AN: This is a songfic based on the song "Stars" by Fun. Set during October of Half Blood Prince (1996)
He sits down on his favorite bench from which he can see a good half of the town. The metal is so cold it cuts through his threadbare jeans and freezes his legs underneath. He breathes into his palms and rubs them to generate some warmth but it does very little in the exceptionally cold weather.
Finally, he turns his body in the direction of the statue that stands in the middle of the town square. The statue that only some can see. The statue of two of his best friends.
Has it really been fifteen years?
Remus Lupin stares at the statue that represents so much of what he has lost; James and Lily, Harry for so many years, and now Sirius.
This growing old is getting old
I often find myself here thinking
About the birds, the boats, and past loves
That flew away or started sinking
He had been here many times before, even sat on this very same bench. There had been a war going on those times too, though the circumstances were very different.
He remembered one particular time, during a summer night much warmer than this one. All four of them had been staying with the Potters; Remus and Peter had been allowed to stay for the month, Sirius permanently.
A month, however, was a long time for boys-let alone the Marauders-to stay in one place, so about a week and a half in, Mr. and Mrs. Potter had suggested the boys take the keys to the cottage in Godric's Hollow and find new things to do there. They were all, finally, seventeen, and free to do magic wherever they pleased so where better to go than a village full of magic with no parental supervision?
That had been an odd summer for everyone. It was the summer before their last year at school and there was a heavy air of fear regarding what things would be like in a year's time that all the boys felt, but never really discussed. It was the last summer there was any sense of security as far as what would happen next in their lives, but no one could enjoy it much because they knew how close they were to losing that security. And in the world they were living in, they weren't even sure if there was such a thing as security anymore.
Remus had wandered out of the cottage, feeling under the weather as he always did the night before a full moon. After walking a ways, he found the old bench that afforded him a view of a good portion of the town and the sky.
He stared up at the night sky and lost himself in the stars, first trying to count them and then naming as many constellations as he could. It was a clear night and the stars glittered, tiny chunks of broken glass sparkling on ink black velvet.
After a while, he felt rather than saw someone sit down next to him.
"Enjoying yourself, mate?" said the person next to him. "Oh look, there I am, along with most everyone else in my ex-family I suppose."
Sirius.
And it's crazy here without you
I used to think this all was ours
We'd stay up late,
Debate on how we'd find our way
You'd say it's all up in the stars
As it happens, that particular constellation is burning bright in the sky tonight, along with a dozen others. That's something Remus has always loved about the Wizarding world: a lack of electricity means the stars never go out.
He reflects on this for a while, losing himself in the sky just like he used to when he was younger, until he sees a small figure with mouse brown hair approaching him.
Remus is caught off guard for a moment-it's always odd to see her without some startling shade of hair-but collects himself quickly and prepares himself for the conversation he is sure he's about to have.
"Nice night out," Tonks says as she sits down next to him.
The sentence is harmless, with no deeper meaning to it, yet Remus can only nod, his voice caught in his throat as it so often is when she's around.
"I heard I might find you here and I don't have anywhere else to be right now, so I figured I'd pop over and say hello."
"Hello," Remus finally replies. He wishes he'd said something cleverer, but at the same time is glad he didn't-the last thing he should be doing is encouraging whatever's going on between them.
"Hello to you too." Tonks smiles and the effect it has on her face is dazzling. Even without the vibrant hair and with the bags that seem to always be under her eyes these days, she looks positively radiant when she's smiling.
Remus only wishes he could make her that happy all the time.
A new wave of sadness washes over him as he thinks on all the things he can never do. He stares back up at the sky, seeing the moon now, instead of the stars.
"This is the closest I ever get to seeing the full moon." The words slip unbidden out of his mouth, before he even knows what he is saying. They also happen to be words he has said before.
Oh God, I miss you so much
"Well, technically you see it. You just don't remember it," Sirius had said.
"That's somehow even worse," Remus responded gloomily. He had left his friends in the cottage so that they wouldn't be affected by the dark mood that always overtook him when it was near time for his transformation, and here Sirius was seeking him out and seemingly trying to make his mood even darker.
