Dear Netflix.
It is with great honor and horror that I am contacting you. As I can tell, you recently sent mail to my address, which I am not disclosing should someone get their hands on it.
However, you contacted me in regards to a television series, a Netflix Original, even, about my research.
Why?
Are you trying to ruin your honorable reputation?
Are you trying to go bankrupt?
You may not be aware, but my stories are nothing but gloom and despair. I await further replies. Surely you still know my address.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
Dear Netflix.
Still you desire to make this TV show? Why? WHY?
Fine, however. I will write the script, and send you a document containing the means of obtaining it.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
Dear Netflix.
The script is complete. To find it, go to the set of 'Orange Is The New Black'. There, in a locked box (the code to open being my phone number, which you seem to know) is the script for novels one, two, three, and four, in a chronicle I call SEASON THE FIRST.
You will also find a record featuring a custom song titled LOOK AWAY, which is to be the title theme of the show, as well as a list of actors I feel best portray the Baudelaires, Count Olaf, Mr. Poe, various people, and myself. You should also find my spyglass, which I am lending for the sake of the show.
Good luck.
You'll need it.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
Dear Netflix.
Friday, January 13th? Really?
Oh well. Hopefully you don't go bankrupt.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket