"Full moon." Alice glanced up to see the bright light from the moon, shine through the half open window. "What's your deepest fear, Bella?"
'My deepest fear?'
I cuddled up to her, put my head on her shoulder, pulled the blanket up to my chin. Her cold body pressed against mine, yet I felt the warmth, Maybe it was from my own. "What are you afraid of?" I kept repeating her questions in my head, searching for an answer, coming up empty handed every time.
"We're all meant to shine as children do." She wasn't making any sense, 'shine as children do.' "Bella, do you feel inadequate? Afraid that you're not enough? For Charlie? For me? For, him?" What was she getting at? When I close my eyes all I see is him, still. Frightened of what Alice premonition would hold, I said nothing, because sooner or later she would figure it all out.
"Alice?" She stroked my hair and I could feel her cold lips make contact with my forehead, a trail of wet little kisses coming down my nose. "Hm?" Her haunting beauty, that once had scared me into believing that I wasn't good enough for her, or that I never would be. Because how could such perfection, a creature of such pureness, care for someone so lost and delirious like me, or even love?
'Love' A powerful word indeed. "Have you talked to...?" I didn't dare say his name, in fear of the pain that would surely come rushing at me like sharp razor blades. Cutting through mushy human flesh, white bone showing. And this is where I always start to itch and Alice pulls away.
"I should go." She knew I would protest. "Just stay. Please, stay with me?" Sometimes she would give in. She would stay until sunrise and leave before Charlie's staggering footsteps could be heard from down the hall.
Falling asleep in her arms was at times intimidating, yet comfortable, if a little chilly. I loved those moments, the moments when I would feel 100% loved, like I belonged, like I was content in the world.
When Alice leaves, he enters my dreams and I can't sleep.
"Esme told me to invite you over. Dinner." Dinner at the Cullens, it had been so long. I already knew who would not be there. My life was complete and utter chaos. Everything was out of order.
"I'm a mess, everything's a mess. I can't go." Alices' pale porceleine face beamed in the moonlight. Her pretty skin, against mine. Her cold hands tracing mine, fingernails scraping against backs, sharp teeth drawing blood, tongues fighting for domination.
I can't breathe.
When I open my eyes, she's gone. The only proof that she was ever here are the scratch and bite marks and the dried blood.
I'm sweating, in the middle of November, I lay naked and alone in my bed, longing for her, craving her touch, her scent.
"Oh Alice." How could I ever know if it was love or simply just, sex?
Maybe love just is. It's everything. Because when you've found it, it's yours, forever and if you move, you'll fall.
I had fallen, hard. Whether it was good or bad, I did not know.