He had called me gross.
I guess there was a part of me that had always known. I wasn't normal. And Saga-senpai had known that too, he was just too kind to say it at first.
I refused to believe that my senpai wasn't kind even though he had shouted seemingly deliberate brutal things to me. Even though I had felt so minuscule in that library. Even though I sniffled and whimpered pathetically when I left the library. Even though I had to bring back two umbrellas out of fear of disgusting senpai by sharing one. Saga-senpai was still a kind person. It was me that was the problem.
I stammered an apology when I had returned to the library with the pair of umbrellas, not wanting to bother my senpai any longer. He watched with silence as I handed the umbrella to him, taking my leave before he could refuse it. I didn't want him to end up getting sick from walking unprotected in the rain. I exited the library once more, deciding that Saga-senpai's happiness was of the utmost importance and if I didn't make him happy then I'd leave him alone.
I looked up from my book again when hearing the library door open, searching for that familiar head of brown hair only to let my shoulders slump in defeat before glaring back down at my book. It was his fault I was so damn irritated. Then again, I don't know what I expected. I had yelled some pretty cruel things to him, after all...but then he ended up coming back anyways after I had finished ripping into him.
He ignored his own feelings (which were definitely hurt if the redness of his eyes meant anything) out of concern for me. He had come back to the library, unsure of whether or not I'd be harsh again. He showed me only kindness and care, just like he always had.
He apologized nervously and I didn't understand what for. I wanted to be the one apologizing, but the words clung on to the inside of my throat desperately and remained unmoved. He ran off before I could work up the nerve to say anything and now three days later I was sitting in the library. Again. Alone. Again.
I craned my neck a bit to try to look out the nearest window, wondering if I could possibly be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him.
What would I even do if I did see him? Jump out my chair and sprint outside like a moron? Hardly. But...I needed to get rid of this anxious swirl in my stomach. When he didn't come into the library two days ago I hated myself for feeling a little disappointed. When he didn't come into the library yesterday I hated myself for thinking about him the entire walk home. And he isn't in the library today either and I hate myself for waiting here like a pet waiting for its master to return.
Maybe this is what he had planned all along. Maybe he wasn't as naive as he looked. Maybe he knew that in the beginning all I had wanted to do was twist him into something unhappy and jaded and he resented me for my ill intent. Maybe he wanted to wrap me up in the safety of his presence only to rip it away when the opportunity presented itself.
Then I shook my head at that thought. Ritsu's feelings were genuine and sincere and he obviously cared for me far too much to ever do something like that. And all I had done was step all over him. I was just trying to make up excuses to ease the guilt I felt and it wasn't working.
When had I become so dependent on his smile? When did his presence start to feel natural? When did I start to expect the affection and attention he happily gave me?
I didn't have a clear answer, but I stood and closed my book regardless. I wasn't going to let there be a fourth empty and lonely day.
My shoulders slumped with relief when the school day ended. We all said our farewells to our teacher and I had to stop myself and turn around when I realized I had been headed toward the library. This habit was much harder to break than I initially anticipated, but I had managed to stay out of senpai's way for four days.
While the thought made my lower lip quiver with the dangerous notion of sobbing, I hoped he was happier without me there.
I left through the main exit of the school, mentally going over what I needed to do for homework as a way to try to distract myself.
"Oi, Oda." A deep and dangerously familiar voice called. I ignored it. It was likely someone else that person was talking to anyways, right? The only person who would call me Oda was my senpai and that was only because of some weird stalking I did...
"Ritsu." The voice tried again as I felt my arm get grabbed, forcing me to stop. I hesitated, turning my head slowly to come face to face with Saga-senpai. Had he waited out here for me? I quickly forced that thought away, not wanting to get my hopes up.
"G-Good afternoon, senpai." I said, a manufactured and carefully calculated grin appearing on my face.
"Why haven't you been coming to the library?"
I stared at him, his question stunning me into silence for a few moments.
"I thought you didn't want me to?" I eventually managed to say, voice wavering with uncertainty.
The grip on my arm tightened slightly as he shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Ritsu.." He said softly, eyes downcasted. "For the things I said a few days ago. I didn't mean any of it..." He seemed as if he wanted to say more, but words were never one of my senpai's strong points. Besides, he had already said enough.
"It's okay. I know I can be annoying sometimes and a bit of an airhead, but...you still wanting to be around me makes me very happy. I-I'll see you in the library tomorrow?" I suggested shyly and his hold on me relaxed slightly as he nodded.
"Yeah." He confirmed and I could feel myself beaming.
Ritsu had been so quick to forgive me and reenter my life. It almost felt as if I didn't deserve it. But, I wasn't about to turn away what I had been so close to losing.
I wish I could've told him how I really felt when I apologized. It had felt like the right moment, but my words had gotten caught once again. But, this seemed like it would be enough for now. I really wanted my feelings to reach him one way or another, one step at a time.
Besides, I was sure that he wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon.