Thin Mints and Tagalongs
"Roy's gotten a lot better you know, I have to remind him these days to take those pills, rather then him asking every twenty minutes when he gets his next one. It's refreshing", Ollie said in a contented voice. Bruce nodded and smiled. He was happy that his old friend was getting along better with his ward.
Things hadn't been going well before, with Roy's addiction and all, but now the boy looked happy and healthy, giggling maliciously upstairs with Dick. Bruce wondered what they were plotting. "Yea", Ollie continued, "he's still a little insecure and all, but I figure he'll get out of that soon." Bruce nodded again. Then, he felt something hard hit the back of his neck.
"Ouch", he said, rubbing his neck. He heard furious giggles of delight from upstairs and the sounds of feet rushing away. "I can hear you", he called out.
"What did they throw?" Ollie asked.
"I don't know", Bruce replied, and he reached behind him to pick up a paper airplane with a bashed in nose from impact. He opened it. "It just says, check you calendar. I don't know what that could mean." He turned on his phone and scrolled down to the day in his little awesome calendar phone thingy. "Hmm, it's national, give a cat a hug day, too bad I don't have a cat, but that can't be what Dick means. I don't know what else except…"
Suddenly, Bruce's eyes grew wide and he leapt up. He dove behind the couch with a yelp and crouched down, peering out from over the rim like a mouse watching a cat. Ollie could hear shrieks of laughter from upstairs. "What are you doing Bruce? What's got you all ticked?"
"It's…It's…the start of the season", Bruce said in an almost paranoid sounding voice.
"What season", Ollie asked, still dumbfounded.
"For the girl scouts, it's…the cookie selling season", he said ominously. Ollie gave a shocked laugh.
"What is up with you Bruce", he said, "you're the Dark Knight of Gotham, please don't tell me you're afraid of a couple of little girls and their cookies."
"Not just any girls, girls that bring with them death, infecting perfectly healthy homes with their sinister thin mints, their alluring tagalongs and their ever potent…lemonades." Ollie frowned, absolutely unbelieving of what he was hearing.
"They're impossible to resist", Bruce continued in small, obsessed sounding voice, "I gained one hundred pounds one year on those cookies. Those were dark times Oliver, dark times. They have a contest. They come to my house every year, hundreds of them, to get me to buy they're cookies."
"They're like the plague, they spread to wherever you go. You can't escape their happy smiling faces, their red wagons filled to the brim with shortbreads and peanut butter delights. Ohh, the horror!"
"I think you're overreacting a bit Bruce", Ollie said, "seriously, they're girl scouts, I buy cookies every year. They're just cute little girls selling stuff for a fund raiser." Bruce gave him a disgusted frown.
"Get out", he said softly.
"Excuse me", said Ollie.
"Get out", Bruce repeated, "get out of my sight you deplorable, cookie buying creature. You support their franchise; you help spread their evil." Ollie rolled his eyes.
"Come on Roy", he said, "time to go."
"Aww, come on", said Dick, "can't Roy stay a little longer?"
"Sorry", said Ollie, "but I think Bruce is having a little break down so it would be best if we just left, quickly." Roy nodded his head and came down the stairs, stopping at Ollie's side like a faithful dog. He was obedient, he was always obedient. If he was obedient, Ollie would never stop loving him again, so he had to be obedient.
"Come on Roy", Ollie said, sounding tired, "lets go."
"I'll see you around", Dick said. Roy nodded and waved goodbye. Dick turned back to Bruce, who was curled up in a fetal position behind the couch. He rolled his eyes and went downstairs to the game room to play Call of Duty for a while and clear his head.
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The next day, Dick was lying on the couch with his I-pod in his ears. It was after school, things were dull, and Bruce was in bed. Dick had asked three separate times to go somewhere, but Bruce had replied no all three times, saying he didn't want to risk exposure. Dick thought he could be so stupid sometimes.
Dick rolled over on his belly, his tennis shoes spreading mud on the upholstery, and closed his eyes to the sound of hard, loud rock. Bruce came into the room, stretching and yawning. He was still in his boxers and with his hair tussled, he looked as if he had just gotten up.