"You should go back to the others," Remus said. "I'm no fun to be around tonight."
"Rubbish," Sirius replied. "I was actually sent out here to find you and bring you back so the four of us could do something more fun than perhaps, I don't know, staring up at the sky. We all dropped Astronomy for a reason, no need to be doing it on our free time, is there?"
That got on Remus's nerves a bit-the only reason he had dropped Astronomy was that it didn't fit into his schedule. In reality, he had loved getting the chance to do nothing but stare up at the sky a few times a week with no one able to make fun of him for it.
"I like the stars," Remus said defensively.
"Why?" Sirius snorted. "There's nothing in them."
"They're infinite, yet changing. They're always here and they're always bright. Even when one dies out there's another to take it's place and keep shining. It's nice to have something like that in times like these."
"There's still nothing they can actually do for you. They're way up there and we're down here. What do you think they're gonna do, crash down on all the Death Eaters and end the war for us?" Sirius laughed.
And I'd be saying that you
You're always holding onto stars
I think they're better from afar
Because no one is gonna save us
"It is a very lovely sky," Tonks says. She seems too uncomfortable to say anything else and this, Remus thinks, is the reason why nothing can ever happen for them. How could he ever let her subject herself to something she's so uncomfortable with? In truth, this is the only time she's ever acted like this; typically she's not afraid to say anything, though lately she's become so timid and sad. Still, even one sign of discomfort from her is enough proof for Remus that he must keep his distance.
"Tonks, why are you here?" he asks, finding his voice and wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.
"I told you. I wasn't busy and I-"
"No, why are you really here? Why would you seek me out?"
"Because I know what night it is and I don't think you should have to be alone. Not with the moon being what it is, so you couldn't be feeling your best-and don't deny it, I've seen how it affects you for the past year now-and then add on the fact that it's the night before the 31st and well...It just seemed like the right thing to do," Tonks answers.
"But why would you do it? No one else has come looking for me tonight. No one else is so concerned. Why you?"
Tonks's eyes narrow and her lip thins and for a moment, Remus swears her hair flashes bright red. "I think we both know the answer to that," she says with a peculiar mix of sadness and anger.
If you're right here why do I miss you so much?
Remus gave up his philosophic discussion with Sirius, who had never been much of a poet-unless that was what was required to convince some girl to sneak into a broom cupboard with him.
"So what exactly were you planning on tonight?" Remus asked.
"Well excluding Pete who's content to sit around all night and play Exploding Snap, the duffer, we've gotten a bit antsy staying in the house."
"You and James?"
"You know how I hate confined spaces, and James just got another letter from Lily so we need to do something to keep him busy before he apparates straight to her house."
"James got another letter from Lily?"
"Yeah," Sirius chuckled as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, "the poor sod nearly pissed himself with excitement."
"What did it say?" Remus asked.
Sirius shrugged. "I've no idea, but I assume it must have been something good. He really thinks it's going to happen this year."
" Personally I figure this must be the closest he's ever gotten to a chance. What do you think?"
"If not now, then never, I suppose," Sirius said. He took another drag on the cigarette, not bothering to offer one to Remus because he already knew the answer would be no. "Anyways, I was thinking we could go to a muggle bar, maybe pick up some local girls-"
"Are you sure James would be up for that, considering this whole thing with Lily taking off? And what about Marlene?"
Sirius waved off the question with a swiping motion of his hand. "That's nothing serious. Marlene and I have a fantastic relationship, but it doesn't extend beyond the walls of Hogwarts, and sometimes the grounds...occasionally the Forbidden Forest...and then there was that one time in Greenhouse-"
"Okay I get it!" Remus finally succumbed to a few chuckles of his own.
"Besides," Sirius continued, "Peter hasn't got anybody, and nor have you so at the very least, you might be able to-"
"You know I can't. You know I can't do that so there's no point in even entertaining such a thought." The sadness that had left so briefly returned, even stronger now.
