TITLE: In Later Days
AUTHOR: Erykah Miszti
EMAIL: erykah@hamadryad.com
WEBSITE: http://www.erykah.net/
SUMMARY: A variation on Marcus not having died. Marcus POV.
SPOILERS: Nothing beyond Marcus dying.
NOTE: This is definitely A/U.
RATING: G
DISCLAIMER: All characters and their basic situations belong to JMS and some big nasty corporations.
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Guilt. Anxiety. Pain. Stress. Betrayal.
It's not an easy path I'm walking on but I've come a long way to get here and I'm NOT going back now. I wont pretend that I even wanted to be here. If I could have died, then I would have. I never realised how much I was cared for, how many friends I truly had. Even I hadn't understood the locks I'd been placing on my heart, or that I was cementing them there with my own lack of tears.
It was only a little death in the grand scheme of things. Only a few minutes before Stephen dragged me back into the universe I'd committed such a desperate act to leave.
I tried so hard to be strong. I didn't need anyone. I was surviving. Yes, in a manner I was. Time moved for my body, if not for my soul and perhaps I can even forgive myself for never noticing how badly I was coping with this daft game we call life.
Perhaps they thought me strong. Perhaps they didn't notice that I wasn't waving but drowning. I expect they were as surprised as I was that I finally cracked. I may have lost my mind but it's good to know that I retain my impeccable sense of style, even in so strange a crisis.
Guilt's a funny thing. It doesn't seem to need a direct cause to cut your legs right out from under you. Absolute absence of cause seems to bring it on in a way that's almost worse. Almost? Listen to me, eh? Eternal denial. It IS worse. It's the not knowing, you see? Was I responsible for what happened so long ago? Did I cause my world to turn to hell? Was there the slightest damned thing that I could have done to change things?
I don't know. That's the hardest fact to live with. I'll never know.
Everyone I've ever loved has wound up leaving me one way or another. Some walked out under their own steam and some took a more ethereal path. Same difference. They left me. It's hard to believe that that's not my fault too.
I've thought about this a lot. I've talked it over with Kel'ta, my Minbari spiritual counsellor. Hark at me! All that time during my training on Minbar I avoided having to talk to the counsellors but here I am.. of my own free will.
Yes, a lot of things have changed since I died.
I used to tell myself that I content, even happy, to be alone. Apparently there are people out there who say that and really mean it. I haven't met any though. Liars. The lot of them.
Being alone meant that no one could hurt me and that I couldn't hurt anyone else. Amazing how the mind twists guilt. Stay away from people to protect them from yourself. Never open your heart, not because you don't want to let anyone inside, but because you're scared of what may come out from inside your soul. Love at a distance, means they're safe from you and pain you can bring them.
Kel'ta and I talk about most things freely now. I never believed I could tell anyone the things inside my head. She let's me scream and cry if I need to. Unbelievably she's not a religious caste Minbari but rather from the warrior caste. Seems they believe that suppressed rage is bad in a warrior and their counsellors are trained to encourage the expression of anger. The last thing I expected was for counselling sessions to turn into pike fights. Sometimes we just sit and fight the locks to express my geuine thoughts. No jokes. No defenses. I know she'll never betray a word I say to her in confidence.
B5 is a different place for me now. I'm stuck here on suspencion from the Rangers. Confined to the station, for however long it takes them to decide that I've served my punishment. Ordinarily I'd have gotten booted out for abandoning the fight but I know a few people in high places who owe me the odd favour.
I don't know yet if I'll go back to Minbar to join them. I never wanted to be a Ranger. To be honest, I never wanted to run a mining colony either. I've never been sure what I wanted to do. I was born. Horrible things happened. I wound up here. I'm not worrying about it too much though. For now, I'm just happy existing.
That seems strange. It took dying to make me appreciate living. Oh, the things I'd have missed if I'd died! I'd never have met Byron. Utter pansy but a good man at heart. At least he never got me singing! He was a good friend. Without him looking after those first few months, I really might have lost my mind.
Then Delenn, of course. She's my rock. She's suffered and survived. My problems feel like nothing compared to hers but she's always there to smile and play mum. Sheridan doesn't understand our relationship but he then he has bigger things to worry about, being President and all. He's a good man. I hope history treats him kindly. And there's Zack, party animal.. though you'd never guess it to look at him.
Stephen calls me every day from Mars. He's settled just fine into his new role. That man always bounces back. I miss him. I miss Friday nights in the Eclipse Cafe, spending all his credits on bad alcohol and dancing girls. These days I have to spend my own.
For the stranger moments, there's Elizabeth too. Odd woman. Like Ivanova on stims. Great Captain though and she tolerates my interferance better than Susan did. Just because I'm not an official member of the crew or the Rangers, doesn't mean I can't be useful.. once in a while.
I have only one regret that I let myself dwell on these days. Susan. She left while I was still in recovery. I wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye. She did come back to the station several months back, some issue with shadow tech onboard her new warship. I stayed out of her way. Coward, that I am.
Oh Susan. I wish I could work out how I feel about you. One moment I'm convinced that I love you more than breathing. The next I wonder if it was all just a symptom of my madness. It was easy to believe I loved you. The more it seemed to me that you'd reject me, the more I wanted to be with you.. and that's what makes me disbelieve my heart. I was like a animal, wanting to be punished, to be rejected for crimes that weren't my fault. The universe, life, had to seem unfair to me to justify my guilt and loneliness. Did I fixate on you because I knew you'd never want me? I never would have said the words if I hadn't expected to die. I never wanted to hurt you.
It's a fine line, knowing when to speak and when to stay silent so as not to cause pain. Most people aren't as fragile as I thought, especially my friends. They've proven that they can take my anger, probably better than they take my humour in fact.
I have just that one ghost left and she's far away. That's what I'll do when my confinement here's over. I'll go to her and tell her the truth. She'll listen to me. She has to. Maybe we can work out how we feel together.
Dealing with the guilt is such a long road, especially as we accumulate so much more baggage every single day. I'm trying. It's all I can do.