Another night, another pub, another faceless set of female reproductive organs sitting next to me at the bar. This one was called Samantha. Or was it Sarah? No, no it was definetly Samantha…I think. Oh well, since when are names important? Blonde hair, green eyes, D cups, those are the important facts. At this point in the evening I will admit I had had a bit to drink. Just a few beers, around five or six, and a few shots may have snuck in there while I wasn't looking. I wasn't completely smashed though! I would like to make that clear. I probably couldn't have explained what a cat was but I'm pretty sure I could have picked one out of a line up.

So I start chatting her up, doing the usual lines. "I'm attractive, you're attractive, I'm a doctor. Let's go do the things they tell you not to do in health class." Ok, so those aren't the exact words I use, even when that drunk, but the message is pretty much the same. I'm being a perfect gentleman and she's falling for it. I lean in to kiss her and she doesn't pull away and slap me, that's always a good sign. I ask her if she'd like to go back to my place and check out my coin collection, she says yes, and we leave the bar. That is the last thing I can actually remember. Now if somebody could please explain to me how I went from this lovely scene of me with a beautiful woman to what came next that would be fantastic.

I woke up the next morning to a feeling quite similar to what I would imagine it would be like to have thousands of little weevils running around in your skull making a mess of the place. A pain filled groan escaped my throat as my eyes tried to adjust to the horrible sunlight that filled my apartment. If some Mr. Burns-type alien ever comes round and decides to try to conquer the Earth by blocking out the sun, I think Torchwood should let 'em go. Fuck it, I'll help them. The sun is a terrible bright thing that just hangs there in the sky and makes it possible for the bastard grass and other plant life to grow. Where was I? Oh yeah, waking up.

Finally talking myself into getting out of bed, I wander naked to the bathroom to relieve what amounts to a mini bar's worth of alcohol from my bladder. I wonder back into the bedroom and notice the tufts of blonde hair sticking out from under the covers. Right, time to get the lady of the evening on her way. Now what was her name again? Damnitt! Why can't these birds where name tags? It would make things so much easier. "Hey...sweetheart, time to get up."

The sleeping body let out a tired groan. A surprisingly deep grown. She must be a smoker or something, which is kind of hot. "Come on luv, rise and shine. I have um...I have a meeting to get to." A meeting on a Sunday morning? Not one of my best lies but hopefully this gal is thick enough to buy it. The body shifted slightly but made no progress in getting out of my bed. I finally decided this one might need a bit of force so I grabbed hold of the sheets and threw them off. Now I've seen some pretty odd stuff in my life. Aliens, mutilated bodies, creepy fairy people, but none of that compared to what I saw lying in my bed. In the place where the large breasted woman should be lay a young thin but muscular blonde man. I have always prided myself in my ability to handle tough situations. So what did I do when presented with this unexpected twist? I screamed like a woman, fell backwards, and hit my head on the night stand, knocking myself unconscious.