A/N--- This is a new fic. The idea has been made by Adia Rose and each chapter is edited by Adia Rose but it is written by RachelF.
In EE terms I suppose Adia Rose is the storyline producer/storyliner and RachelF is the writer. Sort of.
Anyhow, this was an idea conceived by Adia Rose when her friend asked her to come up with a different way to do the reveal. I would have written it myself but with Truth, Chasing Angels and Damaged and Birthday Girl too I didn't want to start another fic. But Adia Rose will be writing some chapters of this herself and each chapter although mostly written by RachelF will be edited and added to by Adia Rose.
Sorry for that longwinded explaination. I hope you all enjoy the story.
The song that runs through is "Give Unto Me" by Evanescence.
Place onto me your burden,
I'll drink your deadly poison.
The room was warm, almost uncomfortably warm, the heaters working to block out the frosty chill of the winter's day. Or maybe it was the pressure, the anxiety that was causing the small bead of sweat to form at the base of Ronnie's neck. She looked towards the girl beside her and decided it wasn't the heat as she could clearly see the goosebumps prickled up on Danielle's bare arms.
As she leaned forward hesitantly towards the counter in front of her, Danielle took a fleeting look at Ronnie, who sat at her side just as she had promised. She couldn't help but notice how uneasy she looked, ill almost, swaying tentatively backward and forward in her seat. Letting her fingers grasp the glass of water that lay on the counter, Danielle brought it up close to her lips. It was full of the water that could wash away her troubles with one sip; half full, half empty. Next to it on the counter lay a single pill; the pill which would spell the end for her baby. Small and white, insignificant, yet deadly. That one little white pill that could decide the fate of three lives. As she reached forward to it pick up, the doctor spoke to her softly, her voice calm and considered; she outlined the logistics of the procedure Danielle was about to undertake as if they were the most simple thing in the world, "then, the pills tomorrow will soften the neck of the womb and cause it to contract, causing the loss of the pregnancy."
"Pregnancy", Danielle repeated, her voice almost scornful and bitter as she moved, placing the glass back onto the counter next to the pill. She wanted everyone to stop lying, to stop pretending that this was clinical and benign. She wished the doctor would stop talking; she wished she could just take the pill and be done with it. It should have been easy; this was what she wanted, after all, to be rid of her child. Yet somehow the simplicity of what she was about to do made it all seem a thousand times worse. The simplicity of the procedure, set against the mammoth, blinding reality that she was about to kill her own child.
"It's great that you've come with Danielle today". Still using the same measured tone the doctor now spoke to Ronnie, who lifted her head from staring at the floor as she was addressed, still looking decidedly uncomfortable, "and I strongly recommend that you have someone with you tomorrow". Ronnie looked away, back at the floor, almost automatically, wishing that she could be somewhere else, anywhere else and that this would all just be over.
"Will you", Danielle asked, hoping desperately that Ronnie would say yes. She needed her to be there, even if Ronnie could never know why. She couldn't do this alone.
Ronnie sighed, holding her hand out to stroke Danielle's forearm tenderly. She couldn't put her finger on why Danielle caused these feelings in her, this compulsion to protect. Perhaps it was because she could see something of herself in the eyes of this timid teenager, something from a past existence. Guardedly, she nodded, grinding her teeth with steely determination that she would do the right thing by this young girl, however difficult it would be for her.
"Yes. Yes, of course", she promised, unable to hide the sigh as her breath hitched. She didn't want to watch this. She prayed silently that she wouldn't have to be a part of it. She had to fight every gut instinct that she had to be able to just keep herself silent and in her seat as she helped this girl murder the one thing she knew she would never forgive herself for.
"The procedure is very safe. After the second pill you will have some strong cramps in your stomach and there will be bleeding", the doctor continued. Ronnie cringed slightly, shifting awkwardly in her chair. Thinking about the details didn't make this any easier, instead it just made it more real, more graphic. "this could start within half an hour of taking the pills and you may pass the pregnancy any time between a few hours and a couple of days later. It's different for everyone."
Gulping, Danielle felt Ronnie's cold fingers beginning to entwine around her own, but she could not look around, into her mother's eyes. While this closeness provided some comfort, Danielle felt sick as she considered the glaring irony of the situation. Ronnie had said that getting rid of her baby, getting rid of Amy, was the best thing she had ever done, and here she was, willing to support a young girl getting rid of her child in much the same way.
Yet that child hadn't been just any 'Amy', that child had been her. Danielle couldn't bear to even lift her eyes from the desk where they were fixed, horrified that despite Ronnie's cold words she had let herself get to this stage. But even more to the point, terrified that she would give herself away, that somehow Ronnie would be able to tell that this wasn't really what she wanted; that really, she was different. That she wanted to keep her baby, but she just wasn't strong enough to do admit it. To go through with it.
"I know you've had counselling already, but...any questions", the doctor asked Danielle, smiling warmly. Danielle shook her head, but her eyes had begun to glaze over as if she wasn't really in the room. "Ready then?" she continued, pushing the glass along the table towards her patient, coaxingly. Danielle nodded her head, but her eyes remained glazed; removing her hand from Ronnie's grasp, she leaned forward towards the counter once again. With the glass in hand, she raised the pill to her lips cautiously, but was forced to stop as the door behind her shot open, a breathless Stacey bounding in through the threshold.
"Danielle, don't do it. Once you've done it you can't undo it," the words tumbled unreservedly from Stacey's mouth in breathless pleas as the clinic's receptionist forcefully tried to remove her from the room. In a flurry of action, the door was shut safely behind Stacey, leaving Danielle and Ronnie both staring agape. "Are you ready to go on", the doctor ventured, trying her best to catch the young girl's eye and gloss over Stacey's rude interruption, which had visibly thrown Danielle.
"Danielle?" Ronnie reassured, attempting to catch Danielle's eyes as they strayed across the room, "this is up you, you know". She could hear that Danielle's breathing had quickened and could see her leg trembling, bouncing rapidly up on down on the floor. Ronnie stared at the pill still clutched between Danielle's thumb and forefinger. She wanted to say those words too. Every part of her was aching to reach out, to grab Danielle's hand, and take that pill from her, to throw it as far as she could and stop Danielle from making this mistake. Every instinct told her to scream out the words to Danielle to rip the tablet from her and say 'Don't do it! Don't you kill your baby." But she didn't. She sat stock still, her eyes still watching Danielle, trying to gauge her reaction, her intentions. Danielle's hands were shaking, the water in the glass she held began to spill over the side, a small drop landing on the leg of Ronnie's trousers.
"Ronnie, I'm sorry, I…", Danielle jumped to her feet, her instinct at having tipped water over her mother being to run as far away as she could. "Danielle, it's fine, don't worry", Ronnie moved her body around in her seat in a further attempt to catch Danielle's eyes but this proved more difficult than she'd hoped.
Shaking her head, Danielle began to speak in torrents, "I can't do this. I know you think…I'm sorry, I just can't", Danielle's eyes began to flit wildly around the room, looking everywhere except at her mother, as if she was trying to plan an escape route, "I didn't mean to… I'm sorry I brought you here Ronnie".
"It's fine, Danielle. I don't mind…", Ronnie began to speak but was immediately interrupted again by a tearful Danielle, "I just can't do it. I'm sorry". With that, Danielle darted from the room, slipping slightly on the wet floor as the glass and pill both slipped from her hands to shatter at her feet. For a second Ronnie just stared at the empty space, then down to the floor where the pill lay slowly dissolving in the pool of water. For the first time that day Ronnie could breathe.
Danielle kept up her speed as she dashed from the room. She passed a single young girl, in the clinic waiting area, her pale face and fervent dash clearly alarming the patient. Danielle felt relieved that Stacey appeared to have left already, and continued out into the street and beyond.
Emerging seconds later from the toilet, Stacey was greeted brusquely by Ronnie bursting from the consultation room behind her, "Stacey, where is she?"
