The morning dawned peaceful and beautiful over the little town of South Park. A feeling of calm descended on every citizen, and it seemed as though nothing could go wrong.
Which meant, of course, that they were fucking DUE.
Eric Cartman had learned long ago, in the far away time of second grade, that calm days couldn't POSSIBLY mean anything good. He glared at all the smiling faces and happy little birds singing, and looked around a bit. Where the hell WERE those assholes? Stan and Kyle should've been at his house over 15 minutes ago, if not sooner. He had a very super-awesome idea that just couldn't WAIT. Cartman grumbled and swore under his breath. Leave it to a Jew and a pussy to ruin his Saturday for him. And another thing, where was Kenny? Last time Kenny was seen, he was being scraped off the pavement AGAIN. A brief pang of guilt flickered over Cartman's conscience. Poor white trash, eternally dead Kenny. He had been having extra bad luck lately (he actually managed to die twice in little over an hour yesterday. It was a new record). However, Eric was convinced that his idea would simultaneously cheer Kenny up and make a fool out of Kyle, which was, of course, the greatest thing in the world.
After another 20 minutes, all patience was lost and Cartman angrily grabbed his coat and stormed out of his house. As he neared Stan's house, he could hear the snickering of about three prepubescent boys in the living room. His blood boiled. Oh, how DARE they?! Peeking in, he could clearly see Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all playing on Stan's Xbox and eating popcorn.
Without him.
"You sons of bitches!!" Cartman yelled, pounding on the glass. The trio inside instantly looked up and started laughing hysterically at the fatter boy's antics. Oh yeah, it's REAL fuckin' funny, isn't it?!, Eric thought as he started trying to knock down the door. "Let me in you assholes!!" He pounded harder.
Eventually, Stan opened the door and did a horrible job of stifling his giggles. "Oh…. h-hi Cartman!! Wh-What a surprise!" He choked back more giggles, but Cartman just glared.
"Awright, what the HELL is yer problem?!" He pushed his way in, making sure to shove Stan as hard as he could into the door, making the smaller boy yelp with pain. As they slowly hit puberty, Eric had found that he now could overpower his friends more easily (except for Kyle for some reason. Someday he was gonna get that Jew). Stan rubbed his arm, but Cartman ignored it. "I called you almost an hour ago and told you to get over to my house!"
"Sorry Cartman", said a VERY unapologetic Kyle, "But something tells me that whatever you have in mind is going to be very, very stupid." Cartman took a swing at him, but Kyle, goddamn him, ducked and landed a nice blow to his gut. Eric winced in pain, while Kenny fell over with laughter. Cartman made a mental note to kill Kenny later.
Stan broke up the fight. "Alright Cartman, the real reason we didn't wanna head to your place was because the last time we were there, your whore of a mother tried to get Kenny to let her give him a blowjob." Kenny grumbled something about "the closest to getting some I've ever gotten", and playfully punched Stan on the shoulder. Cartman just shook his head. Jesus, they were so immature sometimes. They were all almost 14, for crying out loud. Actually, not much had changed in their group over the years. Stan was still the pussy animal-loving leader of the group, though he was starting to show the tell-tale signs of adolescence shining through what was left of his childhood frame. Kyle, on the other hand and much to Cartman's dismay, had hit puberty earlier than the rest of them and easily stood three inches taller than everyone in the eight grade. All the girls were starting to notice the Jew now that he was starting to be all handsome and stuff. Kyle still thought they all had cooties, though, and stuck to Stan's side like glue.
Then there was Kenny.
If anything, he was the one who had changed the most. After his parents had gotten busted for having a meth lab in their basement, Kenny had been sent to live with his uncle and aunt in East Park. No one knew what exactly had happened, but Kenny was now officially banned from ever going back to East Park. He was now regarded as a bit of a badass punk. Who…..you know, died a lot. That hadn't changed either. Though less frequent as he got older, Kenny just couldn't keep himself alive for more than two weeks at a time. That, for some INEXPLICABLE reason, made that poor piece of trash irresistible to the opposite sex. He was going to grow up to be a manwhore, Cartman was SURE of it.
And as for Eric? How had he changed? He was still a manipulative little bastard, just a bit taller.
He sighed and just glared at Stan. "Very funny, butt hole. As it just so happens, the idea I have is absolutely awesome." Kyle rolled his eyes, but he just ignored it. "Look, I just heard from a reliable source that Butters, yes BUTTERS, has had sex before us."
The reaction was immediate.
Stan choked on the Pepsi he'd been drinking, Kyle's mouth flew open, and Kenny looked like he was going to have a stroke. Cartman nodded gravely. "I'm afraid it's true gentlemen. Many of our fellow classmates have discovered the joy that is sexual intercourse, and I think aside from Kenny, we're all virgins, right?"
Through his hood, Kenny yelled for Cartman to go fuck himself.
Kyle still looked utterly shocked. "How? How could BUTTERS have sex before US? Butters SUCKS, dude!"
"Yes, in more ways than one." Kenny laughed at that. Eric continued, "Gentlemen, this horrendous event cannot go unchallenged. We need to get us some poon tang before the rest of our grade leaves us behind in the dirt." Kyle looked slightly uncomfortable, but Kenny looked ready to do cartwheels in his joy.
Stan tilted his head, confused. "But Cartman, none of us have girlfriends. Wendy's with Token, and Bebe still doesn't want to talk to me. Where are we gonna find some loose women?"
Eric just smiled evilly, making Kyle even MORE uncomfortable. "Who says we need women?" Dead silence. "Listen you guys, getting our dicks sucked counts as sex, right? So why don't we just…. You know…. Blow each other and call it even?"
