Title: Unprotected Sex

Author: Evil Day

Rating: PG-13, there's probably inappropriate language. And of course, mentions of sex.

Series: BLEACH

Pairing: Ichigo x Uryuu

Summary: Absolutely not meant to be taken seriously. It's joke. It's a funny. Roll with it.

Spoilers: Takes place roughly where the anime series is now.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, least of all BLEACH. Kubo-sensei has that distinct pleasure.

All submissions from Evil Day are works of fiction. All characters mentioned are of legal age of consent in the state of California, regardless of the canon age given in the original work. This includes the work itself and any comments posted afterward.

Just something that's all play and no work.

"Ichigo…" Uryuu's voice was soft and barely audible over the sound of Ichigo's video game, which had the redhead contorting himself all over his bedroom floor, trying not to lose to the boss yet again.

"Damn it!" Ichigo stood up suddenly and threw the controller across the room. "What, Uryuu?" Ichigo's rage at the game was now turned full force on the poor Quincy.

Thanking Ichigo's father silently for intentionally purchasing the wireless controller, Uryuu stood up from the mattress where he had been watching Ichigo play. He knew it probably wasn't the best time for this sort of thing, but the strange subject manner had been weighing him down all week, and now he was almost certain that Ichigo had to know.

"I have to tell you something…it's really important." Pushing his square frames up the bridge of his nose, Uryuu braced himself. "I think…I think I'm pregnant."

The sound of Ichigo hitting the wall at full force echoed throughout the house. Most likely the neighborhood, as well.

Uryuu sat back down again. He wasn't entirely sure himself, but as ridiculous as it sounded, there wasn't much left for an explanation.

"Ahhhh…." Ichigo moaned, sprawled out on the floor. "What? You're what?"

Uryuu cleared his throat and sat properly upright, trying his best to maintain a sense of dignity as he spoke.

"Pregnant."

"Wait a minute…" Ichigo rubbed his forehead and sat up, eyeing Uryuu suspiciously. "That's…it's impossible!"

Uryuu remained stiffly upright, twisting his mouth a bit in annoyance. "Don't you think I know that?"

"Then why are you doing this?" Jumping up to his feet, Ichigo clenched his fists at Uryuu. "I'm seriously stressed out about this stupid game!" he yelled, flinging one hand at the television. "Are you just trying to mess with me?"

Uryuu stood up angrily. He'd had enough. He should have known not to come to Ichigo with this, but…Ichigo was the only possibility.

Uryuu's right hand came up swiftly and smacked Ichigo across the cheek, visibly fuming.

Ichigo stepped back and lifted a hand to the smarting skin, eyes wide in disbelief. Uryuu noticed that there wasn't a shred of anger left in the other boy's expression, but he was far too full of rage himself to take it into account.

"How dare you! You didn't even once think about how I felt about it!"

Ichigo stared at Uryuu without blinking, apparently in shock. Uryuu had never raised his voice in such a way, at least not that Ichigo had ever seen.

Uryuu pulled at the hem of his shirt, straightening out the fabric. When he finally spoke again, his tone was low and terrifying at once.

"I don't know how it happened. Well…obviously there's only one way it could have happened. And you and I both know what that means."

Ichigo shook himself into action just fast enough to grab at the bedroom door Uryuu was shutting after himself.

"Wait…what does it mean?"

Uryuu hissed between his teeth. "It means you're the father."

Ichigo's own bedroom door slammed shut in his face. He stood there a long time, trying to decide whether to fall over laughing or crying. In the end, he did neither, and instead stared at the wall, trying to figure out why Uryuu would pull something like this.

"Maybe…it's the game…" Ichigo picked up the controller, digging it from a pile of clothes in the corner. He had been spending an awful lot of time on it, and his relationship with Uryuu had suffered a bit.

Well, perhaps more than suffered. In reality, it had been reduced to 95 percent Uryuu staring at Ichigo's back while he played his game, completely oblivious to the needs or wants of something so dear to him as the Quincy was.

Regardless of what an odd way it seemed to Ichigo to scheme for his attention, he decided he'd better take the hint, lest Uryuu think of something else to try.

Uryuu stood alone in his bathroom, absorbing the silence as it drained him of his anger. Staring at his reflection in the mirror, his mind played over the events that had led him here, storming out of Ichigo's house in anger. Perhaps he'd been too hard on him. It was a shocking piece of information, one that Uryuu had taken at least five or six days to fully absorb. But there wasn't any way around it.

