Animal
Summary: It's been years since Beast Boy left the Titans. He can't forgive himself for what he did to them, to her. But can a chance encounter and some not-so-small talk with a woman with familiar eyes change that? BBRae oneshot songfic to Miike Snow's Animal.
The moonlight pooled at his feet as he stood at the edge of the cliff. There it was. His old city. His old home. His old life. Would they recognize him? Would they welcome him? Would they even be there anymore? It had been years, after all; years since the incident, since he left. He turned away.
There was a time when my world was filled with darkness, darkness, darkness.
He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he moved away from his nightly haunt. He could never go back. He could never face the memories of that terrible time, of the way he felt, the way he didn't feel. All he could think about was getting his way. He had been rejected too many times, and he wasn't going to let her add to that list. He just couldn't deal with her saying no. He had thought she understood how he felt, always so trapped by the need to protect everyone else. He had loved her more than he could remember loving anything in his entire life. He had been sure she would say yes. But she had proven him wrong. With that one syllable, he had been shattered beyond repair. The memories of every foster parent who had given up on him, every mission he had messed up, every joke that didn't make her smile, came flooding back, eclipsing his love for her and turning his heart to stone. His mind went blank, and he snapped. She was fine now, of course. The others stopped him in time. But he could never face her again. He couldn't trust himself. He left the night of the incident, while everyone was asleep. He was never very good at goodbyes. It was ironic - he had been through so many of them. He had a new life now, which wasn't much of a life, only one town away from his past. He lived alone and had no friends. He left only for work, grocery shopping, and to stand on the cliff with the moonlight pooling at his feet while he imagined what the others – what she - would do if he returned.
Then I stopped dreaming, now I'm supposed to fill it up with something, something something.
He watched his feet as they tread their usual path back toward his house. His thoughts ran wild as usual. What would Starfire do if he went back? Hug him until his ribs broke, most likely. Or cook him something burned and covered in mustard. What would Robin do? Probably nothing. Or maybe he'd interrogate him. What about Cyborg? They had been best friends, but that probably wouldn't stop him from scanning his brain or something. And then there was her. Raven. Would she forgive him? Would she realize her real feelings for him after all these years? Would she - no. Who was he kidding? She had always hated him. From the day they met, she had been putting him down, while he had been imagining small smiles meant only for him. Well that stopped now. "She never loved me," he told himself. "Snap out of it. Do something with your life." But what? Busy with his thoughts, he bumped into someone in a sweatshirt with the hood pulled up. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean -" he started, but he froze as his eyes met the woman's.
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before, long long, long ago.
"Uhhhh..." he managed. "Oh. Uh. Sorry. Um. Again. Uh. Ma'am. Uhh..."
"It's okay," she muttered, looking down. "I can see that you're kind of occupied with your thoughts. I'll just be on my way. Unless of course you need some company? You seem like you could use a friend."
It couldn't be her. She was never this nice, especially to strangers. Then again, if it was her, he wasn't a stranger. But she was never this nice to him either. But those violet eyes... they could belong only to her.
"Uh, excuse me?" the woman said.
"Oh. Sorry. It's just that - um, actually, never mind. Company sounds nice. I haven't had much recently."
The two started walking. He allowed the woman to lead him back toward the cliff, toward everything he had run away from so many years ago. He tried to forget all the hurt, self-doubt, and rejection that he had experienced in that tower as the woman paused at the edge of the cliff, right where he had stood only moments before.
"You haven't said anything," the woman pointed out. "I know you don't really know me, but I can sense that you're in a situation like mine."
"And what situation is that?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice calm. This woman sounded like her, only this woman spoke with emotion. Sadness and nostalgia tainted her response.
"Being guilty," she said simply. "Being alone. Feeling... unwanted."
He nodded, grateful for the darkness which hid the tears now rolling down his cheeks. "Yeah," he practically whispered. "And torn. I don't know what's right for me anymore. I know what I want, but... I ruined it years ago," he confessed, his vision blurry but his eyes set on his old home. "I don't know if it's safe for her anymore." His voice broke. "I don't think I can go back."
But I'm still trying to make my mind up, am I free or am I tied up?
