of America."

"I see. Any other clues you've got as to our location? I want to know if I can catch a train home from here, it's getting kind of dark."

"Yeah, and it's only five in the afternoon, so I think it's safe to assume it's winter. Oh, but sometimes I've got these amazingly kawaii neko ears on top of my head, think that could be something?"

"Might be, but then again, we could just be at a convention. Keep your ears open for the word 'glomp,' and when you hear it, run away as fast as you can."

------------Any uninteresting or time-consuming rituals of normal daily life (I.e., hair and nail growth, going to the restroom) maybe be disregarded as wasteful use of space.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Kairi! Hajimemashite."

"Huh? Uh, bless you."

"No, it's…never mind. But I thought we were in Japan?"

"No, it's America."

"Okay. You know, I've always wanted to ask you. You've got such a nice haircut, I was thinking of getting mine short. How long does it last before you need to get it cut again?"

"What, my hair? Cut? As if. Doesn't yours just stay like this permanently?"

"No, it doesn't. (I'll have to talk to management about that later.) But what if you want to change it? What if you wanted it long?"

"Oh, well, then I'd just snap my fingers, and it would grow! A couple days, and it'd be as long as I wanted it to be!"

"Wow, that's amazing!"

"I know, but you know what the best part about all this sameness is? My manicures last forever."

------------When one or more characters is modified in age to become and remain a pre-teen (eleven to thirteen years of age), puberty may be modified, omitted, or generally tweaked to alter the unpleasant side effects. Puberty may not be portrayed accurately in any circumstance. (No one wants to remember that.)

"Alright, Naminé. You're pretty young in this fic, right? A child prodigy?"

"Twelve, yes. I was skipped ahead a few years, but chose to forsake my academic gifts in favor of pursuing the arts full time."

"All the really brilliant people do, it seems. Tell me something, woman to woman?"

"Yes, alright."

"Anything weird happening lately? You know, strange physical things. Feeling kind of crabby, waistline starting to fade?"

"Oh, no. None of that. Although I did snap rather uncharacteristically at Roxas the other day on the phone. Could that be what you're implying?"

"Yeah, some of that happens. Men can get annoying, you'll get used to it. But I mean, something really physical."

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Your period, Naminé. Your period. Blood? Pads? Bloating, crabbiness, cramps?"

"Oh! Wow, that sounds nasty. Is it a disease? Should I be taking vitamins?"

------------ When Roxas is present in a fiction with siblings, his siblings must include Sora and then the author's choice of any blonds in the original game. Popular choices include but are not limited to: Cloud Strife, Demyx, Rikku.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So, Cloud. Do you feel up to talking today?"

"Make it short."

"Alright. I hear that you're Roxas's older brother in this fic. Touching, really. I bet you two have developed a bond over the years, huh?"

"Not really."

"Seriously? Any particular reason for this? Sibling rivalry, perhaps?"

"Age difference."

"Oh, that's right. I suppose you're probably not as close, being the older brother. He's probably not as good of friends with you as he might be with Sora."

"No. I mean, I'm old enough to be his father."

"That's a point."

------------Should no canon character be suitable for the position in mind, you may create and utilize a character of your own creation. The character in question must be exceptionally beautiful and have an I.Q. (intelligence quotient) of 130.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hi, I don't think we've met before. I'm doing some research on this story. This is a KH fandom story though, right? Or is it a crossover? What fandom are you originally from?"

"Oh, I'm not. My name is Winnie. It's short for Genevra Callista Winnita Mary Bella Susan Smith, but I don't like that name at all. It's ugly. I have long brown curls that never seem to get frizzy, eyes that can entice even the most gay of boys back to heterosexuality, and a fashion sense that never fails, along with the ability to shower, pick an outfit, plan jewelry and accessories for an outfit, and style my hair in five minutes flat."

"Wow. I'd kill for those sort of powers. What did you have to do? Slay a dragon?"

"Oh no, I was born with them. It's such a horrible curse to live with, being this pretty."

"I'm sure. So what's your role in this fiction? Anything big?"

"Oh, sure. When Axel and Roxas inevitably break up for the second time, I'm the one who talks Roxas through it. I get to tell him all these wise things, like 'There are some things in life you should give up on, and some that are worth fighting for.' It's going to be fun."

"But what about all his other friends? I mean, while I can see why Hayner wouldn't be the best choice for a pep talk, there's still Olette, Naminé, and even Sora would have something nice to say. Why doesn't he go to them?"

"Beats me."

------------If grades are at all mentioned, all main characters should be in good standing academically. Side characters and comedic relief characters may have poor to moderate grades. The only exception to this rule is the abovementioned OC (original character), who should always have impeccable grades.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So. Axel. What's up?"

"Nothing much."

"Well, you're back in high school. That must suck. Any good subjects you're taking this year?"

"Well, no, but yes. I hate them all, but I figured out that I don't have to do my homework at all, so that's good."

"Whoa, that's big. I hate homework! Wanna tell me your secret?"

"Oh, it's just that main characters always have good grades, no exceptions. I'm one of the main-est characters in this story, so it doesn't matter if I do anything or not, I'm still an A+ student."

"That is so not fair."

"I know, it's great. I can rub it in Demyx's face all I want."

------------In the event that the story becomes too mediocre, a non-conformist character may be added to the character list. All non-conformist characters must follow a guideline. They must be:

1) A teenager, or in their very early twenties.

2) They must have a Japanese character tattooed some place on their body. Multiple tattoos are acceptable.

3) They must have an exotic hair color.

4) Female: Must have at least twelve piercings on each ear, face, and stomach.

Male: Must have at least five piercings on one ear and tongue, optional: eyebrow.

5) They must swear excessively and ridiculously often.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Whoa, man. Axel. Is that your costume for this fic? It's kind of…"

"Hot?"

"I was going for a more negative adjective, actually. Dark? Sinister? Metallic?"

"My ears feel like they're full of lead, but that's pretty normal. And look! Thiss es mai thone rhing!"

"Your…what?"

"My tongue ring! I love it, seriously."

"Okay, well, each to his own. But isn't your outfit kind of black?"

"Yeah, it has to be. I can't fit in."

"Uh-huh. Because I can't think of any teenagers who wear black on a regular basis. How odd would that be?"

"You trying to say something?"

"No, no. Anything else?"

"Sure. I've got these tattoos, look! That's Japanese, it means 'peace,' and that means 'originality.'"

"Gee. That's seriously original, all right. A Japanese character inked into your skin? No one will have thought of that."

"That's what makes me so cool."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In conclusion?

Yes, you will be cool! Yes, you will be the envy of all your friends!

It's just one simple fact: You now have chapters more story than anyone else can ever hope for!

So go for it! Go for that eighty-chapter-long idea you've been toying with in the back of your head--you're a genius, it's obvious, Roxas in high school would be a stunningly creative and original fic.

What are you waiting for?

A/N: Goodness, this was written a while ago. Good thing I found it again.

As always, read, love, review.

~Akane