M*A*S*H: The Musical
Author's Note: Don't ask me what these songs sound like; I don't write music. (I don't particularly write lyrics either, as you're about to find out, LOL.)
****
The P.A. system brings a rude awakening at 6 a.m. "Attention all personnel! The North Koreans apparently don't want us sleeping in today. Incoming choppers and ambulances! Looks like it's gonna be SRO in the OR."
The doctors and nurses of the 4077th bolt out of their beds and tents, putting their game faces on, some of them still dressing as they run. They come from every direction, converging on the hospital or stopping to help with triage in the compound. Everyone is all business. Time to get to work… time to save some lives. They aren't happy about being in this place, doing this particular type of healing, but since they've been put into this situation, they've dedicated themselves to doing the best they can.
And their best is very good indeed.
We Are the 4077th M*A*S*H
(Sung by: everyone in the company)
Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. We patch up wounded soldiers.
Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. With each stitch we get a little older.
It's a sad, sad time
A long, hard climb
But we muddle through
For the red, white, blue
We are the 4077th M*A*S*H.
Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. We try to keep these boys alive.
Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. It takes hard work, it takes great drive.
It's a sad daily grind
No rest, no time to unwind
But we forge ahead
Where others fear to tread
We are the 4077th M*A*S*H.
"Colonel!" Frank Burns whines from his operating table some five hours into the session. "Pierce just threw a bloody sponge at my forehead! Can't you tell him to leave me alone and mind his own beeswax?"
Potter sighs and says, "Pierce, leave Burns alone and mind your own beeswax. No need for throwing sponges around, bloody or otherwise."
"Snitch!" Hawkeye snaps at Frank.
Margaret merely looks from Pierce to Frank back to Pierce, shaking her head. Sometimes these so-called adults sure do act like children. Sometimes she can't quite believe she's surrounded by such lunatics. It can be a lonely feeling… not only being the only female officer, but Regular Army on top of that.
"Scalpel," B.J. says to her, and she obliges, repeating, "Scalpel" to him. And she realizes that in spite of everything, she does feel honored to assist these talented surgeons.
Equal to the Task
(Sung by: Margaret)
The lone woman among men, screaming to be heard
Nothing easy about it, you can take my word
But I'm good at my job, I've earned what I've got
I lead, I command, I call every shot.
My nurses and I, we help and we heal
Efficient, hard-working, caring, and real
Our hands and our hearts are always on call
We will do our best, we will give our all.
The only woman amidst these men, but equal to the task
If you need my help and support, you only have to ask
I'm smart and I'm strong, much stronger than I seem
Together we can do this, we're an unbeatable team.
By early afternoon, the OR session is over. Hawkeye and B.J. leave the hospital and stagger back to the Swamp. They're tired and cranky and in no mood for Frank Burns, but unfortunately he shares their tent. He's watching them with squinty eyes as they help themselves to gin from their still.
"You're addicted to that stuff!" he declares from atop his high horse.
"Burns," Hawkeye says, his voice tinged with fury, "don't start with me! I was awakened this morning from a very lovely dream about those volleyball-playing twins Frannie and Annie Andrews in order to stitch back together a bunch of wounded kids, and I never got any breakfast, and I'm still wearing the blood of 19-year-old Private Sisko on my gown. Trust me, you do not want to get into it with me today!"
"Hmmph!" Frank says, and wisely, it's the only thing he says. He grabs his Bible and strides out the Swamp door, presumably to find some shade tree to read under.
Hawkeye looks at B.J. and they raise their glasses in a silent toast. To the departure of Frank Burns! is what they're toasting to, though neither says it out loud. There's no need to.
Frank!
(Sung by: Hawkeye and B.J.)
Frank! He's a ferret face
Frank! He stinks up the place
Frank! He's really no fun at all.
He shares our tent
Let us lament
He's too gung-ho
We wish he'd just go…
But we're forced to cohabitate.
Frank! He's a pain in the butt
Frank! He's a major nut
Frank! He's just no fun at all.
He's rude and mean
Always makes a scene
We wish he'd just go
But wouldn't ya know…
We're forced to cohabitate.
Frank wanders in the direction of Margaret's tent, but then veers away at the last second. No, Margaret is engaged now, so she's no longer interested in his visits. He sighs, feeling very much alone. Used to be, he had Margaret by his side, taking his side. These days, she doesn't even seem to want to talk to him.
He grips his Bible a little tighter and heads to the meadow out near the minefield. He'll just relax out here for a while and read. He won't even think about Margaret and how the two of them used to picnic out here, snuggling together on a blanket and exchanging longing looks. No, he won't give that any thought at all.
He finds a spot under a tree to sit. He takes one last look back toward the camp, as if he expects to see somebody coming out here to join him, keep him company. No, certainly that would never happen... what is he thinking? He lets out another sigh and cracks open his Bible.
Forever Blue
(Sung by: Frank)
My life has been lonely, pathetic, and sad
I hated my brother, was scared of my dad
To pick up my spirits, I went to med school
And married for money, which maybe sounds cruel.
Joining the Army seemed the way to go
Made me feel special, gave me room to grow
I like the order that the Army brings
I focus on that and forget other things.
