Ok, I admit it openly. I am just trying to avoid doing my homework. I have
a shitload too. I should be doing something productive, instead I'm writing
this one-shot. Enjoy.
Harry Potter and Co are property of JK Rowling and Warner Bros or something. Not mine. I always want what I can't have.
Warning: Satirical, anti-President Bush sentiments, etc. These views are not shared, as far as I know, by Harry Potter or anyone in any way remotely connected with them. It's all me, and I'm an American, so I feel it's within my right to bash the man who stole what was rightfully the elected president's spot ((hm.sounds like what the American government does in other countries.no wonder they thought they could do it here)). Ergo, don't flame me, I'm just bored, and will, undoubtedly, just mock you in a public place and then forget you exist. Tough luck, ne?
In The End, We'll Wind Up Together
Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, Voldemort's Vanquisher, Superman, whatever you want to call him, was bored. He was sitting in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, being bored out of his mind. It was getting boring, needless to say. He sighed, crumpled up the paper he had been doodling "The Incredible Adventures of Stickman in the Ghetto Tacoma Washington" on, and threw it over his shoulder. Three guesses as to whom it landed on. ((You're wrong))
"Hey! Watch it, pea brain!" Crabbe said. Harry smirked, then started choking on the piece of gum he was chewing. Freaked out, Goyle, who had been standing next to Crabbe, smacked Harry several times on the back, very hard. Finally, Harry coughed up the piece of gum, and it went flying, landing right in the center of Cho Chang's forehead.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEW!" she shrieked as it hit her. Harry blinked.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Aren't you supposed to be in Potions?"
"Skipped it," she replied, looking rather stupid with a piece of blue gum in the center of her forehead. She apparently realized this, and went back to shrieking. "Who threw this!"
"Um." Harry immediately pointed at Goyle, who pointed at Crabbe, who pointed at himself.
"CRABBE!" Cho shouted. "How rude!" She peeled the gum off of her forehead and tried to flick it at him. It wouldn't come off of her fingers, so she just rubbed it in his hair.
"Hey!" he said. "What was that for?"
"Throwing the gum at me! I need to go fix my makeup!"
"You wear makeup on your forehead?" Harry asked.
"Yes, I do. Shows what you know about girls!"
"Oh. Sorry. Being an overly horny boy, I really don't care much about what girls do to their faces, as long as they look shaggable."
"It's perfectly alright, Harry. Don't worry about it. I'll just go off now, fix it so that it looks particularly dreadful, and then have pity parties with the other girls in Ravenclaw for the next few days until some other tiny thing I can blow completely out of proportion takes its place."
Harry and Cho smiled and nodded at each other.
"Have fun," Harry said cheerfully. "I'll just sit here and continue being bored."
"Have fun! I have to go practice my tears so that they look real and blur my mascara perfectly. Bye!"
She flounced out of the hall, perfectly happy for having a new thing to moan about.
Harry continued to sit and be bored, even though Crabbe and Goyle were trying to get the gum out of Crabbe's hair, which turned out to be rather amusing.
"Peanut butter is supposed to work well," Harry offered. Crabbe and Goyle looked stupidly at each other, then smiled.
"Peanut butter!" They said in unison. Goyle took out his wand and summoned a vat of peanut butter. He then proceeded to dump the entire thing onto Crabbe's head. It completely covered his skull, and most of his torso before Goyle decided that there was enough on him to work. Although it was amusing, especially after Harry also suggested Piranhas and a steak tenderizer, it did get boring quickly.
"Well, it's been fun watching you two attempt to kill each other," Harry said, "but I really must get going. I think I'll go see what's going on up at the Astronomy tower right now."
"Have fun!" Goyle said. Crabbe, who was mostly unconscious on the floor, only grunted slightly.
"Bye!" Harry said and walked out of the hall and up the stairs to the astronomy tower. He paused only momentarily when he saw Ron and Hermione, who were supposed to be in Herbology, making out in a room he had never seen before.well.I suppose it was a little less like making out and a little more like foreplay, but yeah. He left quickly, and made his way upstairs.
Upon reaching the Astronomy Tower, Harry walked over to the wall, and looked out one of the windows. As he looked to the east, he spotted, in the distance, a large mushroom shaped cloud in pretty greens and blues on the horizon.
"President Bush must have mixed up the pretzel making button and THE button again," Harry sighed. "When will he ever learn to read the labels? For that matter, when will he ever learn to read?"
Someone laughed behind him, so Harry turned around. He wasn't at all surprised to see Draco Malfoy leaning against the wall behind him, after all, that's how these fics always turn out, isn't it? Draco pushed himself off the wall and walked over to Harry.
"Watching the show?" Harry asked. Draco nodded.
"I'm surprised he hasn't killed himself yet. The man's just insane enough to do it, and I'm sure someone else'd be blamed for it too."
"Even if he wrote the suicide note himself, complete with misspellings and plenty of 'he and her's too."
"So, what's your real reason for being here?" Draco asked.
"Oh, I'm probably here so that the authoress can make us do horrible and naughty things without getting caught, no matter what WE want to do."
"Isn't that how it always is?"
"Yeah, guess so."
"So why don't we stop fighting it?"
"You mean to say, why don't we just rip the clothes off of each other right here and now and fuck like little bunnies, despite the fact that we just discovered mutual feelings for each other, if that, which are most likely author-induced, and haven't even shared a kiss yet, let alone had a single date, or months in our relationship, which is what usually precedes dragging the man of your dreams into your bed, despite what society seems to promote, especially on fanfiction sites?" Harry summarized.
Draco thought for a moment, then nodded.
"Yep. All that other stuff takes too much time. Besides, then the angst is much greater in the months following our shagging, so we can both feel guilty for dragging the other person into this, have the stress of hiding the whole thing from my parents and our friends, let alone the rest of the school, and we can get into arguments every day without worrying about jeopardizing our relationship, because we know that these things always wind up nice in the end, anyways, or we both wind up dead."
"Works for me," Harry said.
"Me too," Draco replied, then proceeded to rip Harry's clothes off and fuck him senseless. Harry admitted later that he was actually very impressed with Draco's size and doubted that he would be able to sit for days. It was much later that the two of them woke up, content with their newfound sexual identity, even if they had just both had sex with their greatest enemy without more than a how-dee-do about it. They cleaned up, mended torn clothes, and walked downstairs.
"I think we should also try to avoid the angst of hiding this thing from our families and friends and let them all know exactly what we were doing earlier," Harry said as they made their way down to dinner.
"How should we do it? Snogging like fools in front of them?"
"Naw. Been done."
"Announcing to your Weasel buddy that you're gay and have just had sex with me and that we're going to be married soon and watch as his reaction, ie repeating everything we have just said to the entire school at the top of his lungs, and let that tell them?"
"Naw. Also been done."
"Well, how about we walk into the main hall dressed in scanky drag, wearing sandwich boards that say 'i'm gay with' and then an arrow pointing to each other. It could work."
"I think I like it."
"Great. Do you have anything we could use as drag?"
"No, but let's go check my room anyways. Perhaps we can find a package from an anonymous fan packed with everything we need to make this thing work."
"Sure!"
They both marched up to the Gryffindor common room, which was empty, seeing as it was dinner time, and then into Harry's room, where, sure enough, there was the package from an anonymous fan sitting on the bed, filled with everything from fishnet stockings to a pair of sandwich boards reading "I'm gay with" and an arrow magically enchanted to always point to the other.
"Now all we need is a closet that can carry us into the Great Hall," Draco said.
"Why?"
"So we can come out of the closet in front of everyone, of course," Draco replied, fixing his skirt so that the pleats were facing the right way. "By the way, why am I the one wearing the 'innocent' pleated skirt, pale makeup and concealing shirt when I was the one fucking you senseless a few minutes ago?"
"Because I look better in leather," Harry responded.
"Oh. Ok."
With that, they marched downstairs to the Great Hall, a wardrobe-closet- thing that had been wingardium leviosaed following behind them. They climbed in the closet, closed the doors and felt it walk into the Great Hall. Everyone, of course, turned to watch. It's not every day a wardrobe walks into the Great Hall of Hogwarts, even if it is a school for witches and wizards. They all watched it, expectantly and, sure enough, out popped Harry and Draco, who immediately turned in circles so that all could see their outfits, then shoved Cho and a friend of hers over so that they could sit at the Ravenclaw table. Immediately, everyone was talking. Several people, confusing Harry for someone from a muggle movie about someone's Horror Picture Show, came over for autographs. Cho looked amazed, and Harry complimented her on her messy mascara, saying he hoped her the best of luck with the plastic surgery she was apparently going to have to have to fix the imaginary mark on her forehead. She thanked him, assured him it would be most dreadful, and informed him she was expecting flowers and cards, and that she had already made the order, all he had to do was hand them to her when she got back.
Dinner continued in this manner, as did the rest of the year, all of the students, including Ron, just immediately accepting the fact that two sworn enemies were often seen walking around in drag and shagging each other senseless, even if they had been ready to hex the balls off of each other the year before. It all seemed perfectly normal when, when the last day of school appeared - almost as if time had magically sped up, zapping everyone from one day to the next - Draco and Harry were married. Even though they were both only about 15, they were in love, and no muggle or magical laws were going to stop them. There was a small problem, however, when the Minister of Magic (aka MoM) showed up and demanded to see their paperwork, but Harry just batted his eyes at the MoM, promised him a signed picture of the groom and groom, and it was all cleared up. The MoM even stayed for the ceremony and blessed the two under-aged wizards, wishing them happy angsty and miserable times when Voldemort returned yet again, as was inevitable by now. All in all, the ceremony was lovely.
It was with light hearts that the two newlyweds boarded the train back to platform 9¾, for they were both very excited to experience the angst of being separated for the whole summer, and wondered what imagined horrors the next school year would bring.
"Do you suppose I'll get acne and have to hide my face under a paper bag while you flirt with other men and women alike?" Harry asked Draco.
"We can hope!"
"At least we know something for sure!" Harry exclaimed.
"What would that be?" Draco wanted to know.
"Well, no matter what angst the next year might bring, in the end we'll wind up together, because the authoress wouldn't have it any other way."
"And then you can tell me, 'I told you so,' and we can get in a huge fight as we ride away into the sunset!"
"It'll be so wonderful!" Harry decided.
"Yes!"
Finally, they arrived home.
"Well, I'll see you next school year," Harry said.
"I'll promise to write to you every day only to forget by next week, but only if you promise to do the same!" Draco replied.
"Of course! I love you!"
"I love you too, but only because you're a good fuck!"
They both laughed and walked off to their separate ways home, ready to spend a miserable summer, but knowing that no matter what, they would end up together in the end.
Fin
Ok, that was weird. Shows you what I'm like when I'm bored. So, how bad was it? R&R anyone? Please? ^_^
Ciao!
~Vividian
Harry Potter and Co are property of JK Rowling and Warner Bros or something. Not mine. I always want what I can't have.
Warning: Satirical, anti-President Bush sentiments, etc. These views are not shared, as far as I know, by Harry Potter or anyone in any way remotely connected with them. It's all me, and I'm an American, so I feel it's within my right to bash the man who stole what was rightfully the elected president's spot ((hm.sounds like what the American government does in other countries.no wonder they thought they could do it here)). Ergo, don't flame me, I'm just bored, and will, undoubtedly, just mock you in a public place and then forget you exist. Tough luck, ne?
In The End, We'll Wind Up Together
Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, Voldemort's Vanquisher, Superman, whatever you want to call him, was bored. He was sitting in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, being bored out of his mind. It was getting boring, needless to say. He sighed, crumpled up the paper he had been doodling "The Incredible Adventures of Stickman in the Ghetto Tacoma Washington" on, and threw it over his shoulder. Three guesses as to whom it landed on. ((You're wrong))
"Hey! Watch it, pea brain!" Crabbe said. Harry smirked, then started choking on the piece of gum he was chewing. Freaked out, Goyle, who had been standing next to Crabbe, smacked Harry several times on the back, very hard. Finally, Harry coughed up the piece of gum, and it went flying, landing right in the center of Cho Chang's forehead.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEW!" she shrieked as it hit her. Harry blinked.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Aren't you supposed to be in Potions?"
"Skipped it," she replied, looking rather stupid with a piece of blue gum in the center of her forehead. She apparently realized this, and went back to shrieking. "Who threw this!"
"Um." Harry immediately pointed at Goyle, who pointed at Crabbe, who pointed at himself.
"CRABBE!" Cho shouted. "How rude!" She peeled the gum off of her forehead and tried to flick it at him. It wouldn't come off of her fingers, so she just rubbed it in his hair.
"Hey!" he said. "What was that for?"
"Throwing the gum at me! I need to go fix my makeup!"
"You wear makeup on your forehead?" Harry asked.
"Yes, I do. Shows what you know about girls!"
