Huddled Together for Warmth
***********************************
Shonen ai, even though it all takes place with Duo and Hilde in bed. Four years after the end of the war. (AC 199?) The title comes from Joyce Johnson's
Minor Characters: "They were sleeping together, but somehow it wasn't a love affair. They were like two friends who huddled together for warmth." (Johnson, 1983)**********************************
"Duo." Hilde's soft alto cut through the thick haze of the former Deathscythe pilot's sleep-fogged, afterglowed mind. He lifted his head, a tangled cascade of rich chestnut floating in faint electric wiggles around his elfin face.
"Hmph?" he responded intelligently.
Hilde's slender fingers stroked the hair from his face, her soft smile fading for the briefest of brief moments. "Duo...why are you here?"
Surprise was quickly followed by confusion in Duo's violet eyes. "What...what do you mean?"
The smile, so delicate in Hilde's finally-mature features, twisted almost sadly. "I know you better than you give me credit for, Duo. I know you've spent the last four years after the war not knowing what to do with yourself. Every few months you have a new idea, a new plan. And you set out, all hopeful and optimistic and smiling. And every time, things don't work out, and you show up on my doorstep, we spend a few nights in bed, and then you go hide with Quatre."
The Young Man Formerly Known as Shinigami let out a long sigh and let his head flop back down onto the pillow. "I'm sorry, Hilde."
Her sigh matched his, her fingers still twining in the long wayward strands of hair. "Don't be sorry, Duo, I don't mind. If I did, you'd have heard it by now. So answer my question. Why are you here? Right now?"
"Cause I'm too comfortable to get up?" Duo offered with a trace of his old famous grin, but he knew he wasn't getting out of it that easy. "Oy...'cause I thought...don't you love me, Hilde?"
Even with his eyes closed behind the curtain of hair that covered them, he could feel her smile disappear completely. "Yes, but...not like that. Not any more than you love me 'like that.' And you know it."
"Yeah. I guess I do." Lulled by the fingers stroking through his hair, and rattled by the conversation he was having, Duo elected to keep his eyes closed and his face hidden. Not that it would do any good. She was right. She did know him well. "It's just...it's nice to have somebody to come back to, even if we're not...I mean, to know there's at least somebody who isn't gonna reject me." A bitter laugh welled up despite his attempt to swallow it. "God. That sounded awful, didn't it? I'm sorry."
It almost surprised him that Hilde didn't seem too perturbed by his less-than-tactful confession. It probably shouldn't have, any more than it the fact that she picked up the innuendo in his words. "Who rejected you?" she asked, though she had an idea.
Duo let out a low groan. "You're gonna make me talk about this, aren't you?"
Just as he'd earlier sensed the disappearance of her smile, now he could feel her nod. "You know I am. You know I care for you, Duo...I'm your friend. And I enjoy these nights with you. But I don't like seeing you always unhappy, floating aimlessly around the galaxy in search of something to make you happy. Besides," she continued, "I might not be here for you forever."
Duo's head snapped up from the pillow, his violet eyes suddenly gone wide with what could only be fright. "Hilde? What--"
Her laugh, meant to be soothing, was anything but cheerful. "Relax, I'm not going anywhere now. No, I'm not dying, though that's what it looks like from your eyes. I only postulate," and her voice took on a lighter note, "that while it does begin to seem like an impossible eventuality, I may actually meet someone I want to spend my life with. Surprising as that might seem."
Duo blushed, burying his flaming face in the pillow. "Oh God...I am determined to make an utter fool of myself tonight, aren't I?" he mumbled ruefully. "Of course you will. You'll meet somebody who lights your world on fire, and I'd be a real asshole to try and keep you from it."
Hilde chuckled. "I'm not the one you need to worry about," she reminded him gently. "I like my life. I like training Preventers, I like my apartment, I like my friends, and I even like occasional visits from an old friend who makes me feel beautiful and wanted. You're the one I'm worried for. So who, or what, is it that you want?"
Duo didn't answer. Maybe if he pretended he was asleep she wouldn't make him say it? Naw, he knew better. No such luck there.
"All right," she sighed finally. "I know it's Heero, even if I don't know what happened between you. And you're obviously not going to tell me. So just answer me this--do you still want him?"
Duo's voice was muffled by the pillow and a mass of thick brown hair, but the lost loneliness in the tone was unmistakable. "Yes...yes, I do....."
Hilde's slender fingers slipped beneath his chin and turned his face up. "Then go close things with him," she said softly. "I've seen him, you know. He looks even more lost than you, though he was never as good at hiding it. Why don't you at least go talk to him?"
Duo snorted. "Talk things over with Heero? Yeah, that's an easy one. 'Hey, Heero, how's it goin? Just thought I'd tell ya I'm still in love with ya--just in case you wanted to break my heart again. Or for that matter my nose, since it finally got put back together.' Right. Maybe he really will kill me this time. He's threatened it enough." Speaking the words was like tearing off the skin over an old scar you thought was healed, bringing with it a new rush of pain.
Hilde slipped an arm behind his shoulders and pulled him against her. "He won't kill you," she said softly. "It's not his mission. None of you are Gundam pilots anymore." She sighed, and her breath ruffled the flyaway strands of Duo's loose, long hair. Even after the war was over he'd never entertained the notion of cutting it. "You don't have to tell him you love him. Just go talk to him. I think it'll be good for you, even if you do nothing more than reminisce about old times and go back home."
Duo was hiding his face in her shoulder, and showed no signs of emerging. "You sound like Quatre."
"Do I?" Hilde arched one graceful eyebrow that Duo could sense more than see. "Then I'm more sure than ever that you should do it. Quatre's a pretty smart guy."
"He'd do it, if it were him. But he's braver than me." The postwar years had convinced Duo that this was true. His entire life, the young Winner heir had taken on every mission anyone had ever set for him, and completed it without complaint. He was still instrumental in the diplomatic efforts between the Earth and the colonies. It was the least he deserved, Duo thought privately, to have Trowa there supporting him. Even if it made him blindly jealous that they had each other, and he had....
"That's not an excuse," Hilde informed him softly. "Which is more important, Duo? Being afraid, or being miserable?"
There was a long silence, through which neither moved, and the only sound was Duo's rhythmic, slightly choked breathing against Hilde's shoulder.
"All right." The quiet admission of defeat even felt heavy. "I suppose you know just where he is, too?"
Hilde just nodded into his hair. "Of course I do."
Duo looked up at her, his lips twisting in a faint echo of his old grin. "If he does try to kill me, you're in trouble, you know. You better be ready to patch me back up if this doesn't go well."
Hilde kissed his forehead, her own serene smile finally returning to grace her lips. "Of course I will," she promised. "Don't I always?"
**Owari**