They say the past is in the past. Yet I seem stuck in my memories, watching my past replay over and over each time I shut my eyes. I think I am going insane. It seems he is everywhere I look now. Everyone thinks I'm some skittish freak, and I am. I'm so scared. I'm scared of having to see him again. I'm scared of having to live my life alone.
He said he loved me. Even his eyes spoke it. Now, I realize though how meaningless it all was and how stupid I was to want to be his mate. As soon as he knew I was pregnant with his kittens, he left me. And now I am alone in the dark, my hand resting on my stomach. Occasionally I can feel the life inside me move. They will soon be born.
It is raining now as it was that night. He was so angry. He used to be so kind, but then he hit me and told me I had ruined everything. Maybe I did. He seems fine now, even happier than he was when he was with me. He ignores me and I him and so time marches on. The pain that rips through me when I see him with her is almost unbearable though.
I rarely show much emotion and so everything seems to get pent up inside. Sometimes I just want to scream, to cry, to do something that says "Hey! I'm dying inside because of you! Don't you care? Can't you just look at me?" But of course my thoughts stay thoughts and my pain still flows through my veins like poison.
I only wanted to be loved, and it seems like no one can. The only male who ever seemed to notice me was him and now he's gone. I wish I was the rain. It is a steady noise on the pipe where I am currently staying. I wish my life was steady. I look up now and see him sitting a few feet in front of me, just staring. Hope flutters in my heart but a nasty voice in my head tells me he is not here to apologize. I hear those voices all the time now.
I look down at the razor in my paw. A crazy half formed thought floats across my mind. I see myself slit my wrists. I see small rivers of blood flow down my arms as steady as the rain. Colors, red, purple, pink, envelope me but I can still hazily see him and I think that maybe he will save the kittens. I feel his arms around me and he tries to stop the bleeding. "Cassandra." He sobs my name. "I'm sorry."
I feel so weak. The bleeding has stopped. I doubt I'll last the night and I tell him so. He begins to cry harder. Dear Alonzo. I have always loved you. I think you're sorry but you still don't love me. I wish though...
Three kittens played merrily under a tree in a graveyard. A sleek brown and white kitten chased a poor black and white kitten's tail as a brown black and white kitten watched the others elegantly posed. A grown black and white cat stood staring at a grave but then paused and looked over at those young and carefree kittens and wept, wept for himself and the reminders of his fatal mistakes.
A/N: Read and Review.
Thanks for reviewing peeps. Squeal! I got a review from my fav cats writer Roman! Yeah anyways, Chimalmaht was asking did Cassandra die that night, etc. So I was thinking maybe I could do the entire story third person perhaps and tell the whole story and the tale of the kittens? What do ya think? Got any good names for the kittens? Just email your comments and ideas to me or something. Thankies!
Song of the Lost.