"Dr. What and the Big Feet"
Copyright 1992 by Xebot
Dr. What and Miss Chastity were gliding through space in the recently repaired time-machine, the Tardus.
"Doctor? Where are we headed to now?"
"A barren wasteland, whose only indigenous lifeform is hopelessly addicted to violence and gratuitous sex."
"They're moving our time-slot opposite The Simpsons?"
"No. We're going to Earth, 1992."
The Tardus gave sput and sputter, and finally materialized on Earth, in the middle of a shopping mall. There was a knock on the outside of the Tardus. The Doctor opened the door.
"Yes?" said The Doctor.
"Sorry, mac, I didn't know it was occupied. Could 'ja hurry up, I gotta go real bad."
"This isn't a privy, you imbecile."
"What is it?"
"It's a Chrono-Morphic Dimensional Transponder."
"Yeah, my kid's got one o' those. Don't 'cha hate it when the high-energy astro-phlegm clogs the cryo-genetic catalytic converter? Those converters don't do nothin' but kill performance. I hate time-travel in California."
The Doctor turned to Miss Chastity and said, "We've got to find The Major."
The two wearily walked through the fashion arcade. Because The Doctor was wearing an overcoat in the middle of Summer, he was followed by every store detective in the place, which was greatly appreciated by the three actual shoppers who could now wander the entire mall without fighting crowds.
"Hullo, is that you, Doctor?" said The Major.
The Doctor turned to him and said, "What?"
"Right. Who's this lovely lady?"
"No. Who is the other guy."
"Where?"
Recognizing the skit, all three said in unison, "Alpha Centuri!!!"
The Doctor continued, "Good to meet you again, Major. This lovely lady is my latest ratings-booster, Miss Chastity."
"Hello, Major," said Chastity.
"Well," said The Major, "I'm glad to see you finally found one English girl with bosoms."
"Oh, I'm not English, I'm Irish."
"Really scraping the barrel, aren't we, Doctor?"
The Doctor looked up to the roof. He quickly pushed The Major and Miss Chastity out of the way as they ceiling collapsed. Steel girders, masonry, and an errant golf ball came crashing to the ground and landed at their feet.
"Doctor, what is it?"
"One helluva wicked slice, I'd say."
Then through the newly formed skylight descended two enormous objects. Each was forty-feet long and ten-feet wide. They were two gargantuan shoes!
"Doctor, what are they?" asked Chastity.
"Two feet, I'd say."
"Closer to forty," corrected the Major, "length-wise, that is."
Between the two pedestrian monstrosities was a small humanoid form, each of its legs extending into one of the cosmic clod-hoppers. It spoke:
"Fore!"
The Doctor moved over between the Buster-Browns, to where he could peer up to their owner.
"And who might you be, sir?" queried The Doctor.
"I'm Gerald Ford. I'm very sorry about the roof." The creature spoke with all the conviction of a presidential pardon. "And who might you be?"
"Not who, What. I'm Doctor What. I'm a Time Lord."
"A wine gourd? Do you know Betty?"
With that, the toe of one of the shoes opened and scooped up The Doctor, The Major, Miss Chastity, and The Golfball. With his captives secured—and, after tripping over a small Sears & Roebucks—the beast flew into the air.
The pedal abomination flew into a deep, dark cave, and released its hostages.
"Where are we, Doctor?"
"According to my superior intellect and ratiocinative skills, I would guess a deep, dark cave."
One of the walls began to revolve, like the turnstile in a hotel lobby. It stopped, barely half-way open. A voice called from behind the stoney slab, "Goddamnit!" A tall figure, completely dressed in black, emerged from a dark passageway, off to the left, and kicked the rotary; whereupon it closed. The figure then ran back into the dark passageway. In a moment the rocky turnstile reopened and the tall figure emerged, angrily speaking:
"Goddamn BBC props. How can I be expected to work under these conditions! No budget, no secretary, no assistants. My dressing room doesn't even have a wet-bar! Dammit, I'm an artist!"
Miss Chastity spoke to the thing, "Why have you brought us here?"
The frustrated thesbian responded, "Because my Radial-Lopterix detected an unhuman presence that could thwart my plans. Who is that man?" he asked, pointing to The Doctor.
"He's The Doctor," answered Chastity.
"And exactly who is 'The Doctor'?"
The Major replied, "He's the chap that keeps you waiting for two hours and then sticks a thermometer up your ass and then—"
The Doctor interrupted, "I believe that he was speaking in the definitive. I am Doctor What. I'm a Time Lord."
"You're a swine spore?" asked the dark figure.
The Major assisted, "No, he's a fine whore."
Followed by Miss Chastity, "No, he's a blind boar."
