A/N: This story is a mesh of the Gaang, after meeting the Order of the White Lotus and before departing on their separate missions. It always struck me as odd that here you have a group of kids, being sent off by a group of seasoned adults and master benders to stop the Fire Lord's massive army. So what was going through the minds of Team Avatar? That's what I'm exploring.
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING
Avatar: The Last Airbender How to Say GoodbyeChapter 1: If the Worst Should Happen
The motionless clouds, tinged in the hues of orange and crimson red with the coming of the rising sun lay frozen against the airless sky, a harrowing and unsettling omen to the young woman watching the first traces of daybreak emerge over the mountains. It seemed unnatural that the wind should choose today of all days to lay silent. The day of Sozin's Comet, and the day Aang would face the Fire Lord for the future of the world. Despite her best efforts of clinging to what little hopeless optimism she maintained, she could not deny the mounting fear that the dying wind was not an ominous foretelling of today's events.
'Spirits, I beg you…please keep Aang safe…' It was a prayer she had uttered for the better part of an hour, and still felt no more comforted by the hopes that she would see the airbender again than when she had started. It was a crushing emotion, knowing that her best friend, the person she had come to cherish most in this world was lost somewhere in the distant unknown, expected to fight a battle none of them were sure he could win. And the worst of it was, the very worst, was that she wasn't there to stand with him.
Since his disappearance she had wondered if his abandonment of their makeshift family was in someway their fault. They had pressured him, browbeat him, told him that he would need to do the one thing that went against the very core principle of his beliefs, and none of them fully understood what that meant. Only now after his disappearance, when she had time to consider his values, his very convictions on the preservation of life, did she grasp the turmoil that this decision would cause him. When taken into consideration that he resolutely refused the need to take one life so that millions would be saved, because Aang held each life in equal regard to every other, no matter how unredeemable or insignificant, every life was precious.
Aang had lost his entire culture to the war. His people, his home and his history were eradicated from the world in the Fire Nation's quest to destroy him. Yet despite all that, he persevered. He did not forget, he would never forget. But he did forgive. When weighed against to her own loss, the loss of her mother and her undying hatred of the man who had taken her away, Katara's own values seem small and petty by comparison. But Aang had forgiven her for that too. Like everything about him, Aang's compassion was a precious treasure in a world of hatred and war, and Katara's biggest regret was never appreciating him as much as he deserved. If he lived through his battle…if they both survived, she would never take him for granted again. That was her only solace.
The solid footfalls against the packed earth drew her attention only briefly from the serene sunrise as she watched with mild interest the fluid gait of the man who made his way to stand beside her. When his steps at last ceased, she returned her attention to the ever-lightening sky.
"You still have a few hours before you depart for the capital," Iroh said, his sagely voice echoing exceptionally loud in the quiet din of the slumbering campsite. "Perhaps you should try to get some more sleep."
Smiling partly at her own thoughts on the subject, Katara sighed in restless worry before shaking her head at the recommendation, "I can't sleep. There's just…too many things going through my mind right now."
Silence passed between the pair again as they stared out into the distant nowhere, willing themselves to find what little source of comfort may come to them in the fading moments of peace filled serenity. After a moment of silent reverence to the picturesque image before them, the spell was broken by Iroh's words, "I hope I am not being too forward by asking what is on your mind."
A mirthless chuckle escaped Katara's lips as she shook her head in response to the ironic banter, "Do you even need to ask General Iroh?"
"No, I suppose I don't," the old man said with silent agreement before continuing, "But I find that the unburdening of a troubled mind is much like a good cup of tea…it's best when poured freely from the source."
Katara pursed her lips and turned her face towards the general, her eyes making no effort to hide the obvious confusion from his statement. After a beat however, she decided to let the subject drop and turn her attention back to the sunrise. A few deep, meditative breaths escaped the young woman's lips before she addressed the man at her side. "Do you believe we can win General Iroh?"
It was not an unexpected question, however the barest hint of a tremor eliciting from her voice caused the older man to hesitate before he spoke. "If you are asking me if we will win the war, I cannot say with any degree of certainty. However, I do know that we have less to gain by failing than we have by succeeding.
"There are many who have placed their hopes upon us, and for that we must do all we can reestablish peace by ending this war," Iroh stated heavily, his words sounding tired and empty as he shook his head in quiet despondence. "That is a burden that should be carried by the old, not those of you who are still so very young. It is my failure that has brought you and your friends to this final confrontation, and that will be a burden I will carry until the end of my days…"
"I don't understand General Iroh," Katara asked, her eyes focusing once more on the man at her side. "How can you think this is in any way your fault?"
"Because I knew my brother better than anyone. I knew what he was capable of, what he was becoming and chose to ignore it." After another pregnant pause that seemed to fill the air with building tension, Iroh persisted, "At the time, shortly before Ozai's ascension as heir of the Fire Nation, I lost my son Lu Ten in the siege of Ba Sing Se. I…I lost everything I ever cared about in that moment, and took no objection when my brother usurped my birthright of succession. If I had been more astute, I would have seen this eventuality and halted my brother's ambitions, I could have put an end to this war…but I didn't. I was too consumed by my own grief to realize what my brother had achieved at the expense of my anguish.