Sighing to himself, he left the bathroom to sit and wait for the furious pounding on the door he knew would be coming fairly soon.

It came faster than he expected, about forty-five minutes after he himself had arrived. He braced himself as he opened the door, only to find something quite unexpected.

For where he had anticipated finding a disheveled and anxious boyfriend, he instead found said boyfriend standing happily at his doorstep, with a smile and a fistful of flowers extended at Uryuu's chest.

Uryuu took the white lilies from Ichigo, feeling somewhat dazed.

"Hello!" Ichigo grinned broadly as he took Uryuu by the waist and kissed him deeply, as though they had been apart for years.

Ichigo broke off the kiss and walked past Uryuu into the apartment, flopping down on the couch. Uryuu watched him go, standing in the doorway for a few confused moments. He finally forced himself to move, walking into the kitchen and finding a vase for the flowers. They really were beautiful, and his favorite kind, as well.

"I can't believe you remembered what kind of flowers I like," he said with a small smile. Maybe this was Ichigo's hardheaded way of apologizing for his initial reaction.

"What do you mean? I do listen to what you say, even if you don't think I do."

Uryuu smiled at Ichigo as he sat beside him on the couch. Immediately Ichigo scooted himself over until they were side to side, and he put his arm around Uryuu's shoulder, pulling him close.

"You know…I think I've been playing that game way too much…how about if we just spend the evening together, you and me. No distractions…okay?" He leaned in close and put his lips against the pale skin of Uryuu's neck.

At first, Uryuu leaned in, enjoying the feel and the scent of Ichigo and preparing to lose himself in it. Something was nagging at the back of his mind, however, and he pulled away from the embrace to look Ichigo in the eyes.

"I don't think we should."

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. In all their time together, that reaction was one he'd never heard from Uryuu.

"Really? Why?" Ichigo asked, honestly confused.

Uryuu bit his lip. "I don't think it's good for the baby."

Ichigo groaned, closing his eyes briefly as he sat back on the couch, taking his arm from Uryuu's shoulders. Rubbing his eyebrows, he sat silent for a few moments before turning back to Uryuu.

"Look…I get it, okay? I haven't been paying any attention to you…I'm really sorry, okay? But please, let's drop the whole pregnant thing. I promise, I'll spend more time with you."

Uryuu felt his eyes narrow, but he said nothing for the moment. Ichigo saw this and scooted away a bit in response. Somehow, he knew that he'd said the wrong thing again. He felt he was rather good at that, as it was fast becoming his forte in the relationship.

"What'd I say?"

Uryuu turned his head away. "You really don't get it."

"What?"

Huffing loudly, Uryuu brought his eyes back to Ichigo's, trying his best to keep his annoyance in check. "I wasn't trying to get you to spend more time with me, although I can't say it wasn't bothering me. But I really am pregnant."

Ichigo considered that before responding. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because I've been feeling really sick lately. Especially in the morning…"

"So? Maybe you're just coming down with something. Just because you feel sick doesn't mean yo-" Ichigo trailed off as Uryuu stood up and walked away into the hall. "Wait! I'm serious!"

He was just about to get off the couch and follow the other boy when Uryuu suddenly appeared again.

"Look." Uryuu held out his hand, and Ichigo got off the couch and walked over to inspect the thing he held.

"…What the hell is this?" Ichigo turned over what appeared to be an odd plastic stick. It was five or six inches long, with a handle and a little window in the side.

"It's a home pregnancy test."

"…How does it work?" Ichigo peered at the thing, wondering how it could tell something so miniscule.

"Well, you have to pee on it, and-"

"Agh! You peed on this?!" Ichigo flung it to the floor, wiping his hand over his jeans.

"Ichigo!" Uryuu bent over and picked up the test from the carpet. "Look, I only peed on this part. I put the plastic cap back on."

"What would even possess you to try something like this?" He hadn't meant to get upset, but Ichigo could feel desperation setting in. He was confused, and nothing was making sense. In fact, things were only getting more confusing, and he was starting to feel distressed.

Uryuu didn't say anything, but Ichigo took hold of his shoulders and moved him so that they were facing each other.

"Come on, Uryuu…I know you wouldn't think of this on your own."

