by Rae artemis@northco.net
Jadzia rubbed her eyes. Just fourteen more minutes until her shift officially ended. Then she suppressed a groan as she identified the shuttle coming in as Julian's. He'd been away for two weeks at a medical conference, and now he was coming home.
She rose from her seat and ordered a rak'tijino, grimacing as she sipped. Lately it seemed she'd been living on the stuff. Benjamin glanced at her, worry plainly written on his face, probably because it was her ninth cup for the day. And she knew she didn't look her best today, that was for sure. The thought struck her that Julian was going to see her, looking as if she hadn't slept in weeks. But then, she hadn't. Or eaten, come to think of it.
She sighed. She was obsessing over Julian, that was the problem. She moved towards her console, feeling a little light-headed.
Sisko rushed to catch her as she fell, but didn't get there in time. Her head hit the corner of her console as he got near.
Jadzia awoke in sickbay. She was alone. That was one thing, at least. She could gather her wits before she had to face Julian. The past couple of weeks had been hard. Despite recent... events, Julian had seemed to throw himself back into the style of friendship they had previously shared. While Jadzia had found that those same events were forcing her to evaluate her feelings for the handsome young doctor.
She had enjoyed their friendship. She had thought she had no particular desire for Julian, and yet that night had proven that whatever she felt for him, it wasn't totally platonic.
Obviously Julian felt that way about her, he had chased her for well over a year. But now - it was if he didn't find her even mildly attractive anymore. She smiled weakly. Perhaps he had just lost all respect for her. But if that was the case, why had he been seeking out her company so much? A tendency which made her life all the more difficult - it seemed that certain feelings, once awakened, refused to go back to sleep. Whereas in Julian, similar feelings once acted upon ceased to have relevance. But only with her. She knew this wasn't his normal relationship pattern - which somehow made it worse.
The young man in question entered as she was making her way carefully towards the open door. The sound of his footsteps bounced cheerfully off the inside of her skull until her eyeballs rattled. She winced.
Julian saw the flicker of pain cross her face and stepped quickly to her side. She stood a little straighter as if to prove how healthy she was, and smiled. The smile was cheerful and buoyant - and forced. He grinned, and casually leaned against the door frame, neatly blocking her path.
"Going somewhere, Jadzia?" She suppressed a scowl, and instead brightened her smile a notch or two.
"I have some work in my lab I need to finish, Julian."
"No you don't. You suffered a concussion. And what have you been doing to yourself lately?"
"Just -" She paused as a wave of dizziness swept her. Moving with lightning reflexes, Julian caught her before she could fall. Gathering a double armful of limp Trill, he carried her back to the biobed.
"Jadzia," he said, looking at the readouts, "not only are you malnutrated, physically exhausted and overdosed on caffeine, your pulse and breathing rate are increasing steadily." Jadzia hardly heard him - she was too distracted by his arm, still supportively around her waist. Julian suggested he should run a few additional tests. He eased Jadzia onto her back and left. Jadzia sighed.
This was ridiculous.
It was almost an hour later. Julian was looking worried. "As far as I can tell, Jadzia, you're killing yourself in easy stages. I'm placing you off duty until further notice. Take it easy. That means no strenuous activity of any kind. And get some sleep, and something to eat, not necessarily in that order. Doctor's orders." Jadzia sighed. If only she could. "How long has it been since you slept, Jadzia? Properly I mean." She tried to remember but couldn't. "Too long," he said firmly. "Off duty, definitely."
That night, she did try to obey him. She ate a good meal and went to bed, but every time she closed her eyes she was haunted by the image of his face. It seemed to be laughing at her. She turned over. There was definitely something wrong with her. There was no rational reason for her to suddenly burn with desire for Julian - after all, she hadn't done so before It happened.
She rolled out of bed and ordered a cup of coffee from the replicator - plain Earth coffee, she wasn't feeling up to the robustness of the Klingon variety. She flopped down onto the couch to think - but was interrupted when the doorchime sounded. "Come in," she called. It was Julian, standing framed by the light of the corridor with a wry smile on his face.
