When he entered her room he saw her sitting on her bed, head bowed, her arms hung limply at her sides. He knew she was aware of him, she was the most perceptive woman he had ever met, but she did not move or speak. "I don't know what to say, but I am here," he said quietly. He really didn't know what to say. He had never wanted or needed to comfort someone before, much less someone who had been through the horrors of what she had witnessed a few hours earlier. He stood there awkwardly, wondering if he should leave. He looked at the floor and then back at her, she still did not speak. Perhaps she also did not know what to say, what could she possibly say? He tried to put himself in her shoes, what would he want if he lost his mother in such a way? He did not remember his mother, he had lost her but he had never felt the pain of that fact. There was no face, no memories to to taunt him. Shaking his head in frustration, he knew that once again he did not have the appropriate memories to tell him how to relate to her. He would have to go on instinct alone.
His gaze had wandered as he tried to decide what to do. Looking at her again, he wasn't sure if she would be able to take care of herself, she seemed as if the Void itself had swallowed her mind. He felt fear piercing his heart at the thought. He must not lose her! He did not deserve her himself, but she deserved happiness and to be cared for. With that he decided to stay and attend to her the best he knew how. "I will return shortly," he told her before quickly walking out and down the stairs. He knew which room was Bodahn's and he knocked quietly. The dwarf answered, his eyes red and puffy. "Yes serrah?" he inquired, his voice hoarse. "I'm sorry to disturb you," Fenris began, "but Hawke needs a bath drawn." "Yes of course," Bodahn replied before he walked briskly by Fenris, as if happy to have something to do to help his mistress.
Fenris returned to Hawke's room where he quickly and quietly took off the bulk of his armor and laid it outside the door before going to her and gently removing her gauntlets, her hands limp and cool in his. Then he unbuckled her shoulder pieces and chest plate. He knelt at her feet and gently loosened the laces of each boot before slipping them off and rising, he added them to their pile of armor in the hallway. While he had started getting Hawke ready, Bodahn and Sandal were filling the tub with hot water. Fenris barely noticed them, he was so focused on Hawke. Hoping that she would respond in some small way. He saw no movement, no spark of life in her eyes. He gently worked her arms out of her shirt and lifted it over her head before examinging her arms and torso for any wounds that might need healing. There was some bruising and a few superficial cuts, but nothing that concerned him. He had just managed to slip her out of her trousers when the he heard the murmur of voices downstairs. Bodahn and Sandal were here of course, but the house had been silent since they had finished filling the tub and picked up the pile of armor in the hallway. He heard quick footsteps on the stairs before the door flew open and Anders rushed in. He stopped short at the sight of Fenris, kneeling in front of the almost naked Hawke, examining a cut on her leg. Fenris had been fairly sure who it was that felt the need to see to Hawke as he did. He caught sight of Aveline behind him and wondered at her presence.
"You! What are you doing here? What are you doing to her?" Ander's demanded in a seething whisper. Fenris did not want to argue over Hawke, especially not now. "This is not your concern," he said simply. "It is my concern! You left her, you broke her heart and here you are trying to take advantage of her!" He still spoke in the same harsh whisper, as if somehow Hawke would not hear him. Fenris felt the lyrium in his veins start to warm and glow. "Aveline, Anders needs to leave. Now." he said quietly. Aveline took Anders by the arm but he shook her off and said softly this time "She needs healing, let me heal her at least." "It's nothing a healing draught won't cure. The rest of her healing you cannot help her with." Fenris replied. Anders stood rigid and glared at Fenris. Aveline took his arm again, "Come on Anders, Fenris will take good care of Hawke. It's what she would want." The last sentence seemed to finally hit home, and Anders' head drooped. He sighed turning toward the door; looking over his shoulder at Hawke. Fenris could see the longing in his eyes for her to call to him. He walked out with Aveline and she shut the door behind him.
Fenris turned back to Hawke, she was only in her underclothes now and although he's seen her naked before, he felt ill at ease with this last step of undressing her in the state she was in. He pushed his uneasiness away and took off her breast band in an efficient manner before helping her to rise and walk to the tub. There he helped her out of her underwear before trying to get her to step into the tub. But she wouldn't lift her leg, she barely moved at all. He took her in his arms and gently sat her in the tub. He knelt at the side of the tub, looking at her face for a moment and wondering where she was. If she was torturing herself, or if she was simply...gone. He pushed such thoughts away as he grabbed the cloth and soap Bodahn had left on a table beside the tub. He washed her hair, taking his time to ensure all the gore and dirt of the day had been cleansed from it. He tried not to enjoy himself, but he loved the silkiness of her long, black hair and the smell of her soap. It smelled of a variety of spices he couldn't identify, but he always associated it with her. He pulled himself together and started to wash her face, gently, careful not to get any soap in her dark, brown eyes. At the moment they were vacant, but he recalled the sweetness and mirth he usually found in them. The light that had called to his heart and entrapped him so fully. Her lips were slightly parted, he loved that she never covered them with some unnatural color like many women did. They were a beautiful pinkish red as they should be; her top lip delicate, her bottom always slightly ragged from her habit of chewing on it when deep in thought. She unknowingly tortured him whenever she did that, he thought with a small smile.