"Orihime…or rather, Matsumoto and Orihime."

"What? When did you talk to them? Oh my god, do they know about this?" The look in Ichigo's eyes told Uryuu he was becoming unglued.

Uryuu nodded. "Well…Orihime had a torn shirt, so I offered to fix it for her. I took it to her apartment on Saturday morning, but I was feeling ill and she offered me some tea…but I…I got sick."

"At Orihime's place?"

"Yes…and then Matsumoto was waiting for me outside of the bathroom. She said it sounded like I was pregnant, and she made me take a test."

Ichigo was gripping Uryuu's shoulders tightly, although he was completely unaware of it. "And then what?"

"I only did it because they wouldn't let me leave until I took it. So…I took it." Uryuu lifted the test stick up and pointed to the little window Ichigo had noticed before. "See? Look…there's two lines. One line means no, and two lines mean yes."

Ichigo snatched the test out of Uryuu's hand, peering into the window for himself. There, as clear as day, were two little pink lines. One was a bit lighter colored than the other, but there was no mistaking it.

Uryuu was pregnant.

"Oh my god." Ichigo handed the test back to his boyfriend, seeing stars. The world suddenly started to spin underneath his feet, and darkness swept in around his vision from out of nowhere and swallowed him alive.

A sharp and sudden shock of cold swiftly brought Ichigo unwillingly back to reality. He was on his back, and he rolled over instantly and got to his knees, wiping water from his face.

"What the hell?" He looked up to find a smirking Uryuu with an empty glass clutched in his right hand.

"Stop being so melodramatic. I'm the one who's pregnant."

"Pregnant…" Everything came rushing back, and Ichigo stood up and ran towards the apartment door, only half aware of what he was doing. Uryuu didn't try to stop him. He thought it was best that Ichigo have some time to get used to the idea.

"Ishida-kun!"

Matsumoto flung open the apartment door and hugged Uryuu tightly. He stiffened, but had been expecting it, having spent time with her last week.

"Hello, Matsumoto-san. Is Orihime here, as well?"

"Of course she is. Come in! How's the baby?"

"Um…" Uryuu wasn't entirely sure how to answer that, so he didn't.

"Oh, Ishida-kun!" Orihime appeared from the hallway and smiled brightly in his direction. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than the last time I was here." Orihime gestured for him to sit, which he did. "I'm not feeling sick anymore."

"Oh, then you must be past that point," Matsumoto said with a grin. She sat down on the couch next to Uryuu and patted his stomach, making Uryuu go red in the face. "It goes away…but look, you're still so skinny!"

"Ah…yes, well…" Uryuu never knew what to say to Matsumoto.

Orihime turned her attention to Uryuu. "Ishida-kun, do you think it's a boy or a girl?"

"Well, I haven't really thought that far yet-"

"Oh, it's a boy!" Matsumoto interjected, too excited to let him finish. "If it's Ichigo's, then it has to be a boy!"

"Oh, right, it is Kurosaki-kun's!" Orihime giggled eagerly. "Hey, Ishida-kun, have you told him yet?"

"Um…" Uryuu mulled over the idea of lying to them. He didn't want them to think Ichigo was a horrible person. "Well…I sort of-"

"You told him." Matsumoto said firmly. "What did he say? Was he happy?"

"Um…" Uryuu was beginning to notice that the answer to every question he was asked so far had been 'Um'. "He…he's still upset, I suppose. We haven't spoken in a few days."

"What!" The two girls spoke in unison. Uryuu looked back and forth between them, gauging their reactions. Matsumoto shook her head disappointedly, while Orihime looked a bit shocked.

"That's awful!" the Shinigami said, putting her hand over Uryuu's. "Well, he's just a silly boy if he can't appreciate what you're going through."

Uryuu thought about that. It had a nice ring to it, and he had been feeling abandoned ever since the events at his apartment a few days earlier.

"True…he didn't believe me at first. Of course…I still don't know if I believe it."

"The test doesn't lie…" Matsumoto said, shaking her finger at him. "Get used to it. Maybe it's because Ichigo's so powerful." She started to laugh, and even Orihime tittered at the comment.

"Yeah, Ishida-kun! Kurosaki-kun's reiatsu is so strong…maybe that's how he was able to get you pregnant!"