"I'm sorry," she said. "I don't really understand what you're talking about. But it seems to me that you hurt someone? A woman you loved?"
"I still love her," he said, wrenching his gaze from the tower. "And I did hurt her. In more ways than one." He couldn't look this woman in the eye, this woman who reminded him so much of her.
"Well I hurt someone I loved too," the woman said quietly. "On purpose." Now she was crying too, very softly.
"I'm sorry," he said.
The duo fell silent, each lost in memories, hearts heavy with regret and hurt.
"Um, what happened?" she finally asked. "I mean, if you want to talk about it."
"Well," he began, calmer now. "We were friends for a long time. We lived... close to each other. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with her. But I never said anything, 'cause I didn't wanna mess it up, ya know? So much of my life was messed up already. But I had to go and tell her. And she said no. She didn't love me. And then... I dunno what came over me. I just... snapped. It was like... I became an animal. I haven't seen her since. I just... I don't know if I'll be able to control myself around her. What if she rejects me again?"
I change shapes just to hide in this place, but I'm still, I'm still an animal. Nobody knows it but me when I slip, yeah I slip, I'm still an animal.
"Maybe she won't reject you. Maybe she will. But you won't know if you don't talk to her again. Think about it."
He nodded, and she fell silent once more, allowing him time to think about her words.
Could Raven really accept him again someday? Maybe if he learned some control, if he could keep the Beast inside him, at least when he wasn't alone. After all, he had done so ever since the incident. He had vowed never to transform again when he left, but it became too difficult after only a few weeks. The animal side of him was always there, clawing at the surface, searching for everything the human side of him wanted. He couldn't contain it. The true Beast he could keep under control, but his animal instincts were too strong. He had taken to transforming into various, naturally green, animals whenever he could. Nobody would know the difference between him and any other lizard or frog. Nobody paid him any mind when he was in his human form either. He was green, but he acted so human and so ignorant of his own skin pigment that many people overlooked it as well. To them, he was innocent, not dangerous at all. He hid well in his new life because he never felt anything. He never got angry, and the Beast was never a threat. But if he went back... If he went back he'd have to face her. And he didn't know what she'd do, or what he'd feel in response. It was too dangerous for her. If it was even possible that he might have come to any other conclusion, he would have gone back long ago. He was about to tell the woman the truth, but when he opened his mouth, the words, "What happened to you?" tumbled out without his permission.
There is a hole and I tried to fill it up with money, money, money.
The girl chuckled, a softer and more feminine sound than he could imagine ever coming from his Raven. No, certainly his wasn't her.
"I told you. I hurt him. I loved him, and he loved me. But it wasn't right. We drifted apart. How else do these things go? Without him, I felt so... empty, so worthless. I couldn't even tell him the reason, I was such a coward. We stopped talking and lost all contact. I couldn't even face our mutual friends. They reminded me of him. It hurt too much. I did everything I could to stop myself from thinking of him. I became the exact opposite of everything that I was when I was with him. I was a good person - I hated lying and cowardice and ignorance and stupidity. So, without him, I... I had to be everything he hated, everything I hated. I became reckless. I tried to satiate my thirst for love with stupid things - I bought a gorgeous house, beautiful furniture, and other ridiculous luxuries I didn't need or want. I only thought about what things I wanted, what I could get through what I earned on my own. I never wanted help. I retreated into myself, wanting never to feel the pain I felt when I turned him away. And those things made me happy."
"Well you're okay then. More okay than me anyway," he said dryly. "At least you can distract yourself. I can't. A distraction a day keeps the pain away, right?"
But it gets bigger to your hopes, I'm always running, running, running.
She chuckled again. It was a lovely sound. To anyone who had not just heard her story, she would sound very happy. But to him, it was a broken laugh. It was a testament to her facade.
"That's what I used to think," she said. "But every time I got something new, it only reminded me how alone I was. I had no one to share my things with. I never liked to share as I child, that's the funny thing. But he made me want to be better than that. He made me want to love, to be someone I was never allowed to be. Every time I tried to distract myself, I just yearned for him even more. I just wanted to feel wanted again. He's the only one who ever really wanted me."
