"Christopher Columbus: The Discovery . . . of Video"
By Xebot, 2/7/93
It had been known since the times of Ancient Greece that the world was round. It was therefore no great surprise when Christopher Columbus proposed that Asia could be reached by sailing West.
The problem was that no one knew exactly how far one would have to sail. Sailors are terrified by the unknown. It's kind of like betting on the Chicago Cubs; they may win, but you'll be called a fool, nonetheless.
The story of CC, our nickname for Christopher Columbus, began in a Portuguese bazaar. CC was looking for arcane maps and flashy earrings.
One day he came upon something that sent him into a tizzy. He begged the merchant to sell it to him at any price. The merchant got a handsome price and CC got what he believed to be a map of the Atlantic Ocean and the East coast of Asia. Actually, it was just a wine-stained table-cloth, but no one had the heart to tell him.
CC tried to convince King John of Portugal, but the King was familiar with CC's reputation. He said, "Go to Spain. I hear that the King is a former TV-actor who just had two box-office flops. He'll probably go for anything, now!"
CC went to Spain and was given an audience with King Ferdinand, Queen Isabella, and the Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.
Torquemada was seated to the right of the King, chewing on a roasted cow.
As CC entered the King's chambers, he began to sing to the tune of Tobacco Road:
"Well, I was born
In Genoa
I know a route
To reach IndiaGive me three ships
Before I get old
And I'll bring back
Some tobacco and gold"
King Ferdinand asked, "What's 'tobacco'?"
CC said, "I don't know, but my friend Rodrigo J. Reynolds says that it's the best thing since plague!"
Ferdinand said, "Nothing's better than plague."
Torquemada interjected, "There's torture!"
Isabella added, "There's sex with a stable boy!"
Ferdinand and Torquemada winked at each other.
Torquemada said, "The Portugese have already tried your plan, and failed."
CC stated confidently, "That's because I withheld one critical piece of information that I received from a rabbit at Warner Brothers."
"And what was that?"
"Turn left at Albuquerque."
***
The King asked the Grand Inquisitor to stop gnawing on the fatted calf, and utter (no pun intended) a prayer.
Torquemada prayed aloud, "Lord, protect this man, Christopher Columbus, the fool, Thy idiot, during the ENDLESS voyage ahead. Let his crew not mutiny TOO often. If he should fall, let him not ACCIDENTLY fall upon a cutlass. If he should stray, let it not be OFF THE GANGPLANK. If he should be poisoned, let the guilty party be spanked, SEVERELY. Lord, as this man sails to CERTAIN DOOM, may he remain calm and keep his head, more or less, attached to his neck. And finally, keep his thoughts pure, his compass true, and his sphincter tight, as long as possible."
***
After several weeks of sailing, the crew began to riot; they were slitting each other's throats. CC swore that he would never recruit hockey fans again.
CC decided to call a meeting with the captains of the other two ships.
After they boarded the Santa Maria, he sat them down at his table and spoke to them:
"Now, we all know why we're here. The crew is mutinous. You are both fine officers with outstanding reputations. I feel safe having you two as captains of my sister ships. Captain Queeg, do you have any explanation for this rebellion?"
"Yes, sir. I do. It seems that there was a quart of strawberries stolen -- but I plan to uncover the thief using basic logic and reasoning. Just give me a quart of sand and I will prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the strawberries were pilfered by some crafty chow-hound with a duplicate key!"
CC said angrily, "You idiot! We're 2,000 miles at sea! Where the hell are we gonna find a quart of sand!?"
Captain Queeg said, "Well, I don't know. Maybe I was mistaken." Queeg began to roll little steel balls in his right hand. "They're all against me, I tell ya. They're all traitors, every one!!!"
Turning to the captain of the Ni¤a, CC asked, "And what problems do we have aboard the Ni¤a, Captain Bligh?"
Captain Bligh snorted and replied, "Nothing that can't be remedied by a cat-o-nine-tails. It seems that one of these shiftless thieves has absconded with 30 pounds of cheese. This anal phlegm even had the nerve to accuse ME of having stolen it myself! I'll have him keel-hauled, and then flog his dead carcass!"
"Why would you flog a dead man?"
"To discourage suicide."
***
Finally, the crew spotted land.
CC boarded a longboat and headed towards the undiscovered country.
He was greeted by a Hollywood director who said, "Cut! That's a wrap. We'll tack on an ending in the editing studio."
CC was puzzled. He asked, "What about the rest of my life?"
"We're saving that for a sequel. We're thinking of replacing you with Alec Baldwin; kind of a Tom Clancy thing. Chris discovers America, but the Russians are there first. Columbus turns out to be Jack Ryan. The Indian chief is played by Sean Connery, who screws a lot of babes. As long as we avoid an NC-17 rating, we'll make mucho buckos! Think Connery will do a nude scene?"
CC was confused. He asked, "But what about THIS movie?!"
"Hey, this one's gonna be in the money!"
"The critics hated it! How can you make any money at the box office?!"
"Box office? What planet do you come from? There's more money to be made in video rentals than at the box office! We may have a mediocre script, but we got a CASH COW -- people will rent this movie just to see Marlon Brando! Nowadays, the writer is slighter, 'cause the STAR goes FAR! Welcome to AMERICA!!!"