Before we begin this legendary tale I just want to thank all the HamNoir shippers on twitter whose art and shit post tweets introduced me to this ship. I'd also like to thank the Spiderverse movie for being an actual good movie that I enjoyed the whole time, bust a gut then bust a tear then later bust a nut. I think this movie did a lot for me emotionally and it really helped me when I was (and still am) in a low place. If y'all haven't seen it yet what the fuck is wrong with you? Also this is a crack fic, not even sorry.

The curse of power, he knew it well. Born on a putrid planet in a time where the flighty fabric of excess and luxury were unravelling, Peter Parker never knew rest or comfort. When his Uncle Ben had been brutishly beaten by The Enforcers gang and then ravenously eaten by The Vulture, Peter knew what he had to do. He had to become something greater than the mortal man he set out as; he had to become justice. After receiving a tip not meant for him, Peter put on his studious circular spectacles and made haste toward the warehouse whereabouts where the aforementioned gang would be doing the not so good downest of the dirtiest.

And that's when things got weird… weirder than usual…

The baddies were not careful when unloading some Indiana Jones lookin' ass Spider Idol and dropped it. KERRRRRR~SMASH! Shards of glass and clay were flying all over the place. And inside the Idol were thousands of demonesque hairy black spiders with sharp glowing red eyes. The arachnids swarmed the men, biting them and killing them. In the mess of it all Peter failed to notice one spider climb onto his hand and BITE into his rugged man-hand flesh. Maybe it was the shock, maybe it was the poison, but Peter Parker blacked out in that warehouse and awakened in another dimension. In this dimension he was naked and floating but most importantly, he was naked.

He came face to face with what seemed to be a Spider God with a snatched contour.

"Am I dead," he asked the Spider God in his guttural man voice I'm wet.

"My spiders only kill those whose hearts are evil," the Spider God replied, some excess webbing dangling from its glorious omnipotent pincers, "instead you shall be cursed with glorious power…"

Several of the Spider God's eyes seemed to scan down Peter's chiselled, sweaty, hairy man-body, all the way down to his chiselled, sweaty, and hairy man-parts. The Spider God purred, which struck Peter as somewhat bizarre, before saying,

"But it seems you're already used to glorious power~"

Peter was flattered. It was the most pleasant conversation he had ever had with a spider, omnipotent or otherwise. He thanked the Spider God and returned to his world. When he opened his eyes again he was on the ground in the warehouse, except now he had spider powers. He had spidey-sense, super strength, wall-stick-action, and could even "organically" make his own webbing… but he could always do that WINKWONK.

And that's how what he would refer to as "Spider-Man (Noir)" would come into this world. From there he would go on to become a Private I, fight Nazis, and drink… a lot… like… so much he might as well be a contemporary college student drowning in debt and lacking any real qualifications after four years of formal "higher learning" but all she really learned was how to get high on Taco Bell at 3 am yes this is a cry for help send help. But I digress…

For all intensive purposes life was fine for Peter Parker post spider bite. Everything was fine, adequate more like. And the longer Peter Parker lived a life that was only adequate the faster he began to lose his ability to feel and see in technicolor. Before long, with or without the mask, he could only see in black and white. He pet a stray cat but could not feel its fur. He stretched his hand out into the pouring rain but could no longer feel the wet or the cold. However, he could still feel punches, bullets, and other painful things that would make this more of a curse and less like the "super power" from Kick Ass. Was it, in fact, part of the curse, he wondered? Would he always feel this way, unfeeling yet… lonely?

That's what he believed until one day he was warped into 2018 Brooklyn where he would meet other Spider-Men of other universes. You probably know the rest if you're reading this. However, what you may not know is that in the time Peter Parker spent off in another world he formed a special bond with one special individual; another version of himself that went by (insert John Mulaney voice) "Peter Porker." He was an ordinary spider bitten by a radioactive pig before becoming Spider-Ham, the superhero. This is the story of how Peter Porker saved Peter Parker from himself. This is the story of them coming together as friend before finally cumming together as lovers. But this is not a love story… except it totally is.

#HamNoir5evr