Dick glanced up and asked, "Can we go somewhere now?"
"I already told you Dick", Bruce said insistently, "I'm not going out." Alfred came in, casually dusting as he milled about.
"Alfred", Dick called, "can you tell Bruce he's being stupid, please, he won't listen to me." Alfred looked up mildly from where he had been working and frowned.
"Would you mind putting on some pants at least master Bruce?"
"This is my house", Bruce replied haughtily, "I can do what I want when I want? I'm probably going back to bed in a few minutes anyway." Alfred rolled his eyes and continued with his dusting. Just as he was about to ask Dick to take his muddy shoes off the couch, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it", Bruce yawned.
"Put some pants on", Dick yelled.
"No", Bruce called back defiantly. He opened the door and gave a high scream, jumping back. Both Alfred and Dick craned their necks to see what was going on. They saw two young girls standing on the porch, looking mildly intimidated. That was to be expected, however, considering the fact that they were faced with a large, muscular man in a small pair of boxer shorts, looking rather nervous in the doorway.
"Hello sir", the bolder of the two girls said, stepping foreward, "would you like to buy some cookies?" Bruce backed up for a moment, looking frightened. But, pulling from the reserve of Batman courage he had, he puffed out his chest and stepped foreward.
"Do you know what's in those cookies?" he asked in a soft deadly voice. "Well, umm", the first girl said, looking kind of frightened, "some of them have peanut butter."
"I'll tell you what's in those cookies", Bruce replied sinisterly, "calories, carbohydrates, fats, oils and a whole lot of sugar. How dare you try to poison me", he said, his voice rising to a yell, "you try to infect me with those things, those snack foods from hell, those monstrosities, you horrible small beasts in innocent looking pigtails. Get away." These last words he screamed at the top of his lungs and both girls ran away screaming.
Bruce gave a self-satisfied snort and walked back inside. "See", he said, "that's how you deal with these people."
"You are so weird", Dick said, putting his earphones back in his ears. Alfred continued with his dusting. However, Bruce was mistaken in believing the conflict was over. The doorbell rang a second time, about a minute and a half later. Bruce again answered the door and was met with the site of another girl.
"Look buddy", she said, "you like totally scared my little sisters so you should like, buy some cookies." Bruce looked her over. She was wearing a black mini skirt, thick black eyeliner and black hair, which was cropped short.
"Aren't you a little old to be a girl scout?" Bruce asked.
"No", the girl replied sarcastically, spitting her gum out on Bruce's doorpost. "Now, come on and buy some thin mints or something so I can like blow this Popsicle stand."
"Sorry", Bruce said, sounding nervous again as he realized he could not intimidate this girl so easily, "I'm not interested in what you're selling, I'm going to stay healthy."
'Whatever", the girl said, "hey, but you're kinda cute, you gotta girl friend?"
"What are you like eleven?" Bruce asked.
"Twelve", the girl replied, annoyed, "now come on, buy some lemonades. They're delicious." Bruce started to tremble in place for a moment as he hand began to reach out for the pen.
But, at the last possible second, he said, "no, no, I will not yield to your dark temptations, get away from me demon's spawn." He shrieked these last words and slammed the door in the girl's face, rushing away to hide behind the couch.
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Over the next hour and a half, Bruce hid behind the couch, covering himself in an armor of kitchen bowels and plates with a strainer on his head. "You look so stupid Bruce", Dick said.
"If the Flash can wear one", Bruce replied, "then so can I." Every time he heard the doorbell ring, he took one of his large battleaxes and heaved it at the wooden entryway. Each time, he was rewarded with the terrified squeals of frightened girls and the pattering of feet as they rushed away.
Just as Dick was about to suggest Bruce should go back to bed, the doorbell rang again. Choosing his best axe, Bruce heaved as hard as he could and crouched back behind the couch again. The axe had gone through the door and was sticking out on the other side.
But, instead of a high scream, he heard a lower sounding yelp. Confused, he slowly raised himself up from behind the couch and peered at the door like it was some kind of entry to a dragon's den. "Bruce Wayne, you almost sent an axe through my head", he heard an angry voice say.