"Oh. Sorry. Being an overly horny boy, I really don't care much about what girls do to their faces, as long as they look shaggable."
"It's perfectly alright, Harry. Don't worry about it. I'll just go off now, fix it so that it looks particularly dreadful, and then have pity parties with the other girls in Ravenclaw for the next few days until some other tiny thing I can blow completely out of proportion takes its place."
Harry and Cho smiled and nodded at each other.
"Have fun," Harry said cheerfully. "I'll just sit here and continue being bored."
"Have fun! I have to go practice my tears so that they look real and blur my mascara perfectly. Bye!"
She flounced out of the hall, perfectly happy for having a new thing to moan about.
Harry continued to sit and be bored, even though Crabbe and Goyle were trying to get the gum out of Crabbe's hair, which turned out to be rather amusing.
"Peanut butter is supposed to work well," Harry offered. Crabbe and Goyle looked stupidly at each other, then smiled.
"Peanut butter!" They said in unison. Goyle took out his wand and summoned a vat of peanut butter. He then proceeded to dump the entire thing onto Crabbe's head. It completely covered his skull, and most of his torso before Goyle decided that there was enough on him to work. Although it was amusing, especially after Harry also suggested Piranhas and a steak tenderizer, it did get boring quickly.
"Well, it's been fun watching you two attempt to kill each other," Harry said, "but I really must get going. I think I'll go see what's going on up at the Astronomy tower right now."
"Have fun!" Goyle said. Crabbe, who was mostly unconscious on the floor, only grunted slightly.
"Bye!" Harry said and walked out of the hall and up the stairs to the astronomy tower. He paused only momentarily when he saw Ron and Hermione, who were supposed to be in Herbology, making out in a room he had never seen before.well.I suppose it was a little less like making out and a little more like foreplay, but yeah. He left quickly, and made his way upstairs.
Upon reaching the Astronomy Tower, Harry walked over to the wall, and looked out one of the windows. As he looked to the east, he spotted, in the distance, a large mushroom shaped cloud in pretty greens and blues on the horizon.
"President Bush must have mixed up the pretzel making button and THE button again," Harry sighed. "When will he ever learn to read the labels? For that matter, when will he ever learn to read?"
Someone laughed behind him, so Harry turned around. He wasn't at all surprised to see Draco Malfoy leaning against the wall behind him, after all, that's how these fics always turn out, isn't it? Draco pushed himself off the wall and walked over to Harry.
"Watching the show?" Harry asked. Draco nodded.
"I'm surprised he hasn't killed himself yet. The man's just insane enough to do it, and I'm sure someone else'd be blamed for it too."
"Even if he wrote the suicide note himself, complete with misspellings and plenty of 'he and her's too."
"So, what's your real reason for being here?" Draco asked.
"Oh, I'm probably here so that the authoress can make us do horrible and naughty things without getting caught, no matter what WE want to do."
"Isn't that how it always is?"
"Yeah, guess so."
"So why don't we stop fighting it?"
"You mean to say, why don't we just rip the clothes off of each other right here and now and fuck like little bunnies, despite the fact that we just discovered mutual feelings for each other, if that, which are most likely author-induced, and haven't even shared a kiss yet, let alone had a single date, or months in our relationship, which is what usually precedes dragging the man of your dreams into your bed, despite what society seems to promote, especially on fanfiction sites?" Harry summarized.
Draco thought for a moment, then nodded.
"Yep. All that other stuff takes too much time. Besides, then the angst is much greater in the months following our shagging, so we can both feel guilty for dragging the other person into this, have the stress of hiding the whole thing from my parents and our friends, let alone the rest of the school, and we can get into arguments every day without worrying about jeopardizing our relationship, because we know that these things always wind up nice in the end, anyways, or we both wind up dead."
"Works for me," Harry said.
"Me too," Draco replied, then proceeded to rip Harry's clothes off and fuck him senseless. Harry admitted later that he was actually very impressed with Draco's size and doubted that he would be able to sit for days. It was much later that the two of them woke up, content with their newfound sexual identity, even if they had just both had sex with their greatest enemy without more than a how-dee-do about it. They cleaned up, mended torn clothes, and walked downstairs.
"I think we should also try to avoid the angst of hiding this thing from our families and friends and let them all know exactly what we were doing earlier," Harry said as they made their way down to dinner.
"How should we do it? Snogging like fools in front of them?"
"Naw. Been done."