"NOT A CHANCE." Kyle stood up fast, cheeks flushed red. "There is no way that you are EVER going to get me to suck ANYONE'S dick, fat ass."
"I'll do it!" Kenny was still eager to get the show on the road, and Cartman knew for a fact that he'd do just about anything for about $30. Stan and Kyle gave him disgusted looks, but Kenny just shrugged. "What? I've been told that I suck a damn fine cock---"
"We GET IT, Kenny!!"
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He wanted to kill Cartman.
But that was a normal occurrence.
Kyle Brofloski had spent the better part of his childhood hating everything about that fat piece of crap, and the feeling had always been mutual. The scale of their one-upmanship fights was colossal, and often very dangerous (but very fun to watch, according to Kenny). For twelve years, they've done nothing but yell at each other and try to kill the other.
And yet, he ALWAYS went along with what Cartman wanted.
"If I don't have a heart attack before this is over, I'm going to kick your ass harder than it's ever been kicked, I swear to GOD."
Cartman just laughed. "Oh brother, like God's gonna give a shit what a Jew says. Kyle, just stop your PMSing and strip down. The faster we do this, the sooner we get some serious bragging rights." Kyle gritted his teeth. How badly did he want to avoid jail? Because killing Cartman seemed VERY feasible at the moment…
"Dude, just chill, okay?" Stan was already halfway undressed. Always the jock, Stan's chest and abs had already formed into what would someday be a six-pack. Kyle felt really self-conscious as he stared at his friend's body. His physique was nowhere near as perfect, as he was nothing but a skinny little Jewish boy. Stan smiled reassuringly at him and patted his shoulder. "Dude, don't think about the fact that it's Kenny. Try and think about how cool we're gonna be when we tell everyone we had sex!! Kyle, that's some serious street cred. Everyone will envy us!"
Kyle blushed furiously. "Well I'll TRY, but this is STILL a very bad idea." He glanced nervously at an already naked Kenny McCormick, who chuckled and threw him a wink. He shuddered violently. Was it his imagination, or did Kenny like the idea of sucking off his best friends a little TOO much? Maybe Cartman was right, and Kenny WAS a slut in training. He DID say he knew how to do this…
"God, will you hurry up Kyle?! You're first!!"
Cartman's voice in his ear jarred Kyle from his thoughts, and he finished undressing, shyly trying to cover up his privates with his unshanka. "Oh no way dude, it was YOUR idea. YOU go first."
Kenny started laughing again. "I don't care WHO goes first, so long as we hurry this up."
Stan glared, and put a hand on Kyle's shoulder, which made the redhead blush in embarrassment. He was always standing up for Kyle… "My mom's gonna be home in two hours, Cartman. Get going."
"Awright, fine." It was Cartman's turn to look uncomfortable now. Kyle chuckled to himself. Somehow, he knew that Cartman had planned on getting out of there before having to do anything. He walked slowly over to Kenny, eyes darting all over the place. Stan and Kyle watched from the safety of the other side of the room, and watched in horror as Kenny took total control of the situation.
It was DISGUSTING.
In all his years, Kyle thought he could never find that level of gross-out, but boy oh boy had he found it. He gagged slightly and looked away, but the noise still reached his ears. H shut his eyes tightly. Sweet CHRIST, what could Kenny possibly be doing to Cartman to make him SOUND like that?! After a while, the noises ceased after a long, loud yell from Cartman, and only then did Kyle look up. Cartman was a mess, sweat pouring down his face and the front of his body, hair completely tussled, with a big goofy grin plastered on his face. "God…..DAMN….", he whispered, as he thumped Kenny on the back good-naturedly. "Kenny, I'm serious. Become a porn star. You'll make MILLIONS."
Stan gulped, but smiled shakily. "So….. how was it?"
Kenny grinned wickedly and stretched. "Not bad at ALL, really." He winked at Cartman, who took a playful swing at him and missed. "Easy darling, don't want me to ruffle your feathers again, do you?" That broke the uncomfortable silence somewhat, and they all laughed. Rubbing his hands together, Kenny looked around. "Alright, who's next?"
-------
"Oh god….. Tell me we didn't just do that."
"I'd love to Kyle, but we did."
Four hours later, everyone was good and blown, and the four of them were chilling in Cartman's basement. Kyle was, of course, freaking out. "Dude…. DUDE…. Have you got any idea how much trouble I'm going to get in if my parents knew?" He hadn't sit down since it was his turn, and the color hadn't left his cheeks. What had they DONE?! When it was happening, the whole world seemed to be in a haze, and he hadn't thought clearly. Kyle couldn't even remember it happening, only that it had felt really, REALLY, terrifically awesome. Kyle shook his head, attempting to clear it. He couldn't remember what had happened. After a while, it hadn't been just Kenny, and he was almost positive he had done something to Cartman… That was a thought that he didn't want to have.
The Jewish tirade was obviously pissing off Cartman. "Shut the hell up, Kyle!!" He sighed deeply, and stared at his compatriots seriously. "Listen you guys, we need to keep this TOTALLY secret, okay? No one can know about this, especially not our moms." He turned and glared at Kyle. "That means you, Jew. You always ALWAYS rat us out, and so help me God I'll kill you if you do it this time."
"Oh don't worry, Cartman. No amount of money will ever make me confess to giving YOU a blowjob." Kyle was swiftly smacked upside the head.
Kenny, of course, just laughed.
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A/N: NONE of these characters belong to me. If they did, then you'd see a WHOLE lot more slash……