"Somehow I didn't really need to ask the computer whether you were awake or not." He entered and sat next to her. "Want to talk about it?" Jadzia fought the impulse to say Yes and shook her head. He nodded. "What is it, and how much longer are you going to be this distracted?" She glanced at him. He smiled sweetly in response. "Jadzia, I'm not leaving your quarters until we at least try to solve your problem." She choked on her coffee. How ironic! Julian patted her on the back until she recovered, wondering just what it was she found so funny.
"I'm sorry, Julian," she gasped, once she had her breathing under control. "I'm not sure you really want to know." She wiped tears from her eyes, the combined result of laughter and inhaled coffee.
"Try me." He took her hand, not noticing that she closed her eyes at the contact. She sighed, and gave in.
"Man trouble." He raised an eyebrow.
"I should be able to help, then. I am, after all, a man." Don't I know it, she thought wryly.
"Perhaps. Just a slight problem with one-sided affection."
"Who is he?"
"Julian..."
"All right, all right. I think you should just tell him you aren't interested and you don't want him to chase you, and that'll be that. I understand his feelings -" (that said with a lecherous grin) "but I also know that if you had ever said I bothered you, I for one would have desisted." Jadzia smiled wryly, more in response to his misunderstanding of her problem than for his advice. "On the other hand, if you would give me his name, I could have a talk with him?" She shook her head with a sigh.
"As you wish," he said. "But in the meantime, I was serious about your needing your rest, and I brought this along to help you sleep." He held up an alpha-wave inducer. She thanked him, and allowed him to tuck her in. He planted a mock-paternal kiss on her forehead and turned out the lights. "Sleep well, Jadzia," he said quietly as he turned on the inducer. He left smiling.
It was early afternoon when she woke, although the inducer had apparently turned itself off hours before. She found she was in a good mood as she left her quarters, deciding to have breakfast at the Replimat.
Julian was there, with Garak. He and the tailor seemed to be arguing about something. Cardassian literature, probably - Julian had mentioned just before he left that he was taking a new book Garak had lent him. After collecting her food, she looked for a table from which she could watch Julian - and then chastised herself for doing so - but chose to sit where she could see him anyway. After all, he was her friend and he might be a little upset if he glanced at her and saw she had chosen to ignore him so totally.
It was several minutes after the fiery Bajoran arrived that she noticed Major Kira sitting across from her with an expression of amusement. "Something interesting over there, Dax?" Jadzia blushed at the laughter in her friend's tone.
"I don't know what you mean," she lied.
"You are staring in that direction. I just figured there was something interesting to look at. I suppose that's a very nice suit Garak is wearing. And of course, there's a wall - how could I forget the wall? And Doctor Bashir's cake looks tasty. And I suppose that's not the only tasty-looking item..." Dax started, and Kira grinned broadly. "There's that delicious-looking stew Mr Garak is eating. I suppose that's what you're finding so interesting. I'll go ask him what it is, shall I?" She didn't make any move to do so. Jadzia felt the blush that had been steadily rising reach her face, and bowed her head in embarassment at being caught. Kira laughed aloud. "Really, Jadzia, didn't your mother teach you it's rude to stare?"
Jadzia spoke at last. "How much do you know, how long have you known it, and what do you want to keep it quiet?" Kira laughed again - she hadn't had so much fun in ages.
"I know you're in love with Julian Bashir. I've known that since - oh, about a year after you came aboard the station. I know that you and he had a little fun a couple of weeks ago while we were all suffering from that Edaian disease. I'm kind of jealous on that score, really - you two had a lot more fun out of that than Sisko or I did. As for keeping it quiet - you have my word." Kira grinned broadly, and Jadzia groaned and hung her head in her hands. Then what Kira said percolated through.
"What do you mean, a year after we came aboard?"