He washed the rest of her, stopping to take some time at her feet, massaging them. He looked up to see her eyes had closed, her breathing deep and regular. "Dammit!" he thought to himself. He didn't want to wake her, but he needed to get her out of the tub, as the water was starting to get cold. There was nothing to do but once again lift her in his arms. He sat her on his lap while he grabbed a towel and dried her off. Her eyes had opened slightly, but were already drooping closed again. He draped the large towel over her, sitting her on the bed while he looked in her wardrobe for a nightgown. He helped her into it, before lifting her to her feet again so he could pull back the covers. In the first movement she had made by herself that evening, she laid down with her face in the pillow. He covered her with the blankets and stepped back, unsure of what to do next. He started walking to the door, intending to leave and come back in a few hours after he had bathed and slept a little. "Don't leave," a whisper came from the bed. He stopped, a little stunned; he thought sure she was sleeping. "I'll be back soon," he said. "Don't leave," she said again. "If that is your wish." He sat in a chair by the door. She sat up in her bed and he stood, going to her. "Go back to sleep," he said gently, looking deep into her eyes, trying to see what was driving her to demand his company. She clung to him and he gently pried her off saying, "I'm wet and filthy Hawke, you just bathed, please go to sleep." "Go then, but promise me you'll be here when I wake up." "I promise." She lay back down and he covered her again, this time he leaned down and kissed her forehead before he turned and left.
When he arrived home, Fenris knew immediately as he walked in the door, that someone else was there. He drew his sword before he heard Anders' voice, "It's just me Fenris." "What do you want?" Fenris questioned him tiredly, lowering, although not sheathing his sword. "I just wanted to know how she is. If you've noticed any improvement." Fenris sheathed his sword and walked toward Anders. He was sitting on a bench in the corner of the foyer. "She spoke and moved on her own a little bit. Now will you please leave?" "What did she say?" "Nothing that concerns you." Fenris stated coldly, standing a couple feet away, his arms crossed. "She would not be safe with you, you've said it yourself, you need to leave her be." he continued. "She obviously wasn't safe with you either! And yet there you are in her chambers acting as if you care about her!" Anders replied, his voice rising. "You have no idea how I feel about her, OR why I left, therefore you should keep your mouth shut mage!" Fenris was practically hissing at Anders, his lyrium tattoos, once again lighting. Fenris closed his eyes, trying to gain control, it would not do to bring more grief to Hawke by hurting Anders, no matter how much he disagreed with her on the mage's intentions. "Please leave." he said in a tightly controlled voice, the light from his tattoos fading. When he opened his eyes, Anders was gone from the bench and he heard the click of the front door closing.
Fenris desperately felt the need for a bath, but he heated only one pot of water and scrubbed and rinsed himself with it. He selected a shirt and trousers from the few he had and slipped them on. Grabbing an apple he left his house for Hawke's, arriving within a few minutes, apple eaten, and quickly climbing the stairs to her room. She opened her eyes at the gentle click of the door closing behind him and he wondered if she had been awake the whole time he was gone. He sat quietly in the chair by the door. She continued to stare at him and he gazed back at her, trying to read her thoughts. The full moon brought plenty of light to the room and he saw the first tear slip down her face, dropping with a soft plop onto the mattress. He stopped breathing for a moment as he saw more and more tears falling from her eyes as she stared at him. Relying on his gut reaction, he went to her; crawling into bed next to her he cradled her in his arms, feeling her hot tears dampening his shirt. She began to sob in earnest, her body shaking with the force of her grief. He held on to her and she twisted his shirt in her hand, her whole body tense. It seemed half a lifetime, but slowly her weeping began to subside, and finally she lay limp with exhaustion in his embrace and fell to sleep.
When Fenris awoke, sunlight was flooding the room. At first he wasn't sure where he was and he tensed about to jump out of bed before he remembered and relaxed, hoping his slight movement had not woken Hawke. He looked down at her, she looked intensely beautiful to him, curled up with her forehead touching his chest, her hair mussed about her face. He felt his heart contract as he saw her eyelashes flutter and she looked up at him with a questioning smile on her face. Then he saw the memories come crashing down on her and her smile faded. She hid her face in his chest again for a long moment before pushing herself away and laying her head on her folded arms. Her eyes were sad, but he thought she looked...present, alive.
"I'm sorry you had to see me like that last night," she said quietly. He saw the shame on her face, and answered, "You had...have, a lot to grieve for...you don't always have to be so strong." She sat up and gave him a meager smile, "Thank you for being here for me Fenris, I really do appreciate it. I know it must have been hard for you." "I...," he paused, unsure how to respond. "You're welcome," he said finally, watching her with his inscrutable eyes. "Are you hungry?" he asked, trying to change the subject. "Yes. And I'm sure Bodahn has cooked up a feast in hopes of tempting my appetite," she said with her trademark smirk, where she gave just a slight twist of the lips. He smiled back at her as she climbed out of bed. He felt his heart finally calm as he realized she would be okay, she would remain herself. She would not let the monster who had killed her mother murder her as well.