"Be brave and want me back"
Dear Diary – I think I've lost her forever…
"Be brave and want me back" is all that is going round and round in my head right now. The pain in her voice when she said it made my heart seize up, I was a horrible person to walk away from her but I'm so scared no I'm terrified. I know recently my entries have been about a certain twin and how my head is very confused but this entry is tearing me up inside. My eyes haven't been dry since walking away from the one person that makes me happy. Happy, listen to me. I am such an idiot, why did I walk away from someone who makes me happy? Why didn't I turn back around and run into her arms and tell her how I really feel? I'll tell you why and it's pathetic really but I don't think I'm good enough for her and I'm scared that I'll break her heart, more than I already have… Yes you read it right Naomi Campbell is scared. I've never felt like this before EVER I'm not used to opening up to people, I mean Naomi doesn't need friends – she doesn't want friends, she does fine without them, but this time I really think I've fucked up : ( You know yesterday I wrote about Emily staying over and how I freaked myself out because I went to stroke her hair, because truth be told she looked so peaceful sleeping that it was like I had no control over my arm, it just had to feel the softness of her hair. I scared myself, there's that word again. Why does she scare me so much??? So I left her in my bed and went to college early. She caught up with me and told me she got the message and she'd manage. I hated that because I didn't intend to give off any message, me leaving her was just me running away from how I was feeling. I don't think I realised what I was feeling until Cook said "getting your girlfriend to hold your hand." I ran off after that, leaving Emily yet again. I went to Kerian in floods of tears making out it was Cook but I think the tears were because of the word 'girlfriend' it freaked me out I'm not gay or am I?? Kerian kissed me it was horrible, like seriously he's old enough to be my Dad! I ran home in tears after that thinking all I wanted to do was run into Emily's arms but I couldn't, I didn't want to admit to myself that I might actually be falling in love with her. Besides after leaving her twice in a day and telling her to leave me alone I don't think she'd wanna see me.
But I was wrong she did want to see me and this is where we get to the reason this entry is tearing me up inside. I fell asleep not last night but the night before after crying myself to sleep and holding a note Emily had left me in my bed, it was so sweet it read 'Emily Slept Here : )' see how nice she is after I've been a total bitch to her. So I woke up and the note was stuck to my cheek I smiled and took it off, went over to the mirror and you guessed it, EMILY had rubbed off on my cheek. I started to rub it off but then something hit me don't leave her again so I did something brave. I picked up the phone and pressed speed dial 1, yes I know she's the first person on my speed dial but she's the first person I turn to always. I asked her if we could go somewhere, anywhere and we went to the lake. It was so funny watching her cycle she is so cute trying to keep her balance. Eeeek look I'm giving it away so bad that she's got a hold on me. Anyways we were standing by the lake and she started undressing I literally was like staring and I swear she knew what she was doing, little flirt. I did the whole innocent 'I didn't bring a swimming costume' I knew she didn't I was there when she packed her bag she was so trying to get a reaction out of me. So I played along I turned my back and took off my clothes telling her not to look. I knew exactly what I was doing and writing this now I don't understand why I'm in my room writing in a stupid diary and not with Emily. I knew she'd look it was all a game, pushing her into the lake was fun. I jumped in after, it was bloody freezing. So yeah it started to get dark and we were sitting drinking and Emily was lighting up a splif then she rested her hand on mine. I'm not kidding my whole body twinged, like an electric pulse had just been sent through me. I managed to smile and then she asked to do blowbacks I didn't want to sound stupid so made out I thought they were crap even though I'd never tried them. And that was the start of the shit I'm in now, after the blowback our eyes just locked together. In that moment I forgot everything, all my fears and just closed my eyes and listened to my heart. I leant in and kissed her I know what your thinking I KISSED HER up until then it was always her kissing me and me running away but this time I listened to what my heart desired. The kiss started off soft and gentle but then the kiss intensified, I couldn't help it I moaned and longed for more but then came the scared Naomi and I started to push her back. This was the point she placed tiny kisses on my neck, which made me feel all funny in a certain place. I stopped her and we just stared at each other. 'say something' I said and her response was 'I'm all about experiments me' so with the added help of being slightly high and drunk I did something I never ever thought I would do. The kisses became intensified, hands were everywhere, clothes were coming off and in that moment everything else didn't matter all that mattered was Emily. Yeah you guessed it my first time EVER and it was with a girl. I know I made out I'd had cock to Emily but it was all lies. Thinking about it now we were each others first and that's defiantly something to smile about : ) But I'm sitting here crying alone in my room because again here's that word, I got scared. I stupidly walked away from her left her near the lake, why didn't I turn around. So now I sit here with 'be brave and want me back' running round and round in my head. The word brave stands out, Emily knows me more than I realise, I need to be brave I need to see her. OMG I think I'm finally admitting it to myself. I do need somebody, want somebody I want Emily. I want to feel her skin against mine again and feel the warmth between us, I need too hear that husky sexy voice OK I admit it I need her. I've got to go tell her now, I need her to know how I feel I need to tell her that I love Emily Fitch.
Wish me luck
Naomi xoxox