"I failed to act, and because of that, all that has transpired since can be laid solely at my feet." Iroh spoke, his voice hauntingly hollow and thick with regret.
Katara had no way of knowing what to say, and responded simply by putting her hand to his arm in a show of comfort. "It's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for that."
"Neither can you," the Grand Lotus spoke as he fixed a shrewd look to the young waterbender.
Surprised by the sudden turn, Katara withdrew her arm and turned her eyes in confusion towards the older man. "I don't understand what you're saying…"
"The Avatar," Iroh answered plainly, his expression an unreadable continence. In response to Katara's apparent alarm, he shook his head briefly before continuing. "I have spoken to several of your friends. They seem to be under the impression that you blame yourself for his departure."
At the simple statement, Katara seemed to deflate upon herself, her head bowing in unspoken shame and regret. She wasn't quite sure what to say or even how, thus she was surprised by the first words out of her."We had a fight."
Nodding simply as a sign for her to continue, she hemmed and hauled her exposition until the words began bubbling forth in a tide of confession she couldn't stop. "It all happened back on Ember Island. He…he wanted to talk about our relationship and I just wasn't sure what I was feeling and maybe he pushed too hard or I just wanted to run too much but all that happened was a bigger mess than before it started and now I don't know what I'm going to do.
"I mean, I never wanted to hurt him," Katara continued, and though she was only vaguely aware of the fact that once she began speaking on the subject she couldn't stop, she found it somewhat liberating to unload her burden. "I'm just…scared I guess. I still am. But now, I've no idea where he is or what's going to happen to him or to me and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to make things right between us."
After another moment of silence, Iroh's voice spliced the air once more. "The fact that you want to 'fix' your relationship with the Avatar tells me that you at least acknowledge what it is you want. Though, I do not think there is anything that needs to be 'fixed'."
"But…" Katara began, her own indecision halting the flow of words that would otherwise be forthcoming. She knew what she wanted, what it was she wished for her future and yet, now that he had disappeared, she felt lost and uncertain. "I've messed things up. He wanted to talk about our relationship and I completely shut down. I told him I was confused when I was really just scared. I ran from his admission when I should have talked it out with him and I hurt him when I all I ever wanted was to protect him…and myself. And I'm terrified that I may never get the chance to make up for that."
"Do not doubt the future when it is not yet written," Iroh said. "The Avatar will return, I have no doubt of that."
The conviction by which the former general spoke brought a searching glance to the young waterbender as she weighed the absolution of the man's words. "How can you be so sure?"
"Because you are still in this world," Iroh answered, startling the young woman with his matter-of-fact tone. "When we were in Ba Sing Se, in search of you and my nephew, the Avatar spoke in length of his attachment to this world. While on his quest to master the Avatar State, he was forced to make a decision between limitless power, and love.
"He chose love."
Though his words were delivered in vague enigma, the piercing look delivered to Katara left no question that she was the subject of this declaration. "You mean…he chose…me?" The realization brought an assault of emotions ranging from trepidation to humility to unquenchable bliss, and she was left staggered by the emotional siege. "H-how can he still love me, chose me after everything I said and didn't say? I've messed everything up and now I may never have the chance to make it right."
"If you truly care for the Avatar, as I believe you do, then you will find a way. He will come back, because he has you to come back to…"
"That is true," Katara replied, her words hitching in her voice as her own doubt redoubled within her. "But there's no evidence I'll make it back alive…"
Iroh was slightly taken aback by the harsh assessment, his brow furrowing as he struggled to remedy the young woman's fears. "Use that as your strength Katara. Just as the Avatar has you as his motivation to succeed and return safely, use your desire to amend your relationship with him as your motivation to survive your battle."
"It's not that easy General Iroh, and you know it…" Katara whispered, fighting the tears that stung at the corner of her eyes. "You know as well as I do that there's no guarantee any of us will live through this, in fact, the odds are very much in favor that few of us will live through the day." She fell silent once again, a single, bitter tear burning its path along the course of her cheek. For several minutes the two remained silent, Katara fighting the overwhelming emotions that she had bottled up for so long, and Iroh, at a loss as to what to say.
At last the young waterbender raised her shimmering eyes and fixed the Grand Lotus with a poignant stare that seemed both determined and unsure at the same time. "I have a request General Iroh," she said, her voice coming hauntingly unsteady but equally resolute. "If the worst should happen, if I don't make it back from my battle with Azula, will you tell Aang for me…" she paused as a hitched sob broke through her lips and it took a moment for Katara to regain her composure before finishing, "If Aang survives his battle, but I don't, please tell him I'm sorry."
With those words, Katara turned and made her way back to her tent, leaving Iroh to wonder how greatly he failed in his life when children were forced to shoulder the responsibilities of their forefathers. Iroh prayed to the spirits that they would all live through this, but equally knew the folly of hope. It was a reminder of when his son Lu Ten died.