"Announcing to your Weasel buddy that you're gay and have just had sex with me and that we're going to be married soon and watch as his reaction, ie repeating everything we have just said to the entire school at the top of his lungs, and let that tell them?"
"Naw. Also been done."
"Well, how about we walk into the main hall dressed in scanky drag, wearing sandwich boards that say 'i'm gay with' and then an arrow pointing to each other. It could work."
"I think I like it."
"Great. Do you have anything we could use as drag?"
"No, but let's go check my room anyways. Perhaps we can find a package from an anonymous fan packed with everything we need to make this thing work."
"Sure!"
They both marched up to the Gryffindor common room, which was empty, seeing as it was dinner time, and then into Harry's room, where, sure enough, there was the package from an anonymous fan sitting on the bed, filled with everything from fishnet stockings to a pair of sandwich boards reading "I'm gay with" and an arrow magically enchanted to always point to the other.
"Now all we need is a closet that can carry us into the Great Hall," Draco said.
"Why?"
"So we can come out of the closet in front of everyone, of course," Draco replied, fixing his skirt so that the pleats were facing the right way. "By the way, why am I the one wearing the 'innocent' pleated skirt, pale makeup and concealing shirt when I was the one fucking you senseless a few minutes ago?"
"Because I look better in leather," Harry responded.
"Oh. Ok."
With that, they marched downstairs to the Great Hall, a wardrobe-closet- thing that had been wingardium leviosaed following behind them. They climbed in the closet, closed the doors and felt it walk into the Great Hall. Everyone, of course, turned to watch. It's not every day a wardrobe walks into the Great Hall of Hogwarts, even if it is a school for witches and wizards. They all watched it, expectantly and, sure enough, out popped Harry and Draco, who immediately turned in circles so that all could see their outfits, then shoved Cho and a friend of hers over so that they could sit at the Ravenclaw table. Immediately, everyone was talking. Several people, confusing Harry for someone from a muggle movie about someone's Horror Picture Show, came over for autographs. Cho looked amazed, and Harry complimented her on her messy mascara, saying he hoped her the best of luck with the plastic surgery she was apparently going to have to have to fix the imaginary mark on her forehead. She thanked him, assured him it would be most dreadful, and informed him she was expecting flowers and cards, and that she had already made the order, all he had to do was hand them to her when she got back.
Dinner continued in this manner, as did the rest of the year, all of the students, including Ron, just immediately accepting the fact that two sworn enemies were often seen walking around in drag and shagging each other senseless, even if they had been ready to hex the balls off of each other the year before. It all seemed perfectly normal when, when the last day of school appeared - almost as if time had magically sped up, zapping everyone from one day to the next - Draco and Harry were married. Even though they were both only about 15, they were in love, and no muggle or magical laws were going to stop them. There was a small problem, however, when the Minister of Magic (aka MoM) showed up and demanded to see their paperwork, but Harry just batted his eyes at the MoM, promised him a signed picture of the groom and groom, and it was all cleared up. The MoM even stayed for the ceremony and blessed the two under-aged wizards, wishing them happy angsty and miserable times when Voldemort returned yet again, as was inevitable by now. All in all, the ceremony was lovely.
It was with light hearts that the two newlyweds boarded the train back to platform 9¾, for they were both very excited to experience the angst of being separated for the whole summer, and wondered what imagined horrors the next school year would bring.
"Do you suppose I'll get acne and have to hide my face under a paper bag while you flirt with other men and women alike?" Harry asked Draco.
"We can hope!"
"At least we know something for sure!" Harry exclaimed.
"What would that be?" Draco wanted to know.
"Well, no matter what angst the next year might bring, in the end we'll wind up together, because the authoress wouldn't have it any other way."
"And then you can tell me, 'I told you so,' and we can get in a huge fight as we ride away into the sunset!"
"It'll be so wonderful!" Harry decided.
"Yes!"
Finally, they arrived home.
"Well, I'll see you next school year," Harry said.
"I'll promise to write to you every day only to forget by next week, but only if you promise to do the same!" Draco replied.
"Of course! I love you!"
"I love you too, but only because you're a good fuck!"
They both laughed and walked off to their separate ways home, ready to spend a miserable summer, but knowing that no matter what, they would end up together in the end.
Fin
Ok, that was weird. Shows you what I'm like when I'm bored. So, how bad was it? R&R anyone? Please? ^_^
Ciao!
~Vividian