A/N OKAY words of warning! This story is spolierish towards what happens in series 2 from what I have red, so if you want to stay spolier-free DO NOT READ THIS STORY! As much as I would like you to read it,I don't want to spoil anything for anyone.

Secondly, this story is quite angsty so again you may want a box of tissues.. Or maybe not. :P I hope you all enjoy it, and I would gladly like any reviews! I'm thinking of continuing this story on from a one-shot and adding more to it, so any opinions on that will be gladly appreicated. Enjoy! :D

September 1916

She felt all of the breath had been sucked out of her, like a suckerpunch to the stomach when she saw him enter. They hadn't seen each other in two years; a lot had changed in two years. He was on the front line, risking his life for King and country whilst she was still at Downton, but that wasn't the only thing that had changed to Matthew Crawley. His feelings towards her had certainly changed, as Mary could only stare at the attractive red-head standing next to Matthew. She felt sick. She couldn't deny it was jealous raging within her yet, she could have so easily prevented this. She could have so easily had said yes that day when they kissed, oh that wonderful kiss! Mary thought. But she cared too much about him to just yet the issue of Mr Pamuk pass over her - yes his death still bothered her to this very day. It prevented her from ever marrying the man she truly loved; yes she had other suitors that her parents had lined up for her but none of them were a patch on Matthew. She never harboured the same feelings for them that she had for him, she always hoped one day, maybe just one day, she would admit her true feelings. Alas, he now had another woman on his arm and probably one that was still virtuous and rightful for Matthew; not like her. The woman seem pleasant enough as Mary watched the pair chatting animatedly with her father, Matthew's red coat standing out against his fiancée's dress. Mary could not help but think how handsome he looked, then he looked at her.

Mary gaped as his electric blue eyes met hers, as his face displayed one of shock. She told herself to look away, to just break eye contact and briskly walk away but she found she could not. There was always something about his eyes that entranced her, that always made her not wanting to break eye contact. They stared deeply at each other, not doing anything else apart from holding one another's gaze. The connection they always had was there, she could feel it and she was almost certainly he could too as he simply held her eye contact. All of the feelings came rushing back, the amount of love and sadness she held for him as she slowly began to draw short in breath, a clenching feeling in her stomach, she had to get away but she just did not want to break eye contact just yet…

Then she ruined it all. Matthew's fiancée had turned to him, tapping him on the arm for his attention. The moment lost, Matthew turned briefly to smile down at his future wife and all became too much for Mary. Mumbling an excuse to a suitor who was hovering near her, she almost ran from the hall, she was desperate for air, a space to think. She eventually reached the peace of the balcony outside, as she sat down on a bench looking out across the grounds. She felt hot tears prickled at her eyes and she silently cursed herself for being so stupid. Why did she have to be so stubborn? Why didn't she just tell him about Pamuk? And why oh why did she find she could not let go of Matthew Crawley, no matter how hard she tried? The reason was a simple one – she loved him. She knew no-one would even come close to how she felt for Matthew, and more tears fell at the realisation she had blown her one and surely only chance for being with him. She hastily began to wipe her rapidly falling tears away, trying to gain her composure when she heard footsteps nearing the balcony. Hurriedly, she stood up wiping her face of tears. Expecting to be her father, she was about to deliver a perfectly good excuse as to why she was outside but her excuse was lost in her throat as Matthew turned the corner. She simply gaped at him once more as he looked at her with a look of surprise, before finding a voice.

"Matthew! What a delight to see you," She said, shakily determined to show him that she was not broken – she was still the same stubborn Lady Mary he had always known. He returned a small smile.

"Likewise Lady Mary, it's wonderful to be back," He smiled at her and she could not help but smile softly back. God those eyes…

"How is life as an officer treating you?" She asked cautiously, and sure enough Matthew's smile faltered a little – she should have known better; the subject of war was always one that no-one liked to speak of.

"It's…hard. I've been relatively lucky so far, but my regiment are good men." He asked solemnly, bowing his head slightly as Mary understood it as a cue to change the subject. Oh she was so foolish! She was about to speak once more when he spoke.

"How is life at Downton treating you? Well I hope?" His voice was like music to her eyes, she had never heard such a wonderful voice. She nodded, briefly looking up to meet his eyes once more.

"Yes it rather is! I mean I try and help as much as again with the soldiers that are brought in, but I leave the main work to your mother and Sybil," she replied as Matthew nodded in agreement. She would never dare reveal that she was always scared that he would be brought in one day, it was always a thought she dreaded to think of. A few silent moments passed, Matthew's eyes avoiding hers before he spoke softly.

"Mary I know you know about me and Lavinia…" He said shakily, looking at her to see any reaction. Mary's first thought was what a hideous name she had! Why would he marry anyone with that name? Then she realised – why didn't she marry him?

"I offer my congratulations to both of you Matthew, I am sure the pair of you will be very happy," she smiled at him, not willing to let her guard and show to him that every word she had just said was like a stab to the heart, killing her slowly. Matthew smiled softly.

"Thank you Lady Mary. I do hope that we can move on and be friends? It would mean a lot to me for that to happen, make a fresh start" He asked hopefully. Mary wanted to simply break down and cry – "no it is not alright!" She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to shout and admit her unspoken love for him, to tell him not to marry the girl with the silly name, that she was sorry for being such a fool and that she was not fine to be just friends. But yet, a voice came from her mouth – one that was not saying what her heart was telling her.

"Of course cousin Matthew! I would like that very much," She smiled falsely at him as he beamed back.

"Fantastic! Now if you excuse me, I think I may go and join the dance," Mary nodded with a smile and he was gone in a flash. As soon as he had turned the corner, Mary's hand shot up to her mouth as sobs began, the sick feeling coming back as she had just given her blessing to the man she loved to marry another. She had truly lost him forever, and it was all her fault. And as Matthew happily spoke with well-wishers with his future wife, Mary stood alone on the balcony of Downton Abbey, never feeling as alone as she did now.