"No one's ever wanted me," he muttered, kicking a stone over the edge of the cliff. He thought back to his happier days, when he might have whistled until the pebble finally broke the water's surface. Instead, he just watched it, wondering how it would feel to fall with it.
"So what brings you here anyway?" he asked, trying to chase away his dark thoughts. "Especially this late. It's gotta be close to one o'clock."
"I like to come here when the moon is up," she said. "I come here every night, actually. I see you sometimes," she admitted, blushing slightly. "Walking back into town. I've known you come here too. That's why, when you bumped into me, I offered to talk. I figured anyone else who comes out to this cliff night after night has a lot on his mind, just like I always do. This is where I like to think, where I come to remember, to regret."
He looked over at her for the first time since they had stopped to stand. Her eyes were out of focus, and he could tell she was reliving some significant moment from her past with this guy she loved. From this angle, her eyes weren't as violet as he had thought. They were almost blue.
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody who could be strong, tell me if I'm wrong.
After talking to her, he stopped thinking of her as Raven. She had regrets too, this woman. Raven was stronger than that. She didn't do anything that she knew she would regret. She didn't do anything out of emotion. That was her thing, not feeling. This woman felt. But he thought that this woman could be as strong as Raven. She had been through a lot, it seemed. She had a heart heavy with hurt and a mind bursting with what-if's and should-have's. He looked back out over the water, focusing on the tower again. If he really thought about it, this woman had only one thing not in common with Raven; that she felt sorrow, loneliness, regret, anything really. But maybe Raven did feel now, he realized. He hadn't seen her for years. He looked back suddenly at the woman beside him. She felt his eyes, or noticed his sharp movement, and looked up at him, her eyes taking an excessively long time to focus and meet his. When her eyes finally did come into focus, she realized that he was taller than she had anticipated, and she tilted her head back a little further. This little shift caused her sweatshirt hood to fall back and reveal her short violet hair and gray skin. Her eyes widened with his.
"Ra-raven?" he stammered. He took a step back. He was visibly shaking.
"It's okay, Garfield," Raven cooed, trying to prevent another incident. "I'm not afraid of you. I forgive you. I forgave you long ago. It's time for you to forgive yourself." She remained rooted to the spot, not wanting to upset him by retreating or anger him by approaching him.
"Who - who was he?" he asked, balling his hands into fists. "Who was better than me? Who did you love that much?"
"It was you," she said, gingerly taking one step forward. "I was afraid I'd hurt you if we were together. I did love you. I do love you. I'm so sorry." As she spoke, she approached him slowly, placing her hand on his cheek. He had stopped shaking. "I never meant to hurt you. It hurt me just as much."
He looked deeply into her eyes, searching for any hint that she was lying, that she was saying those things out of pity, out of fear that the Beast would come out again. But in her eyes he saw only strength, honesty, and love.
He smiled cautiously.
Now I'm pulling your disguise up. Are you free or are you tied up?
He reached around her head. She didn't flinch. His smile grew bolder as he took hold of her hood. He felt her energy surround her, and her jeans and sweatshirt were replaced with her trademark leotard and hooded cape. He placed this navy hood on her head.
"I've missed you," she whispered.
"I love you," he said. "I'm so sorry for hurting you. Aren't you afraid I'll do something like that again?"
"If I thought you might, I wouldn't be here right now."
He pulled her closer. "I forgive myself," he muttered into her hair, "as long as you want me to."
She nodded into his chest. "I do. It was my fault."
He pulled back from their embrace. "No. No fault. No blame," he said. "We both got hurt, but it's over. If this is going to work, we have to let go of the past. I've been held down by regret and pain for too long. I'm ready to let go. Are you?"
She nodded, and the two were engulfed in a pool of moonlight and her black energy as she carried them from the haunt of their present to the home of their past, and the home of their future.
I change shapes just to hide in this place, but I'm still, I'm still an animal. Nobody knows it but me when I slip, yeah I slip, I'm still an animal.
A large green eagle spiraled straight up along the face of the cliff, where it landed contently and looked around, moonlight pooling at its feet.