Title: Becoming, Breaking, Mending, Living
Author: Kitty
Summary: Blair Waldorf's thoughts over the years, as she moves towards her one great love.
Pairings: NB, implied CB
A/N: I haven't written in the longest time and I honestly don't think this is very good. It's more like a bunch of broken fragments, really. BUT, I felt like I had to release something somehow and this is all that really came out of it. I hope you enjoy anyway. *wink*
***
When you're thirteen, everything is always brighter. Shinier. More hopeful. When you're young, everything is possible.
And you give and you give and you give. And you just don't care if you get anything back.
That first time, you love so purely – with no shields, no walls, no shame.
And you love and you love and you LOVE. And it just feels wonderful.
***
Everyone always says you're perfect together. And outwardly, you laugh and you giggle and you nod yes.
But deep inside? Oh you're dying. Dying of insecurity. Dying of fear.
Still they keep saying you're perfect together.
You think that he's maybe just a little bit more perfect than you.
***
It isn't easy. It never was.
Outside, you're the perfect couple. But really, it takes a lot to make it work.
Sure, he makes you laugh. And yes, he can make your day brighter by just dropping by and giving you a kiss on the forehead.
But you love him so much and it just kills you. You were never supposed to be this vulnerable.
He's perfect though. And he's shining and he's beautiful and he's nice and he's sweet and he's everything you've ever wanted. And that just scares you.
Because outside you're so put together – so flawless and smooth that there must be a ripple there somewhere.
And so you sit and you wait and the ripple comes and then a wave and all of a sudden –
– all of a sudden, you're alone.
***
It's hard but you work on it. You try to live.
You pick up the pieces and you try to move on. You try.
And maybe you are getting there. Somewhere. You're forgetting slowly.
Many times you sit and you ask yourself, "Is this right?" And you wait and you wonder. But really. The answer never comes.
***
Men slip in and out of your life. Some stay a small while. Others linger. Some, benevolently. A particular one, malevolently.
This new guy? He hurts you. He plays with you, manipulates you, teases you, tricks you, abuses you.
But you never fight back. You stand tall and you keep silent and you stay strong.
You wait for your prince to rescue you. To be shining and beautiful and nice and sweet and everything you've ever wanted.
And maybe he was going to come. Maybe he did want to. Maybe he was going to fight for it – you – again.
But then you're such a coward. And you pull away. And you're scared of being vulnerable to him again. He broke you before. You can't bear to be broken anymore.
And really, to be honest, no one else can smash you into as little pieces as he can.
Remember that Sheryl Crowe song? The First Cut Is The Deepest.
***
You're not thirteen anymore.
You don't love purely. You have so many walls.
Girl, you've been battered and bruised and broken and – God, you don't even recognize yourself anymore.
But you keep going. Because you have to. Because every morning you wake up is another opportunity, another chance, another day closer to when you find your way back home.
***
They say you should be smarter at twenty-five than at thirteen. And maybe you are.
Because you're standing up for yourself this time. And you're not backing down and you're not giving it up.
You fight for it. And you let your walls down. And you open yourself to breaking. And you allow yourself to remember.
You realize that pain is part of it. You realize that it isn't worth it if you aren't vulnerable. You realize that you can't have that pure love back unless you do.
***
If you let him get away that first, second or even that third time…There's always that fourth. Even that fifth or sixth. All it takes is that one step. That one tug of the arm. That one small kiss. That one small whisper of "Stay." That great confession of "I love you." That forgiveness of past sins. That promise of future dreams.
***
So you fell in-love with Nathaniel Archibald at thirteen.
So maybe you were small and insecure and scared.
So maybe, in his own way, he was too.
So he breaks you at sixteen. So you fall apart.
So Charles Bass catches you. Or pretends to. Definitely drops you.
So you're stronger than before. And so it's never the same.
So you and Nate keep running around in circles.
So you think you'll never have the courage. So you think that he might never too.
So one day you wake up. And you decide maybe it's time you stopped thinking. Tried some actual doing. Choosing.
So maybe happily ever after exists after all.
***
Oh, so few people marry their great loves. A lot of them settle for less. Most of them settle for much lesser.
And for what?
For a twisted kind of security. For a morbid kind of assurance. For a chance at saying, "No, I can't be broken any more than this – any more than that first time."
Are you one of them?
No.
***
On a bright June day, at the age of twenty-eight, you marry your first love in front of your closest friends and family.
And it's scary and terrifying and you know it will never be perfect.
But you're you and he's him and there's nothing more you can ever ask for.
Because you fell in-love with him at thirteen and he broke you at sixteen but you're both all the better for it anyway.
It hurt and it damaged you but really, you wouldn't be as strong as you are now if it weren't for him.
Sometimes the journey is hard. And you're broken and beaten and it's so damn easy to take that shortcut.
But it isn't just about the destination. It's the journey too.
You might've taken the longest walk on the aisle towards the altar…But heck, that gorgeous man over there?
He's the love of your life.