DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter

A/N: This is what happens when Remus decides to leave Tonks. The second part of this is Apologies and Acceptances, so read that after this one.

It's For Your Own Good

What had he done? He should never have married her in the first place. He had known what would happen to her when she married him but he had allowed her to convince him that she didn't care what everyone else would think. "Let them talk," she had said. " We're happy and if they don't like it they can lump it." And Remus had gone along with it to save argument.

Her parents were more than disgusted with their marriage. They had wanted their only daughter to marry someone with a job and a place to live. But what had Tonks done? Married a werewolf who had not a knut to his name who was more than ten years her senior! And the result of their marriage was that she was now pregnant.

Remus' and Tonks' unborn child was going to be an outcast. Remus had already known what would happen if his wife ever got pregnant. Shunned from society because its father was a werewolf, not to mention a member of the Order of the Phoenix. There was only one thing left for Remus to do. It would be better for everyone that way. He would have to leave Tonks and their baby. To never see them again.

Remus heaved himself out of his armchair that sat beside the fire in the small living room of Tonks' flat and walked with regret to the bedroom they shared together. He busied himself by grabbing his suitcase from the top of his wardrobe and stuffing his meagre belongings into it. Then he carefully picked up his favourite photo of Tonks and gently laid it on top of his clothes in his case. He closed the lid and started hunting for ink, quill and parchment. Eventually he found some in a kitchen drawer. He spread the parchment on the small table top, dipped his quill in the ink pot and poised it over the parchment, thinking of what to write.

He wanted to write his reasons for having to turn his back on her but she already knew them. When she had told him she was expecting their baby he had simply stared at her, eyes wide with shock and fear and his breath coming in shallow gasps. Remus couldn't understand why his wife had been so happy. After all, she was married to a werewolf, pregnant with a half-werewolf and in the middle of a war. She had had to quit her job at the Ministry as they went into hiding after Dumbledore's funeral. So when she told him she was pregnant, he couldn't understand her reaction at all.

It had been the day before Bill and Fleur's wedding and Tonks had literally been bouncing up and down in her seat with excitement and clapping her hands enthusiastically. Her hair was changing rapidly colour from red all the way through the colour spectrum before finally settling on her favourite shade of bubble-gum pink, the colour she always wore when she was in a great mood.

"Isn't this just perfect, Remus? We're having a baby!"

Remus had struggled to form the words that were in his brain with his mouth. After what seemed like an eternity he managed to say, "No, Dora. This is not perfect!" He had choked on his words as he said them.

Tears had sprung into her eyes and her hair had changed colour from pink to a dull brown faster than you could say 'hippogriff'.

"What do you mean, Remus? This is our baby. Nothing should make you more happy than the news that you are going to be a father! Remember James? You told me that he was the proudest man to ever have walked the earth the day he found out Lily was pregnant. What about this isn't perfect, Remus?"

She had stopped clapping and became suddenly tense in her chair whilst she waited for him to answer. When he didn't say anything she said his name again, coaxing him into speech.

"You have to understand, Dora! Amongst the Order I am just another man with a problem but out in the real world I'm considered to be worse than an infestation of Bundimun. The world can't wait to be rid of me! I've had to live like that for nearly all of my life! Hated because I was turned into something against my desire!" Remus was on his feet, shouting down at his wife who looked terrified. "You know how much I despise myself for what I am but still I live with it, put up with it in the hope that one day someone will find a cure and I will be able to live a normal life again!"

Tonks had gotten to her feet and rested her hands on his heaving shoulders. "Remus, don't say that. You are a who, not a what. If we win this war against You-Know-Who, you will be accepted by everyone for who you are. Considered a hero, someone dedicated to protecting his friends and family. Our baby will grow up in a world that will accept him and love him for what he is. They'll look at our family and say that we deserve to be happy after everything we've been through."

Remus could hardly take in what he was hearing. He reached up and pulled at his hair, screwing his eyes shut so that he wouldn't have to look at her sympathetic face. He knew it was no use arguing with her. She was one of the most stubborn people he knew: it was this that made her not give up when he had repeatedly pushed her away. It would be better if he just agreed with her and went along with it so he said, "I - we -," he had hesitated before saying, "Ok, we'll have the baby. That's - that's good news."

She hadn't looked entirely convinced by his sudden change of mind but she hadn't been able to resist grinning at him at she put her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately on the lips, which always made any resistance on his behalf melt away instantly.

