author's note:

Inspired by Zayn and Taylor Swift's "I Don't Wanna Live Forever" and Orphan Black.

current aesthetic: inception. you're waiting for a train.

all these empty faces (I gave you something, but you gave me nothing)

1.

I pretend to be asleep. It's the only way I can make train rides bearable. My earbuds are in and the Arctic Monkeys are indulging my wild and dark side, but even my usual escapes can't mask the hacking cough of my seat neighbor or the sway of the train car. I wish I were back at my garage shop taking things apart and then fixing them up. There are so many projects I abandoned in my haste to leave.

Thinking about them gets me too keyed up to keep up the ruse of being asleep. I jiggle my right foot and mentally review the directions. My eyes flick up to the line map above the seats. Two more stops. Or am I supposed to get off at the next one? It's nighttime, and I can't make out any of the landmarks or surroundings outside. The only thing I can see is the reflection of the other train passengers in the train windows. Their vacant stares are a million miles away even though we're only a few feet apart. I'm reminded why I can't stand riding on the train. The lack of humanity freaks me out.

"Next stop, New Beijing," announces the train conductor overhead.

That's me. I jump to my feet and am the first at the doors as we pull into the station. The train screeches to a halt. I'm on the platform before the doors are fully open. And when the train leaves, I don't spare it a second glance.

It's not too busy on the train platform at this time of night, although the exiting crowd sweeps me upstream. Before I make it to the stairs, though, I spy a pay phone. I should call and let her know that I'm here, that everything will be alright soon. If all goes well, we'll finally be able to be together. Peony. My baby. I fight to break free of the crowd, and then I'm stumbling towards the phone. I dig around in the pockets of my shorts and pray that I have enough to make the call. Twenty-five, thirty, fifty, seventy, seventy-two.

"Spades," I swear with feeling. I'm three cents short. I scan the ground desperately but don't find anything besides used chewing gum and questionable stains.

I search my pockets again and double-check my pocket change. No luck. I pick up the phone anyway in case by some miracle the person before me had pre-paid the call, but of course that turns out to be fruitless and is just wishful thinking on my part. I slam the phone back onto its receiver and glare at the offending object.

As quickly as it came, the initial frustration leaves. I glance around to see if anyone else has seen my embarrassing display of emotion. The crowd that I had been caught in earlier has dispersed, leaving the platform relatively empty. I breathe out a sigh of relief. I'm in the clear.

For some strange reason, my eye catches on a woman standing over by the ARRIVALS schedule board. Her back is to me so I can't see her face, but her blouse and pencil skirt clearly suggest that she's on her way home from work. Her hair is tied up in a loose bun at the nape of her neck. Even though she's a good distance away from me, I can tell that her hair is a dark brown, almost black, similar to mine. Her large handbag is on the ground. She steps out of her high heels and places them carefully next to her purse. I watch, not quite understanding, as she unclasps her necklace and drops it gently into her bag.

There is an announcement that the next train will arrive in thirty seconds.

Her head turns in my direction. She stares at me for a long moment. She doesn't look surprised, which is odd because I am completely stunned. A shiver dances down my spine. It's not her face looking at me. It's mine. I see the same almond-shaped brown eyes and high cheekbones that I see when I look in the mirror. I blink in confusion, and our shared moment is gone. She turns away and heads to the platform's edge. But then she keeps going until she's on the tracks.

The ground shakes as the train approaches. Its lights flood the terminal.

She doesn't stop.

Neither does the train.

My eyes widen in shock, and I instinctively turn my head away. My blood is racing in my veins. One moment she was here and now she's not. The stranger who looked exactly like me. I'm having trouble comprehending what I saw, but my brain has switched into flight mode and is screaming at me to leave the scene. I came to New Beijing to start my life over. A clean slate. I can't be tangled up in police statements and witness reports.

The train conductor is on the platform, flashlight in hand as he investigates underneath the train, and a crowd is already starting to form. Sirens wail in the distance. They quickly get louder as they approach.

I back away slowly. The exit is close by. I can slip away without anyone noticing but I have to act fast. It just so happens that the arrivals schedule board is on route to the exit. I can't remember consciously making the decision, but the next thing I know, I've scooped up the woman's handbag and shoes in my arms as I pass by. I don't know why I do it. I do know that I will forever be haunted by her face, though, and how similar it was to mine. I need to find out who she was. A long-lost identical twin? A doppelganger? Or maybe simply a stranger, no further explanation needed.

But I can figure it out somewhere else other than here.

And so I disappear, just as quickly as she did.