I did not write the Twilight series.
No copyright infringement intended.
It was a day like any other, but one that would mark itself in history as the best day to grace our little planet. Bella was walking dazedly down the road as usual, waiting for it to rain. She gazed detachedly at the trees beyond the road, hoping that Jacob was stalking her. Unfortunately, this meant that she wasn't looking in front of her, so she ran smack into the humungous domino that suddenly materialized in the middle of the street. It was so large, that Bella knocked the bottom out from under it, and it tilted backwards to fall on her.
Quick as the vampire bat he couldn't actually change into, Edward's sparkling self appeared to heroically thrust the abnormally large domino away from his current underage lover.
But the funny thing about dominos – they never fall alone. Dominos crashed one into another creating a chain of sonic booms freaking the pants off the Volturi and sending them into a crazed, shiny, rather pretty frenzy of anger at Edward's insolence, ultimately resulting in the deaths of the entire tribe and signaling a giant flaming meteor.
Bella, of course, heard none of this as she was to busy complaining loudly about bumping her head. Afraid for her health, Edward took her to his place.
"Never!" yelled Jacob, finally emerging from behind a small shrubbery.
As the first to speak, he had the element of surprise, but like all people bent on other's destruction, he wasted it in gloating, and Edward punched him in the face, disappointing Carlisle (who was creeping protectively in the sidelines) to the point of suicide. They leave, Jacob pursuing them disguised as a rather grumpy-looking stray dog.
In Edward's room, Bella pretends to faint to get his attention, making Edward finally deliver on his promise to suck the living daylights out of her neck. At this, Jacob realized that he really had a thing for babies anyway, and he better get in on the feeding frenzy while he could still blame Edward.
Bella – drained of blood and completely thrilled at the honor.
Edward – eaten by an overenthusiastic Jacob and fully appreciative of the irony
Jacob – killed himself when he realized he could never date their illegitimate love child
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?" asked Rosaline seductively.
"Not you" said the mirror.
"AAAH! I'm sexy! Heaven smite me if that's a lie!!!" The aforementioned meteor crashed into her house, setting fire to the continental United States.
Devastated Twilight fan-girls and fan-guys worldwide committed mass suicide at the obvious death of their male Twilight crush, sparking a Romeo and Juliet that soon sucked up the world.
But luck was on our side, and the entire cast of Harry Potter book series remained to repopulate the Earth. Except for Fudge, who should not enter the gene pool.