3am. 3amand Dougie was awake. Dougie was awake and staring at the ceiling for the fourth night this week. Time was passing oddly, he considered; sometimes flying by in leaps and bounds, the sun rising before he had even realised the clock had passed midnight, and other times passing so slowly he felt he aged an entire year with each minute that ticked ever so slowly by.
One moment he felt on top of the world, he was confident, over confident perhaps, talking at 100mph, practically bouncing off the walls. The next he was crashing, falling, he could barely bring himself to breathe let alone move from the floor. Let alone get out on stage in front of hundreds of people.
Dougie's thoughts were interrupted by the creak of springs above him as Harry rolled over in his sleep 'lucky bastard' Dougie thought, sighing. He checked the time on his phone, 3:17 the blinding screen told him. He groaned under his breath, he contemplated trying to sleep but soon abandoned another abortive attempt.
With what felt like all of the effort his small body possessed, he dragged his legs from his bunk and crept slowly into the lounge of the tour bus. He sat on the soft leather sofa, knees tucked under his chin, watching as cars and lights flashed by. Dougie had no idea where they were, somewhere up north he supposed. He didn't really care all that much, to be honest each show seemed to blend into the next, a relentless cycle of playing a gig, a sleepless night on the tour bus, forcing a smile, forcing himself to play another gig, another sleepless night, etc. etc.
Although he wished to be sleeping soundly like the rest of his band, sometimes Dougie felt like these lonely hours in the early morning were when he was most himself; no cameras, no fans, no interviews, no managers, no concerned band mates.
6 more tour dates, 6 more nights and he could stop pretending. Stop pretending to smile for the camera. Stop pretending he wanted to be on stage. Stop pretending to be okay just so his bandmates wouldn't worry. He might be the youngest, but Dougie wasn't stupid. He could tell his bandmates were growing increasingly concerned about how he was acting. Its not like he wasn't trying, Dougie reasoned to himself, but the band knew him well, too well. 10 whole years of being a band, of course they could see through his lies. But he only needed to pretend for 6 more days, just 6 more days he reminded himself and then he could finally be alone. He could finally stop pretending.
"Dougie?" Dougie was abruptly torn from his thoughts as Harry's deep voice called his name.
Dougie looked up to see his bandmate stood in t-shirt and boxers, ruffled hair and crinkled brow, frowning at the younger man in concern.
"What're you doing up mate? Its almost 4am?" Harry asked quietly, when it became clear Dougie was not about to be the first to speak.
Dougie merely shrugged in response.
He had not expected his nightly, depressed musings to be interrupted, the change of routine had thrown him and he couldn't find it in him to make the words leave his throat.
Illuminated only by the passing streetlights, Harry surveyed his friend, what exactly he seemed to be searching for Dougie did not know but he didn't seem to find it as he sat himself besides the blonde sighing ever so slightly.
For a moment neither man spoke, they merely sat in silence, listening to the other breathing quietly.
"You know you can tell me anything? Right, Dougs?" Harry questioned, finally breaking the almost awkward silence.
Dougie bit his lip, holding back the words that seemed to want to spill from his mouth, holding back the confessions he could not tell. He nodded slightly "Of course I do, Haz. " he whispered, his voice feeling too loud for the deadly quiet of 4am. "Of course I do." he murmured again, trying to convince himself than his bandmate.
Harry held eye contact with the blonde for a fraction of a second before Dougie looked away, staring at his knees. They sat for a few moments more, the quiet buzz of the engine heard clearly over the lack of conversation.
"So" Harry ventured "what are you doing up at almost 4am?"
"Couldn't sleep" Dougie mumbled into his knees. They both knew he hadn't slept at all, Harry guessed correctly that he hadn't slept in far too long. They both knew this was a lot more than one sleepless night. This truth hung, unsaid in the air between them.
Unable to think of any words to say, Harry rested his head gently on Dougie's shoulder, and after a minute or so some of the tension seemed to leave Dougie's body. The stayed like this for a while, their breathing deepening, slowing down as the sun began to rise on the road below.
"You'll be okay you know" Harry whispered through the semi darkness. He didn't say that he knew Dougie wasn't okay. It didn't need saying, they'd both known for a while now.
"I know" Dougie less than whispered back, his voice cracking slightly and his eyes springing with tears Dougie didn't know he had left. He closed his eyes to hide these tears from Harry, and as he did so he felt a wave of tiredness wash over him. He leant into the drummer's toned chest and breathed in his comforting scent. He knew Harry would want to talk to him in the morning, would want to discuss everything they'd left unsaid in the dark. But for now, Dougie felt himself relax for the first time in days and unconsciousness swept over him.