It was all well and good for James to make painstaking attempts at wooing Lily, and for Sirius to shag Marlene all across Scotland, and for Peter to find someone someday, but that was something Remus could never have.
Years ago, he had sworn that he wouldn't put himself in that sort of situation because what if he, or the girl, got attached? It would never work in the long run-not once she knew his secret, once she knew what he was. And they could never have a future. Marriage and children were not things that Remus could allow himself in his life, so why ever encourage that kind of closeness? It broke his heart, but it was the way things had to be.
Oh, and me
Well I have faded in the dark
So don't you ever kiss me
Don't you wish on me
Why can't you see that no one's gonna save us?
"Nymphadora, this has to stop," Remus says, thinking back on the promises he had made himself when his friends were alive and his face wasn't quite so scarred.
"Why should it? And don't call me that," she snaps.
"There's no relationship that we can have. There's no future in it."
"How do you know if you refuse to give it a try?" She looks angry now, but Remus can see that tears are forming in her eyes.
"I'm only telling you the truth. Even if I wasn't what I am-which is reason enough to stay away-there's a war going on and it's only going to get worse. I am not the right man and now is not the right time, there's too much danger involved on all counts. I'm simply looking at this logically."
"But maybe this isn't something for which you can depend on logic," she says, her voice raising. "Since when has love ever been logical, Remus? Answer me that."
He tries to keep his voice even but knows he is failing. "I cannot love you the way you should be loved. I cannot take that place in your heart. There is nothing good that it can lead to. Sadness and heartache seem to follow me everywhere and I cannot let them follow you too. That's all I will bring you in the end."
"How do you know what you'll bring me if you'll never even give it a chance?" she half-screams half-cries. Remus is glad no one else is around. "I want you and you want me and that should be enough. Stop making this about your bloody problems!"
"My bloody problems? My whole life it has never just been my bloody problems. This isn't about me, this is about you. This is about the world we're living in right now. This is about the people I couldn't do anything for fifteen years ago. I'm trying to protect you, Tonks. You were too young the last time-you don't understand. I know what it's like to live and love in the middle of a war and I know how it ends. Look at that statue over there! That's how it ends! It ends in tragedy, only tragedy. I don't want that for you, don't you understand? Those people were my friends, my best friends, and now that's all I have left of them; that and a half-destroyed cottage. And you know why? Because they had to fall in love when the world was falling to pieces! I'm not letting that happen to you, and especially not with me. This is the wrong timing and I'm the wrong man."
Before he can even take a breath, Tonks has grabbed his face and pulled it to hers. Their lips are smashed together roughly and Remus can feel wetness on her cheeks. It's over as suddenly as it began and Remus has barely had time to open his eyes when Tonks rises from the bench and apparates away, sobbing.
No one's gonna save me now.
"Right then," Sirius said, slowly standing up and crushing the stub of a cigarette under his shoe. "I'll leave you to your stars. Whenever you want to come inside, I'm sure the lads will be more than eager to do something."
Remus nodded stiffly. Gentle swirls of smoke swirled gracefully up from the ground, mixing with the air before dissolving into nothingness.
"Oh, and mate? I understand where you're coming from, I really do, but I think you're cutting yourself out of things you deserve just as much as everyone else. You've got to live your life while you've got it, you know."
So many years later (has it really been nineteen?) Remus is back on the same bench, thinking on Sirius's words just like he had back then. But so much is different from how it was.
That summer night had ended with him running back to the cottage and shrugging off his worries with his friends and a bottle of firewhiskey. They had lived their lives not knowing what was coming next, but that was okay, because for that moment, they were happy.
Things aren't so simple now. The cottage he ran to is now a ruin, and James is a stone and Sirius is just the name of another constellation in the sky. He is alone and still tainted and, though he is loathe to admit it, in love with a woman named Nymphadora Tonks who is perfect and impossible.
He is lost and unable to grab onto anybody to save him. So he turns his head upwards and begins to count the stars-the stars that have remained even though his friends have gone-and holds onto them instead.
You're always holding onto stars
'Cause no one is gonna save us