To die honorably
Chapter 1: Sweet Thought
He stood there, panting. So it was true.
It was true.
Chances were, the rest of his life was ruined.
He pulls at his hair in desperation, while he falls to his knees and tries to keep his sanity, or what is left of it. It hurts. It fucking hurts.
He is now on all fours, agitated breathing, screams of pain emerging from his lungs. His eyes hurt, he has been crying so much, for so long.
Nothing is right.
"Please, please not... make it not be true..." he hears himself say.
He is pathetic.
He wants to die.
He spends his life there, right there, crying and falling asleep, only to wake up and find himself in the same place, in the same situation, in the same loneliness and pain from before. He cries again, until he is not strong enough for staying awake.
He eventually gets up, he eventually stops crying. He doesn't want to, but he has to. In some way, things have to go on. Time is not waiting for him.
He counted on that, a long time ago.
He should have never left.
Yes, things had to go on in some way. Six years after his departure, Somebody had asked him, for the last time, to go back.
He had laughed.
He struggles not to cry again and fall to his knees as he remembers that pained face, that tired expression, that angered pair of incredibly beautiful eyes.
Love.
It is love, he has always known that. Maybe, they both did.
He screams at the thought, at the pain. It's unbearable. It's impossible. It can't be happening.
It is all his fault. He deserves this.
He never wrote to him. He never got near his place again. He never accepted how much, just how much, did his heart ache day and night, burning him from the inside, for his love. He never confessed, he never, ever told him. He should have, he had wanted to, but he never did.
He brings his katana to his chest. It is time to finish this.
I'll never give up. I never go back on my word.
He shakes his head violently. He tries to get rid of the pained feeling those words conjure in him. He tries to catch his breath. He curses. He repeats, louder. He destroys his hands against a tree. He destroys some trees.
I may not know the password, but...
He hits his face against a surviving tree. He hits it repeatedly, begging that the voice, the words, the feelings, life itself, will go away if he keeps doing it.
...there's no way you're the Sasuke I know.
The one he knew. Is he really the same?
Maybe not anymore. He has gone insane. He is in so much pain.
He wants it to end. The end. If it doesn't come, he'll bring it by force.
He starts again. He picks it up and brings it near his chest. He properly holds it, and for once, the pain is gone. The pain goes away, leaves his body. He tries to remember why he was in pain. He remembers, then presses it closer, drawing blood. The pain runs away again. This is heaven. No pain, none at all. Not even physical pain, no exhaustion.
Adrenaline. Power. He has finally found a game that he likes. One that he can win.
He stays there, letting go of everything. Unable to suffer. He embraces the thought of no more pain taking over him.
He has a wide smile on his face.
His stomach hurts momentarily, making him wince and fall to the ground again. He waits until it wears out.
Why eat now, after five days of starvation? What would the pain try to tell him? What would it matter now?
Nothing matters anymore, but power. Power, to do whatever he wants to.
The pain gives in for a second.
Sasuke looks at his village. His life, for a short time, was indeed good.
"With Naruto," he voices out loud.
He gets to his feet, trying to keep his long lost dignity. He has just recovered it.
To die honorably. Yes, what a sweet thought.
He pulls the katana closer, feeling how it sinks a bit more.
He's been bleeding for quite a while. He wonders if the loss of blood has anything to do with the intense happiness he feels.
It is all about to end soon. That, judging by the dizzy colors before him and the craving for sleep taking over him.
Maybe dying IS like sleeping.
Any last thought?
Of course.
He will love him.
"Forever," the first word.
And of course, the most beautiful one in the world:
"Naruto."
REPLY TO MY ANONYMOUS REVIEWER:
kawaii_baka3801: Yes, I will write a sequel (which maybe I'll add as 'Chapter 2' or something like that) because Vanessa Avalon (the other reviewer) won't let me breathe. She's scared me so much, she threatened me! My, is this something common, it always happens! Hehe, so I'm really glad you liked this, honored and all. *Grins* Thank you very much for dropping by, and clicking, and actually reading, and reviewing this! Xoxoxo!