"What do you mean, where is she? I leave her with you for five minutes and…" Stacey began, noticing the confused looks on the face of the awkward girl still waiting she stopped mid sentence, "Why? What's happened?" Stacey suddenly realised that Danielle had not emerged from the room after Ronnie.
"You're the one stood out here, did you not think to stop her leaving", Ronnie exclaimed, getting increasingly more angry. Part of her however, couldn't stop the feeling of relief, of almost elation that Danielle had done the right thing, she had made the right choice.
"Stop her leaving? What are you on about? Where's she gone?" Stacey blurted out, confused and angered by the entire situation. Ronnie Mitchell was the cause of all of this, she knew it.
"Do you think I'd be asking you if I knew that? She just upped and left. Your little outburst was really helpful, Stacey, thanks. What were you thinking?" But Ronnie knew what she had been thinking because her mind had been filled with the same thoughts, the same urges. To stop Danielle from making the biggest mistake of her life. But it wasn't their choice to make, not Stacey's and certainly not hers. It was Danielle's and Ronnie had tried to respect that, no matter how she felt herself.
"I was thinking about Danielle, wasn't I", Stacey began to raise her voice "which is more than I can say for some people"
Interrupted for a second time, Stacey was forced to take a step back from her position, pointing aggressively at Ronnie, as the doctor appeared between the pair, "Please, this is not the place for this. Danielle is obviously in a fragile state, she needs her mother beside her", she looked at Ronnie, "you aren't helping her arguing here like this".
"Oh no, I'm not…she's not", Ronnie snapped, her mouth open wide at the doctor's suggestion. Stacey rolled her eyes, saying something incomprehensible, but undoubtedly derogatory about Ronnie under her breath.
"Look, I'm sorry doctor. We'll be leaving now", she grabbed hold of Stacey's arm, but her hand was shaken off as Stacey took herself outside and began to run down the stairs, away from the older woman's calls, obviously highly annoyed at her accusations.
"STACEY, don't walk away from me", Ronnie shouted as she closed the clinic door behind her, "where has she gone?" Stopping short, Stacey turned as Ronnie caught up behind her, "I have no idea, Ronnie. I was in the toilet, I didn't see her leave, I had no idea she was going anywhere"
"Well, where will she have gone?", Ronnie asked, wound up; she'd already managed to let Danielle down. Hailing a black cab as it passed, eager to get away from an angry Ronnie, Stacey replied, "I don't know, do I?"
"But you're her best friend Stacey, You know her better than I do" Ronnie shouted, exasperated.
"She asked you to come here with her, didn't she?" Stacey barked bitterly, "Maybe I'm not as important as I look", Stacey turned back to Ronnie as she climbed into the taxi, "I'm sure Danielle did what she really wanted. Even with you trying to push her into doing something else."
Ronnie watched, defeated, as Stacey's taxi pulled away, leaving her alone to hail her own transport. She had no idea where Danielle had run to, and Stacey had been little help. Feeling overwhelmed with guilt as she climbed into her own taxi, Ronnie asked the driver for 'Walford', before pulling her knees to her chest and burying her head in her hands. Was this her fault? Should she have gone with Danielle at all?
Watching Danielle running away had been like watching a mirror image of herself, doing exactly what she had wanted to do all those year's ago. But back then she'd been too scared to run away. There had always been something stopping her; someone. It had all been worked out for her, just like Danielle had seemed to have it all worked out. Clearly, they were even more similar than she thought.
Arriving at her destination, Ronnie paid the driver, thanked him and walked, exhausted, up the stairs to her flat. Putting the keys into the door, she sighed, but as she turned the key she noticed a slip of paper poking from the underside of the door. Kneeling to pick it up, she sat down on the cold concrete, before opening the letter and reading,
"Ronnie, I'm sorry. I couldn't do it. I couldn't get rid of my baby. I'm sorry I let you down. I know you regret ever having your baby, you're better off without her. But I couldn't. I can't. I'm sorry Ronnie."