Bruce gave a relieved sigh and said, "Ohh, it's just you Lucius, hold on." Bruce opened the door to admit his old friend. Lucius had been surveying the axe holes in the door but now turned his attention to Bruce, standing in the doorway.
"I don't want to know", he said, "I don't want to know. Anyway, I thought we had a scheduled meeting to talk about the company and here you are, in your boxers and a strainer."
"I'll just go and get dressed then", Bruce said, starting to walk out.
"That is more of that man then I ever needed to see", Lucius said to Dick. Dick nodded.
Lucius opened his brief case and said, "Ohh Bruce, since all you ever seem to have around here is healthy food, I thought I'd bring us over a snack. I hope you like Tagalongs." Bruce froze in place and turned around slowly, fire lighting his eyes.
Then, he gave a wild whoop and rushed Lucius. The businessman was so surprised, he remained frozen in place. Bruce grabbed the cookies from Lucius's hand and threw them to the ground.
He brought his battle axe down on them, over and over again until the box was in pieces and the cookies were tiny crumbs on the ground. "There", he said, "all better. I'll just go get dressed so we can discuss things." He walked out, looking as if he had just conquered some mighty enemy.
"What the hell", Lucius said, "he crushed my cookies. They're overpriced as it is and he just squished an entire box." Dick gave a sigh.
"That's what happens to all cookies who enter this house. They're marked souls as soon as they pass the threshold." The doorbell rang again and before anyone could do anything, a battle axe went sailing through the air.
Alfred, Dick and Lucius heard the bang of the wood, the screams and pattering of feet. "That man has issues", Lucius said.
"Tell me about it", Dick replied. Alfred just stalked over grumbling, to vacuum up the remains of Bruce's latest victims.
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Roy was sprawled out on his bed, playing his PSP. It was his only gaming system left, after Ollie had lost his fortune, but Roy didn't mind. He was just happy to be home again. Ollie came over from the living room and leaned against the doorframe, casually watching his ward play.
"Hey Roy", he said. Roy looked up.
"Yea", he asked.
"How about we get a movie or something, I'm kinda board."
"You're not going out tonight?" Roy asked.
"Nah", said Ollie, "the city can take care of itself for one evening. Anyway, I thought you and I might hang out for a bit, get a movie, eat fatty food."
"Ok", said Roy, putting the game down. Ollie came over and sat next to him on his bed.
"What do you want to see?" Ollie asked. Roy shrugged.
"Whatever you want to see", he replied smoothly. Ollie raised his eyebrows.
"You know Roy, I'm kinda getting sick of you agreeing with me on everything. It's getting really irritating."
"I'm sorry I'm irritating you", Roy said quickly, "I'll try harder."
"How about you just stop trying", Ollie said, "come on, I want the old, sassy, irritating Roy back."
"Ohh", Roy said softly, "do you really want me back the way I was before, when I annoyed you so much?"
"Yes", said Ollie, "yes I do. You were much more interesting back then."
"Well", said Roy, "I guess I can go back to being like that, if you want me to."
"Atta boy", Ollie said happily, clapping him on the shoulder, "now, what do you wanna see?"
"Well", Roy replied, looking up shyly at Ollie, "there was that new Saw that just came out. But, I know you don't like those kinds of movies", he added quickly. Ollie reached over and put his arm around Roy, capturing him in a headlock and ruffling his hair.
"If you want to watch guys get cut up into little pieces, I will sit right next to you and pretend to be enjoying myself." He released the boy and said, "come on, lets go before they run out of copies because it would be horrible if that happened."
"Then we'd have to watch that movie you like", Roy said sassily, feeling some of his old spirit returning, "you know, that boring war movie. Gee, Ollie, you're so old." Ollie grinned at him and put an arm around his shoulders.
"There's my Roy", he said affectionately, "there he is."
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Ollie and Roy were totally engrossed in Saw by about midnight, slowly shoveling popcorn into their mouths with eyes glued to the screen. Just as the climax of the film was occurring (whatever that is, I've never watched a Saw in my life) Roy heard a strange sound. He cocked his head. It was gone. But, he could have sworn he had heard something, a creaking window maybe. There it was again, like someone was coming into the apartment.
"Hey Ollie", he said, poking his mentor. Oliver jumped and swore quietly.
"Don't do that!" he snapped.
Roy shrank a little and Oliver, seeing his mistake asked more gently, "What?"
"Did you hear that?" Roy asked.
"Hear what", Ollie asked.
"That creaking", Roy replied, "like someone was opening the window. Do you think someone's in here with us?" he asked timidly.
"You've just gone crazy with all this cutting and stuff. It's nothing," Ollie replied with a dismissive wave of the hand. Roy nodded. He supposed Ollie was right. They continued watching the movie and had gotten through another ten minutes when Roy heard another sound, as if someone was moving around the house.
"I swear I heard something that time Ollie", Roy said.
"Look", Oliver replied, "maybe we should just turn this off, you look like you're getting too scared."
"No", Roy replied desperately, (he really wanted to finish his movie), "but I'm sure I heard something."
"It's all in your head", Oliver said. But, just as he was suggesting more soda to ease Roy's nerves, he too heard a sound. He cocked his head, trying to hone in on it. "Wait, did you hear that?" he asked his ward.
"Told you", Roy said, "I really think there's someone moving around in here." Oliver was just about to make a retort that the movie had them too emotionally involved when a hunched over figure stumbled into the room, arms outstretched.
Oliver and Roy screamed at the top of their lungs and the lights suddenly came on. What they saw was a very cross looking Robin, rubbing a shin he had banged on a bowling ball left on the ground (Oliver's neighbor had an irritating little Pomeranian and when it got too noisy, Ollie liked to use it as a pin).
What Robin saw however, was Roy and Oliver scrunched up at the back of the couch in defensive positions, clinging madly to each other, eyes wild. "Am I interrupting something?" Robin asked, putting his foot on the ground.
"Robin", Oliver snapped, letting go of Roy, "you nearly scared us half to death. Here we are, happily watching Saw and you stumble in here and go knocking my stuff around. That's a very important bowling ball I might add. It's the only thing that keeps that damn dog quiet."
"Ohh of course", Robin said sarcastically, "because anyone would worry more about a bowling ball then a severely bruised shin."
"What are you even doing here Robin?" Roy asked, pausing the movie.
"Well", said Robin, suddenly looking awkward, "you said I was always welcome here."
"Yes", Oliver snapped, "when you call first and don't almost give me a heart attack."
"Well", Robin said softly, "I…" then he blurted out the rest, "I just can't take it anymore, Batman is insufferable. He's paranoid, I can't go anywhere or do anything, he won't go on patrol, he just hides behind the couch with all those pots and throws axes at the door. I'm so board and so sick of him so I was wondering if maybe I could, you know, stay with you guys for a little bit?" Oliver gave a sigh.
"Does Bruce know you're here?" he asked.
"Yea", said Robin, "I told him as I was walking out the door where I was going and he just kind of twitched, so I took that as an ok to go."
"Wait", said Oliver, "you drove here, in the dark, all by yourself, all the way from Gotham?"
"Well", said Robin, "yea, I guess you could put it that way if you wanted to. But, if you don't want to… anyway, please let me stay. Please, please, please."
"Ohh, alright", Oliver said, "but I'm driving you home in the morning."
"Thank you, Thank you, Thank you", Robin said happily, "look, I brought a sleeping bag and everything I needed so I can stay."
"Fine", said Oliver, "sit down and finish Saw with Roy. I for one am going to bed. I have had enough hacking and cutting and gore and blood for one night." Oliver walked out.
"He's so old", Roy murmured.
"I know", Dick said, "he is, isn't he."
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"Dick was scuffing his shoe on the ground. He was board. It was Saturday and Bruce was down in the bat cave, working on some Batman stuff. The girl scouts appeared to have lost their nerve and hadn't show up for a while, so Bruce had considered it safe to go and get some work done. Dick had nothing to do now.
Alfred came in after a few moments, casually sweeping. "Ohh, I would kill for some thin mints right now", he said, "those are my favorites."
"I would love a lemonade", Dick moaned, "if I could just get just one lemonade, I would be happy."
"Hmm", Alfred said quietly, as of a diabolical thought had just manifested itself in his British head.
"What?" Dick asked.
"Master Bruce is downstairs in the batcave. What's to stop us from maybe ordering a couple boxes? He wouldn't have to know, would he?" Alfred asked.
"Yes", Dick murmured, "you're right. Come on." And slowly, Alfred and Dick snuck out of the house to make their way down the public library where the girl scouts were with their order forms.
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(a few weeks later)
Bruce was in a great mood as he woke up that morning. He stretched, did some quality yawning and lay out on his bed. "Ahh", he said brightly, "not a cookie to worry about. The selling season is over, the delivery season is almost over, and I am almost totally free for one whole year." He walked downstairs to eat his breakfast.
Alfred was dusting quietly, humming to himself. Bruce was suddenly put on edge. Alfred was acting to happy. He wondered what was up. Alfred usually had a dark cloud over his head these days, due to the fact Bruce had denied him his beloved thin mints. He hadn't even complained about not having cookies for two whole days. "What are you so happy about?" Bruce asked suspiciously.
"Nothing at all master Bruce", Alfred replied, "lovely weather we're having, don't you think?"
"Hmm", Bruce said and suddenly jumped up. "Tell me your secrets," he hissed softly.
Alfred, seeing that Bruce knew something was amiss, replied, "I'll never talk, never."
Bruce took the bat club out from behind the refrigerator (he was rather paranoid, after all, he's Batman) and said in a deadly voice, "I have ways of making you sing."
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Dick was dressed in a black trench coat and was sneaking down to the side of Wayne manor, the most remote side. It was raining hard and his feet sunk into the mud. He stood and waited quietly. Out of the mist appeared two figures in similar coats. They came up slowly, almost nonchalantly, and stopped only about half a foot in front of Dick.
"Did you bring the goods", Dick asked softly.
"Yea", one of the figures replied, and slowly slipped a few boxes out of the coat. Dick slipped the figure some money and slid the boxes under his own coat.
"This is the last load right?" he asked softly. The figure nodded.
"Last one", she replied. Dick thanked her softly and turned to leave. But, he was confronted with a horrible sight blocking his escape route. It was Bruce holding an expensive looking vase and a club. Alfred was behind him, looking shame faced.
"He made me tell him Master Dick", Alfred said, "it was the old Chinese vase and you know how fond I am of that one." Bruce's eyes narrowed.
"Richard", he said softly. "I took you in out of the cold and this is how you repay me, by stabbing me in the back?" Dick started to tremble.
"I'll die before I give you these cookies Bruce", Dick said. Bruce roared like an enraged bull and dove at him. Dick tried to leap out of the way, but was caught around the middle by Bruce's iron grasp. "Run girls, run", he shrieked, "save yourselves." The girls scattered quickly, screaming in fright as Bruce wrestled the cookies out of Dick's arms.
Dick cried out in protest, but he could not save his beloved prize. Bruce raised the club up over his head and smashed the unoffending boxes into the dirt in a wild rage. When he was finally finished, he stood panting. Then, he straightened up, looked regally out in front of him and said, "the deed is done."
He went back inside, leaving his protégé kneeling in sorrow in front of the decrepit boxes of his beloved overpriced treat. "No", he wailed into the rain, "they were so young!"
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Bruce walked around with a self-satisfied smile on his face for the rest of that week, knowing he was finally free from cookie tyranny. "See Dick", he said condescendingly, "you didn't need those fatty treats, you survived without them, using your own willpower. They're not good for you anyway."
"Whatever", Dick mumbled sourly.
"Well", said Bruce, straightening his suit, "I suppose it's time for me to go to my golf game. Have a nice day all." As soon as Alfred and Dick heard the car pull out, they rushed upstairs to Alfred's room and dug underneath his bed. Soon enough, they emerged with several colorful boxes.
"Ahh", Dick murmured as stuffed a lemonade into his mouth, "sweet bliss. Good thing we had them deliver in installments."
"Definitely", Alfred said. "Even without that last shipment, we still have enough to survive until next year." Dick nodded happily. Life was good.