Dear Sweetheart,

I know you must hear this story a lot, but I wanted to write one for you so you would never forget that I love you. I'm making some videos of The Trip, again, so you don't forget how much I love you even though I have to miss most of your life. You don't know how sad it makes me that I can't be there. Never for a second think that I didn't love you. I still love you as a matter a fact…

Rarely have I really hated the world, but I think this is one of those terrible moments that makes you really wonder: is life that great?

I mean, sometimes you're soaring through life, and you are happy because life is great; what more could you want? You have a girlfriend that loves you, you are planning on marrying her, having babies with her, living in a nice four bedroom house just outside a city that you adore, and even maybe having a dog.

But right now, I feel like giving shit to that wonderful person. I would never even think about giving her shit before, but right now I'm at my wit's end. I just received the terrible news that I am dying. I have only about twelve months to live, and guess what she's worried about?

She is worried about our schedules for next year. She is worried about moving after we finish our masters and me having to go off to med school. She is complaining about wanting to be married and having children when I'm in med school, (even though I have told her countless times before, I don't want to be a dad while I'm still in school.)

She had been cooking when I got home. This was a typical Bella activity during finals. She stirred the pot full of something delicious while reading a book next to the stovetop, wearing sweat pants and an old shirt that made her look just like the picture perfect poor college student.

I walked into the bedroom to change quickly. When I came out, she was in the same spot as I had last seen her.

"Bella," I said, walking into the kitchen and up behind her. I didn't know if I should break my news to her before, during, or after dinner. Depends on when she feels happy; but then again, I might as well tell her when she is in a bad mood…why ruin a happy moment?

"Hey," she said absent-mindedly. I kissed her shoulder, folded the corner of the book she was reading over, and closed the book quickly so I could have all of her attention.

"Hey! I was studying! I know the earth revolves around you, but you can't just close my book and expect me to have a quickie with you before dinner! And you didn't do the dishes this morning before class like you promised, so you don't get any until you do them!" She ranted. I smiled sadly and thought about how much I would miss the life we would never get to have.

I could imagine her scolding me for letting our kids have a cookie before dinner, or her and I making more babies. Us buying a house, buying cars, buying fucking groceries I would even miss.

I kissed her cheek and went to do the dishes quietly. For some reason, my temper cooled off when I heard her speak. She was Jesus and I was a storm.

We were sitting down at the table, eating, and Bella was explaining to me some scientific process I mastered a while ago in biology. It was the way she learned, by explaining things to make sure she knew them. I had them down pat and could spot a mistake. She was rambling and eating at the same time, a cute quirk she had. I just nodded and ate my dinner quietly.

"So, then in telophase it breaks into two new daughter cells," she said and smiled, glad she finished explaining mitosis to me. I clapped for her and she laughed. "I'm so glad my day of studying has paid off," she joked. "How were your classes today? Why did that one run late and you couldn't meet me for lunch?"

"Ummm, I didn't go to classes today," I started, deciding to go headfirst into the conversation. Bella stopped chewing and looked up, confused. But this wasn't some sort of light conversation. This wasn't me telling her we had roaches or that I was going to buy some milk instead of water for lunch tomorrow. No, this was the "I'm going to die" talk. They didn't teach this one in any class. They didn't prepare me for this possibility.

I tried to speak; I swear I did, but it was delayed, not coming straight out of my mouth. Finally I managed to get out a quick sentence to postpone the question a little longer. "I went to get some test results from the doctor's office." I said lamely. Bella set down her fork and swallowed.

I hated to do this to her. I saw the worry in her eyes that was always there when someone mentioned the hospital. It was a fear many people had- just a natural instinct that kicks in that tells them this might be bad.

"What kind of test results?" She asked. I looked down at the table and Bella grabbed my hand. "You don't have some STD or something, do you?" She asked with a little panic in her voice. Although I was slightly offended, I knew this was only rational thinking and the fact that I was wishing it was an STD made it slightly funny and I chuckled, much to her dismay.

"No, I wish," I said and she kissed my cheek for me to continue. "No, the doctor was giving me the results of some extra tests he ordered after my last physical." I said very slowly. Bella froze for a minute; I could feel the muscles in her hand and arm tense up, but quickly squeezed my hand for me to go on. "I have cancer," I said and then I looked up at her, seeing if I could gage her feelings.

She took a deep breath, pushing back tears and nodded. "Did you talk to them about chemo?" She asked, looking down at her food.

"Yes, but…" I started hesitantly. I didn't want to just whip the next part out at her, but I knew there wasn't a way around it; she was going to have to find out sooner or later. "I decided against treatment," she looked up at that and had a murderous look on her face. "Love, I know that seems stupid right now, but… I have a terminal cancer. I may only have a year to live. I don't want to spend my last year in a hospital, being poked with needles, and throwing up. I want to be able to enjoy my last months as much as I can."

She was staring at me, shaking her head. "No, you can't. You're only twenty-two. Only teens and old people get terminal cancer," she replied, staring down at her food, deep in concentration. "You can't get terminal cancer." She stated again. She had this pained look in her eyes, the light temporarily leaving them, begging me to let her believe this if only for a night.

"But I do have cancer, love," I said after a minute. I couldn't lie to her like that. As much as I selfishly wanted what she said to be true, I couldn't make myself lie to her. I leaned in to hug her. She jumped up and grabbed my plate.

"You don't have cancer," she reiterated, giving me one last look before quickly walking back into the kitchen.

I sighed as Bella got out of the shower where she had been since I told her. She had set the plates down and gone straight into the shower. I sat on the bed waiting for her.

I heard her turn on the hair dryer in the bathroom. She would be a while. I sighed again.

When she did come out of the bathroom, she went straight to bed. All the lights in the apartment were turned off except my bedside lamp. She turned on her side, facing away from me, with the covers pulled up to her shoulders.

I slowly scooted over to her until I was spooning with her. She ignored me. I pulled the covers down slowly until they were down by her waist. I kissed her shoulder and made my way up, past her shoulder, onto her neck, up her neck, and started to kiss right behind her ear.

She moved slightly to give me better access to the spot. I started my trail of kisses over her face and made it to her mouth, kissing it briefly. Her eyes were still closed and she made no move to recapture my lips. I kissed her cheek and rubbed her arm with my hand.

"Love, come on," I whispered on her mouth. She lifted her head up a little bit and I moved the rest of the way to her lips, kissing her. She kissed back this time, her body turning so she was on her back. Her hands went into my hair, pulling me closer.

I shifted my body so I was over her and she spread her legs a little on instinct. I felt her tongue trace my bottom lip and I opened my mouth happily. I didn't fight; I just went along with whatever she wanted.

She pushed me and I rolled over, her rolling on top of me. I loved when she took control. She scooted her hips up until she was almost sitting on me. She scooted around a little and I groaned into her mouth. I felt her smile and she kept on wiggling, making me harder by the second.

I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and tugged it off. I saw she chose not to wear a bra to bed. After letting me appreciate her upper half for a few seconds, Bella leaned forward quickly, kissing the spot right under my ear.

I groaned and felt her hands travel down my chest and push down my boxers while I did the same to her. I felt her moan as she sat back down right on me. She swiveled and ground her hips, sending me over the edge in a matter of minutes, her right behind me.

She collapsed on me and I rubbed her back and kissed her forehead, telling her how much I loved her over and over again until I felt so tired, my eyes just couldn't stay open any longer.