"Does anyone mind if the sightless, swine of ill repute asks a question?" queried The Doctor.
"Certainly not, Doctor; squeel!"
Everyone laughed, except The Doctor, who continued, "Aren't you my great nemesis? The evil lord of destruction, The Master?"
"No. I'm The Masher! All my life, people have been making fun of my big feet; now I have revenge. I've created an army of robots in forty-foot wing-tips to crush all you little-feet people! I hate little feet!"
"He's mad," said The Doctor. "He probably doesn't even like Poco."
The Masher commanded, "Guards! Take them away!"
The three were led to a small, prison cell. The walls were ten inches of solid Krell metal.
The Doctor spoke confidently, "This door doesn't look so tough."
Chastity asked, "Doctor, what's 'Krell' metal?"
"It's the strongest alloy known in the universe. It was first discovered in a movie called The Forbidden Planet. Why do you ask?"
"According to the label, that's what the door is made of."
"@(*$ #@ (#$)!!!" [unprintable -Ed.]
The Doctor regained his composure and reached into his coat. His hand emerged with a long, silvery tool, which he forced into the door's keyhole.
"Doctor," asked The Major, "Is that your famous Atomic Screwdriver?"
"No, it's just a can-opener. I find that it works just about as well. Do you know what the batteries cost for an Atomic Screwdriver? Mur-der! I want you two to help me by practicing audio-trancendentalism."
"You want us to repeat our mantras?"
"No, I want you to shut up."
With a click and a clack the door burst open; then the entire wall fell down.
"Damn BBC props!"
"Doctor," said Chastity, "where do we go?"
The Doctor answered over his shoulder as he walked out of the prison, "To find The Masher's real power!"
After several twists and turns, the escapees came across an ugly Sphinx that was obviously foriegn to this world. It spoke like a Canadian who knew more about American history than most Americans knew about yesterday's history.
"Good evening. I'm Alex Trebek and it's time to play Final Jeopardy! We will give our contestants the answer, to which they must provide the question. The category is Political Subversion. The answer is:
This politically subversive organization is dedicated to the overthrow of every democratic government on the planet.
The Doctor scratched his head, trying to think in spite of the idiotic theme music. It had been a while since he had studied Earth history. He hazarded a guess:
"What is the KGB?"
"Be more specific," asked the host.
"What is PBS?"
"Right!"
The travelers emerged into a large cavern. Sitting in the center was an ignominious blob. "Welcome. I have been waiting for you, slime turd!"
"That's 'Time Lord'," corrected The Doctor.
"Whatever."
"No, just 'What', Doctor What."
"Didn't you play second base?"
"I'm sorry I opened my mouth. Haven't I seen you before? Arent' you—"
The Major interjected, "This is all too silly, I can't have it. Let's quit making fun of people's names, shall we?"
The blob rolled its eyes. "And what is your name?"
"I'm The Major."
"Major what?"
"No, he's Doctor What, I'm The Major! I don't have a proper name, I'm just 'The Major'."
"Don't you find that silly?"
"I give up," said The Major.
"Given enough time, the British usually do."
"Now see here—"
The Doctor interjected, addressing the blob, "Aren't you Sejac the Destroyer?"
"Yes."
"Any relation to Pat Sejac the Untalented?"
"Only when it comes to hosting talk shows."
The Doctor flew across the room, gliding with the wings of Icarus, sailing with the winged feet of Mercury, and fell to the floor like the stock of Eastern Airlines. He got to his feet and raced to the wall and pulled the plug from the outlet.
The blob's eyes closed and its shoulders (if it had any) slumped. Then its eyes reopened and it mouth showed a toothey grin.
"Nice try Doctor; but I have back-up power! Surgically implanted in my body are ten Duracell Thermonuclear Copper-Tops! Do you know what a thermonuclear battery costs these days? You are all dead meat! Wait—what's happening? I'm losing power!"
Off in the distance was the sound of drumming. Not quite a Buddy Rich roulade, but interesting. It grew louder and louder. A small shadow could be seen emerging from a dark alcove. It got closer and closer. Adverbs were being repeated unnecessarily and unnecessarily. It then emerged into the light; it was a small bunny rabbit.
The blob used the bulk of its remaining power to scream. It knew what was approaching: mockery.
The rabbit said, "Should have used Eveready Fusion Energizers! They last longer and don't create unsightly toxic planets!" The bunny then turned and drummed its way back into the dark.
The blob, exercising its last ounce of power, said, "Damned BBC, they never buy the good stuff!"
Whereupon the entire stage collapsed, killing all the actors, except for The Masher, who screamed angrily, "Why wasn't I included in the death scene?!! I demand a re-write! I can die better than anyone, I'm an artist!!!"