Take my word, it hurts being called names
I act out, I'm mean, I sometimes play games
Inside I'm empty and feeling quite numb
Sometimes I'm scared and sometimes I'm dumb.
When Margaret was with me, I always felt strong
We were a great team, we could do no wrong
Until she said, "Frank, you and I are through."
Leaving me all alone again… forever blue.
Sherman Potter steps out of the mess tent after his lunch and inhales deeply. The sun is shining and the spring air feels refreshing. He gazes into the distance and sees Burns sitting out in the meadow. It sure is a nice day for being outside, and what the heck, they've all got a bit of a break before a second wave of wounded is expected. So without another thought, he heads to the stable, where he gives Sophie a pat, saying, "Looks like a mighty good day for a ride, girl." It almost seems as if she smiles at him in reply. Since they're in agreement, Potter grabs a saddle, puts it on her, and climbs aboard his beloved horse.
A Man and His Horse
(Sung by: Col. Potter)
Gonna get my horse It's a perfect break Sometimes I'm tempted
Gonna take a ride
Love being with her
Love being outside
In a stressful day
Doesn't get much better
Except reading Zane Grey
To ride into the sunset
Just ride and ride forever
No guilt and no regret
But my work here's not done
We have a tough job to do
I love leading these folks
Side by side, we'll get through.
While Col. Potter is out for a ride, Radar decides to use the afternoon to get caught up on paperwork. The early-morning OR session had him jumping, but now's a good time to do the daily report and other correspondence, before they get hit with more casualties.
He sits at his desk, puts paper into the typewriter, and gets down to business.
No Rest for the Weary
(Sung by: Radar)
Lots of work to do About this crazy war
And I do it well
No rest for the weary
Hope I live to tell
Working day and night
Does anyone think of us?
Does anyone know our plight?
We're great at what we do
"Best care anywhere"
But there's never any rest…
I need my teddy bear.
Klinger, grumbling to himself in his tent, would second that emotion if he knew Radar was having it. He sits at his sewing machine and studies the dress he's working on, annoyed to realize that the darn thing has been in the creation stage for going on three weeks now. He hates that it takes so long to get from idea to pattern to finished product. Doesn't the Army know he has a wardrobe to create? Who has time for actual work?
"Got pulled out of bed at 6 in the morning… did medic stuff for hours… and now I barely have enough energy to get this hem looking right!" he mumbles. Even so, he's committed to looking his best, and this cute powder-blue dress is going to look fabulous once it's finished. With a renewed sense of pride in his workmanship, he starts the sewing machine.
Out, Out
(Sung by: Klinger)
Out, out… I want out of this place Out, out… I want out of this mess
They won't let me go, they won't hear my case
I wear women's clothes, I wear makeup too
Doesn't matter to them, they just say "pooh-pooh."
Next time I ask, pretty please say yes
The dresses and hats, they're just a disguise
Inside I'm scared, you can see in my eyes.
Out, out… I just hate being here
I try to be nice and be of good cheer
But I miss Toledo and everyone there
I just want out… out of this despair.
As Klinger tries to get some sewing done, Father Mulcahy is sitting at the desk in his tent, writing his Sunday sermon. Not that anyone actually shows up at his services, mind you… but he feels compelled to prepare for them anyway. He takes his mission seriously. After all, he is the camp's spiritual guide.
Mulcahy's Prayer
(Sung by: Father Mulcahy)
Lord, give me strength Lord, show me the way
To help where I can
To counsel and uplift
To aid my fellow man
To comfort and teach
To set an example
To practice what I preach
Lord, let this war end
If it would be your will
But how could it not be?
You did say, "Thou shalt not kill."
Just a short time later, Father Mulcahy puts the finishing touches on his sermon… Klinger's dress is still in a state of not-quite-done… Radar has gotten caught up on his paperwork… Col. Potter jumps off Sophie and puts her back in her stable… Frank is back in the Swamp, stashing his Bible safely away where Pierce and Hunnicutt can't find it… Margaret has just stepped out of the shower… and Hawkeye and B.J. are drinking coffee in the mess tent… when the P.A. announcement comes. "Attention all personnel! Yeah, you guessed it: incoming wounded again! I guess this is the second wave we were promised. Hop to it, folks!"
And just as they did at 6 that morning, all the doctors and nurses and support personnel come running from different directions, rushing to take their positions and do their jobs… to save lives.
After all, that's what they're here for.
We Are the 4077th M*A*S*H (reprise)
(Sung by: everyone in the company)
Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. We carry on day after day.
Scalpel, suction, 3-0 silk. For an end, we hope and pray.
It's a sad, sad task
Make it stop is all we ask
But for now we soldier on
Sometimes dusk to dawn
We are the 4077th M*A*S*H.
We are… the 4077th… M*A*S*H!
****
To a smattering of half-hearted applause, the words The End appeared on the screen. People rose from their seats and began to file out of the mess tent.
"Come on, Hawk, let's go. It's over." B.J. stood up, stretched, and then stopped, eyeing Hawkeye suspiciously. "You look completely entranced. As though it's the first time you've seen Easter Parade when it's actually the sixth time in just the last two weeks!"
Hawkeye wore a cryptic smile as he looked up at his friend. "Oh," he said as he finally got to his feet, "that wasn't the movie I was watching."