Dragging himself back to the future, Remus wrote:

Dora,

It pains me to write this as you can probably tell from the state of my writing. I promised you on our wedding day that I would love you 'till death do us part and I will always stand by that promise. What I can not do is stay with you, knowing what I am and what I may have done to our unborn child, risking your lives every month at the full moon. That is why I must leave.

I don't expect you to forgive me for leaving you but if ever do, I want you to know that I am undeserving of it. I am unworthy of you love, sympathy and forgiveness. But most of all, I am unworthy of you, who has shown me nothing but love and dedication.

I will always love you, from the bottom of my heart,

Remus.

As he read back over his letter, he knew it wasn't much and didn't even begin to explain what he was feeling inside but it was better than nothing. He knew that if he ever saw Tonks again, she would scream and rage at him for as long as she could before she softened at his touch and embrace him.

He put his quill on the table and picked up the sheet of parchment, fanning it in the air to let the ink dry as he walked back to the bedroom. He laid the parchment on his wife's pillow where he was sure she would see it when she got back from her mothers. Remus then pulled out his wand, pointed it at his case and said, "Reducio!" His suitcase shrank in size until it was about the size of a small book. He shoved it into the pocket of the travelling cloak that was already fastened around his throat. He looked once more around the bedroom before turning on the spot and Disapparating from the flat.

He reappeared in a dark underground passageway that he knew well. It was where he went each month to transform into the wild animal, away from innocent wizard's and Muggle's alike. It bore the unmistakable signs of having been savagely attacked by an angry werewolf. Whenever he came down here to transform he always put up protective spells at either end of the passage so that no one would discover him and he couldn't escape.

Knowing that he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else again gave Remus a small amount of comfort which encouraged him to believe that he was definitely doing the right thing. Instead, he would scratch and bite himself to distract himself from the wanton need of human flesh, punishing himself for ever having loved Tonks in the first place.

Remus knew that he must stay in his underground hide-out for as long was possible. It was the full moon tomorrow night and he would need several days rest before he was strong enough to do anything. He settled himself down for the night, determined to get as much sleep as he could but it was not easy when you were laying on cold stone in a draughty passage.

***

Remus lay panting on the floor, face pressed into the stone wall. Every part of his body screamed in agony as he shivered uncontrollably with cold and fatigue. He was curled up into a naked ball of pain, his clothes in a heap a few feet away. He had taken them off before his transformation like he always did, needing to keep his only clothes in tact.

It had been his first transformation for several months without the effects of the Wolfs Bane potion and he had forgotten how painfully terrifying it could be. As his breathing returned to normal and his shivering became less violent, Remus staggered to his feet and pulled on his tattered clothes, then collapsed back onto the floor, his back resting against the wall.

He knew he was bleeding: he had scratched himself repeatedly across his face and chest and had gnawed on his leg, trying to satisfy his need but he didn't care. He let the blood mingle with his tears or rage and grief. His body shook with his anger: anger at Greyback, at Lord Voldemort and anger at himself. He knew that what Tonks had often said about him not being able to help being who he is was true but he still couldn't stop from hating his life. He was the only Marauder left. The others had fallen at the hands of Voldemort or his Death Eaters. All except Wormtail. Peter Pettigrew was alive and working for Voldemort, helping to plan the death of Harry Potter.

Harry was only seventeen years of age and already he was out there fighting for his life. He had faced Voldemort more times than any other full-grown wizard. As Remus trembled with mixed emotions he thought of the last thing Dumbledore had said to him and Kingsley: "Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him." Suddenly, it was like a light had been switched on in his head.

Of course! Dumbledore left Harry a task, he thought. Surely James would want me to go with him, to protect him? And there's no doubt that Ron and Hermione will be with him, too.

And so whilst Remus rested and recovered his strength, he wondered where Harry could possibly be. Grimmauld Place? Surely not! Snape can get in there.

But it was worth a try.

And so it was a full week before Remus was strong enough to venture from his place of safety. He lifted the protective spells from both ends of the passageway before Disapparating to a lonely part of London. Unfortunately, he had Apparated right into the midst of a Death Eater. Finally, after much struggling and three days of being followed, Remus managed to curse him before turning on the spot and being sucked into the suffocating darkness, thinking carefully of the door step of number 12, Grimmauld Place.