"I'm sure it's as obvious to some of the others - Captain Sisko, for instance - as it is to me. You do know Sisko and I had a standing bet as to when you two would get together?" She smirked. "I won. He bet you'd have come to your senses long ago." Jadzia stared at her - and then tears stung her eyes, and she bowed her head again. Kira immediately stopped smiling.
"This isn't the place for this discussion, I see. Come on." Kira grabbed her arm and pulled her away, towards the nearest source of safety. Jadzia had time to hope that Julian didn't see her crying.
Kira was inordinately relieved when they made it to the security of Odo's office. He spun to face them, and looked surprised to see that Jadzia was crying. He jumped up from his chair, and helped Kira sit Dax down in it. "What's the matter?" he asked. Kira shrugged, not quite sure at this point herself.
"He isn't interested in me any more, Kira. Not that way. After the Edaian thing he - he - We're just friends, now and forever." Kira was shocked.
"How could he not see that you're in love with him? Surely he would realise that you want more than friendship?" Kira didn't notice the glance Odo gave her.
"You'd be surprised how dense people can be, Major." He laid a hand on Jadzia's shoulder in awkward reassurance. Jadzia was realising by then that she should have come to Odo earlier. He, of all people, could empathise with her problem.
Jadzia glanced up - and immediately slid under Odo's desk. Kira looked out through the transparent doors and saw Bashir approaching. He didn't enter, however, but walked past without glancing in. Jadzia re-emerged when they told her he was gone.
It was early the next morning, and Kira was telling Sisko about Dax's problem. "How can he be so blind that he doesn't see how she feels about him? What kind of friend is that insensitive that they can't see this kind of thing?" Sisko gave her an odd look which she failed to notice.
"Perhaps, Major, it is not such a crime. After all - it may not be so obvious to him as it is to the rest of us."
"Ridiculous. It's totally unforgivable." This time she saw the expression of amusement he wore. "What?" she asked, irritated.
"Did you ever stop to think, Major, that perhaps Dax isn't the only one suffering from this kind of problem?" he responded, as tactfully as he could.
"No. Nobody else could be that insensitive." Sisko managed not to laugh.
"I think we should let her work it out herself. She might not appreciate interference."
"You think so? I would have thought someone should go talk to Bashir." Sisko tried to avoid thinking of what THAT conversation would be like. After all, so far as Sisko knew, Bashir was well aware of Odo's feelings.
"Major..." But she was gone.
Late that evening, Julian came across Jadzia walking through the corridor outside his quarters. "How are you feeling?" he asked her. She looked at him oddly for a moment, then smiled.
"I think I'm ready to go back on duty." He frowned.
"We'll see. Come inside." Inside his quarters, he motioned for her to take a seat and fetched a medical tricorder.
"Hmm. You seem to be suffering from the effects of severe emotional stress, totally negating the effects of any rest you're getting, and you're still not eating enough. What's wrong?"
"Nothing that anybody can do anything about, Julian. I'll get over it."
"You're not going back on duty until you do. How can I help?" Jadzia was on the verge of laughing or crying, she didn't know which. It was so ridiculously ironic.
"Just keep me company awhile. Please?" He smiled and sat next to her on the couch. Jadzia leaned against him, putting his arm around her and resting her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes, and in time fell asleep, lulled by the anodyne of his presence. He watched her, a tender smile lighting his features as she slept.
Two hours later, Kira arrived at Julian's quarters. When she pressed the doorchime, no voice from within responded, but the door slid open. As she entered, perplexed, she caught sight of Bashir. He had one finger pressed to his lips in a gesture to be quiet. Kira saw that Jadzia was asleep. Her head lay in his lap, and he stroked her hair almost absently, as if he didn't realise he was doing it. She saw he was smiling.
"How long -" Kira whispered.
"A couple of hours," he murmured. "What's up?" Kira smiled.
"It can wait until morning." She left, careful to tread quietly.
When Jadzia awoke, she found that she now lay stretched out on Julian's couch. He still sat with her. Her head rested in his lap, and he was stroking her hair. She didn't move, for fear he would stop. She liked it. "Computer," she heard him whisper, "time. Quietly." The computer responded - quietly - that it was 1124 hours. Jadzia realised she had been here for several hours - and she hadn't meant to fall asleep like this. She yawned, more to signal that she was awake than out of any real compulsion to do so. She looked up at Julian. He was smiling softly, even tenderly. Not knowing quite how she dared to, she reached up and touched his cheek, before sliding her hand around to the back of his neck. At the same time as she pulled his head down, she half sat up and kissed him.
"Jadzia -" As she released him, Jadzia sank back and lay looking up at him. Julian realised suddenly how delicate this situation was - her heart was in her eyes, and a wrong word would hurt her terribly, he knew. "I -" Not knowing what to say, he bowed his head and returned the kiss. "This is a very uncomfortable position for me, you know," he told her then. She laughed and sat up, snuggling against him again.
"Julian, I need to know something." She noticed how he seemed to almost automatically take her hand in his. She looked at them, absently noticing the contrast between her pale skin and his caramel brown. "Julian, how do you love me? As a friend, or..." She kept her gaze on their hands, not daring to look at his face. Julian was silent for a moment.
"To be honest, Jadzia, I'm not sure anymore. Until the Edaian thing, I thought I truly loved you. Then I thought I just wanted to be friends." Tears stung in her eyes. "But tonight," he went on, "just sitting here, watching you, I find -" He stopped a moment. "I love you, Jadzia. But I was afraid, thinking that if we did follow that path, it might not work out, or you might not feel the same, and I'd lose you forever." Gentle fingertips touched her chin and brought her face up, forcing her to look at him. "I love you." The tears at last escaped. She didn't care. She was overjoyed at his admission. He hugged her.
"Yet to be candidly unromantic, Jadzia," he grinned, "I have the most unbelievable crick in my neck. I haven't dared twitch for the past three hours for fear of waking you." He rose and stretched before offering her his hand. She took it and stood. "And while," he continued, "I still prescribe nothing more strenuous than walking for you, shall we adjourn to the bedroom?"
Jadzia found sleep surprisingly easy to return to as she lay warm and comfortable within the gentle embrace of the man beside her.
When she awoke he was gone. There was a PADD on his pillow. She read it, and laughed. "Love, I've gone to work. If you do the same, I'll have you restricted to quarters - mine - for a month. Julian."
Almost the first thing Kira did when she woke the next morning was ask the computer where Lieutenant Commander Dax was. She grinned when it reported she was still in Doctor Bashir's quarters. "Is Doctor Bashir with her?" she asked.
"Negative. Doctor Bashir is in the Infirmary." She frowned. Odd. She dressed rapidly and headed towards the Infirmary.
As she approached the door, she could see him inside. He was laughing, along with the rest of his staff, apparently at something one of his nurses had said. She felt suddenly that it would be an unforgivable intrusion to go in, and walked past instead of entering. She went to the Replimat and ordered breakfast.
She was brooding over her coffee, food untouched, when a familiar voice coincided with a shadow crossing her table. "Mind if I join you?" Dax said. "I don't really feel like eating alone." Kira gestured for her friend to take a seat.
"So what happened last night? I went to pay a call on Julian and you were there." Jadzia laughed and told her all about it. Kira was ecstatic.
A while later, though, a thought struck her. "Jadzia, can you think of anyone else on the station besides yourself who's been suffering from unrequited love lately?" Jadzia glanced sharply at her. Kira noticed.
"So you know. Who is it? I heard there was someone else who's in love with a friend on board."
"There is," Jadzia said shortly.
"Who?"
"I can't tell you. It's someone we both know, and it causes him a lot of pain."
"Who is she? She must be incredibly insensitive."
"I sometimes think she is. But other times, she sees it - in other people - and she takes great pains to try and help them."
"That must hurt him a lot."
"I think it does. He'd never show it, though, especially to her. She means more than anything in the world to him. She's the first, and closest, friend he's ever had."
