BEFORE YOU READ: Please, just note it's Killian's POV. You might not agree with some parts, but that's the way I'm portraying his thoughts and feelings.
Genre: Angst/Drama.
Rating: T.
Character: Killian. Also Milah, Rumpel/Mr Gold, Belle (mentioned).
Pairings: Milah/Killian mainly. Also Hook/Rumpel.
WARNINGS: Angst. Death wish. It might be dark for some of you.
"Oh the rain may pour and it may fall
But still I'll always, always hear you call
I'll be waiting, waiting for you
Oh your eyes so blue, your smile so white
I think about you every day and night
I'll be waiting, waiting for you."
Killian didn't even try to move on. No matter what others would tell him, no matter they would do, he didn't want to carry on. He didn't want to live anymore.
His life ended almost six centuries ago. On the day, he'd never forget. On the day, when his heart stopped beating. On the day, when destroying poison of revenge filled his veins completely. On the day, when he watched Her die. On the day, when he saw Her for the last time. When that Coward... When Crocodile took Her from him. On the day, whose memory was still haunting him.
It was him. He should have died. He wanted to sacrifice himself, he wanted to die for Her. For Her and the Crew. She should have stayed on his ship. She should have respected his decision. She should have saved herself.
And yet, he should have always known better. She'd never do that. Anyone, but her.
Not the bravest human he has ever known.
Not the woman, who had the courage to anticipate her times.
Not the One, who fought for herself.
"I think about you every night
You'll never go away
I dream about the day we met
Like it was yesterday."
"I'm so sorry, Milah" he cried quietly to himself. All alone on his ship, he tried to drink himself to sleep. "I am so sorry" he repeated, pulling an old bag desperately close to his naked chest, lying himself on the jury bed. She made it. For him. And it meant so madly a lot to him. Because once, she held it in her hands. Because once, she was sewing it perfectly and patiently for several, long hours. Because once, she gave it to him with a wide smile on her beautiful face. He kept everything she made for him, or his ship. She still meant the world to him.
And yet...
He felt like he didn't treat her good enough.
He felt like he didn't spend long enough time with her.
He felt like he didn't make her smile often enough.
He felt like he didn't make her laugh hard enough.
He felt like he didn't stand by her, when she truly ached for him.
He felt like he didn't make love to her passionately enough.
He felt like he didn't love her strong enough.
Because in the end, he didn't protect her, when she needed him the most.
"I've made him pay for your pain, my Milah" he whispered, so unclear to himself. He didn't care he was half-naked. He didn't care he was barely conscious. He didn't care he acted like a mad man.
"But I will run until my feet no longer run, no more
And I will kiss until my lips no longer feel, no more
And I will love until my heart it aches
And I will love until my heart it breaks
And I will love until there's nothing more to live for."
Oh yes, he has made the Crocodile to pay for everything he had ever done and hadn't done to and for her.
For not protecting her.
For letting her and their boy to pay for his mistakes.
For not loving her.
For treating her like his possession.
For making her to stop believing in her dreams.
For making her to feel sorry.
For making her cry.
For not letting her go.
For breaking their deal.
For hurting her and ripping her heart out.
For crushing it and killing her.
For taking her life from her.
Oh yeah, for that everything and more, he has made him pay.
Firstly, he took that naïve Princess - Belle was her name – from him. He shot her in the arm and made her to cross the town borderline. He took all of her memories from her. He made her to forget Rumpelstiltskin. And that was enough. She shall never remember her, so called, 'true love'. Killian would never kill the innocent one, though. He'd never kill someone, who'd not have a chance to protect himself. He had a rotten heart now, but he'd never become that Coward.
Afterwards, he let him to leave the town. 'Cause he already knew, what waits for the Crocodile. And he couldn't wait to see what a broken man he will become. And then, just then, the Coward will know what it means to lose everything.
"Like I do" he said quietly, hugging his cheek to a small pillow and taking last sip of his rum.
"When heaven called you from above
They took the only one I love
But we'll still be forever
You and me."
Killian wanted nothing more but to die. He ached for her. He desired for being reunited with her. With his only and real true love. He had so many women in his life, and yet, Milah was the only one, who made his heart beating. In her eyes he saw full acceptance; he saw secrets he has never even shown her. In her arms he felt comfort he hasn't known before; he felt loved. In his heart, once so wild, he felt he had always known her.
He felt alive.
She was the beat of his heart.
She was the spring of his eyes.
She was the winter of his mind.
She was the star to his sky.
She was the Sun to his Moon.
She was the sea to his ship.
She was his life.
He knew she'd hate this. Seeing him so broken, so suicidal. She used to say him playfully, that he loves her too much. Maybe she was right, after all. Maybe she wasn't joking.
"Oh, who said life was easy?
Who said life was fair?
Who said nobody gives a damn and nobody even cares?
The way you're acting now, like you left that all behind
You've given up, you've given in
Another sucker of that slime."
Like the echo of his dreams...
And that wine he liked to drink...
She was the joy of his soul.
And now... Now She was just an ocean away.
He knew, he'll be with her soon. He knew he'll feel no more pain and no more sorrow then. It was just the matter of time. Soon, he'll be happy. Like he used to be once. He knew, he'll be freed from his agony. As soon as he'll see the Crocodile's face, nothing will stop him. He will fall into the arms of the Death.
But until that day will come, he'll wait.
He'll sorrow until he'll see that bastard's pain.
He'll love until he'll bleed.
He'll cry himself to sleep.
He'll wait to see his Angel.
"'Cause the stars in my eyes,
Well they twinkle when I see your face.
And The butterflies keep flying,
Flying all over the place.
And the dark and grey
Well it fits with the black and white.
And all I see is life, life in a beautiful light.
And all I see is life, life in a beautiful light."
Songs (in order):
"Troubled Soul" by Amy MacDonald
"Two Worlds" by Amy MacDonald
"Run" by Amy MacDonald
"Two Worlds" by Amy MacDonald
"Poison Prince" by Amy MacDonald
"Life In a Beautiful Light" by Amy MacDonald
Let me know what you think, please :)
Hope you liked it!
I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes!