The Lord of the Rings: The Untold Version

Summary: We all love LotR, but come on; it can be rather fun to make fun of at times. What you will see if you click on the little link above will be a serious parody…if that makes any sense at all…which it probably doesn't. Oh well.

A/N: The Original Fellowship of the Ring transcript can be viewed at http : www . stupidring . com / fotrscript / (just take out the spaces).

THE BEGINNING, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE PROLOGUE

"I amar prestar aen... (The world is changed)
han mathon ne nen...(I feel it in the water)
han mathon ne chae...(I feel it in the Earth)
a han noston ned 'wilith. (I smell it in the air)
Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it…(except for me of course)…" Galadrial begins 'her' tale enthusiastically, speaking in a misty, fortune-teller sort of way to create an air of mystery.

After pausing briefly for suspense, she continues: "It began with the forging of the great rings—only they didn't turn out to be so great, but I'll be getting to that later. Three of these "great" rings were given to the Elves, the best, brightest, and most fabulous of all beings (can you tell that I'm one?). Seven to the Dwarf lords, nasty, bearded little creatures that live in caves and wake up evil, fiery beasts. And nine, nine rings (I don't know why they got to have so many more than anyone else) were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else, desire power (and pretty, shiny things). For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race (which is why the Elves didn't need as many of them, they have more strength and will of their own than any other race). Anyway, they were all of them deceived (even the wise and fair Elves), for another ring was made.

"In the land of Mordor, in the fiery hellhole of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. And into this ring, he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life (along with adding the ability to make the wearer invisible, because he could, and it was nifty).

"'One Ring to rule them all.'

"One by one by one and so on, the free lands in Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring (a highly creative name if I do say so myself). But there were some who resisted (as can be expected when a psychotic maniac is attempting to take over the world). A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor and on the slopes of Mount Doom (also very originally named) they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth (or at least for their own freedom, seeing as some of them were a tad more selfish)," she finishes for the moment as her mind returns to the events of the First Alliance.

She had not been there, of course, but she had seen what had transpired through her mirror—it really could come in handy at times. There had been many Men, Elves, and Orcs assembled, ready for the great battle of their time and the determination of the fate of Middle Earth. Gil-Galad, Elrond, and Elendil were there, looking determinedly across at the vast army of orcs assembled on the opposite side of the battlefield. The orcs snarled back, showing fanglike, yellow teeth. Then the Orcs attacked as elven archers fired relentlessly upon them.

Elrond's voice was audible over the sound of the battle. "Tangado haid! Hado i philinn! (Hold your positions! Fire the arrows!)"

The Elves raised their bows and released arrow upon arrow at the rushing orcs, taking down quite a few. As the orcs reached the line, the elves swung their swords up as one entity, slicing into their foe. Soon all were engaged in combat.

Galadrial dwelled upon the memory for a moment before continuing from where she had left off. "Victory was near…sort of. But the power of the Ring could not be undone (except by throwing it into the pit of Mount Doom, which…well, I don't want to ruin the whole story now, do I?"

Falling back into the memory of what she had seen in her mirror, she recalled the way Sauron had strode onto the battlefield in all his evil glory. He was clad in heavy armor from head to toe. Not an inch of him was left exposed. Galadrial had been somewhat dismayed by this fact, she had always been quite the curious, nosy queen. And Sauron might be handsome…if he ever needed a Dark Queen…Anyway, everyone looked upon him in terror. The Dark Lord towered above all else, brandishing a mace and his evil, glowing Ring of Power. Some of the warriors suddenly loose their courage to fight, looking remarkably like their going to wet themselves from fear. They have every reason to. With one foul swoop of his mace, warriors were sent flying, as if they weighed no more than empty barrels. Seeing as how this tactic seems quite affective, Sauron repeats it. Elendil, very bravely, or perhaps foolishly, raises his sword to strike out at the monster, but Sauron easily avoids the blow and flings the king rather harshly onto a rock, where he crumples like a piece of paper. Shocked and more than a little horrified, Isildur had rushed to his fathers side despite the battle raging on about him.

Galadrial awoke from her memories once more just in time to say her line. "It was in this moment when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword." Line said, she let herself become enthralled in the vision she had seen in her mirror again.

Isildur grasped the hilt of his father's sword Narsil intent on extracting revenge upon his father's killer. His attempts at homicidal rage were quickly cut short as Sauron stomped down on the sword, easily shattering the blade. For some reason Sauron feels the need to reach towards Isildur, with what intent we shall probably never know. Perhaps he wished to choke poor Isildur rather than merely stab him. Anyway, not wanting to be touched by the evil, father-killing Dark Lord, Isildur let out a cry and desperately struck out at Sauron's hand with what remained of his father's sword. Amazingly enough, he managed to slice the One Ring right off Sauron's metal clad finger. Now it was Sauron's turn to cry out as he was separated from his beautiful piece of world-ruling jewelry. With that, he implodes, sending a shockwave throughout all those who surround him (though many had moved away upon his presence or otherwise been knocked away by his mace) and beyond. The warriors are knocked off their feet, literally. Sauron's armor is now all that is left of the evil Dark Lord and falls with a clang to the ground as the body that only moments before had resided in it escapes in the form of a vaporous mist.

"Sauron, the enemy of the free-peoples of Middle-Earth was defeated (and remarkably easily too—Why hadn't anyone thought of cutting the evil bastards ring off before?). The (Evil) Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever (which, naturally he didn't take).

"For, the hearts of men are easily corrupted (unlike the Elves'). And the Ring of Power has a will of its own (quite an amazing feat for a little metal band). It betrayed Isildur to his death (which sort of served him right). And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost (go figure).

"History became legend, legend became myth, (myth became ghost story, so on and so forth) and for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge (except for mine, of course). Until, when chance came, it ensnared (again, quite an amazing feat for an inanimate object with no hands) a new bearer."

Of course, it just had to chose a bearer just as insane and obsessive as it's former master: a creature named Gollum…er…Sméagol…er…Golgol?…Sméalum?…yeah. Anyway, he sort of had a bit of a problem with split personality disorder and a tendency to talk to himself. Perhaps we should just call him Gollum/Sméagol to be on the safe side.

Now we shall consult my lovely inanimate object, The Mirror of Galadrial (once more, another brilliantly named piece) on what exactly happened next.

Gollum/Sméagol sits in a dark, foreboding little cave, pathetically alone (which is unsurprising to anyone who has seen him or spoken to him).

Amazingly enough, he speaks…to himself…or his ring. Either way, it's kind of disturbing. "My Precioussssss." Yes, very disturbing.

Anyway…"The Ring came to the creature Gollum/Sméagol (or rather Gollum/Sméagol took the ring, but either way, it got to him), who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains (the Valar only know why). And there, it consumed him (not in the 'to take in as food' way, but the 'to destroy totally' regard).

Gollum/Sméagol gets rather bored and talks to himself a lot. "It came to me, my own, my love, my own, my prrrrreciousssss! Gollum." Yes, once again we are hit by the fact that he does indeed need intensive therapy.

Galadrial continues after a shudder at the sight of Gollum/Sméagol: "The Ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life (unfortunately). For five hundred years it poisoned his mind (which is a very long time for mortals, or so I am told). And in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited (at least as well as a ring is possible of waiting, but this is the One Ring, so I'm assuming it's waiting capacity is greater than just any normal old ring). Darkness crept back into the forest (as it would seem that there is only one in all of Arda) of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless (and faceless) fear, and the Ring of Power perceived (once again I would like to point out just how astounding this ring, The One Ring, truly is). Its time had now come (after but a brief 500 year or so break).

"It abandoned Gollum (poor thing).

"But something happened then the Ring did not intend (that is to say if it actually did 'intend' anything at all). It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable...(I bet you can't guess what it was…)

A fumbling, little, curly-haired creature comes upon the ring in the dark, fumbling aimlessly about. "What's this?" he asks, not knowing the power that he holds quite literally in the palm of his hand.

And the creature was…"A Hobbit: Bilbo Baggins of the Shire." Now wasn't that exciting?

Of course, not knowing what splendor he holds in his wee little palm, Bilbo simply proclaims it " A ring." He, of course, does not know that it is not just 'a ring,' but The One Ring. A subtle but highly important difference.

Although it's taken a moment for the poor, disturbed creature, Gollum/Sméagol finally notice that his beautiful 'birthday present' is missing, "Losssst! My precious is lost!"

And now it is time for us all to be scared for the future, "For the time will soon come when Hobbits will shape the fortunes of all." I'm not sure yet whether that's a good, or bad thing…though I'm soon we'll all find out soon enough.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Author's Note: Okay, so this fic isn't really off to that great of a start. I know that most of what I have down so far is just what happened in the movie with a few additions, but I've already written a few of the later scenes and I honestly have to say that it does get better if you're willing to stick around. Anyway, please let me know what you though. And thanks for reading.