"How does he cope?"
"He keeps busy. He has the kind of job where he can always find some work to do when he needs it."
"What about when he's off duty?"
"He's always on duty."
"Sounds almost like Odo." Jadzia just looked at her.
"You don't mean - but I'm Odo's best frie-" She stopped as every gesture, every nuance of every expression - her entire relationship with Odo - clicked into place as one. Jadzia spoke softly, looking speculatively at the food on her fork.
"Odo told you you'd be surprised how dense people can be, Nerys."
Kira moved through the day on automatic. For some reason everyone she met seemed to look like Odo. She yelped when she actually met the Constable as she was coming off shift. "Are you all right, Major?" he asked, looking at her intently.
"I'mfineOdo," she said quickly. She tottered past him and went back to her quarters, there to spend a sleepless night staring at the ceiling, seeing a half-finished face staring back at her.
Jadzia's night was more pleasantly spent. She had spent the day relaxing, catching up on her reading, and generally feeling contented, despite a niggling worry about Kira and Odo. By evening she felt almost normal, although she didn't think Julian would let her go back to work. She fetched an overnight bag from her quarters, having lunched with Julian and received an invitation to stay on in his. When he got home she was lying on the couch, listening to Bajoran music and reading from a PADD. He grinned.
"Make yourself at home," he said drily, kneeling beside the couch and kissing her.
"I think I will," she smiled back. "How was your day?"
"I treated Chief O'Brien for a dislocated shoulder again. Other than that, uneventful."
"Julian, how much leave do you have coming to you?"
"Good grief, I don't know. Must be several months."
"What say you and I take a holiday, away from the station?"
"Together?"
"No, I was thinking we would take leave at the same time and go to completely separate places to explore our newfound love for one another."
"Fair enough. I'll go to Risa, and you go to Trill to see your sister." He kissed her, neatly preventing the retort she had ready for *that* comment.
"You know, Julian," she said thoughtfully, "I have a feeling that I really should get some exercise. I've been sitting here all alone all day." Julian grinned.
"You know, you might be right."
She woke late the next morning. A bouquet of flowers lay on the pillow. She smiled as she picked up the card they came with - and then gaped with surprise. They weren't from Julian.
To Commander Dax
I do believe
congratulations are in order.
Garak
She rose and put the flowers in a tall glass filled with water, having failed utterly to find a vase in Julian's quarters. She dressed rapidly and went to see the tailor.
His back was to her as she entered. "Not that I'm not touched, Garak," she said, "but how did you know?" Garak turned and smiled.
"Quite simple, Commander. When, for two nights in a row, the computer reports that Doctor Bashir is not alone in his quarters, and that you are his companion, there is only one probable reason. When I see you dine together, and then see you kiss - well, what *is* a simple tailor to assume?" She laughed.
"Why were you asking after Julian?"
"I have been meaning to give him something, but I find it slips my mind at more opportune moments. Would you be so kind as to pass this on for me?" He reached under a counter and withdrew a large package.
"Some shirts he asked me to alter for him."
"Be honest, Garak."
"Me? Surely you jest." She laughed.
"You just want to know what he's doing," she accused. Garak smiled.
"Actually, I want to know what you are both doing - and whether you're doing it together. I may just be a simple tailor," - he paused a moment when she snorted in disbelief - "but I do know what's best for those around me, even if they don't. And I do believe congratulations *are* in order?" She grinned and winked.
"None of your business." He laughed.
"I'm so glad, Commander."
Kira had come to a decision. She had to face Odo. She went to his office. He was giving instructions to his deputies. She waited until they had left before she entered. "What can I do for you, Major?" he asked. Kira took a deep breath, and took his hand.
"Odo -" She paused.
"Yes, Major?"
"Odo, I know." Odo froze for a moment, before he relaxed.
"Do you? And what, may one ask, do you know?"
"Odo, don't make this any harder for me than it is. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?" She sighed.
"That you love me, Odo." Now that she was looking for it, she could see it so clearly. He snorted.