***

Who the hell did Harry think he was, telling me I should never have left my wife and child? Remus punched the wall of his hiding place, trying to relieve some of his anger. He doesn't understand! He curled his hand into a fist once more and punched the stone wall of the passageway again.

As soon as the door to number 12 had snapped shut he had Disapparated back to the passage that was already starting to feel like a safe haven and a home. He didn't care that his knuckles were starting to bleed and swell with alarming rapidity. All he cared about what channelling his fury to a part of his body that wasn't his heart.

Doesn't Harry understand that I left Dora to protect her? When he had voiced his opinion to Harry, Ron and Hermione that he left so that his child wouldn't have to be ashamed of him, the latter had asked how any child could ever be ashamed of him. Remus had wanted to believe that she was right but Harry had confessed that he would be.

Remus had felt as though he had been slapped across the face. Harry had continued to verbally slap him until Remus couldn't take it any more. He had blasted Harry backwards with a flick of his wand before turning on his heel and running as fast as his leg would allow him back up the stairs that led to the kitchen. He had heard Hermione calling after him but he had no desire to turn around and go back to them.

His anger was starting to fade now. His breathing was jagged from the pain in his hand as he settled himself back on the floor. He pulled out his case and wand, muttering "Engorgio" so that his case returned back to its usual size. Then he pointed his wand at his knuckles and said, "Episky!" He felt his hand heal so he reached into his case and pulled out his photograph of his wife. As he looked down at her laughing face, warmth flooded through his body, wiping away the last traces of ill-feeling from his body.

Harry's right, he thought to himself. James would hate me for leaving Dora. But how can I go back now?

Guilt settled over him as he thought of how much pain and misery she must be going through. He had left her to protect her from himself and others but he had paid no attention to the pain she would be giving herself over his disappearance. She would mentally beat herself up, convince herself that he never did love her and believe that every word he had ever said was a pack of lies.

But no matter how much he tried to tell himself otherwise, the truth of the matter was that he loved her more than anything in the world. He wanted to always make her happy and feel wanted. For her to know that he would always be with her. He wanted her in his arms, to hear her sigh his name in his ear as he made love to her.

Tears dripped from the end of his straight nose as he looked at his beautiful wife. She was laughing at something he had said about a week before their wedding. She had been trying to decide what colour she should wear her hair for their big day. They had been sat in the living room, Remus snapping pictures of her whilst she looked into a hand-held mirror, squeezing her eyes shut whilst her hair changed style.

"What do you think? Should I wear it brown, long and wavy? Or short, neat and blonde?"

Remus had laughed out loud when she had said that. "Does it really matter? It'll only turn pink anyway!"

She had burst out laughing whilst he took yet another picture of his adorable wife-to-be. She tripped forwards into his arms as he stood up to catch her. She had wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist as he carried her to the bedroom.

The memory of that day made Remus smile. He hadn't thought that he could ever be as happy as he had been that day but he was wrong. He had finally understood what James had meant when he knew that Lily Evans was the one for him.

He sighed as he dried his face on his shabby sleeve. I should go back to her. But once again, Harry was right, just like always. I'm too much of a coward to face her parents, let alone Dora herself! I'll think about it. Give it a little while to prepare myself for the oncoming wrath of Nymphadora Lupin.

Smiling again, Remus lay on his side on the cold floor of the passageway, propping the photo up against the wall. He watched as she continued to laugh silently before he fell into an uneasy sleep.

***

It was a further two months before Remus made his decision. During that time he had scavenged newspapers, food and drink to sustain himself, always returning to the deserted passageway where he spent long hours contemplating his return back home.

Getting ready to leave, Remus packed his photo of Tonks and the newspapers he had stolen into his case. When he had lifted the protective spells for the last time, he Disapparated into directly into her flat in the North of England. He was beginning to wonder whether his wife would be at home or at her mothers when he heard crying coming from the bedroom. He put his case on the floor and slowly pushed open the door.

Tonks was laid on the bed, sobbing into his pillow. Her shoulders were heaving with every anguished sob she let out and never before had he felt so guilty in all of his life. The woman he had promised his heart and soul to was tearing herself up over him. And in that moment, he knew that he should never have left her and that his place was to be at her side, supporting her through her pregnancy.

"Dora? It's me. I - I'm back."

A/N: Leaving Tonks was one of the biggest mistakes of his life, but at least he went back and had what little happiness he could before he died. I'm still not happy that he was taken away from his son and wife, just as he started to appreciate life.

Fresh Water Plimpy =]