"I admit I only made you take the test as a joke. We just wanted to have a little fun with you." Matsumoto smiled at Orihime before continuing. "But if anyone could get another man pregnant, I would have to say it would be Ichigo."

All three of them looked up at the sound of knocking on the front door.

Orihime stood up. "I wonder who that is?"

Matsumoto jumped up and pushed past Orihime, walking purposefully to the door. "I bet I can guess." She opened the door with a stern look on her face, and Uryuu leaned over and looked past her, spying the redheaded disheveled mess he'd expected at his own door a few days ago.

"Is Uryuu here?"

Orihime and Uryuu crowded together on the couch to watch.

Matsumoto frowned. "Yes, he's here, but we're taking good care of him, Ichigo-kun." She pushed the door shut but Ichigo reached out and held it open by placing his palm against the surface.

"Wait! I really need to talk to him. Please?"

Matsumoto looked him up and down. "Uryuu…?" she called back into the apartment. "Ichigo is here. Would you like to talk to him?"

"It's fine…let him in." As much as he enjoyed watching Matsumoto play with him, Uryuu missed him terribly, and also wanted to hear what he had to say for himself.

"Uryuu!" Ichigo practically dove at the other boy, hugging him just as emphatically as Matsumoto had earlier. After letting go, he knelt down on the carpet beside where Uryuu sat and took both of his hands, clasping them tightly in his own. He looked as though he hadn't slept in days. Uryuu concluded that he probably hadn't.

"Uryuu…I'm really sorry. I acted like an asshole…I shouldn't have left you alone for so long. I just…I'm just…I'm okay with it."

"What?" Uryuu hadn't been expecting that.

"I'm okay with you being pregnant, even if it is impossible. It's my fault."

"It is," Matsumoto said, reprimanding him from across the room. "You didn't use protection."

"Eh…" Ichigo looked back to Uryuu, ignoring the comment. "Look, what I'm trying to say is…that I'll be with you, no matter what. I promise I'll take care of you and any children we end up with…okay? Please don't be mad at me."

"Ugh…" Uryuu sighed audibly. "I'm not mad, idiot." He reached out with both arms and hugged Ichigo tightly.

Ichigo stood up, pulling Uryuu off the couch along with him. "How are you feeling? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine." Uryuu made an annoyed face, but underneath it he was rather happy. Ichigo had never been this concerned about his well-being. He wondered if being pregnant didn't have its advantages.

"Hey, Orihime." Uryuu turned and faced the two girls. "Where's the packaging for that test?"

"Um…it's still in the bathroom trash. Why?"

"I need it…I'm going to get one more. I just want to be absolutely sure…you know?"

She nodded, and then turned and ran off to the bathroom. Matsumoto shrugged casually.

"I would lend you one, but I gave you my last one."

Orihime dashed back into the room holding a foil wrapper that was torn open. "Here, Ishida-kun…the brand name is on the side, right here." She pointed to an open flap, and he studied it closely.

"Um…uh…" Uryuu stared at the wrapper, blinking furiously to make sure he was reading it right. "Matsumoto…when did you buy this?"

"Hm? Oh, I've had that one forever. It's a spare…why?"

Uryuu took off his glasses and rubbed at his forehead, sitting down suddenly on the couch.

"What's wrong? Are you hurting? What happened?" Ichigo began to panic, frantically grabbing at Uryuu's shoulders. Uryuu pushed him off in annoyance.

"Oh my god…Matsumoto, this test expired 5 years ago! It's gone bad!"

No one said anything for quite some time.

"E…expired? Those things expire?" Matsumoto was shocked.

Orihime looked at Uryuu. "Oh no! Ishida-kun, does that mean…?"

Uryuu stared at the wrapper, dumbfounded. "It means…I'm not pregnant."

"You're not pregnant?" Ichigo stared at the wrapper himself. "You're…you're not pregnant!"

"Geez, I've never seen him happier," Matsumoto whispered to Orihime, who nodded in agreement. "It kind of takes away the sincerity of everything he said before."

Orihime laughed. "I think he meant it. Kurosaki-kun loves Ishida-kun."

Matsumoto smiled, folding her arms across her stomach. "I know he does. Still…that was fun, wasn't it?" she said with an awful smirk. "What should we do next?"

THE END (HAHA)

Delicious parody fun. I'm taking a break from my Persona 3 fan fiction. It's all angst and sadness…I needed a lift. What's better than crack mpreg?