"And when did I have a chance? Major, go back to Shakaar and forget this. You didn't want to know and you still don't." He pulled his hand from hers and returned to his work. Kira grabbed his chin and pulled him around to face her, hard enough that had he been anyone but who he was, she would have hurt him. There were tears in her eyes.
"Odo, we can get through this."
"How, precisely?"
"Is this why you've been avoiding me lately?"
"Let me think a moment." He paused, radiating sarcasm. "I think we have a yes on that one, Major. Now, if you'll excuse me..." He steadfastly ignored her after that until she gave up and left. But when she glanced back, he had stopped work and sat, staring at the hand she had held.
If he could have cried, he would have. He certainly had reason enough. He didn't know how long he sat there before the voice sounded from the doorway.
"I take it it didn't go well." He glanced up and saw Dax standing against the wall. She had a wry smile on her face.
"Some of us aren't as lucky as you are, Commander." Jadzia sighed.
"Odo -"
"Don't you have anything better to do than involve yourself in other people's love lives?"
"Not really. Julian's threatened to confine me to quarters if I go back to work before he says I can - seems I managed to do myself quite a lot of damage in just two weeks of unhealthy living. But he's in surgery right now so I can't go talk to him, Major Kira is in Ops biting heads off anyone fool enough to enter the place and I'm afraid to go near her in my weakened state. Besides, if I went near Ops, or went crawling through conduits to talk to Miles, Julian would put me in the Infirmary with a restraining field on me. So that leaves you. Everyone else is unreachable."
"Sisko?"
"In his office."
"So go talk to Quark."
"I'd rather not. I can't take all the innuendo he's been giving me these past couple of days about me and Julian. Besides," she said, sitting on his desk, "it's fun to meddle. If you don't like it, persuade Julian to let me go back to work."
"So what do you propose?" he asked resignedly.
"Well..."
Jadzia straightened the collar of the pale green shirt she wore. She was nervous. This could very easily be disastrous. The doorchime sounded.
"Come in," she said. Kira entered.
"I'm surprised to find you in your own quarters, Jadzia," she said by way of greeting.
"Julian has this annoying tendency to use his quarters, Kira, and I didn't want him to come in on our little talk." Kira looked wary. Jadzia smiled gently. "Besides, why should I stay at his place all the time? Let him spend a night here." She decided to get down to business.
"Odo was very upset about what happened this afternoon, you know." Kira fiddled abstractedly with one of the cushions that lay on the sofa.
"Don't blame me. I tried, and he pushed me away."
"Did he? Are you sure? Or did you attack a man who has been hurting and hiding his feelings for years, and expect him to adjust? You should have broken it to him gently." Kira sighed.
"I know."
"Just how do you feel about him? Truly?"
"A week ago I would have known."
"And now?"
"I'm not sure."
"Make up your mind. You are sure, you just don't want to admit it because you know that now, having done what you did and said what you said, whichever way you go - Shakaar or Odo - one of them gets hurt." Jadzia was deliberately brutal. "Here's what we're going to do." Jadzia held up a small, shiny coin she had replicated. "Heads it's Shakaar, tails it's Odo."
"You can't -"
"Why not? You don't have to go along with what comes up." Kira watched the coin arc into the air. Jadzia caught it and put it on the table near the couch they sat on, her hand still covering the face. She watched Kira carefully as she moved her hand away. The Bajoran woman's face fell when she saw how it had landed.
"You see, Kira, you had hoped it would land the other way," she said softly. "Doesn't that tell you who you want?"
Kira picked up the coin with a shaking hand and examined it. "It's the same on both sides," she said indignantly.
"Yes, it is. I knew how you'd react. If you had felt relieved, you would have convinced yourself it was because you didn't have to make the choice. But you were disappointed. You wanted it to fall the other way. You've made your choice, Nerys." Kira stared at the coin, and the perfect little heads embossed on each face.
THE END
[Part III of the Fire & Ice trilogy still to come]
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